What’s wrong with J’s nowadays.
You open your eyes to a new day. A new day sounds so refreshing for most. Symbolizing a new chance, a fresh start, a way to fix things, to make things right. You try your best but sadness instantly creeps in as soon as light sets in. You realized nothing’s change. Despite all your efforts your still longing for that person that got away. You’re still trapped in her past. Dreaming everything’s the same, that she’s back in your arms. Then you shake your head and tell yourself this is not some happy love story movie, that this is the real life. That heartaches happens, that fairy tales are just that... fairy tales.Â
That is my story for the past 6 months. a constant replay of life passing by. Pretending that things were okay. Wearing my mask as soon as I see a single soul. But about a week ago there was a major change. Not that the sadness was reduced but a realization that I’m not carrying the heaviest burden. That mine was miniscule compared to others. That I kept on whining on what looked like nothing to compared to theirs. It doesn’t mean that their pain was greater than mine. It just means that there are far worst situations out there and that I should learn from all of this. If I learned to already accept that, that is a different story.Â
We were discrete, we were stealth, we were careful. Not bulletproof, yes, but dodging the situation for more than 2 years, I’d still applaud ourselves for that. Yes mistakes were there that’s given, but how we handled it is still impressive in a way. I accounted for every situation, build a story for every outcome. I was about to burst holding all of this in. Pretending everything’s okay and all those who knew about it thought it was long over so I could not come to them for comfort, I had to hold everything in myself. No one to go to. No one to tell them that my life’s a mess despite all the smiles. That’s when I rekindled a closeness to an old friend. We’re close yes but haven’t time to catch up in past several years. Just a quick chat here and there. I couldn’t hold it in. I told her my little secret that’s eating me up. She understood, she knew how it feels. She listened and then.. she confides as well. Turns out she was/”is” on a similar scenario!  Alas! someone who truly understands me as she is on the same boat. Her’s is actually more revealing. If you were to compare our lives as a circus ride. Mine would be those cheap elementary days roller coaster ride that just goes in circles and a bit of ups and downs. Her’s is like USS’s Battlestar Gallactica only her’s would need  a few more twist and height and probably a lose railing in the end that would send you flying off and smashing yourself to the ground, technically killing you in the process.Â
I don’t have the whole story but I’ll try to write it down as detailed as I can. She’d probably have me correct this and me ending up editing this over and over again. (arrrgggg) for now let me stick to how I heard it. This is her story....
She’s  Married.... Its a surprise having a writer’s block as soon as I typed that word. My fingers just lost its momentum, refusing to type away like I use to. Maybe its me confused on the its proper definition. A lot of meaning stood behind this word but living that definition is far from what most people are doing. Are we as a human specie really capable of being monogamous all are lives? Eagles, penguins etc. how does is it that a far more lower species are capable of defining loyalty even after death. Maybe its the simplicity of how their brained are wired. Sleep, eat and love, these species literally lived by these code and we don’t, hence the overused excuse we all use, “We’re only human”. Hence Human League’s Lyrics to Human
“ I'm only human
Of flesh and blood I'm made
Human
Born to make mistakes. “
2 years back she had an affair (It was 3 years, she message me as soon as she read it). She said it lasted only for several months. A foreigner who swings by here every “I don’t know how often”. She told me it was pure bliss. To be inlove that is. Its like jolting your heart back to life. The guy loves her so much and is asking her to go away for good. To leave everything behind. She chose not to. She chose to go where society deemed should be and not where her heart should be. It broke her. Devastated. She was back to her old life and with all the fighting with her husband. She was miserably. Time passed by. It was a mistake by all means something that never should have happened. Something that needs to be buried in the past. She eventually did, well part of it at least. That’s when another guy came to her life. Well, technically the guy is already there, he just became more aggressive and wanting more. It wasn’t just some guy, he’s also married, it was a colleague of hers as well and more than just a normal colleague. It was a shock to me, specially that I know both of them! We’ll if I called mine stealth, these guys were practically invisible! They even made it out living together for a while a few months if I might add! Talk about determination and skill. They got made, both their legal partners were outraged. They have to move out. This story was told to me on the go and I thought that was it. Yup pretty much the same story as mine. Nothing extra special. it ended and that’s it we shared the same story. They’ve ended it and it was about a year or 2 ago...Â
Well.... not quite. After a day or 2, she told me that the story doesn’t end there. That she still holds secrets that are far more shocking than her having 2 affairs in the past years. Let me write a quote first from Paulo Coelho
“Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.”
Surely nothing’s more surprising hearing about 2 of my friends having an affair and me not knowing about it. She told me you’d be surprised. This secret was held by 2 souls only before I got in the picture. Now there’s 3 people who knows it. And well practically the cyberspace and everyone who reads this which is practically around.....2 people LOL me and my friend involved in this situation. I asked permission from here and she practically told me to write it down. To document this event in her life. Well good luck putting a name on my characters. And ohh there’s one more who might have an access or knowledge to this page but I doubt she reads a single page anyway. So technically there’s really 2 people who probably reads this.Â
What Mr. Coelho said. It happened twice and surely it did happen again! but with the same guy. She and him are back again. Okay, that’s me getting surprised again. not only that that, they recently went on a trip about a week ago! Driving around. Okay that’s me getting surprised no. 2. She’s hesitating to tell me her biggest secret of all. She said its one that will ruin her forever. one she could not escape, one that’s gonna hunt her forever. I was curious and worried i was thinking she did the unthinkable about not giving life and giving it up. That was the gravest I could think of from how she sounded. Good thing it wasn’t, ironically its the opposite of what I was thinking. She did bare the child. The big secret. It wasn’t her husband’s. I literally stopped and felt a bomb just dropped on me. The child was his! Mr. 2nd and 3rd affair was the father. My jaw was literally opened for a few seconds and couldn’t react. It is a indeed something that will hunt her forever. Her husband doesn’t suspect a thing... yet at the time I was told about this. Imagine being all depressed about my own issue and suddenly getting dropped with something like this. I felt small, insignificant that my problems were literally nothing compared to others. That I was whining all this time for something that I knew was doomed from the start. Everything that happened to me was no surprise that everything was going how it should be in the first place. That with our my situation it’s
Strangers, Acquaintance, Friends, Close Friends, Lovers, Friends, Strangers
That was our fate. We fought it long and hard. We hanged to the lovers part as long as we can. I don’t think we even got to the part of being friends again on this destiny’s timeline.Â
But hearing my friend’s story. they literally messed the chart and just went all ballistic in life. They risk it all. They justified their actions based on their feelings. They reveled and bask in the idea that their was “¨Us” that nothing can stop us. That we’ll fight them all, that eventually we’ll win because we fought for this because this makes us happy. They lived in the code that “Life is too short” that we should enjoy it while we can.Â
She told me she made a mistake before by not choosing to be happy. Is this her chance at happiness? should she take that leap? How about her baby? She once gave me this quote.
My brain has two sides, the right side and the left side. The right side has nothing left and the left side has nothing right.Â
Society dictates you go right. But is that what’s best for you? Are you willing to live a lie your whole life. To pretend that life is happy? She was in the same conundrum before and chose to stay. Now she’s seriously thinking of finally doing it. I told her whatever decision you make you’re bound  to regret it as soon as you make that decision. That’s just how messed up the situation is. Nothing you do at this point will make things right. The ball is in time’s hand now. What ever decision we make time will tell if we chose the right one...
Ready for more? Well apparently she got caught again. Yeah my friend is kinda stupid like that. Good in hiding with other people but kinda dumb in hiding it with her husband. And now her husband’s family are in the play as well. Pretty much the roller coaster just got higher and gained more twist. And what’s more is that my stupid friend is still at it with a stupid trip this coming week! Yeah she did mention this is the last of it and that’s it she’ll stop. We both know how it is when we stay we’ll stop. It’s just us justifying our hopefully last action that we all know is not the last anyway. It’s a way of telling ourselves this is it after this its gone. To be honest for me its not that time heal all wounds. Then why is it that some still die longing for their lost love and some recover as soon as a few weeks. Cause it was never time. It never was. It’s always that someone that comes along. Someone to make you forget everything. I came to realize we are just as good till the next one comes along. And that is the bitter truth.Â
Why can’t we be just be like penguins....
P.S No proof reading. Excuse the typos and grammar. LOL I don’t like going over after what I typed.Â