Anxiety & Overthinking Are My Homies

I bleed Barry's.

[itsclodaghb]

Letter to My Mother

It’s been nearly three years since you died.  I have nightmares almost every night, in which you’re just suddenly back, as if nothing happened, with no recollection, and you begin to cry when I sit you down and explain to you why I’m so confused over seeing you again.  Or, I’ll often dream that you’re back, and for some reason I’m the only one in the family who recalls your death. And everyone (including you) are angry with me for closing all of your personal accounts and donating your clothing. 

I wonder what it would be like if you actually were back.  Not forever, as I know you suffered in life.  But for an hour, if nothing more, what would I say?  Would you remember dying?  Would I have to explain that I tried to stop it?  I saw it happening before everyone else, and I still couldn’t stop it.  I knew you didn’t want to go.  

But let’s say you were here, now.  And you understood your passing.  What next?

Of course, I miss you!  As much as we argued and were ready to box the heads off each other, I’ve missed you. I know you were in pain and angry over your physical limitations. I understand.

Donald Trump is the president of the United States right now, and no, I’m not joking.  You don’t know how I wish I were!  At first, it seemed like a sick prank, and we all expected him to break scene at any given moment to exclaim “Live from New York - it’s Saturday Night!”  But he never did.  And things got dark very quickly.  Our country is a woman-hating, racist sh!thole right now, and we are an embarrassment to the world.  There are no words!

My name is different now, and not by choice.  I was attacked a while back, and had my life threatened when I sought justice.  Our justice system did absolutely nothing for me, and my attacker is now free to attack someone else. And I now have a name that most people I encounter can’t pronounce.  It’s amusing, most times, but it can be frustrating when some people don’t even bother attempting to learn the proper pronunciation.  Or, I’ll feel like an impostor when I introduce myself...I’m still getting used to the new name, myself.  I’ve been battling anxiety attacks since this happened, I no longer trust people, I sleep with the light on when I sleep alone, and my stomach issues have been through the roof.  It’s been fun!

I’ve been traveling a lot  I think a lot of it has been to avoid how lost I’ve felt since you died. Or, it’s been a bit of me trying to run away from feeling like I fucked up somehow...like there was more I could have done...something I should have seen sooner to save you. I don’t know. But yeah, I travel quite a bit.  I’m in Ireland so often! (Oh yeah, I’m still with that guy that you were so threatened by and had no reason to be when you were alive!) I’ve also been to Scotland and Portugal, and even visited where great grandma was from in Italy! (It actually wasn’t such a nice place, but the other cities that I visited there were beautiful!) I’m going back to Porto for Thanksgiving, and will be in Dublin for Christmas.  I can’t do the holidays anymore without you here.  I remember how happy you were when I put that little tree up, just before you fell sick, and remember sitting alone with you all morphined out in the hospital on Christmas while everyone else were home celebrating and I knew...  It’s not your fault, and it’s not their fault; it’s no one’s fault.  It just is...and this is how I deal with things.  I like to think that you’re there with me while I travel, seeing these beautiful places with me, but I don’t know what I believe as far as the afterlife goes.

I don’t know what happened, but I haven’t seen Laura in nearly six months now. I’ve tried keeping up with her, but she’s had so much going on in her life.  I’ve tried to process no longer having my ‘second mom’ there for me, and taking in the fact that I truly am alone in things now.  But I needed to reach out to her for something yesterday, and there she was.  And yet, when I brought up seeing her over the weekend, she was too busy again. So I don’t know.  I miss her too. 

Franny misses you terribly! Something truly horrendous happened last year, and I know she’d give anything to talk with you just about now.  

So, I’m still with that guy who you always feared would take me away from you. I can’t honestly say “I’m okay,” but “I’m still here” because of him.  I haven’t completely lost my way given everything that’s happened.  There’s laughter, there’s travel, there’s company, and there’s love.  And even with all of that, I still find myself utterly lost at times.  And I know it breaks him in that he can’t help me.  I’m slowly sorting things out and working on finding myself.  I’ll get there.

I’m making candles again! I know how much you used to love when I did that.  I’m writing more (this for example), and actually get paid for it sometimes. The bathroom light still doesn’t work...it’s become a point of amusement, now!

After the Thanksgiving trip to Porto is the Late Late Toy Show.  We’re having friends over for a night of food, pints, and laughs.  It really isn’t Christmas yet until we’ve laughed at kids on the Toy Show and taken bets on when Ryan Tubridy is going to take his next hit backstage. You’d have so much fun with us!

I miss you so much.  I would trade my trip in a heartbeat for just one more Thanksgiving with you...eating, drinking, and watching a Law & Order marathon. I’m sorry that your last Thanksgiving consisted of a tofurky.  I would have cooked the largest turkey I could find, and would have made a massive meal, had I known!

I love you.   

[itsclodaghb]

The Cat Who Walked By Herself

Blood relation isn’t the deciding factor when it comes to family ties, but it most certainly is a wonderful feeling when you find that reassuring bond with those whom you do call “relatives.”  

I’ve learned at quite a young age the concept of ‘building one’s own family.’  Having never really felt a sense of belonging or of having a place within my own family, I’ve been searching for my own tribe, so to speak...I still feel as though I’m searching, at times.  

Though, when I’m at my absolute loneliest, and truly do feel as though I am the stray cat of the family, I suddenly find myself in the contact & company of either one or two cousins who also seem to voice and understand the Stray Cat Condition that seems to plague & haunt me. When I find myself drifting a bit too far out to sea, or vice versa, we pull one another closer to land and remind each other that in the loneliness can be found solidarity.  And that, to me, is both fucked up and beautiful. 

That moment of clarity is so precious and rare to me, and something that I will never take for granted. 

If you are close with your family, may you never understand what it is that I’m speaking about. 

[itsclodaghb]

Grief, Getting On With Things, & the Holidays.

Grief is an overly simplified word that can’t be properly defined unless experienced first-hand.  Its definition is one that is almost beyond the spoken language, but we do our best to share our experiences of it (which can vary greatly, from person to person).

I don’t open up much about my experience with grief, but am always up for a chat if someone is hurting or in need of a kindred soul. I’m still navigating my own emotions, or lack thereof at times, as I tend to dissociate and be quite numb as a survival technique.  In addition to losing my mother quite unexpectedly and traumatically two years back, I’d also found myself the victim of a violent attack one year later and had to legally forfeit my name to remain safe from my attacker, who ultimately walked from his crime (as seemed to be the pattern from his previous criminal record, as well).  *For protective purposes, anything that I write is written under a pen name. 

So, not only do I find myself grieving the loss of my mother; I’m also, in a sense, grieving the loss of myself.  I’m grieving the loss of my name, the loss of my faith in people, the loss of my sense of security.  I’m homesick for my name and for family who no longer roam this Earth. 

With the holidays fast approaching, there seems to be this pressure to suddenly “be okay.”  I’ve point blank been asked “How are you STILL sad? It’s been how many years?” by friends who, notably, still have their loved ones with them, alive and well.   I used to feel angered by this, but I no longer react this way. People who say things like this haven’t lost anyone close to them, yet, and do not understand or know what grief is.  I’d rather they be unintentionally insensitive than stand in my shoes of knowing this pain. 

For those who do find themselves in my place...I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort.  I’ve been waiting for the grief to just “lift,” and for my old self to just miraculously return.  But I’m beginning to realize that this is not the case, and will most likely not happen. 

An interview with Sir Bob Geldof on the ‘An Irishman Abroad’ podcast (episode 200) comes to mind, in which he states (on the topics of grief & terrible things happening), “Large chunks of you are left behind.  It’s no use saying time heals. It does not.  Time cannot heal.  Time accommodates.  You can put back a version of yourself, it isn’t the same as before...you can play several different versions of the same song.  Some are good versions, some aren’t.  And that is what must happen with your life.”

The best I can do (as I can’t speak for anyone other than myself) is to just keep myself busy...to keep moving.  Perhaps it is a bit of me trying to outrun my grief?  Possibly.

I travel.  A LOT.  I can’t handle the holidays.  I’m just not able for them, and that is okay. My mother fell ill just after Thanksgiving, was hospitalised throughout Christmas, and died of heart failure the day after New Year’s.  I’ve even stopped celebrating my birthday after her death because it fell three weeks after.  I just can’t. So I travel to distract myself.  

I’ve started making soy candles, once more (a hobby that I used to have before she died).  I find this to be extremely relaxing, love putting something out there that brings others enjoyment and happiness, and I’m now more than set if the power ever goes out during the next major weather event. Sorted!

I volunteer whenever possible, attend comedy shows, go to concerts, and am looking into taking online courses soon...anything to keep busy, to keep myself moving.

Of course, there are some days where I need to just hide away from the world and be let alone, and that is perfectly okay as well.  Just be sure to not allow yourself to get lost in the solitude.  It can be too easy to shut yourself away from the world, and this is where grief and depression can become dangerous. I’ve had those scary thoughts where I’d weigh out the pros & cons of continuing on with things.  I’ve literally had a full page of “cons,” and a page with just a question mark on it for the “pros”...but I’m still here, somehow, carrying on with things.  

Above all, just remember...the holidays are normal days, just like every other day.  We only hype them up because we’re told “we must do so!” Honestly, the only thing I care about around the holidays are the Late Late Toy Show and sales on Cadbury Roses!

Be Excellent To Each Other, and Party On Dudes :)  (And also reach out if you need help in dealing with your grief...you’re most definitely NOT alone in this <3 )

[badlydrawneverything]

im starting to figure out what i want but certain things keep pulling me back under

[itsclodaghb]

Truth.