Ghosts Together
A Jemily fic.
Summary:
The team goes home for the weekend. JJ doesn't let Emily leave without talking about what almost happened...and everything that almost happened before. "Meet you in Paris. Haunt the streets with you. Ghosts together."
Emily is pacing in the front of the BAU conference room, where the whole team is crammed in. Coffees are strewn about the table and case files are being put into boxes to be stored. She feels a slight headache coming on, probably the confluence of a month of late nights, poor hydration, and a nightcap with Rossi the evening prior. She has not been sleeping well. She clears her throat to get the room’s attention.
“One last thing before you go. I want to commend everyone on this team for their work the last four years. I feel like this last week has been a whole lifetime unto itself…but Crowley is gone, we got Voit back, his family is safe…we’ve accomplished a lot. Everyone deserves a rest. I can’t promise you that the serial killers will take some time off, but I can promise you the weekend at least. Director’s orders.” Emily folds her arms in front of her and gives a satisfied smile to the team.
“Have you heard anything from Brian? Is he recovering?” Penelope asks.
Emily’s brain immediately flashes to Brian lying unresponsive and flat on his back in the church, Emily trying to get his heart to work again. “I Will Survive” starts ringing in her ears. She reflexively flinches.
“Oh god, Brian. Yeah,” Emily half chuckles while running a hand through her hair. “He checked in. He’s fine. I warned him to never go near a microphone again.”
Emily is grateful most of the team is focused on files and coffee while they listen, and her reply gets a laugh from most of the room.
Her eyes land on JJ in the corner, packing her bag, observing Emily with a flat expression. Emily knows she’s being profiled and that she’s not getting out of this room without a conversation.
The team starts filtering out, pats on the back, promises of brunch over the weekend, and the general mumbling of a group of agents at ease is calming.
“Thanks, Chief. Well done,” Rossi says warmly as he nods at Emily.
“Dave, go home and open that good bottle, will you?”
“You read my mind. I’d invite you, but to be honest, I don’t want to speak to anyone until Monday.”
“Completely understood,” Emily replies. “Thanks again, Dave.”
Rossi trails the rest of the team out the door and Emily finds herself very focused on the cable she is wrapping while she packs up her laptop. She doesn’t need to look up, she knows JJ is still there. She knows JJ will remain there until they talk about it. She gets one more beat of silence until she hears JJ zip up her bag. Suddenly JJ’s at her side.
“Sooooo….Em.” A pause.
“Yes, JJ?” Emily knows exactly where this is going, but she’s trying to delay the inevitable. Talking about her feelings usually gives her a headache, and she’s already got a pounding head.
In her peripheral vision she sees JJ hold out something. Emily reaches her palm out and JJ places four ibuprofen into her hand. Emily just stares at them with a bemused look. Always. Always JJ and the precise right thing at the exact right time.
“Take them with your coffee, it’ll kick in faster.” JJ perches on the table and watches Emily swallow the pills with a swig of caffeine.
“I swear, Jayje, I feel better already. Thanks.”
“Yeah, well…I think you need a little more than ibuprofen to work through this.”
“What do you mean?”
“Em.”
“Jennifer.”
“You wanna talk about it?” JJ gingerly places her hand on Emily’s upper arm. Emily’s body immediately relaxes while her brain is scrambling for a smart answer. The touch and the question. Grounding, never patronizing.
“I um…I mean…” Emily cannot come up with a deflection that she knows will be acceptable to the woman in front of her. “It’s just…fuck it. JJ, I replay that scene constantly. I can’t get Brian’s stupid face out of my head. He’s basically GRAY. Dave is just there…LOOKING. Penelope is crying. I’m straddling the guy and slamming him in the chest. I’M crying, and that stupid fucking song.”
Emily feels JJ’s grip tighten on her arm.
“Em, he’s ok. Brian is going to be fine.”
“I know. I can’t shake it, though. He almost died.” To her horror Emily feels a tear run down her cheek and she brushes it away immediately. There’s a seemingly endless moment of silence.
“You almost died too.” JJ’s voice is small and distant, like she’s working through this thought process right alongside Emily.
The words hit Emily hard and right in the middle of her chest. The train that she could see coming toward her ever since those tense moments in the church has just slammed into her. Of course. JJ was the conductor.
Tears are now pouring down Emily’s face, the relief of the release overcoming her, and followed by gratitude that JJ was right there, holding on to her.
“I did. I was basically dead, JJ. I remember that moment when Doyle had me. I felt this ripping heat through my stomach and I thought it…it felt like my life-force being pulled out of me. I’d never felt so alone and empty. I saw Brian and…no one should go through that at the hands of someone like Doyle or Crowley. It’s too cruel.”
JJ says nothing while her hand runs slowly up and down Emily’s arm.
“I might as well have been dead. I was alone. I couldn’t be here. I couldn’t even…talk to you. Jayje, knowing you KNEW I was alive was almost crueler.”
“I know, Em.” At this, JJ’s composure breaks, tears streaming down, mascara now running. She pulls Emily into a long hug. “I’m so, so sorry.”
Emily lingers in the embrace and says nothing. She can sense JJ is working up to something else. Silence has been the useful accelerator in their relationship for all these years. Both of them knowing when to just let the words work themselves out at their own pace.
JJ’s forehead lands on Emily’s shoulder for a solid minute, Emily’s hand now rubbing comforting circles on her back.
“I wanted to die, too,” JJ whispers into Emily’s shoulder.
“What?”
JJ lifts her head and looks at Emily.
“I…didn’t want to DIE, but I wanted to…be dead. Like you. Meet you in Paris. Haunt the streets with you. Ghosts together. It killed me, Emily.”
“Oh, Jayje.”
“I know we haven’t really talked about all that…we were on different paths and it felt like every single time our lives might come back together somehow, some stupid fucking bomb would drop. Afghanistan. Paris. Just…no amount of planning or wishing could make me find a way to you.”
Emily stands very still, twenty years of missed chances and consequences barreling into her. Her chest feels like it is on fire.
“And now that we…we’re finding our way to each other. These past few months, Emily. Sometimes I can’t even believe it’s real. That I call you and you just…come over. That I can hold you while you sleep. It’s like a dream.”
“JJ, I know I have never said it out loud. Maybe I thought I could get by with it being implied, but...we’ve learned life is too unpredictable not to say things out loud. You’ve been my North Star all along. The reason I survived Paris. The one I saw when I went to sleep every night. The reason I came back and stayed. I want to stay.”
“I need you to stay, Emily.”
“But we are still fighting our nightmares, Jayje.”
“We are.”
“I…I’m glad I’m not alone this time. Thank you for reminding me.”
“I think if twenty years have taught us anything…maybe we learn to fight our nightmares by building new dreams on top of them.”
Emily pulls JJ into another hug and kisses the top of her head.
“I think you’re right. Let’s go home?”
“Let’s go home.”