I'm Kristine, 24, from Manila. I'm not a writer, at least not the pen-and-paper type, but when I started this blog I fell in love with writing. And with my life even more.
Pumuputi na ko. Not sure if itās because I donāt go out at all, not even in our yard, or because Iām gaining so much weight. Either way Iām basking on it because I know it wonāt last.
So, things have been.... God, I donāt know anymore. My mind is a fucking mess right now.
For one, I met someone online who Iāve been having amazing conversations with - sometimes light and sometimes very deep, very sensible. But I donāt get to appreciate this wonderful thing because of my momās declining health.
Which brings me to the other reason why Iāve been feeling so lutang.
My momās condition isnāt getting any better. And while I know itās something I shouldāve already expected, living it down is so fuckin hard. Sheās in so much pain everyday and it breaks my heart that I, or anyone of us really, canāt do anything to help her feel better, even if just a little. I have, however, done something I know I shouldāve done before - when she wasnāt feeling as much pain as she does now.
Just a couple hours ago I made the unbelievably hard decision to let her go. I told her that she can go if sheās already tired. That she can stop worrying about us because weāre good, weāll be fine. She told me that she does want to go and that all she wants is for us, her kids, to love each other and be there for each other. Itās crazy how I tried to compose myself as much as I could but still cried when she said those words. Now, sheās sleeping but I know sheās still in pain and in a very restless state because of all the grunting sheās making. I honestly donāt know if letting her go would help her feel at ease but I really hope it does. Because sheās been through so much already, even before she was hit with this illness, and deserves a good rest now.
My momās condition has hit all of us hard. But I think the person being affected the most is my dad.
It pains me to see him just as helpless as we are. I know how much he wants to help my mom in whatever way he can but for some reason, my mom is so irritated by him. I donāt if itās just because nakukulitan siya kay papa or thereās a deeper meaning to why sheās acting this way towards him. Either way, it hurts to see it unfold right in front of me. And it doesnāt help that my fatherās eyesight is also worsening. Seeing him stumble, drop things, or not be able to do some of the most simple of chores is heart wrenching. I have great animosity towards my dad for all the stress heās put on our family, but I love him just as much as I love my ill mother.
And seeing both of them suffer and knowing thereās only so much I can do to help them, is the most heartbreaking thing I have ever felt.
I want to be hopeful for the future. But how can I when I canāt even see a silver lining from where Iām currently standing?
I havenāt been out of the house in 24 days. And not because I want to but because of a deadly virus thatās been spreading around the entire world.
Yep. I am living in an era of a pandemic.
Never dreamed this would happen in my lifetime but here we fucking are.
So yeah, I guess itās time to catch up.
Aside from this fucking virus wreaking havoc everywhere and threatening the lives of everyone, Iām dealing with a much more pressing issue at hand.
So, almost a year ago my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. Her condition progressed slowly until last month when she suddenly lost interest in one of the things she loves doing most: playing mobile games.
I thought she was just sick of all her old games. Then I started noticing even more changes. First there was her eyes constantly shut. Then the reduced amount of her pee and poo, actually I think she hasnāt pooed in almost a month now. She also sleeps more often. Her color has also turned yellowish and her skin has become dry, scaly even. Sheās also lost her appetite and doesnāt drink much water now, too.Ā
Then came the pain. First it was just on the left side of her torso. Then her feet became swollen and started to hurt as well. Now, sheās also suffering from back pain.
Add to that the restless and sleepless nights.
So much has changed in a month. The stupid cancer cells have probably had enough of killing my dear mom slowly.
And being the stupid-ass girl that I am, I started researching for the different signs of dying. And sure enough all the changes I see in my mom are in most of the articles Iāve read in this topic. I even asked my friend whoās mother-in-law died of the same disease and sure enough, she went through the same thing my momās going through.
I donāt know if I researched to prepare myself or because thatās just the kind of person that I am. Either way, itās not gonna help my mom and Iām not sure it will help me ready myself for the inevitable.
Honestly, all I wish right now is to turn back time and convince my mother to get the right treatment for her illness. If only I could tell how much pain she will have to go through if she doesnāt undergo chemotherapy as soon as possible. Maybe she wonāt have to suffer as much as she does now.
I donāt want my mom to go yet. But the more I see how much pain sheās trying to endure, the more I realize that wanting her to stay at the condition sheās in is very fucking selfish. And I wish that the people who are not here and wants her to wait for them once the lockdown is lifted, realize as much. Because itās not fair for my mother -- who has endured so much already aside from the pain sheās currently suffering -- to go through this hell just for a bunch of people whoās probably not worth it, honestly.
My mother is so fucking selfless so Iām sure sheās gonna put a fucking fight just to wait for the people dear to her heart. But I kinda wish sheād be selfish just this once. And let go.
And no matter how far I reach inside my system, I can't find her.
She's taken everything with her. My ability to see, hear, speak, eat, sleep, genuinely laugh and smile, be curious and adventurous. She's taken my ability to feel. To live.
All she's left behind is this emptiness.
This darkness.
This loneliness.
I don't know how people survive this nothingness. Or where they get their reasons to move forward every agonising day.
Do I have as much courage? As much motivation? As much will?
Around this same time last year, was my first episode.
I donāt know what else to call it as I am not very educated with these kinds of things.
To describe it would be too hard because I myself do not completely understand why it happensā¦ what triggers it.
But because writing about how it feels would, I think, help me with the realization of it then that is what I am going to do.
During my first few episodes, I used to have a reason. I knew exactly why what was happening, happened. At least then, I do not feel at a loss. Then, it was easier to put blame on something that was making me feel that way.
But now.
Now it is different.
A thought enters my mind.
Then another, conflicting with the first.
Then a third, making everything chaotic.
Then another and another and another.
And everything inside was just a mess.
A big mess.
A mess I want to get out of but canāt because I am inside itā¦ or it is inside me. I donāt know.
Then a tear falls down my face.
Then another.
And another.
Then I shout for someone to help me.
Help me get out of this mess that I created.
Unknowingly or unconsciously, I do not really know the difference.
Someone comes, usually my mom as she makes everything better.
She asks me whatās wrong but because I do not have an answer I began to wail even louder.
Like someone died.
Like I died.
Like I was dying.
I remember wanting to just vanish whenever this happens.
I tell my mother, over and over and over, that Iām tired and I just donāt want to anymore.
Donāt want to deal with the pain.
With the fact that so long as Iām alive this would keep happening.
And I hate it.
I donāt know how long these episodes last. 10 minutes, maybe 30.
But to me, it feels like another lifetime has passed before I compose myself.
That was a lie.
I donāt compose myself.
I donāt know how to.
I just get tired of crying and wailing and thinking.
So I stop.
And for a while even my ability to feel stops.
I feel empty inside.
My outsides are like machines that I donāt really care about.
I am breathing and I know Iām alive.
But I feel dead inside.
And during these moments I just want to stop existing.
June was such a frakking (got this word fromĀ The Museum of Heartbreak by Meg Leder which was a rather short but awesome read) month! I canāt even begin to give an intro about it because I seriously donāt know where to start? Do I share the happy moments first then the sad/conflicting ones?Ā Yea, I should totally do this post that way.
(with my friends Soc and Adrielle)
(me with Harvey and Arvin)
(again with Adrielle and Arvin)
This month gave me so much opportunity to spend time with some of my best and awesome friends from high school. College became this bitch of a barrier, with all its school works and conflicting schedules, hindering us to just chill the way we used to. But it was nice catching up to them! Really nice and refreshing and just totally amazing. Also! Iāve known these people for most of my life! SoĀ just the fact that weāre still good friends makes my heart swell with happiness and love.
I lost something this month which, I realize, Iāve taken for granted.
My love and passion for writing.
It probably sounds crazy, trust me I thought the same thing, but apparently things like this happen.
For as long as I can remember (and I swear Iām not bragging or anything), Iāve tried my damnest to think about the consequences of my actions. Specially, to others. I made sure that everything I do and say would not hurt anybody. And as much as I think thatās something to be proud of, that same attitude made me neglect my own feelings. I want to be selfish, and yea sure sometimes I am, but for the most part I just canāt be. MyĀ āselflessnessā and the fact that I cared far too much about what other people might say, made it a lot harder for me to do what I want.
So while I was considering what it is I want (which is becoming a barista) and what the people around me want for me (which is anything related to my course), I completely forgot what Iām good at and that whichāI now knowāwould make me happiest (Iām referring to writing in this one in case you havenāt figured that out). I got caught in the middle of this hurricane that is confusion that was made by these looming decisions Iām far too afraid to do. I got scared of making the wrong one or that my loved ones wouldnāt support whatever decision I make that I know would ultimately make me happy. Or at least at the time, I thoughtĀ it would make me damn happy.
Iām glad Iām wrong, really. And that my mind is now cleared with this stupid fog of confusion. And honestly, Iām thankful that what happened, happened now and not later in life because I think that would really screw me then. At least this early on, I was made to realize of what I can do and be confident with my talents.
ā
If thereās really anything I learned from what happened this month, itās not that I just need to trust in myself or do what I want to do without thinking what other people thinkāalthough I swear Iād be working on those. But also, Iām now learning how frakking hard it is to adult. So many decisions to make and none of which Iām sure would yield the best results. The only consolation Iād get with this uglyābut really beautifulāfact is that Iām going through this phase with my friends and a million other people out there. The idea that Iām not alone in this, and that thereās probably someone out there whoās going through a similar experience, makes me feel like this is actually normal. And that I can do it.
Yes, itās a day shy from the month of July and Iām only now posting my May shenanigans. Well, Iāve been busy. Sort of... Of course, thatās not true but I was distracted. And by that I meant I was drowning in my own effinā laziness. What can I say? It happens to the best of us!
ANYHOW! May was A-mazing!
(Sizzumās bf, Sizzum, Mudra, and Me)
First things first, the girls went to Manila Ocean Park to see some fishies! As well as other animals and even insects. It was our first time there and we all had loads of fun, albeit being dead tired at the end. Itās not everyday the child in us comes out, so we seized the day and made sure we see and experience all that we can. We even went on some of the attractions twice because my sisterās boyfriend joined us later in the day, so naturally we had to come with them so he sees everything that weāve seen already.
On our second time inside (not really inside-inside but sort of inside) the Oceanarium, me and my mom decided to look for a place where we could sit and wait for my sister and her boyfriend while they watch every kind of aquatic animal swim. While I was sitting there surrounded by three big aquariums, one of them houses medium sized sharks, it happened...
A realization ā I know I shouldāve had before but didnāt because I donāt often go to these kinds of places and if Iām ever in one I tend to forget and lose myself because all I want is to satiate my own curiosity and fulfillment ā clicked inside my head. It wasnāt right. To have every kind of animal and insect to be held captive inside small cages for the amusement and monetary benefit of people. They have their own place in this world and itās not inside a tank which is not even a tenth as big as their natural habitat. It is our job to make sure that their homes are taken care of and not build small, fake ones just so they can ālive more comfortablyā andĀ ābe protectedā. Utter BS.
I used to think Iām only a kid and I donāt have the means to help stop these kinds of atrocities. But Iām older now so Iām going to find a way, because I know there is one, and once I do Iām going to actively participate in eliminating such cruelty.
If thereās one good thing I did get from this, aside from quality time with my family (or some of my family anyway), are good pictures (which I took without the flash enabled because Iām a good girl and I obey the rules, plus I donāt want to cause the animals anymore stress).
On the 27th, I went to see Youtube FanFest for the second consecutive time (I donāt think thatās even right but idrc) with two of my college buddies. And to say I had fun was the biggest understatement of the year.Ā
First of all, we had meet and greet passes ā itās really a wristband but whatever ā and weāre able to meet ALL the Youtubers. THAT WAS CRAZY! I mean, sure I wasnāt able to meet all of them because of the long lines, but I still managed to meet a couple of them and that was pretty amazing.
(me with Tyler Ward, Tanner Patrick, Wengie, my friend G and Lloyd Cafe Cadena and Bogart the Explorer)
Then I met HIM. The reason I was there in the first place.
I met Connor Franta. TheĀ Connor Franta.
Itās evident in this photo how happy I was. I was almost in tears even! Itās such a surreal moment because I see him only on the other side of the screen of my phone or computer and then to see him in the flesh... OH MY GOD. I remember not knowing what to say, then it came to me that my birthday was literally two days after that. So I told him and said that meeting him was the best birthday gift (which wasnāt a lie I swear) and he smiled and wished me a happy birthday. God, until now I still canāt believe that happened. CUH-RAY-ZAY.
After the meet in greet was the live show and that was even more epic. I even saw some local Youtubers like Janina Vela and Wil Dasovich before the show! What a treat! And because Iām almost 21 then, I was able to see the show from start to finish. That and the fact that I have a ride so my mom wasnāt so worried.
(Kai, Andrea, G, and Me)
All those good, crazy, amazing things plus meeting new friends made everything perfect. Iām not very sociable, these kinds of gatherings make me nervous to no end so just being able to conquer that is such a big thing to me. One point for me, I guess!
Then on the 29th of May I celebrated my 21st name day (Iāve been reading Game of Thrones). I have to say, it was the chillest celebration Iāve ever had. Just me with my family, watching Jurassic World and Olympus has Fallen on the confines our sweet, little living room, eating spicy tuna spaghetti. I could not have asked for more.
ā
May really is my month. Always have, always will be.
June, on the other hand, is an entirely different story. A month that turned me inside out. But Iāll just let the next post do the talking.Ā
So, April happened (and it took me half of May to figure that out! Ha!) It started slowly and ended with a bang. Howād I say so? Simply because I graduated! Finally! After 4 years of going through the motion of waking up early, being forced to eat breakfast (nothing violent, itās just that my parents insisted, what with it being the most important meal of the day), taking a cold - but mostly warm shower, heading my way to school, seeing my friends and classmates, doing some boring/difficult/sometimes interesting school works, going back home, sleeping late because of homeworks/studies (though really Iām just in front of the computer scrolling through all my social media accounts), and back againā¦ Iāve finished. I am actually done with school.
(photos taken before and during the ceremony)
On the way to PICC, where it all ended, I was unbelievably nervous. Which was crazy, now that I think about it as I didnāt even make a speech. I just literally went up the stage, took my dummy diploma, and went back down to return to my seat. Didnāt even took me half a minute to do all that! But I was nervous af and it was kinda nice to know that all my friends feel the exact same thing.
(celebratory dinner at La Mesa Griil)
This was one amazing night. Still is, actually. I canāt remember the last time we had dinner outside as a complete family. Iām sure I was still very little when it happened and Iām glad to be the reason why it happened again! This was actually on the verge of not happening as thereād be no one to take care of my Nan if we would all go. Good thing everything worked out! Side note, I saw one of my friends as she and her family were about to leave the same restaurant! What are the chances of that!
The only thing that didnāt go as planned, well I didnāt plan it really, was a photo op while I was still wearing my toga. My mom made me wear it @ dinner but it was too hot and so I begged her to let me get it off. So just before I returned it, we took a picture without much care as to how we look.Ā
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A couple of things have already happened in May but thatās for another post. Iām having quite the time of my life right now, just chilling and taking a break from it all. College (well, at least the very last parts of me) took such a toll on me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Now all I want, as what my family wants for me as well, is to recuperate. And thatās exactly what Iām doing! Though I post rather late, I have no regrets.
So yea, I was accepted and they gave me a task that I can actually do and which is related to what I study. I was to write 10 articles in the course of 10 weeks and write other content for some of their websites. I remember thinking āI can do thisā, āThis is what Iām good atā, and āI can do more than 10 but since your not asking, who am I to offer?ā. They also asked me to research some stuff which included young bloggers who I was to contact, befriend, and ask (without actually asking) to have Pickldās blogĀ be featured on one of their blog posts. When I heard this, my confidence dwindled. I knew for sure I wouldnāt be able to do it. But I still tried. At the end though, I got one reply from each of the bloggers I contacted and that was it. They got my hopes up only to crush them into pieces. Talk about life.
It was a good 3 months. Well, just 200 hours really. I learned so much from the experience and from the amazing people I spent my internship with. Iāll miss everything. Without a doubt.
The morning commute.
Having to wait for them before we can get lunch.
Walking to the lunch place.
The actual lunch.
The meetings that Iām not usually part of.
And those where I am. (I swear I donāt usually look this unamused every meeting.)
Taking stolen pictures.
Chilling/sleeping on the sofa/meeting area.
Taking stolen pics after sleeping on the meeting area. (To be fair! Iāve only slept thrice - twice on the sofa and once on my desk - andĀ that was because I was very tired! I still had school okay?! Besides, they were all cool with it... I think.)
The office.
And most definitely. The amazing people.
I know theyāll miss me, too. For sure.
I honestly never thought Iād be able to accomplish that 200 hours. Not because I think it was too long but because Iāve so much more going on at school. Multiple times Iād be at Pickld HQ and still be worried about school and vice versa. It was a crazy time. Crazy.
But fun. I had lots of fun! And Iāve learned a lot, too. Like the fact that working with the male species turned out to be just full of laughter and jokes and banter. And that I love writing. More than I thought I already do. And that itās the one thing I wouldnāt want other people to pay me to do but something that I want only for myself. Call me selfish but I just donāt want to go through the stressful act of waiting for someone to approve something I wrote. Donāt get me wrong, I love and enjoyed what I did for Pickld. Itās just that I donāt think itās something that I actually wanna do in the future as a job. Or maybe I will because Iād be left with no choice but to do anything and everything to get a decent work. But then again Iām not very good at it so... Letās just see.
Those 10 articles I wrote actually changed my perspective on a lot of things and made me learn something vital. As they center on the thought/topic āYou Deserve To Be Youā, I found myself not having much of an opinion about how people act, talk, dress, or just basically live their life, precisely because they deserve to be themselves. As they say,Ā āDo unto others as you would have them do unto youāĀ .Ā I mean, Iād definitely want people to respect how I choose to live mine.
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It was a great 200 hours.
A time I surely wonāt ever exchange for anything else.
Itās the time I was lucky enough to meet new friends who helped me know more about myself, helped me grow, and made me realize what I want in life.Ā
March. This month has been stressful to say the least, but it also was a lot of fun and full of memories.
Me and my college buddies decided to start the month in the most ridiculous way possible. And by that I mean, we rode the PNR to go to Tutuban WHICH WAS CRAZY BECAUSE THEREāS TONS OF JEEPNEYS JUST A COUPLE OF STEPS OUTSIDE OUR UNIVERSITY THAT WILL TAKE US THERE IN NO TIME. NO TIME AT ALL. But because they feel like trying something new, they decided to just go do it. AND YES I WAS WITH THEM. I didnāt want to and just the thought of it shook me with fear and made my heart bounce out of my chest! It didnāt really do that obviously, but thatās just how it felt like at the moment.
So there we were at the ticket booth paying for our tickets, as you do, when we found out TOO LATE that weād have to wait an hour for the train to arrive. By that time I was thinking I had an hour to take courage from these friends of mine and just go do it. Itās not like I have a choice anyway as Iāve already bought my ticket as well. The other part of me, the sane one, was telling me to just screw that 10 pesos, think of it as a gift to the people maintaining (if it was being maintained that is) the PNR and just ride the jeepney instead. But I was broke at the time (still am) and I just canāt afford to not take what my money has cost me. So I decided, halfheartedly, to ride that awful train with them.
As the train was coming, I heard the fast and loud beat of my heart more than the sound of the transport. I was that scared. My friends, were trying to reassure me that everything was going to be okay and that I neednāt worry too much. That the train wonāt be packed, the way I see it every single morning, and that I would be able to breathe. They promised.
I stepped into the train, had to fight my way in because of the many people wrestling their way out, and found that it wasnāt packed as my friends said. Turned out we had enough luck as the part of the train we were at had a well-functioning fan that was the only thing that allowed me to breathe as normally as possible. But once the train started to run, it became clear on our faces, that we are on a TRAIN-RIDE FROM HELL. Up until now I still donāt understand why it felt like there was an earthquake or as if the tracks were not flat when they were. Also, why is that train still being used? ITāS DANGEROUS FOR F***āS SAKE!
Then we found out that two of our friends werenāt able to ride the train because there were just so many people getting out and since male passengers are separated from the females, we werenāt able to know this ahead of time. Whatās worse than that is the fact that they have our tickets. We were damn screwed, we were sure of it. When we reached our destination we had to pay a fine, which isnāt that expensive just the same amount of the fare, but two of my friends decided they wouldnāt go down without a fight. Granted they have a point and a right, I thought it wasnāt worth it and so I just go far away from them as possible and calm my nerves instead.
After that small commotion, we met up with our friends who didnāt make the train ride and then just ate pizza. Because pizza is the best medicine for literally everything.
(whyād I even blur this pic when it can be clearly seen that itās a BLD?! ffs)
On the 7th day of the month, I found my graduation dress on H&M. I wasnāt properly looking for one as I know how early it still was and there are still a lot of things that needed to be done and much more that could happen (a taste of my cynicism right there. ha!). But I was with my friends that day, who were actually looking for one, and when they decided theyād see what H&M has to offer I just went with them as I donāt wanna go home yet. Wrong move. Or not.Ā So we went in, I tried this one dress, and then I fell in love with it. But it didnāt have my size. So I had to reluctantly let it go, all the while thinking that this is the kind of dress Iām gonna look for and wear.
The next day we went to Trinoma as one of our friends said there are a lot of dresses there to choose from. And there were! But there's just too many and it turned out to be too overwhelming, dizzying, and exhausting. So we went to SM North instead. Me still just canvasing, my other friend actually looking for a dress. We searched at the department store, tried different dress but still nothing.
The friend of mine, the one actually looking, decided to go to Celine and see if thereās anything there that sheāll like. And she did! Granted her size was on another branch but still! Lucky girl. Then my amazing besties decided to help me find my dress on that branch of H&M. The six of us looked everywhere and lo and behold it was there! With my size on it too! I tried it on and with their approval, I bought it. Unfortunately, I didnāt have the money. So did I steal it? F*** NO! A friend of mine lent me money. And so I bought it with a smile on my face and also thanking for the good friends that I have.
(my college friend, Cheng, having her makeup done for her shoot)
We had our graduation picture taken! It was lotās of fun but a bit scary for me, as everything seems to be for me nowadays. And did make everything final, as if allās gonna end soon. And I guess it is, maybe Iām just not yet ready. No scrap that. I am ready. I canāt wait to finally be out of school! But working, I can totally wait a long time for that one.
After a week I got an unedited copy of my picture and this is what it looks like. As I said it was unedited so I had to blur it as I wasnāt very confident/comfortable posting it. Iāll just post the finish product right after I got it. Promise!
(L to R, from above: Jomar, me, Mc, Ghie, Jean, Reyn, Ronnel, Cheng, Nino, Gianna)
And this is one of the group pics with my friends. God, i love these people!
(San Sebastian Church)
This yearās Holy Week landed on this month as well and as part of a tradition, me and my mom took part in Visita Iglesia which happens every Maundy Thursday. Basically we just went to different churches to pray. And oneof Ā the places we went to is San Sebastian Church. I think itās only been the third time Iāve been there but the awe I felt was the same as the first time I saw it. I mean, look at it (the photo above)! It makes you feel like youāre in Europe! Itās just exquisite. Beautiful. It makes me wanna go to Europe. Now.
Speaking of Europe, me and my friend Gianna went to Venice on the last day of the month. And by Venice I mean the little one at Taguig. It was pretty charming but not quite exciting as the whole place is not yet fully operating, only a few of the many shops and restaurants are open and the rest are still being built. But Iām sure itāll have a close vibe to the original once everythingās in place. But then again, how would I know? Iāve never been to the actual Venice, Italy!
(me and Gianna)
Then we head to Burgos Circle to get the Instax she ordered and have a bit of fun with it! The photo above is the first picture taken. Quite lovely aināt it!
And then hereās me with the grand Leaning Tower. Really, Iām just prepping for the real one. Ha!
It was just nice to chill and have a little (or tons of) laugh with a friend who knows how freeing the past 2 weeks have been especially after a maddeningly crazy semester. Or college life really!
Ā
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So that was March for me. It was loads of fun but very stressful af. But schoolās officially over now, as all my grades have now been completed. Just a couple more things and Iād be graduating. For realz. Itās scary, not gonna lie. Sometimes I think about the unknown future and I just wanna vomit because of this gaping uncertainty. But then again thatās just life. I canāt know everything that my future holds for me because it would most definitely take the surprise away from my life and Iād see no purpose, I guess.
Itās been a rough ride, more like that in the PNR situation, but itās rewarding just like every journey. It is going to be rewarding. Iāll just keep my faith in that and maybe, hopefully, itāll actually be.
Something sad happened last month and as much as I donāt wanna say much about it, it does affect me in ways I didnāt think it would. So I thought Iād write a short post about what it made me feel...
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I canāt be the only one
who thinks about life
who thinks about death
who thinks how hard it is to live
I know Iām not the only one
who wonders about all
that has happened and will happen
and know I donāt have any control
Itās hard this life
it truly is
but the more I realize
the more I also see
That there are people
who love and care for me
who think I deserve all that I can have
whoās never given up on me
So I wonāt give up on Ā me
or at least Iāll try
because even if sometimes thereās nothing worthy for me to see
thereās something about the mysteriousĀ āwhat could beā that gives life more meaning for me
There's less than an hour left of February and I have to say that it has left too much imprint on my life. Some of which put a huge smile on my face and others which broke my heart into tiny little pieces.
(left to right: Dandrene, Socrates, and me)
On the 5th of Feb, I saw my dear friend Socrates again after more than a year. It was crazy because I was so used to seeing him only on special occasions and on a few holidays for we have stupid schedules and are studying in different schools. It was understandable and tolerable though, as I know that nothing will ever change in our friendship. The fact that we live in the same country - and city - adds to the feeling of ease.
But last August, he was chosen as one of the exchange students going to Malaysia, and there he lived for 5 months. I remember the excitement I felt when I heard the news mixed with the feeling of pride for him, one of my awesome childhood friends. Part of me also thought that him being there would mean that we'd get to communicate even less than when he was here. But I was wrong! If anything, we found time to message each other from time to time just to catch up and say how much we miss one another. Also, I never thought I'd be saying this, BUT... Snapchat was one - if not the sole - thing that kept us closer.
Seriously though, what can't technology do anymore?!
(me, my friends, and my sisters)
Speaking of Snapchat... It's one of the apps I am currently obsessed with!
I used to think it was a waste of time posting pictures and videos that only last for 24 hours and will be gone forever. Plus, I'm not like those people who are fond of taking selfies (don't want this to turn deep and lonely but I feel like I had to) as my face is one big insecurity of mine (I've said it, not gonna elaborate). But when another friend of mine who lives abroad told me that he's "always" in Snapchat (meaning he posts one or twice a week, i mean wth?) and I should download it so we could catch up more, I gave it a try.
At first it was confusing af but when I got the hang of it, I wouldn't let a day pass without posting a snap (except when I'm feeling very poorly, of course). I also get excited to see the snaps of those I follow everyday. Aside from the fact that it's loads of fun, I've also conquered my insecurity of taking selfies and now I just don't give a single f about it. Anyways, people who follow me on it are so used to how I look and wouldn't criticize me for it so I thought 'Wth, if they don't like what they see or get fed up with it they could always unfollow/unfriend me' (still not used to the terms, not sorry).
And recently, with the help of my amazing friends yet again, I've discovered that apparently my phone also has these silly cool filters everyone is so into. Now, most of my snaps have it and I legitly look forward to the available filters everyday. I swear it feels like Christmas to me!!!
(with some of my co-researchers and my professors)
Let's talk about something school related.
So, twice I've posted here about the draining thesis we made end of last year. And guess what?! OUR PAPER WAS ONE OF THE TWO BEST THESES IN OUR CLASS!! YAAAAAAS!!
I remember the shock on our faces when we got the news. It's not that our research was not very good, if anything we put all efforts in that and we are damn proud of it. It's just that we weren't really expecting for it to go that far as we mainly did it to complete our requirements. Because of this though, we were given the opportunity to present it on the annual colloquium of our department. I was one of the presenters (almost had a panic attack as I do) and I thought I was going to mess it up so bad but it went.... okay. Then again I had a cheat sheet. :)
(with some college buddies, other Dabarkads, and Bae)
This month proved to be the best when I, along with some of my college bffs, went to Broadway (not Broadway-Broadway obvi) and watched Eat Bulaga live!!
YES.Ā I SAW RICHARD FAULKERSON JR. AKA ALDEN RICHARDS IN THE FLESH!!!
I still can't believe it. It's all so surreal. He looked like a freaking angel sent from above. It's crazy how someone can exude so much goodness, not to mention hotness. I know that he never looked at me then but whenever he would glance at our side of the audience, I can't help but shout my approval of his sexiness.
I also saw some of the other Dabarkads, including Vic Sotto aka Bossing who is so mother effinā handsome. Such a shame that Maine Mendoza aka Yaya Dub wasn't there. But it was still definitely an experience that I will never ever forget.
I do hope I get to go back and see, hopefully even meet, Aldub. <3
My February was quite amazing and the things I mentioned are the highlights that brought happiness to my heart. It was indeed the love month, not because I was out and about with my non-existent other half, but because I realized that I am capable of loving the act of trying and experiencing new things that would have made me cower in fear if presented with the idea, years or just months back.
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I did say at the beginning of this post however, that there are events that tore my heart but I deem it not appropriate to put it here as it is a very lonely and lengthy topic. So onto the next...
SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED between my last post and this update. The term āOh My Godā canāt even cover half of it.
For starters, itās 2016! Yay for another year! Itās been 25 days but itās clear Iām not completely over last year as I keep writing 2015 on my test papers (yep! youāre not alone. hereās to 3 months of this!). But then again how could I forget it when it ended oh, so wellā¦
On December 15, we celebrated my cousinās wedding. It was such a big deal especially to me and my siblings because heās our only cousin from my motherās side of the family. Weāve practically lived on the same roof our whole lives and just the thought of him leaving is both upsetting and exciting at the same time. I mean, I know Iām not the only one whoās pumped to see my little nieces and nephews soon!
That big occasion meant that my aunt and uncle had to go home from South Africa. We havenāt seen each other in 3 years and it was really nice catching up and bonding with them for a month.
The photo above of me, my cousin, and his parents was taken in Cloud 9, a restaurant that overlooks the entirety of Manila. You can choose to go to the observatory deck through a long flight of stairs or a very steep hanging bridge. I first tried the former with my aunt and the latter with my cousin and uncle. AND I HAVE TO SAY. I am so damn proud I didnāt have a panic attack because I wouldāve died if I did at the middle of crossing that bridge.
On the 22nd, me and my high school buddies had our annual Christmas dinner. It was so much fun as it was the only time of the year that we can all actually get together. Well, not really ALL as 2 of our friends are abroad. Hopefully, this year though weād be complete.
The day after Christmas we went to Wawa Dam in Rodriguez Rizal. Itās a serene landscape thatās part man-made and part natural. I remember finding myself quiet multiple times as I was struck by the sheer beauty and simplicity of the place. Itās one of those spots where you know youād go back, even alone, just to think. And I would gladly do just that.
On the 2nd day of 2016, me and some high school friends went mountain climbing on Tanay, Rizal. IT WAS THE MOST INTENSE THING I HAVE DONE YET. First thing, just going there we had to pay loads - and I mean LOADS - of fees. It was crazy because it literally felt like we have to pay every time we move.
Then while we were on our way to the mountain, the bridge we had to cross broke and was getting fixed. By hand. I still canāt believe we crossed a bridge made of wood above a raging river. I swear I thought I was going to die.
Just when we thought things wonāt get any worse, while we were climbing the steep side of the mountain, it started to rain. I donāt know why none of us decided to look into the weather of the place but nobody did and so we suffered. In the end, we decided to stop at the middle of our climb and proceed to our next destination which was a cave.Ā
The realization that our way down would be a lot harder and dangerous made me feel scared and sick af. All my energy dwindled and my every step felt like a burden. I still went on because I either move forward or get left behind. And thatās really not much of a choice. We slipped, we fell but because of our trusty tour guide we were able to get to the cave safely and with very few scratches.Ā
Iād say that the cave was quite rewarding after everything weāve been through just to get there but then the feeling of happiness vanished when I remembered that I had to cross the rickety bridge and a set of muddy wooden stairs again. By this time the attention of kuya, our guide, was all on me as all my steps arenāt stable anymore and one wrong move Iād fall.
All in all it was really an experience. Something that I donāt think Iād be doing again soon because I can still remember how freaking sore my entire body felt after an entire week.Ā
A video posted by Kristine Lucas (@itsmeklu) on Dec 31, 2015 at 1:28am PST
2015 was awesome. I went to various places with my dearest friends and Iāve learned a lot from those experiences. Of course, it wasnāt all fun and adventure. Iād say it was one challenging year and to be able to get out of it alive is one effing accomplishment.
The last few days before welcoming 2016, I remember feeling apprehensive with the coming year. I didnāt feel like there was anything to look forward to. But I was proved wrong. And Iād tell you all about it on my next post. Cheers!
I was with my friends last night
waiting for the train that would take us home
After a couple of minutes
it arrives
As the door in front of me opens,
I saw someoneās hair.. your hair
The blood drained from my face
my breathing stopped
my heart skipped a beat
and my feet becomes glued to the stationās platform
You move
and I see the full glory of your face
And it wasnāt your face
The world revolves again
but mine didnāt
Together with my hope
it crumbles
On my journey home
I cant help but wonder which is worse
My disappointment when I found out it wasnāt you
or that Iām still hoping to see you even when I shouldnāt
Iāve been quite busy this past couple of weeks because of this thing called thesis. It consumed most of my days and got me tired and stressed af. But itās done now! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Weāre almost done with the paper (just a couple of revisions left), the defense, and passed the subject. So, yeah. Iām pretty thrilled and very grateful for that. I wanna claim that in 3 or 4 months Iāll be graduating but thereās still more to come and do. Pero kapit lang!
Another thing that happened just this week.. the people fromĀ āSugod Bahayā was at our Barangay and was just two blocks away from our house. I received the news quite late so I was not able to go to where they were shooting and also because I have to go to school at the time already. I did however see the commotion in the street where they were at and all the feelings swelling inside of me got me inspired to write this:
Naglalakad ako papalapit sa kanto ng DoƱa Aurora ng biglang may nakita akong dilaw na barikada. Pagdating sa gitna ng kanto akoāy napasalip at doon nga nakita--napakalapit--ang dilaw na gate ng bahay na sinugod. Akoāy napahinto. Napakapit sa dibdib at napangiti. Narealize ko āOMG, IISA LANG KAMI NG LUPANG TINATAPAKAN. IISA LANG KAMI NG MAPOLUSYONG HANGING NILALANGHAP... IM ALIVE.ā At muli akong nagpatuloy sa paglalakad patungo sa hinaharap, nangangarap na baka bukas makita ko na rin ang Aldub.
I canāt remember much of anything worth sharing that happened from the last time I posted. So yeah, Iāll be back when I have something good to tell. BFN!
So I finally went to shool today. And it wasā¦ Meh. On the one hand it was fine, maybe even normal. On the other hand, it was awful af. Fine because the friends whom I was quite scared to see again made things seem ok; we just continued where we left off. Awful because a certain someone made everything awkawrd.
This person is not a new member of the small circle of friends I have in school. In fact, I consider her as my bestfriend. Well, until recently. For me to say that I didnāt know what changed would be a lie. Because I think I know exactly what transpired that resulted to whateverās happening between us. So right now, talking and hanging out with her is not at the top of my list of things-I-really-wanna-do-today. Also, sheās making me want to skip school even more and I hate that this is what our friendship has turned into. I really, really hate it.
I do hope that everything goes back to the way they were though.
I've classes tomorrow so I better sleep. Goodnight!
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