Wildflower

Other blog: withlovecyrine.tumblr.com

[itsqueencyrine]

All races are beautiful.

[withlovecyrine]

All broken people need and deserve a Francis | On Vodka, Beers, and Regrets.

[itsqueencyrine]

Be a Francis in a world full of Bens.

[itsqueencyrine]

The uncertainty of what lies ahead, at times, paralyzes me. When the fear of not knowing what’s waiting for me in the future eats me whole, my whole world gradually goes on snail pace and everything inside me feels heavy. And when that happens, I’d stop caring about everything that I care for so much — my work, daily routine, people, and me.

It’s the similar feeling like when in my dream, I am running really fast and then my body slowly becomes heavy and the ground turns downy. My sprint becomes a slow motion run, like the guys who landed on the moon. And then I’d forget why I’m escaping from whatever that’s running after me and just give up. I’d stop moving and wait for that something that’s chasing after me proceed to execute its plan.

I woke up today feeling extra blue. The first thought that came in to my mind when I opened my eyes was, “Oh, I didn’t die in my sleep. What a bummer.” I wanted to just stay in bed and sleep the day away. Or, maybe, Idk.... die right there and then?

I haven’t been putting much effort on everything that I do lately. In my work or in my personal life, everything I do lately are half-assed.

I find it weird and uncomfortable whenever I sleep on a bed without at least a layer of bed cover. But because I stopped caring about that, I’ve been slumbering on my sofa bed without proper bed sheets (see photos) like... girl, who are you???

I didn’t care if the sun’s already out and I’m still in my bed, pondering about the meaning of life or “should I take a shower now or later?”

I asked God for anything that’s gonna motivate me to grab my towel and take a shower so I could begin with my supposedly 4AM routine. (It was already past 6AM when I took those photos, by the way.)

And I was reminded that I’m not rich. I have to work. And when you’re not wealthy, you have no choice but to get yourself together when your done feeling down, put your brave face on, get out of bed, and hustle. The fear of not getting paid today was, I guess, greater than this monthly paralyzing episodes. The realisation that I am an average, minimum wage earner kicked me out of my sheetless bed today.

[itsqueencyrine]

You dont need to leave

It seems a bit naive

No need to disagree

Or seek my history

You're starin at my soul

My sanity you stole

But then i knew all along

That anything could go wrong

Thou i cant see you

I cant feel you

Im so glad you open my door

When i get near all my fears disappear

And i wont be alone anymore... hmmm hmmmm hmmmhmm...

Basin ang reason ngano wala ni na sikat nga track kay di sya rock n roll feels. Chika lang.

[itsqueencyrine]

So... uploading this here para naay content. Bye.

[itsqueencyrine]

Part of My New Normal

Lately, I’ve been searching for ways on how to lessen my screen time an hour or two before dozing off at night. And I think I just found the perfect way to achieve that goal — reading a book until I fall asleep.

Ever since the pandemic started, I noticed that the time that I unconsciously allot with my phone has increased which resulted to screwed up sleeping pattern. Minimum of five hours of uninterrupted sleep is all my system needs for me to think clearly and have an awesome mood the next day. However, since I started working at home, I get less than what my body needs. And when I don’t get enough sleep the night before, I get cranky the entire day. No amount of caffeine could cure my lack-of-sleep-induced crankiness. And we don’t want Cyrine to get cranky. Nah-uh. Even I hates my irritable self.

I am incorporating this to my new normal night routine instead of wasting my time, scrolling aimlessly on social media until I doze off to dreamland. This new routine follows right after my quick shower. Trust me, the last thing that you’d want to feed your brain with before sleeping are toxic posts on Facebook or on any social media platform.

And yeah, I guess I’m back to blogging again...?

[itsqueencyrine]

I started web logging my thoughts and some bits and pieces of my life here on Tumblr in 2009. Ever since I discovered this place, I never want to leave. I mean, how could I? How could I leave the place where I feel safe? The place where I learned how to be honest with myself, how to get real with my own thoughts without feeling mortified about getting judged?

Even before coming upon the world of journalling, this platform has already been present in my life. The people that I followed back then were great at putting into words everything that’s on their mind. I thought that their blog contents were so good that I wanted so bad to emulate them. I loved how raw their narratives were. And I thought they were utterly brave for being shamelessly vulnerable on the world wide web and didn’t care if they’d get mocked or judged because of it.

Through Tumblr community, I learned how to be comfortable in expressing myself — in words and in photographs. Here also is where I discovered that I can be creative with words and writing simple anecdotes and essays has become one of my interests. I must acknowledge the fact that my writing skill is a huge bold, italized, and underlined bllltttthhh compared to those people who are truly gifted in this department but, I won’t allow that to stop me from doing what I love to do.

I began to get more comfortable in unloading my thoughts and feelings in this place that each time something good and amusing happened to me, I go straight to this place and babble about it as if talking to a friend about my day and/or experiences. Or if something or someone upsets me, I find my blog to be a convenient avenue where I can rant non-stop and freely vent out my anger. I thought nobody would ever care to read my blog so I didn’t feel the need to filter my cyber mouth. And even if they read about my rants, I thought they’d be more forgiving because it’s just the internet and hope that they would forget about what they read and move on with their lives.

I’ve been doing that for the last 10 years —broadcasting some parts of my life on the world wide web. And then an epiphany happened.

A few of my friends started to read my blog since I sometimes share my posts on Facebook. I notice that there are informations and details of my life that I only shared on my blog that were mentioned or brought up in our conversations. I’d be a little shock and sometimes panic internally whenever that happens and ask them how did they know about that piece of information. They’d then be surprised with my reactions and say, “you wrote that in your blog, right?”

I have come to a realisation that, for 10 years, I’ve been too comfortable and too confident in this place. I’ve been sharing too much of my life on the world wide web that the fine line that separates what and what not to share on the internet has become blur, almost blotted out. And even in the real world, or the world that’s outside the internet, I often find myself sharing too much to a lot of people.

I have never really told anyone everything about my life, yet. If you’ve been reading my posts since way back, all the things you know about me through my blog is just the tip of the iceberg. All of those things are only trivial compared to the stories that I would never ever tell.

But it still feels like I have given a huge chunk of myself already and I regret sharing some parts of me that I wish I shouldn’t have. And because some cold-hearted people used what they’ve read on my blog against me, I now care too much about how the world would perceive me with my content.

My draft folder is full of unfinished narratives and essays that I can’t get myself to finish because I now care too much and I want to be more careful as well. I have never told anyone everything about my life yet and I don’t want to reach to that point where even strangers know the number of freckles on my arms.

Right now, I want to deal with everything that’s going on in my daily life outside Tumblr. I confine my throughts and ideas in my journal nowadays. I’ve also been journalling for years now but I am spending more time unloading my baggages in my journal since I decided that blogging will have to take a back seat. For now. I want to bring the line that separates my reality from the internet world back to life. (Ka char ba sa back to life uy.) And this is why I am taking a break.

I’m giving myself at least 6 months to a year of hiatus (but I doubt I could last until next year. hahaha!) I made this new account in January to have a fresh start... I guess? My old blogs are still alive but I changed their URLs so none could read back my old posts (except for my followers in those blogs).

I’ll be back, I promise. I’m just taking a short break.