Before we really get into the advice section of this post, I want to tell you all a little story about this couple I know and their experience with kink shaming. They are a cis, heterosexual couple, so I will simply be referring to them as Girl and Guy so to maintain privacy.
A few years ago, Girl entered her relationship with Guy. This was Girl’s first romantic and sexual relationship ever, so she wasn’t very experienced in the realm of asking for certain things in bed or in a relationship, or how to bring up her kinks to Guy. Girl has never had sex with anyone else up until this point, but there is a certain kink that she thinks she could like to try with Guy. However, Girl’s friends tell her that this kink is “too weird,” and that she shouldn’t try to pursue this kink with Guy. Out of fear of her first boyfriend thinking of her as “too weird,” Girl decides to not tell Guy that she would like to try this kink.
As the relationship progresses, Girl and Guy’s relationship gets slightly kinkier, but Girl still doesn’t reveal this secret kink of hers out of fear of Guy shaming her. After a year, Guy decides to reveal to Girl that he would also like to try this kink but didn’t say anything about it out of fear that Girl would shame him. They were both into the same thing and too scared to tell each other! This story has a happy ending, as now Girl and Guy are able to have all the kinky, sexy fun that they want – but there’s still a whole year that they missed out on! Think of how much more they could have done had they not been so afraid of being shamed.
However, the story of Girl and Guy, where they both ended up enjoying the same kink, isn’t the story of everyone. Sometimes, your partner has a kink that you don’t have. Sometimes, your partner doesn’t want to partake in your kinks. So in this post, I will be discussing how to bring up your kinks to your partner for the first time, how to politely reject your partner’s kinks that you’re not into without shaming them, and how to handle it if your partner rejects your kink. I’ll also be discussing how to compromise with your kinks, and when and how to negotiate them.
I also want to briefly acknowledge the difference between a kink and a fetish. They are often used interchangeably, but there is a difference. In simplest terms, a fetish is something that you need to incorporate into your sexual adventures in order to get off; there’s usually no if, ands or buts – you need this thing in order to enjoy yourself. A kink on the other hand is something that you don’t necessarily need, but simply enjoy and/or want, and it’s not the end of the world if you don’t get to partake in it.
“How do I bring up my kinks to my partner?”
Phrasing. Is. Everything.
You want to make sure your partner knows that you care about their comfort. So, firstly, I wouldn’t advise just walking up to them and saying, “I want to try (insert kink here)”. That may work for some people, especially if you’re a bit more experienced in the world of kink. However, if this is a fairly new relationship or if your partner is fairly new to kink, you want to ask them if they want to try it, and phrase the question so it’s about them, not you. Ask them something like, “Would you like to try (insert kink here)?” or “How would you feel if we tried (insert kink here).” Do not use the word “I” anywhere in the question, but always use the world “you”. This lets your partner know that you care about their feelings, their opinion, and their comfortability with said kink.
“I’m not into my partner’s kink. How do I tell them without making them feel bad?”
Well, firstly, don’t say something like, “That’s weird” or “Ew” or “You’re into that? Really?”. Phrases like these really have the potential to make your partner feel bad. Sometimes it’s really easy to say the wrong thing when you’re answering on the spot, so don’t be afraid to ask your partner if you can think about it. However, at the end of the day, you do need to be honest with them and should not feel obligated to perform any sexual act that you honestly do not wish to perform. Maybe say something along the lines of, “You know what? I’m just not really into that – but it’s okay if you are! Please don’t feel bad about enjoying something that I don’t.” Honesty truly is the best policy, just don’t be a dick about it.
“What do I do if my partner rejects my kink?”
Well, the bottom line is that you cannot force your partner to do anything that they don’t want to do. If they politely let you know that your kink isn’t their kink, then there’s things you can do to work around it. If they blatantly shamed you for it though, BUH-BYE. Okay, okay, maybe you guys can talk it out, but you need to be firm with them and tell them that you won’t let them make you feel bad for enjoying something sexually. However, if your partner isn’t a dick to you and politely declines your invitation to partake in said kink, a good way to close the conversation with them, especially if this is your first time bringing up kinks to them, is saying something along the lines of, “Okay, I understand. Thanks for letting me ask you about it anyway. Is it okay if I bring up other kinks to you in the future?”
As the kink-rejecting partner in this situation, it’s probably a good idea to at least be open to listening to what your partner has to say about their kinks in the future. Even if you’re not into all of their kinks, giving your partner a space to be open and honest and vulnerable with you is one of if not the healthiest thing that you can do with your relationship, whether it’s a romantic one or not. And, who knows? Maybe your partner will end up bringing something new and exciting into the bedroom that you’ll end up enjoying!
“My partner wants to try some things in the bedroom that I’m not sure about. Is there a way that we can come to a compromise?”
Firstly, but potentially something uncomfortable at first, is consensual non-monogamy. This essentially means having an “open” relationship or having a relationship with one person but having sex with others, having multiple relationships; whatever floats your boat. The difference between this and cheating is that everyone is in on it and is okay with it – hence the word “consensual” in consensual non-monogamy. Not a lot of couples partake in this, but it would be a good thing to at least discuss. If one partner is unable to fulfill a certain sexual desire, then the other partner can find it in one of their other partners. Does this work for everyone? No. But it does work for some, so consider giving it a try.
But what about monogamous relationships? Well, there’s always negotiation and compromise. Say Partner 1 is really into bondage, but Partner 2 isn’t so sure how they feel about having their body tied up. First, Partner 1 needs to make sure that Partner 2 is okay with negotiating. If Partner 2 is completely shut off to bondage of any kind, don’t negotiate further. No means no. However, if Partner 2 is up for negotiation, Partner 1 could say something like, “If you don’t want to be completely tied up right away, how about we start small? Could we start with me just handcuffing your hands?” If Partner 2 agrees and decides that they like having their hands cuffed and would be open to trying a bit more bondage in the future, the partners can find a way to slowly built up to Partner 1’s fantasy. If one partner is hesitant about a certain kink, or has never really been very involved in the world of kink at all, you more than likely will have to start slowly with them when it comes to introducing them to your kinks. And that’s okay! As long as everyone involved feels safe, and no one feels ashamed of their kinks or lack thereof. If your partner doesn’t want to dive in to elaborate BDSM scenes right off the bad (which they very well may not), starting small and building up is a great compromise; ask your partner what they’d prefer to do instead and find a happy medium where everyone is sexually satisfied in the end.
If your partner, your friends, or anyone else in your life that you decide to discuss your kinks with shames you about them, you need to be upfront with them and tell them that this hurts your feelings. If they for whatever reason can’t not kink shame you, they’re definitely not someone that you should be having sex with. There are plenty of healthy ways to discuss and communicate about your kinks with your partner, and I hope that what I’ve presented will help some of you on your kinky adventures in the future!
I love you all and stay safe.
