It's Think against Act

[itsthinkagainstact]

Mercury retrograde is starting soon and I can feel its shadow in the way the past is coming back around to softly haunt me.

Rivers rewrite the land all the time, carving out new paths from old maps and they superimpose in my mind: there's this memory of us all in that apartment in front of that white screen, raising hands to pick a movie, there's this image of the last time it felt like home, there's yesterday and eating at that table as wiser adults.

There's this end of the year dinner party at our school, his fingers grazing my shorts and the beginning of the game, there's the same party tonight where we talked about him leaving in a year and me wondering about what I'm gonna write in my goodbye note for him, there's the conversation with Claire on the way to the bar in which I finally say out loud that there was something between us even though she must have been one of the first to know all the way back then.

There's the conversation with my soon-to-be former students about who I'm dating and them asking me to tell the story of how it started, there's me telling Claire about it and how it all began because of the girls giggling in my classroom and a missed night bus, there's you at the bar, looking at me and there's me knowing that four years later we share a home (and a postbox).

-And I look at the spring of us in my mind and the river of us in our room and I hope it'll widen and deepen and swallow the whole world with how much I love you.

Superimposition -18.06.26

[itsthinkagainstact]

Weird that I forgot where the toilets were, this used to be one of my homes for so long.

Film club every Saturday, slumber parties and dinner invitations and whiskey degustations, your couch felt as familiar as my bed. Her next to me, tapping each other's shoulder, our secret code for I'm glad you're here, judging men on dating apps and giggling in the dead of night.

On the blackboard section of the wall in the kitchen, there's still some of the drawings from film club, the one Thomas drew to commemorate our choices, a truck, a dancer, all the ones I forgot. Remnants from past lives where everything felt perfect, then everything fell apart, then I learned to distance myself, leaving some part of me on this grey couch.

I think I like that we've grown -with age comes grace and all that- and I can enjoy homemade pasta without wanting to scream. I used to think you were my roots, I can live with us being neighboring trees.

Echoes - 17.06.26

[nosebleedclub]

Discussion 3/6/2026

1. birds return 2. sternum 3. how will you spend the last days 4. the blessing 5. long drive

[itsthinkagainstact]

Your hand in mine, in the park that could almost make us feel like we have a garden with how close it is to our place, the smell of hyacinths in the air and half of Paris with the same idea. Your hand in mine, anchoring me to the ground as I walk with my face to the sky, my face to the trees, looking for black birds-ravens-sparrows-blue tits-turtle doves, flute players among the leaves. Your hand in mine, a smile on my face after days-weeks-months? of crying for no actual reason -if you don't count the world burning down around us, obviously- time together in the sun, delicate pastries and circus dogs.

Flowers everywhere, (microcosm-macrocosm) blossoming again, lungs filled with baby's breath.

[itsthinkagainstact]

It's not that I don't want to write, I can feel it in the back of my throat, the words are there but there's some sort of protectiveness around what we found, our place with paper stars and cat puzzle pieces under the rug. I still don't really get how we got this lucky, even with the cold weeks with the cold bed, even with the frustration I'm still bad at letting out, even with the cough that lasts months. I'm still in your arms every morning, I still marvel at the way you look and at the way you look at me. Our fourth anniversary, your hand in mine, seaside and giant crabs, long walks and the sun in my eyes when I look at you. A year ago we were deciding that we would start looking for our space and then it fell into place like falling in bed at the end of the day, the best part of it all. The world outside is a shit show and I feel like hiding most of the time but Spring is coming back and people are singing together and at night I can listen to your heartbeat and remember there's light in all of this, I'll try to keep it close and warm my hands over it when I feel cold .

25.01.2026

[itsthinkagainstact]

I haven't written much these last few months, not because I don't want to document the light you bring into my life but because the world is too dark, too full of ashes to write about hope.

Yet I know it's a way to remember there are good things worth fighting for, but it feels unfair.

It's unfair that we have found our safe haven, high ceilings and enough room to slow dance in the kitchen, when babies are starving to death on the other side of the world, live on our phones. One doesn't cancel the other, but there's guilt and horror there, exhaustion too. What do you mean the word genocide is still being debated upon when all the signs are glaringly, and murderously, there for everyone to see? I have nothing revolutionary to write about the weight capitalism, patriarchy and hatred hold over our lives, and it feels hard to complain when I have the confort of our flat, of your arms, of our life to keep me alive and warm.

I love living with you, building our future and you reaching out for me as you sleep, our cat being king of the courtyard and suncatchers painting rainbows on our walls. I still feel like we're drowning with the rest of the world.

7.10.2025

[itsthinkagainstact]

I don't need you to get down on one knee,

Ask me on our couch, in our kitchen, in our bed,

As long as we're together, it's my favourite place.

I don't need something huge and shiny,

Juste something pretty, that shows you know me

As long as it's from you, I want it on me.

But I need you to ask me,

Because I know my answer and it's not changing soon,

But I need you to be as sure as there is a moon.

16.09.2025

[itsthinkagainstact]

At our friends' wedding together, so moved by the love they have for each other but also for all of us. We imagine what it'll be like when it'll be our turn, just a few snippets of conversation here and there, but the look in your eyes as we danced was full of promises.

The end of the night in between the moon setting and the sun rising, in the back of your mom's car, no pretense at propriety and steam on the windows.

I love you.

10.08.25

[itsthinkagainstact]

I love learning city grids with you, three days of meandering until we know the way, hand in hand in paved streets.

The sun in my eyes, squirrels and crocodiles, we quietly plan our future, a place filled with light, some space for our plants and our cat, a home warmed with love.

We're still so soft, looking at each other, mattress on the floor and on top of the world, under olive trees, across ancient stones. Cheek-to-cheek on a light grey bench, your eyes tell me all I need to know.

Cheers to three years, here's to a million more.

3 years in the sun -20.01.25

[itsthinkagainstact]

These are just some days

That we need to sail through

Planting seeds for Spring

Burrowing for Winter

Your head on my chest

My fingers in your hair

I listen to your breathing

I'll keep your heart warm

These are just some days

We'll see the light again

But as the world goes through this storm

I won't let go of your hand.

28.11.24

[itsthinkagainstact]

My body can't be yours, it needs to be mine and mine only. I need to be the one in charge of it, of who gets access to it, love of my life included. It has -I have- felt used too many times before, I can't find myself thinking like this again, not with you, not when one of the things that made me feel safe was that I didn't feel used, disconnected from what it was feeling under hands that wanted my skin but not my heart. Love me more than you desire me.

Object of attention - sept 2024

[itsthinkagainstact]

Funny how he got my ribs and my lack of trust when you're having me at my fullest, so many spots for you to let your hands roam, places to grab me, hold me, keep me -

Weightless 19.08.24

[itsthinkagainstact]

We're building traditions around summer, our own holy calendar - letters and numbers by the pool, white linens and your mouth on me, a moonlit sea-slow, your salt-tasting skin under my lips.

Silent pleas under the stars, your fingers, my heartbeat, the monsters in the bushes.

The openness of your love on your freckled face, the sun sending dappled light through branches, your hand playing with my top on a grass-stained nap.

Your mother's garden and your favourite restaurant, your hand in mine in the streets of Angers and your hand on my thigh in your mother's car.

My love in the sun, your arms are where I belong.

[itsthinkagainstact]

Late night early morning-

I'm never more myself than with all my/our friends around, laughing really loud and dancing to thumping bass and I can see that's when you love me the brightest.

Vega high above our heads but falling lower and lower as your mouth finds its way across my skin, grass under my fingers as I send silent prayers to the rising moon.

It's so open, this love, so soft and light, when Simon asks what our biggest cause of disagreement is, we can't find an answer that's not about the name of a dish.

24.07

[itsthinkagainstact]

That morning when my sadness, my frustration, my anger came out as indecision, you picked my clothes out for me, lay them on the bed, making it all so easy, all of a sudden, drawing me out of my frozen state.

The next night, as we were falling asleep in my bed, I told you again how glad I was, being with you, love of my life, and you said you had a confession to make: I'm it for you, you've never been so sure.

22.06

[itsthinkagainstact]

What is it with trains and crying ? Why is it that each time I feel overfilled with emotions, it's sitting on a less than comfortable seat that gives me permission to let go, even after a day of keeping the tears in check ?

Is it being surrounded by strangers who, hopefully, won't care past a concerned glance, won't ask questions ? Is it the limited length of the journey that opens a window of opportunity before going back to things to do and people to see?

Back in England, nine years ago, I would cry everywhere but especially on trains and buses, or at least, that's the memory I have of it. It's something to do with the liminality of being on the move. Maybe if the tears flow between here and there, points A and B, they don't count as much, don't weigh as heavy. God, how sad I was, having fled from my grief, to no avail; it had followed me straight to the other side of the Channel. How sad and how glad to be alone with my sorrow, away from real life and from people who would try to make it better when what I needed was time to myself, or worse, wouldn't try because they hadn't seen or understood the depth of it all.

I'm not that girl anymore, not 21 and adrift like that ship painted by Turner that'll forever make me think of that period of time. I'm not that girl anymore but sometimes I see flashes of her, in the face reflected by the train window, sky turning purple and cheeks glistening. I'm not that girl anymore but I know she and I will be okay in the end, on the other side of the journey.

-Thin Places 22.03

[itsthinkagainstact]

30 ans, deux mois et un jour

Une fête parfaite avec les gens que j'aime, que les gens que j'aime puisque j'ai fait le tri et le tri s'est fait. J'ai l'impression que les cycles se terminent, les boucles se bouclent, je laisse s'envoler des choses -la colère, l'attente d'excuses, l'envie de comprendre- et je me laisse tomber dans les bras de ceux qui m'aiment sans condition, sans me demander d'être parfaite. Mes amis venus de tous les coins de la France et de l'autre côté de l'océan, pour être ensemble à nouveau, en vrai ou dans le coeur pour ceux qui n'ont pas pu venir. Les câlins et les rires et les cadeaux qui paraissent bien trop. Mais surtout leur présence, de tous ces gens qui sont dans ma vie depuis plus ou moins longtemps, quelques mois ou des dizaines d'années, qui sont si heureux d'être là.

Simon qui dit "Elle créé du lien la Lulu" et c'est quelque part le plus joli cadeau de la soirée. Je suis vue et entendue et comprise et aimée aimée aimée. Tous ces fils qui nous lient, qui passent par moi ce soir là, par mon coeur et mon envie que tous les gens que j'aime s'aiment aussi.

...

30 ans, trois mois et trois jours

Et la chaleur qui se dégageait de toutes ces interactions, ces câlins et ces discussions, qui reste reste reste, on en reparle au nouvel an, de la douceur entre nous et quelle joie c'était de se retrouver dans nos costumes de films préférés.

Et au milieu de tout ça, l'amour de ma vie qui a rendu cette trentième année si douce, qui m'a surprise dès les premières secondes de la journée et a mis des étoiles dans ma vie au dîner. Lui qui ne comprend pas bien l'intérêt de son propre anniversaire, qui a tout fait pour rendre le mien parfait. Lui qui s'est si bien glissé dans ce groupe d'amis trop pleins d'émotions, au milieu des baisers et des compliments qui continuent à le faire rougir.

30 ans sinon rien, on a trouvé notre équilibre.

[itsthinkagainstact]

You welcomed me with open arms and a bouquet of flowers, the first of many to come from what you told me. Kisses all day long and christening every room of your new place. Love all around and we've missed each other so fucking much we couldn't get enough of each other. The next few days spent with your hand in mine, your lips on mine, your skin against mine. Waking you up in my sleep to go to Florida in the middle of the night and being late because I can't leave your bed. Je t'aime

30.08