The way I see it @itsmestonesthrown - Tumblr Blog

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I had the absolute craziest, most depressing dream ever. I walk into my old high school auditorium. At first I think its my reunion because a lot of people I went to school with are there. They look like they did back Then though. Then, as I get closer to the stage I realize my family is also there. All of them. Basically every person I've ever known was there. They were all smiling and clapping. It wasn't like they were cheering me on or anything. They were just smiling and clapping. I wasn't nervous or anything it was more of a oh well I have to do this determination. I walked up to the podium. I made the motion for everyone to settle down. I can still hear that haunting sound all the chairs making noise as they sat down. I clear my throat. Here's the depressing part. I only say 2 words. I'm broken

If Donald Trump were in a boy band it would be called Juan Detection.

does anyone else find it ironic that we are now teaching kids that it is okay to meet someone in a parking lot for the purpose of accepting candy out of their trunk? Trunk or treating... I'm not sure that that was really thought out too well. #Halloweenlivesmatter

Ugh. Vegans should have their own state they all have to live in just so the rest of us don't have to constantly hear about their tofu-cking lifestyle. A vegetative state, if you will.

Here's an awkward Mike moment for ya: In my line of work I use a backpack sprayer to apply chemical at least 15 times a day. It holds 4 gallons. It has shoulder straps and a waist harness. I pump up pressure with the lever that comes out from the bottom right of the tank, pointing out perpendicular to the front of my body. If there's enough pressure inside when I push down on it then it will slowly raise the lever back up. You'll need to know this later. I am standing on the front porch of an attractive woman's home. We're discussing her ant issues. Now, let me do her beauty justice by saying that the first time we met I was visibly taken aback when she answered the door. It took me a moment to compose a sentence. She stands 5' 5" tall. Petite frame with curves that would need warning signs if they were on a back road. Wavy dirty blonde hair at shoulder length. Light blue eyes. Pouty lips and a great, warm smile. Yesterday she'd answered the door in her workout clothes. I don't think yoga pants have ever been stretched so tightly and her Nike sports bra top thing was putting in some overtime. The way her glass front door opens out onto the porch doesn't leave much room for one person to stand as it opens, let alone two. I was half facing away from her when she stepped out so it didn't register right away I should've moved down a step. She stepped in close to allow the door to swing shut right as I turned back towards her. We would've been face to face if not for her short stature. Remember the backpack sprayer? Good. Because here's where Awkward Mike made his appearance. As I turn to face her I let go of the lever and it starts to rise from the pressure in the tank. Because I don't know why it decided to get caught in my pants pocket as it raised. It's at just the right angle to appear obscene. I'm standing close enough that my now pants clad lever has just poked my customer in the abdomen. She, not knowing my current predicament, gasped. Not the good kind of pleasantly surprised gasp one might hope for in some fantasy reality. Though it was not the kind of gasp in a horror film either. Just one of pure bewilderment. The one that says "Is what is poking me what I think is what is poking me? No it couldn't be." Well ma'am you are correct it couldn't be. That lever is 18 inches long. If I were 18 inches long I would not be in this line of work. I stepped back after the doors closing gave us room to breathe. She looked down as I tried to remove the lever from my pocket with the fervor of a man who had wordlessly just been accused of poking a stranger with an erection. By the time I was able to free myself and remove the lever the only thing my frazzled brain could think to verbalize was an embarrassed, feeble "Ta-dah" complete with the hand gestures you'd expect to accompany the big reveal of a magic trick. Like "See? Not my penis." Or "See? I'm not a pervert." She was laughing the laugh of relief and I'm sure the absurdity of what'd just happened. This would be the only incidence where a woman laughing at my general crotch-ial region is cause for me to laugh with her. We're both fifty shades of red at this point and I'm dying inside because the odds of these circumstances mashed together could only happen to me and I still can't fathom what level of Karma driven cosmic payback was that? What is it I did that THAT was my comeuppance? As I went around the outside of the house I tried several times to move in a way that might cause the lever to end up in my pocket. Not once could I. So random. But I got a laugh from a beautiful lady so it wasn't all bad. # awkward #didthatreallyjusthappen

un-rare-deactivated20151106

let’s stop seeing sex as the biggest thing you can do to show someone you love them

huntinthedwellin98

everyone knows that the real way to show someone you love them is to find them a really cool rock. not a diamond. just a neat rock that you think they will enjoy

un-rare-deactivated20151106

honestly ? you’re so right

itsmestonesthrown

That's penguins. You're thinking of penguins.

Could someone please dress up as a gorilla and go in the wrong bathroom at a Donald Trump rally? That would be the trifecta.

Sometimes my brain thinks things that scare me... I actually asked myself the question "I wonder if I can find an audio book on learning sign language." I've been laughing for 5 minutes at my own stupidity.

itsmestonesthrown

General Tso's Shih Tzu?

“GT? Like a muscle car?” I questioned. I’d hardly compare this walking cloud to a classic. They looked at each other, smiled, then back at me and then the husband said “No, like General Tso.” Absent minded I muttered “oh” while administering a leg shaking belly rub to the general. As I stood up it hit me…They’re Asian…that’s a dog…his name is General Tso….as in General Tso’s chicken. I didn’t want to laugh in case they’d named him for an actual General Tso and not as the rumored ingredient in some lesser reputable Chinese restaurants. I gave them a sideways gaze; my eyebrows in a quizzical crunch of curiosity. They could tell I was thinking what neither of us were saying. The husband nodded once and gave me permission to laugh by saying…….. “Yup. He acts a bit spicy but he’s really just chicken.” Ladies and gentlemen I all but fell over laughing. They continued their walk leaving me there to catch my breath. I must’ve told every customer I saw today about that.

itsmestonesthrown

#funnystories

I went to a first time roach service in downtown Frederick. They open the door and the smell hits me. German roaches have a distinct smell I never thought I'd be able to easily recognize in my lifetime. The worse the infestation the worse the smell. These roaches had undoubtedly engulfed this home much like smell had my nose. I go through my prerecorded monolog on how the service will be preformed. As I am speaking the mother, who appears to have the aged skin texture of a gnarled tree in Middle Earth, proceeds to butter a piece of recently toasted bread. All the while smacking her lips as if toast were her life force; painting the torched wheat with precision. A masterpiece in her eyes but you couldn't force feed me a microscopic crumb. You see what I've not mentioned is that while she spread her butter more than one roach had taken front row seats to the spectacle that is Old Woman: The Butterer of Toasts. I hope the show was worth it for they ended up being buttered over. Front row is right on the bread, of course. Now, I should've said something at this point but the horror of it all had rendered me speechless. I watched in cringe full terror as she placed the butter knife on the dirty counter. I gasped as she folded the buttery roach grave in half. I fought back vomit as she devoured half in one toothy bite. As she chewed she plucked pieces of roach from the remaining half. Now, a sane person would pitch the whole thing so my logic is asking me: "wtf is she bothering to do that? Just get rid of it! Oh, God she can't mean to eat the rest. Nu...noooooooo! C'mon lady wonder bread ain't that expensive! Start the F$@* over, order in, do something, anything, just don't....don't..." I started to interject but was too late. She had the second half touching teeth before the first half was even a lump in her throat. She looked at me mid bite as if to cluelessly ask: "What?" I went about my business in rapid form. I needed to be gone from there before I tossed cookies I hadn't seen since 2001. I've just about lost enough appetite to thin out the cast of The Biggest Loser in one episode.

fakehermes-deactivated20170207

drdemented-deactivated20191023

*starts typing on bottom of shoe*

Hacker voice: I’m in.

nebuvoid

confused person looking at snow prints: who the fcuk strapped fucking keyboards to their shoes

aurayafrost

police detective examines footprints leading away from the crime ‘why did we ever anger the machines,’ he asks himself sorrowfully

itsmestonesthrown

Criminal behaviorist determine it is in fact The Keystroke Killer.

General Tso's Shih Tzu?

This morning while treating the exterior of a customers home an Asian-American couple were walking by my truck with their Shih Tzu. I grew up with dogs similar if not that exact breed so I squatted down as he approached with all wiggles and fluff, and pet him. I asked for his name and was told "we call him 'GT'." "GT? Like a muscle car?" I questioned. I'd hardly compare this walking cloud to a classic. They looked at each other, smiled, then back at me and then the husband said "No, like General Tso." Absent minded I muttered "oh" while administering a leg shaking belly rub to the general. As I stood up it hit me...They're Asian...that's a dog...his name is General Tso....as in General Tso's chicken. I didn't want to laugh in case they'd named him for an actual General Tso and not as the rumored ingredient in some lesser reputable Chinese restaurants. I gave them a sideways gaze; my eyebrows in a quizzical crunch of curiosity. They could tell I was thinking what neither of us were saying. The husband nodded once and gave me permission to laugh by saying........ "Yup. He acts a bit spicy but he's really just chicken." Ladies and gentlemen I all but fell over laughing. They continued their walk leaving me there to catch my breath. I must've told every customer I saw today about that.

What do I know about dwarfism? Umm...very little

Do you know why Tom Brady wears less padding than the rest of his team? Because you don't put a pad on if you've already got a tampon in.

When a coworker successfully insults the boss, who's mere feet away, and it goes unnoticed.

When you successfully silently let out that fart you've been holding but then the smell hits you.

What it's like trying to sleep in an apartment building.

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The way I see it