itscalledgrowth

i needed an outlet to express my thoughts, work through my insecurities, track my gowth. heres to my journey to holistic wellness

[itscalledgrowth-blog]

Who has Access to Health?

**Written about a year ago, never finished...

Who has access to wellness? Who is granted the freedom to be healthy? Questions like these have been running through my mind for the past couple of weeks since I ended my hot yoga membership. After redoing my monthly budget, which included the necessities like gas, food, student loans, savings, etc I realized I was not able to fit a $150 monthly yoga membership into my budget. Even though I loved doing hot yoga, I was finding myself stressed trying to make time and money for yoga. How can you be stressed to do something that’s supposed to make you essentially stress free? It didn’t make sense to me, so I decided to let it go. But it still bothers me that I had to let it go. And it brings me back to who has access to be well?

When I think of outside wellness tools and practices, I think of yoga, gym, therapy, lifestyle coaches, just to name a few. All of these tools come with a price. And for many people living in low to middle class socioeconomic statuses, these prices are out of their budget. Do they lose out on being healthy? What about insurance? Well insurance definitely does not pay for yoga or gym memberships, and may subsidize the amount to see a therapist but what are the odds of finding a person of color who looks like you and can relate to your experiences in your price range? This can be extremely disencouraging for someone who is trying to be healthy but is constantly being knocked down because of their socio-economic status and their race. Are people of color allowed to be healthy and well? Do they have the financial ability to sustain healthy practices?

Someone, we’ll call her Amy, confided in me about their current health situation. Amy explained how their health is at risk, being diagnosed as prediabetic and how hard it is to focus on their health being a single parent raising children. Amy was told she needed to exercise more and watch what she eats. She had to take her children to school, go to work, pick them up, take them to after school extracurricular activities, find time to make dinner (often grabbing some fast food that’s quick and cheap), get the kids ready for school the next day. How is Amy suppose to find the time to intentionally look after her health? I would like to note that my usage of the word intention is to highlight that Black people in lower income households are often raised in highly polluted neighborhoods, food deserts, and cultural food traditions that are high in sugar, salt, and fat. So to intentionally look after one’s health is to be fully present of our choices and our soundings.

Back to my point, it can be extremely hard for a person of color in the hood to intentionally look after one’s health.

[itscalledgrowth-blog]

A Love Letter to Me

I love…

I love my laugh. Especially when something is so funny, and I start to cry. Which is almost every time I genuinely laugh.

I love my connection to nature. I love how I’ve always seen her true beauty and the feeling of peace every time I simply stare at her.

I love my hair. I love how it curls, how it springs back when I apply tension.

I love the company I keep. How they make me feel safe, happy, loved.

I love my ability to hold secrets. I love that I am trustworthy and that other people trust me with their secrets.

I love my energy. It’s a bright yellow. Its uplifting. It’s a “feel good” energy. And I definitely feel good.

I love what I bring to the table of friendship. I love I have an opening ear to anyone who needs someone to listen to them. I love how supportive I am.

I love my corny jokes. Even when no-one else thinks they’re funny.

I love how I think about the world. I love when I feel comfortable enough to challenge people’s beliefs in a respectable way.

I love how I’m able to forgive those who hurt me.

I love how I’m learning to forgive myself.

I love my passion for empowering women, women of color, people of color.

I love how smart I am. I love I can read books about race, gender, and sexuality and be able to have conversation with people around me about what I read.

I love how I’m picky about who I invest my energy into.

I love how I can point out people’s bullshit.

I love my desire to help others live a healthy life.

I love how I dance in the mirror after taking a shower.

I love the way I look when I first wake up in the morning. My morning eye boogers are so beautiful ;)

I love my realness, my down to earth vibe.

I love how I can be boujee but still down to do hood rat things.

I love the way my body moves to music.

I love that I can have a conversation about racism, being a woman, being black, and about Gossip Girl, The Vampire Diaries, Modern Family.

I love my goofiness.

I love my home training and the respect I have for people’s space.

I love that I’m polite, soft spoken but can check you real quick and let you know I’m Not The One.

I love my ability to be alone and happy. I love that I’m comfortable with myself by myself.

I love how social I can be, when I want to be.

I love my love for others. I love how I express my love.

I love my fashion style.

I love my spirit. It’s so beautiful and fragile but strong. It’s unique, attractive, and consuming.

I love my gentle kisses. My on the lip kisses, cheek to cheek, forehead, eskimo kisses.

[itscalledgrowth-blog]

some days I gotta sit

Yoga Barre

This evening, I decided to go to a hot yoga, nothing out of the ordinary. I’ve been feeling guilty because I haven’t gone to a class since Sunday, and its Friday. I kept making excuses “I’m tired from work” “I just want to go to bed” “I don’t like the class that’s available that specific time I want to go” etc etc. Since I got off work early, my dentist appointment went okay and didn’t put me in a shitty mood, I decided to go to yoga. Plus, I need to be getting my money’s worth out of this membership subscription.

I decided to take a yoga barre class at my hot yoga studio. Just to my surprise, it was a black woman instructing the class. I’ve taken her yoga barre class before, which kicked. my. butt. Nonetheless I was super excited because 1. A black yoga instructor, duh. 2. She’s super sweet and I know I’m about to get a workout in. So, I went it ready to take on the class.

Now, the studio’s webpage says it should take 2-3 times before your body gets acclimated to the heat. It’s been a month and I’m still in child’s pose AT LEAST 2 times through-out any class. That’s normal for me, cool. BUT TODAY. Today I was on the floor in child’s pose or just simply sitting at least half of the class. 

Usually dropping to the floor does not bother me because I’d rather sit down then push myself too far and be carried out by the ambulance because I fainted during yoga. And what I love so much about hot yoga specifically, it forces me to really listen to my body. I have to listen to what it’s telling me and respect that message, or else my body will take over and I will wake up being carried on a stretcher in the back of an ambulance truck. Not fun. As the class came to end, I was overwhelmed with relief that it was over, even though I spent most of the class trying to stop my head from spinning. As I walk out the hot room and reach for a cold eucalyptus towel, I reflect on my yoga practice.

Yes, I’m going to have days where I can make it through an entire hot yoga class with no breaks and I feel super confident in myself about those days. But I will also have days where I’m on the ground more than I am standing up doing the poses or exercises, and I should be just as confident myself on those days as well. Practicing yoga is solely for my benefit. It revolves around my body, my connection, my energy. It is for me. Practicing yoga is not for the gram, not for the pictures, nor for bragging rights. I practice yoga (in a hot room) to deepen my connection to my mind and body. I would say those days where I’m on the floor more than I am flowing, my connection to my body is at its deepest level. Because I get to really sit and focus on my breath, listen to what my body is saying, have a conversation with it, encourage it, acknowledge the poses that make me feel better and acknowledge the ones that make me drop back to floor, all with openness and gratitude.

I love the challenge hot yoga gives me along with the many lessons.

For anyone feeling a little insecure about yoga: do it for you. You do not have to be the most flexible, strongest, leanest human out there to do yoga. I’m nowhere near flexible, I’m positive there has not been a day yet when I was able to do the splits. My arm/upper body strength is at a “needs improvement” stage. Yet here I am! If you take the physical worries out if it and open your mind to the spiritual growth yoga has to offer, I’m sure your worries be almost nonexistent. Because trust me, the moment I hit that mat, someone soon follows. And there’s that moment of “yup, I feel you.”

[itscalledgrowth-blog]

ITSCALLEDGROWTH

Since moving back to Los Angeles, I’ve decided to use this time to work on myself holistically, meaning feeding my mind, body and spirit. I could have surrounded this move with negativity and sadness because I moved in with my grandparents, moved away from friends, no money in my bank account, no job secured, blah blah blah. But instead I decided to take this opportunity to focus on parts of my well-being that was screaming for attention. Basically, seeing the light at the end of the so-called tunnel or some other cliché phrase. And to be quite honest, my spirit is yearning for attention. So much was going on around me, that was not for me. With that being said, I focused my time working on my spiritual self. It needed the most attention. So, what exactly have I been doing? Been intentional with meditating everyday (of course some days I don’t, no one is perfect), thinking positive thoughts, making vision boardS (yes more than one. Ya girl got a lot of goals that she trying to manifest), writing out my goals, writing in my gratitude journal or outwardly expressing gratitude for the people around me, basically vibrating at a higher frequency.

Some days it is hard. Some days I feel so inspired like I can take on the world. As the days pass and I reflect on my current state of mind, I realize yes, I’m making progress but I’m also cheating myself. I think about this blog every day and wishing I could share it with the world. Yet I don’t write anything. I come home from work, take a shower, maybe eat dinner and go to sleep. My excuse is I’m tired and want to be well rested for work the next day. Honestly, I’m being lazy. Or maybe I’m scared? Scared of expressing my thoughts. Scared of connecting with people on a deeper level. Or maybe I’m nervous about sharing something that’s very personal to me. My holistic wellness journey is very personal. I’ve been through so many highs and lows and although I love sharing affirmations and how I’ve come so far and where I want to be, I only share it with a select few. Some family members and my two best friends at most. Could it be possible that they see this greatness and light filled person in me because I’m truly vulnerable with them. Do they see beauty and success in me because I am truly myself around them? If that’s the case, what would happen if I show my vulnerability to more people? If I share the things that truly make me happy and light up. If I shared my rock bottoms and my mountain peaks and everything in between?

Honestly, even if no-one reads this, I did it for myself. Because I decided to stop only thinking about it and actually JUST DO IT (shout to Nike and Colin Kaepernick).

Every day, I hope to make strides toward growth. Whether that’s physical growth, mental growth, or spiritual growth. I hope to take each day as an opportunity to be a better person. It’s time for some things to start changing. It’s time to stop being scared or making excusing. The fact that I gotten this far in this blog post means something already :) 

-E.

this first blog post is dedicated to my best friend Brhan. you were the one who pushed me to create this blog and speak openly about whatever I wanted. you’re support means everything to me.