It All Started On The Staircase @itallstartedonthestaircase - Tumblr Blog

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Download this on iTunes: http://apple.co/1jPn1DY Official video for Australia based singer, songwriter and producer William Singe’s 2015 cover of Drake's "Ho...

Cuts deep..... I hate it how you still affect me till now and how this song describe how you are now..... If given chance, I’d take a pill to completely forget everything about you.

I’m Not Superman

“Do not let the present unpleasant circumstances surrounding your life condition your mind for failure and limitation” from You Can Survive Anything Your survivability is not a probability by Maikh Etto.

Sometimes no matter how hard you shove an idea into your head the issue just not go away and it doesn’t just give you that new inspiration and fight for life. 2015. I don’t think this is my year. I’m back to writing my own story, after hearing all the heart aches from others, the frustrations, for a while I felt I was lucky that all of these will past by quickly. Then it happened, a ghost from 11 years ago hit me and it hit me hard. I won’t go into details of this harrowing and traumatic experience. But I will write how I am and how I’m breaking down and I’m in the lowest point of my life.

I’m in a point wherein I have to be strong for others and not show a hint of wavering weakness. I have to pretend that I’m handling all of it that I’m on top of things. If I fail to do that, I’ll fail a lot of people. Just when you thought that life could not beat you down more, they decided it would be fun to have a hit on you. I have also thought myself as someone who is lucky, I don’t Think I had a issue in my life that’s worth breaking down. Well besides those heartbreaking moments but other than that life has been good to me. As what I’ve keep on saying, life is not a fairy tale. Life will test you, and boy ohh boy what a test indeed. I never wanted to admit it. I always denied the fact that financial issues would be a problem, for me its just money and you can earn that and it will always come. But there’s a limit to everything. Losing all of it, losing everything you worked hard for for years. In just one instant just really hits you hard. That’s not even the bulk of the issue. Yes I think I’ll get past that, I know I can come back to that. The issue now is being in the lowest point in my life and breaking down and I don’t even have the luxury to show it to people to seek comfort. Simply because I can’t. I have to be strong. I have to be the old me in everybody’s eyes. I don’t need much, I actually need one thing that nobody is telling me sincerely. I just want someone to tell me that “everything will be okay” that everything will pass and that I’ll get through this. I’m tired of being the one telling everyone that everything will be okay for them. Can’t I have my moment? That one moment where someone will tell me to keep it together and to hold on to life. Just that. Just that one single moment. I’m breaking down emotionally and physically. I’m weak, angry, desperate, lifeless inside. I just need someone I can show how I am. Someone to realize that I’m human, that I’m also weak that Im breaking down and life is kicking me repeatedly. That I can’t remember the last moment that I genuinely laugh and felt how it is to be happy. I actually wanted to give up... I can’t see any silver lining in all of these. Whatever the big plan is for me, I don’t see it, I lost insight on the future. Right now I’m living my life one week a time, planning for the week ahead only and nothing more. Now I can only live a week at a time and that is the worst feeling anyone can have. Not having any plans for the future, having robbed of your insights and plans in life is just the most depressing feeling you can have. Top it off with pretending that everything is okay. So yeah.. I can’t live that phrase I wrote at the start, for me, right now everything in my life is set for failure and that I’m a bomb waiting to explode.

The 7 Year Battle

The butterflies in the stomach, the racing heartbeat, the sparkling eyes. Things you thought only happen in movies. It didn’t cross your mind that these things were real. That your body automatically respond to the tingling sensation your mind is telling you. The weird part about fairy tales and movies is that it mostly happens to young people. The media portrays all these aspect to mostly teens. But thing is, as I’ve said before, as you mature, surprisingly those feelings are more pronounce, more intense. It drives you crazy thinking about that person. This is another story of 2 people who constantly denied those amazing rare feelings and didn’t take the risk to know how it is to be really to be inlove.

If a friendship last longer than 7 years, psychologist say it will last a lifetime.

True enough I’ve been friends with my high school buds for 23 years and nothings change whenever we see each other. Well friendship is easy. But imagine meeting someone and having that soft voice in your head of the ever famous “what if”. Well, you’d do what ever normal person would do, you’d brush it off. You give yourself a reality check. He’s committed, your committed, it could never be. You then go on with your normal perfetly scheduled life. But there’s a catch! That voice didn’t stop whisering in your head, fact is it got louder and louder. You start thinking of the possibilities, the what if’s just keep piling up. You start playing scenario’s in your head, you find yourself smiling of the possibilities. You.....start to... Hope. You start to listen to that once tiny voice. You start justifying your actions, you start convining yourself that it’s okay, that you’re happy and he seems to be happy. Then it hits you again, it can’t be. He’s.... tying the knot. 6 years of constant battle with your self-righteousness and constant reality check and you know it still ends up the same. It can never be.

You acccepted it, you were okay with it but you know it never really went away at all. 7 years and its still the same. The

(Damn it! I don’t have the proper information for this story, it will have to wait, I’ll leave this for now)

Bus Ride Stories

As time goes by it seems to go easier. You force yourself not to think about her. But the problem with that is what psychologist called the Hydra Dilemma. They said the more you force yourself not to think of something the more you think about it. Sucks, doesn’t it! yeah big time. Lately though as I’ve mentioned its the stories around me that makes me realize I’m not carrying the heaviest of burdens. Hell, when I started listening to people around me it makes me cringe in embarrassment inside. As I’ve put it, I should have been ready, we both know how it was gonna play out but we took the risk, we fought for it not to end, fighting the inevitable.

Last night while going home I got a chance to caught up with my bus driver friend. Here’s a bit of a history with my friend. He’s Indian. It started way way back several years ago. He seems to be my constant driver whenever I go to work. And most of the time I also catch him as my driver on my way home. There’s this light feeling of someone smiling at you as soon as they see you from afar and that you’re going to ride their bus. Surprisingly, one day he greets me in tagalog! was surprised when he did. Then at times in the morning he would give me the morning paper. And our driver/passenger relationship went on and even discovered cycling as our common interest. Also turns out his wife is a filipina, hence, his fondness of our race. I even met his wife on his bus at one point. So every month or so I would catch him as my driver and i always just stand near the driver side to chat with him till I get off on my stop.

As I’ve mentioned I caught him last night on my way home. The usual smile and chit chat about life and a bit about bike. Then I asked him. When was the last time he went back home to his wife. He mentioned around 2 months ago. he started to get serious. He told me there was something wrong. His face got serious, not the usual smiling face he presents me. I was having a hard time trying to understand him. His voice is soft and I could barely comprehend what he’s saying. Well, there’s the accent which I didn’t see as an issue ever since I met him as I can always understand him. But last night was different, his voice was soft maybe due to the sadness you can feel in his voice or maybe not wanting anyone to hear our conversation. Again, I really don’t have the exact details or if I got the story right, I am gonna write down what I’m sure of though.

It was in the line of him and his wife parting ways. And that the mother in law and father in law is texting him telling him to go away as well. He told me he has to close his facebook account. He posted pictures of his wife on her own facebook describing what she did. He told me that his wife has been working in Hong Kong for almost a year now without him knowing about it. He mentioned about him sacrificing his time and sending money back home to her and their children. I don’t need to understand every word he’s saying. A person’s actions and gestures and tone is enough to tell you a lot about what they’re going through. It a plethora of emotions happening at the same time. Sadness being on top of all of it, regret, anger and yeah composure. He needs to go on with his work and put this aside for now. Here’s the major kicker for his story. He said his wife just texted him that day, the exact day I’m talking to him and him driving me home. He said her wife said to leave her alone and that he already has someone. He said he saved it on his phone and he wanted to show it to me but the CCTV might caught him and its illegal for them to do that. That revelation hit me big time. Imagine the pain going thru this man right now. Receiving a message like that is just, for me plainly cruel. And yes after hearing that for some reason I was intently watching how he’s driving and as soon as it hits the highway, my mind was playing tricks on me on possible scenarios he might do with our bus. LOL. But yeah seriously that’s not something anyone can take lightly.

So that’s a total of 3 heart aching stories I’ve heard in the past weeks. All of which makes mine minuscule , it does not even come remotely close to any of them. Might be faith’s way of telling me to man up to what’s happening to me. That I really don’t have anything to whine about.

Well I’m still waiting for that time that I’d wake up and not think about her in my entire day. Hopefully soon.. It still kills me every time it happens. There’s just one thing I ask of right now. That our path will never cross again.

Just When You Thought Your Shit’s Not Going Anymore Deeper

I guess staring at this page for a long time, writing a few words and deleting it again,it never happened before. Not on this page anyway. I used to just open this up and my fingers fire it up. I typed away writing it all out. And now, I don’t even have a title yet. I use to just open this. Put a title and just write and write and write without even thinking of what I have in mind. It’s changing, I’m changing... Am I getting stronger? Am I leaving all of it slowly?

As with my last entry, things are happening to me that makes me realize my problems are nothing compared to others. 2 things happened to me lately. My “friend” is at it again and if it seems she can’t get any deeper into the shit she’s in, she just made her first problem miniscule compared to their newest stunt. If my friend’s a guy. I’d probably hit him in the face just to talk a bit of sense to her, if it will even do that.

So let’s pick up where I left off. She told me that was the last straw. That they would just make that last trip and get it over with. Well, It wouldn’t surprise me if at one point she mentions she’s going on a trip again. Well turns out they’re planning another one! Her reasoning just makes me furious! She told me “He’s the one planning it” My mouth literally hanged open for a few seconds and have to compose myself before replying as I really don’t know how to respond to it. So what happened to that last trip thing? I thought you said you made a decision and that’s it. You can’t keep on using your excuse as a woman and tell me its normal and that you’re fickle minded. MAKE YOUR MIND UP AND EFFIN’ STICK TO IT! I’m not telling you where to go. I’m telling you to make a decision and be EFFIN FIRM ABOUT IT. You keep on saying, its because you are happy. As I’ve told you over and over again. LIFE IS NOT AN EFFIN’ FAIRY TALE!!! The sooner you realize that the sooner you’ll get your shit together. Seriously.. how many times have you been telling yourself that this would be it, that this would be the last straw. That you’ll pull your shit together. I’m sure you’ve lost count already. People are getting hurt, you guys are being selfish. You keep justifying your actions that its okay that its your time to be happy, that you’ve sacrificed a lot that it should be about you now. Don’t you think you’ve given yourselves enough already?

The DNA came back. it was 99.9% your husbands. You denied the test. You refused to accept it. You said its impossible, that it couldn’t have been his and that it was J’s. DNA Paternity testing is the most accurate DNA testing out there. Each person has a unique DNA fingerprint except for identical twins. A paternity DNA result will only yield 2 possible result. a 99.99% match or 0% match. You can’t argue with science friend. Before the test, you told me you were in a way hoping it was your husband’s that would definitely give you a relief from all of this. And now that its his, did you go stop what you were doing, did you try to straighten everything up. Its the same thing when you moved to a different job. Instead of you seeing it as an opportunity to move farther away from all your problems, you guys saw it as a way to again take advantage of it. I know how it is. I’ve been there, I not saying I did better or that I made all the right choices and that I’m happy but one thing I can tell you, what you have right now is not right. It’s not going anywhere near wonderland. It’s not going to be better “insert name here” I actually wrote your name due to my emotions running high. I feel like I’m talking to you face to face on my system. Hell I might throw my system the next minute!

Present....

Well, again turns out you guys are still planning another trip. I mean why? Didn’t you learn your lesson already. Weren’t you thankful enough that the DNA came out like that? I mean, what would it take for you to just simply stop! seriously, you have a baby friend.. a baby, and if case you missed this line. YOU HAVE A BABY! A little angel that longs for you all the time. Don’t you think about her future? Again, however you put it its being selfish.

Second Bomb Dropped...

So I keep on asking myself what It would take for them to stop. Apparently, she told me she’s delayed. And it instantly hit me with her not going near her husband for the past few months. There’s no need for a DNA test this time. Well, she did the test and its positive she’s carrying another one! and this time there’s no mistake its not her husband’s. The problem with her with all of this is her lack of foresight, her planning for the future. She got stuck with her lover’s motto, “Life is too short”, live it to the fullest. Yes that’s a good motto. But it doesn’t mean lawlessness. Live it to the fullest as long as you’re not hurting a single soul. That would be the complete definition of it. If not it’s like saying we can do anything we want and we can take anything we want and we can break any rules set out there. Despite you finding out you’re carrying another baby you still went on and plan this trip. Ohh yeah you told me it’s him who’s planing it anyway. And so? that makes it totally alright? because you’ll just go anyway right? NOT!!!!! Again, I have to say it over and over again, I’m no saint, in everybody’s eyes I was in the same shit before. People won’t go into details to judge us. For them its the same banana. They just will, because its human nature for some that judging people makes them feel righteous. And its hard coming from me telling you all of this. It might even cross your mind “inggit ka lang” and frankly its there of course. I will always have that longing to spend the rest of my life with her. But one of us made a decision and she stuck to it and I have to see the thin line between determination and desperation. I have to chuck it up and tell myself the same thing I’ve been telling you. LIFE IS NOT A FAIRY TALE. There will be heartaches, heartbreaks. Whether we get over it during our lifetime is a questions we reserve for ourselves.

A Possible Glimpse Of Your Future....

I started this entry by saying 2 things happened to me this week. Well one is you dropping another big bomb on me. (I seriously wanna punch you in the face for considering to go on a trip again.) My Ex, my first GF has been texting me for the past weeks asking for help. I can’t get a hold of her and couldn’t entertain her when I was back home. She keep on saying she needs help. I was worried. Not as a former lover but as a genuine person wanting to know what happened to an old friend to be reaching out to me and sounding desperate. We finally got a chance to talk last Saturday. The first thing I heard is her crying. Saying she’s in deep shit and that everyone abandoned her. I asked her to calm down. I told her I’m here. She’s very sad. Here’s her story. Learn from it. I’m not saying this is what’s gonna happen to you or that you’re close to what’s happening to her. I’m telling you this to show you that bad decisions leads to bad situations. She was my girlfriend back on college. We were inlove back then. She.. cheated on me. I confronted her, we went our different ways. I have this thing for making sure I still be friends with my Exes. We settled it. It was painful for me but I have to do it. Well actually in their first year they were together I was still on the sidelines. yeah come to think of it. I was really a flirt eversince. LOL. The guy’s name is Philip. After they and Philip parted ways She meet this guy Mark. Mark and my Ex eventually got married. This Philip guys was always inlove with her. Saying that he never forgot her. Philip also eventually got married. Now all that was way back early 2000. Fast forward to 2014. My Ex and Her husband Mark separated and not sure what the reason is or how fast it happened but My Ex and Philip was back together! they both left their spouses to be together! They seemed happy from her post at that time. She was ecstatic about it. She was in bliss from the turn out of things. Imagine being together with the one that could have been after more than 10 years! That truly is something to be blissful about. Now fast forward to 2015 about a few weeks ago she’s been trying to reach out. I asked what’s wrong. She wouldn’t give me any details. All she said was that she’s a loser and if Im still willing to talk to her. I said yes of course and it doesn’t matter, cause it really doesn’t. She told me everybody hates her and that she doesn’t have anybody and that she wants to die. Her mom doesn’t reply to her, her dad doesn’t as well. So as her siblings. So said she doesn’t have anybody. I asked her where her daughter is and its with her ex husband, Mark. I asked her where she is. She told me she lives in an apartment alone. I clarified it and she is like literally alone. Just her and no one else! She resigned from her job for a month now. Not sure if she got sacked or if she resigned. But bottom line she’s alone, jobless, and she’s doesn’t have any funds as well. She has literally nothing. Like nothing! She said she need to start over, She has a job waiting in Dubai in a few months time. You can hear it in her voice, the uncertainty of that job, the desperation she has. She kept on saying she made a lot of bad decisions. She’s pretty much wrecked now. Why am I telling you all of this? Its not really inline with you in every way and I’m not saying this is what’s going to happen. But I’m offering you a glimpse of what might happen if you make the wrong choices in life. Whether you will make the right one is something we’ll never know until the time comes.

It’s Not A Game.....

Friend (almost typed your name again!). For the nth time, what is your plan? stop believing in what you guys are putting in your head that life is too short and that you should do as you please. Its not happiness, its selfishness that you’re doing. You have to end this. What sign or scenario are you waiting for? This will never play out in your favor however you put it. Say what you want about how I’m saying it to you cause I’ve been there on a similar situation and that you may say I’m miserable with my choices. But Friend (damn it! I typed your name again!) the big difference between you and me is that I was considering the future. Her future, she has a bright one ahead. She will get pass all of this in no time. In fact she did instantly and in a way Im happy that she did. I pray our paths will never cross again. If I could delete her in my life I would but I just can’t do that. I have to up to now, play it all out. Yes Im miserable in a way, yes i miss her and it kills me. But I have to accept, that not because I’m hurting, the world would not stop and give me what I want. It just doesn’t work that way. For you, think about your daughter, about her future. And now you have another one coming. How will the baby grow up? There’s always a way out, we just deliberately ignore it for our own sake, for our own happiness, we justify our choices, we look for the wrong in others and tell ourselves that they have heavier sins and they look happy and they can get away and so we want to do the same. Don’t wait for something bad to happen before you stop all of this. Life is not a fairy tale, wake up and face the reality staring you in the face.

What’s wrong with J’s nowadays.

You open your eyes to a new day. A new day sounds so refreshing for most. Symbolizing a new chance, a fresh start, a way to fix things, to make things right. You try your best but sadness instantly creeps in as soon as light sets in. You realized nothing’s change. Despite all your efforts your still longing for that person that got away. You’re still trapped in her past. Dreaming everything’s the same, that she’s back in your arms. Then you shake your head and tell yourself this is not some happy love story movie, that this is the real life. That heartaches happens, that fairy tales are just that... fairy tales.

That is my story for the past 6 months. a constant replay of life passing by. Pretending that things were okay. Wearing my mask as soon as I see a single soul. But about a week ago there was a major change. Not that the sadness was reduced but a realization that I’m not carrying the heaviest burden. That mine was miniscule compared to others. That I kept on whining on what looked like nothing to compared to theirs. It doesn’t mean that their pain was greater than mine. It just means that there are far worst situations out there and that I should learn from all of this. If I learned to already accept that, that is a different story.

We were discrete, we were stealth, we were careful. Not bulletproof, yes, but dodging the situation for more than 2 years, I’d still applaud ourselves for that. Yes mistakes were there that’s given, but how we handled it is still impressive in a way. I accounted for every situation, build a story for every outcome. I was about to burst holding all of this in. Pretending everything’s okay and all those who knew about it thought it was long over so I could not come to them for comfort, I had to hold everything in myself. No one to go to. No one to tell them that my life’s a mess despite all the smiles. That’s when I rekindled a closeness to an old friend. We’re close yes but haven’t time to catch up in past several years. Just a quick chat here and there. I couldn’t hold it in. I told her my little secret that’s eating me up. She understood, she knew how it feels. She listened and then.. she confides as well. Turns out she was/”is” on a similar scenario! Alas! someone who truly understands me as she is on the same boat. Her’s is actually more revealing. If you were to compare our lives as a circus ride. Mine would be those cheap elementary days roller coaster ride that just goes in circles and a bit of ups and downs. Her’s is like USS’s Battlestar Gallactica only her’s would need a few more twist and height and probably a lose railing in the end that would send you flying off and smashing yourself to the ground, technically killing you in the process.

My Friend’s story.

I don’t have the whole story but I’ll try to write it down as detailed as I can. She’d probably have me correct this and me ending up editing this over and over again. (arrrgggg) for now let me stick to how I heard it. This is her story....

She’s Married.... Its a surprise having a writer’s block as soon as I typed that word. My fingers just lost its momentum, refusing to type away like I use to. Maybe its me confused on the its proper definition. A lot of meaning stood behind this word but living that definition is far from what most people are doing. Are we as a human specie really capable of being monogamous all are lives? Eagles, penguins etc. how does is it that a far more lower species are capable of defining loyalty even after death. Maybe its the simplicity of how their brained are wired. Sleep, eat and love, these species literally lived by these code and we don’t, hence the overused excuse we all use, “We’re only human”. Hence Human League’s Lyrics to Human

“ I'm only human Of flesh and blood I'm made Human Born to make mistakes. “

2 years back she had an affair (It was 3 years, she message me as soon as she read it). She said it lasted only for several months. A foreigner who swings by here every “I don’t know how often”. She told me it was pure bliss. To be inlove that is. Its like jolting your heart back to life. The guy loves her so much and is asking her to go away for good. To leave everything behind. She chose not to. She chose to go where society deemed should be and not where her heart should be. It broke her. Devastated. She was back to her old life and with all the fighting with her husband. She was miserably. Time passed by. It was a mistake by all means something that never should have happened. Something that needs to be buried in the past. She eventually did, well part of it at least. That’s when another guy came to her life. Well, technically the guy is already there, he just became more aggressive and wanting more. It wasn’t just some guy, he’s also married, it was a colleague of hers as well and more than just a normal colleague. It was a shock to me, specially that I know both of them! We’ll if I called mine stealth, these guys were practically invisible! They even made it out living together for a while a few months if I might add! Talk about determination and skill. They got made, both their legal partners were outraged. They have to move out. This story was told to me on the go and I thought that was it. Yup pretty much the same story as mine. Nothing extra special. it ended and that’s it we shared the same story. They’ve ended it and it was about a year or 2 ago...

end of story......

Well.... not quite. After a day or 2, she told me that the story doesn’t end there. That she still holds secrets that are far more shocking than her having 2 affairs in the past years. Let me write a quote first from Paulo Coelho

“Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.”

Surely nothing’s more surprising hearing about 2 of my friends having an affair and me not knowing about it. She told me you’d be surprised. This secret was held by 2 souls only before I got in the picture. Now there’s 3 people who knows it. And well practically the cyberspace and everyone who reads this which is practically around.....2 people LOL me and my friend involved in this situation. I asked permission from here and she practically told me to write it down. To document this event in her life. Well good luck putting a name on my characters. And ohh there’s one more who might have an access or knowledge to this page but I doubt she reads a single page anyway. So technically there’s really 2 people who probably reads this.

What Mr. Coelho said. It happened twice and surely it did happen again! but with the same guy. She and him are back again. Okay, that’s me getting surprised again. not only that that, they recently went on a trip about a week ago! Driving around. Okay that’s me getting surprised no. 2. She’s hesitating to tell me her biggest secret of all. She said its one that will ruin her forever. one she could not escape, one that’s gonna hunt her forever. I was curious and worried i was thinking she did the unthinkable about not giving life and giving it up. That was the gravest I could think of from how she sounded. Good thing it wasn’t, ironically its the opposite of what I was thinking. She did bare the child. The big secret. It wasn’t her husband’s. I literally stopped and felt a bomb just dropped on me. The child was his! Mr. 2nd and 3rd affair was the father. My jaw was literally opened for a few seconds and couldn’t react. It is a indeed something that will hunt her forever. Her husband doesn’t suspect a thing... yet at the time I was told about this. Imagine being all depressed about my own issue and suddenly getting dropped with something like this. I felt small, insignificant that my problems were literally nothing compared to others. That I was whining all this time for something that I knew was doomed from the start. Everything that happened to me was no surprise that everything was going how it should be in the first place. That with our my situation it’s

Strangers, Acquaintance, Friends, Close Friends, Lovers, Friends, Strangers

That was our fate. We fought it long and hard. We hanged to the lovers part as long as we can. I don’t think we even got to the part of being friends again on this destiny’s timeline.

But hearing my friend’s story. they literally messed the chart and just went all ballistic in life. They risk it all. They justified their actions based on their feelings. They reveled and bask in the idea that their was “¨Us” that nothing can stop us. That we’ll fight them all, that eventually we’ll win because we fought for this because this makes us happy. They lived in the code that “Life is too short” that we should enjoy it while we can.

She told me she made a mistake before by not choosing to be happy. Is this her chance at happiness? should she take that leap? How about her baby? She once gave me this quote.

My brain has two sides, the right side and the left side. The right side has nothing left and the left side has nothing right.

Society dictates you go right. But is that what’s best for you? Are you willing to live a lie your whole life. To pretend that life is happy? She was in the same conundrum before and chose to stay. Now she’s seriously thinking of finally doing it. I told her whatever decision you make you’re bound to regret it as soon as you make that decision. That’s just how messed up the situation is. Nothing you do at this point will make things right. The ball is in time’s hand now. What ever decision we make time will tell if we chose the right one...

Ready for more? Well apparently she got caught again. Yeah my friend is kinda stupid like that. Good in hiding with other people but kinda dumb in hiding it with her husband. And now her husband’s family are in the play as well. Pretty much the roller coaster just got higher and gained more twist. And what’s more is that my stupid friend is still at it with a stupid trip this coming week! Yeah she did mention this is the last of it and that’s it she’ll stop. We both know how it is when we stay we’ll stop. It’s just us justifying our hopefully last action that we all know is not the last anyway. It’s a way of telling ourselves this is it after this its gone. To be honest for me its not that time heal all wounds. Then why is it that some still die longing for their lost love and some recover as soon as a few weeks. Cause it was never time. It never was. It’s always that someone that comes along. Someone to make you forget everything. I came to realize we are just as good till the next one comes along. And that is the bitter truth.

Why can’t we be just be like penguins....

P.S No proof reading. Excuse the typos and grammar. LOL I don’t like going over after what I typed.

#hugot

I Hate.....

I hate how you still affect me.

I hate how I still think about you everyday.

I hate how your every post has nothing to do with me, but for them.

I hate knowing that all your qualms have nothing to do with me at all

I hate how you tell people how giggly and happy you are with the different people in your life now.

I hate how I believe it would take you a longer time.

I hate how every song would hit me.

I hate how I can’t seem to assess my life now.

I hate how you smile knowing its for “them “and not me.

I hate........ You

Note To Self...

Don’t assume. Every single note. Ever single post has nothing to do with you. Everything ended when she said it ended. You’re only as good as the next one... #tangakoputa #wagkasiakongassuming

Focus on yourself. Please. Don’t let your world revolve around someone else, because people are temporary. Do your own things; have your own likes. Don’t do things for them. Do things for you. Don’t stick around waiting for them, don’t give up your all for them because I guarantee you they will leave. Please. Live for yourself.

6 months...

Still feels like yesterday....

Write! Write! Write! You write it all out. Its like ripping you apart. Eyes swelling, you inhale deeply and control it. You can’t let it out. You don’t have anyone to talk to. You feel the world is crushing you. Tears roll down before sleep sets in at night. In the morning as soon as you open your eyes. You lie there lifeless, tears flowing again on their own. You go on your day. Sit on your table and find yourself grasping for control for people not to notice. Tears still wants to burst out. Your day goes by, nothing different, every thing’s the same as yesterday. An endless cycle of torture. You start to lose hope, hope in everything. You start to compare your life to others. Its like the light was suck completely out of you. You start to lose interest in everything. You just want to lie in bed all day and shut the world around you. You simply.. simply.. want every thing to just end....

Flowers....

Its been exactly a year since I gave her a dozen red roses. August 5, 2014. I ordered i think a dozen or 2 or red roses and had it delivered to her house. Its a mixed of emotions for her if I remembered it correctly. She did mentioned she kept one bud. Well who knows. She probably threw it out already. I miss her so much. How do you forget someone you love so much?

You thought a smile would somehow ease you. You thought that a single moment you see her, you’d tell yourself you’re happy. Well it did for a few minutes and then you’re back to realising that’s it, just that. Despite everything you’ve heard, you try to understand and accept it. You still try to defend her and protect her. But deep inside it stabs you. Its like a smoldering knife slowly piercing into your heart and once its all in and you thought that’s it she starts to twist it slowly burning and cutting away flesh at the same time. And when you thought again you’ve deserve all of the pain you’re feeling. You find out something again and its like fate doesn’t feel its justice enough, she adds acid into that already torned and burning heart of yours. I though everything was supposed to go easier in time. But why? The longer it sinks in that she’s gone the more it hurts you. You realize all those heartaches you’ve been feeling when you were younger is nothing compared to this. You mature. You realize love is different when you’re older. You’re past the physical features, you go for companionship, compatibility, same level of thinking. A good conversationalist and yes even sex. You beat yourself up why you didn’t wait for those things to come. Why you felt you wanted to go fast in life and start a family. You have a connotation that life is passing by real fast and you have to start building that family, settle in. You go to the first person that you’re heart went for. Not knowing that there’s more to it than just that. 7 years I though I was happy. My life was my definition of happy, people look up to me as someone who doesn’t have any baggage to carry. And frankly that’s how I feel. I always told myself, It won’t happen to me. To be sad, confused, middle age crisis. Its all in the mind. I was the life of every party. The jester in every gathering. The positive funny force that just lifts anyone up no matter how down they were. But fate has other plans. What ever the end result of that plan is, its yet to unravel.

I never looked or try to find someone else. Yes at times you get tempted but that’s just it tempted nothing more than that. But there’s this one girl that just gets to you. It may sound funny and unrealistic, but there’s this feeling of I knew I love you before I met you kind of thing. Didn’t know her name, didn’t see her up close but when she walks past you its just... I don’t know, different. It just grabs your attention, its somehow hypnotic. We finally met, got close, got more than close, ups and downs, holding on to the right thing to do. Its wrong, everything’s wrong. But it still happened. We both knew we were doomed even before we started yet we took that leap. We gave in. We chose to defy everything and everyone. Did we won? I’d like to think we did... for a time. Was it worth it? A question that still lingers in my head. The pain’s too much bear. If I were given a time machine and fly back thru time and end up on the evening of October 13, 2012. I was on the train. Holding my phone. Texting her. Will I still say I was hungry? Would I still say yes when she offered to go with me to eat out? Would we allow ourselves to stay till wee hours on the staircase? Every night I’ve been asking myself the same question. And sadly after contemplating, I always told myself I’d do the same thing over and over again. I once read, Don’t cry because it ended, smile because it happened.

I’m still hurting, hurting more than before. Depressed and doesn’t have anyone to go to. You used to tell me It might take a year or 2 or never to get over it. Its just a surprise it wasn’t that long for you. But I don’t blame you, I always knew you were just passing by. I always told you there’d be others. Better, funnier, “er” in every sense. I still pray for you every night. Be happy, stay happy. Do as you please. Don’t be in a hurry like I was. Find that one person that won’t make you fall for another, cause everything is in him already.

I miss you.. I miss you so much. I really really really miss you.

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Letting Go.....

#bluerthanblue

Ang tanga tanga tanga tanga ko...

Broken. Battered. Bruised. Squashed. Crushed. Pulverized. Torned. Shredded. Beat down. Stepped on. Pathetic. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. And as a last note stupid! Forcing myself to someone who's already past me. ANG TANGA TANGA KO TANG INA.

#Iwanttodie

.....

Well I just find out its most probably not for me. But I didn’t expect that the story behind would be much more painful than it being intended for me.... I don’t have the slightest idea what the story is but somebody just hurt her and it just makes me furious.

#tanginathis iwanttodisappear iseriouslyjustwanttodie

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It All Started On The Staircase