Today I felt nothing but engulfing waves of sadness.
It's my birthday. A day I usually love, a day dedicated to yours truly, full of love and appreciation and a consistent splattering of validation.
I don't know why today felt so different at 28. The last 2 weeks probably didn't help, usually I would plan a party, fill my calendar with brunches, friend dates and family get togethers. This year I didn't, because some weeks ago I fell into a depression spiral & didn't feel like making any plans. I didn't feel like partying or seeing people so I kept it basic. Now my birthday has arrived I do feel pangs of regret about that, but overall I just feel an empty sadness.
Saturday - the first time I have properly seen my dad since the breakup, that wasn't him crying telling me how suicidal he felt and how much he had messed up. Agreeing to meet him was so difficult but something I felt I had to do and get out of the way. It was torturous, although I told people after it was ok. Lily's, chocolates, fudge - my favourites. Trying to buy my love aka the only way he's ever known how.
Saturday evening was nice I can't deny that, Thai with a wonderful friend & her husband & my other half. We laughed, we drank, I felt normality.
Sunday came, my other half of course wrote a lovely card & got me an amazing gift which of course was lovely & I know I should feel so loved but I just felt somewhat deflated. Missing cards from people, no cards or gifts from friends, which sounds incredibly bitter & shitty of me, but I go out of my way to make thoughtful loving gifts for my nearests and dearests and to open nothing felt like all my friends' clearly hate me. For the first time ever my brother hadn't even bothered to get me a card, instead it was from my mum, with a card she had dug out from a forgotten pile in the last second. He hasn't spoken to me all day other than a insta collage he nonchalantly posted at 5:50pm. My nan was too poorly to join for a birthday dinner. Everything felt incomplete. Our reservation took over 45 minutes before we were seated, we waited a total of 3 hours start to finish. My mum and grandpa left midway. I smiled & tried to make conversation throughout but eyes glaring at me could see through the front I was clearly putting on.
I have to go back work tomorrow after two weeks off from stress and the dread is insurmountable.
I know this is the wingiest post I've ever written, I sound so ungrateful but I just can't shake the feeling of being incredibly unloved on a day I usually feel full of love.
Oh and I watched Attack on Titan and the death made me sob. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day day...
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