I'm bad with words

[itsumookitegami]

Jagged Little Pill

Its been a while. Hadnt had the time in a few years, but here we are, back at that place. Once again, I’m making all kinds of changes in my life. Or at least, I’m aware of changes i need to make, and what I need to do to move forward in my life. Im taking steps towards being the kind of person I want and need to be. Im still clinging to some bad habits, but one step at a time, i guess.

I finally got a prescription for an SSRI. I honestly didnt think it would be that easy. I made an appt with my GP and he wrote me the script, basically no questions asked, and I picked it up that same day from Walgreens. It was bizarre and surrel. I feel very emotional about this. I never thought that I would get this far in my mental health journey. Its something I’ve been wanting for a long time, but I didnt think it would be this easy. I’m really looking forward to seeing how it settles into my life. I really hope it works well. Crossing my fingers that everything goes smoothly. Heres to hoping.

[itsumookitegami]

I was never allowed to grieve. Or have privacy. And allowed myself to be put on the back burner constantly. Need to remedy all of these things, from this day forward.

[itsumookitegami]

Great, I'm in this state of mind again. Guess you didn't realize how much you hurt my feelings by showing me that excuses are more important than I am. I'm trying really hard to hold on, but the more I look at it, the less it seems desirable. I really don't want to think about this right now. Can it wait a couple of months?

[itsumookitegami]

I'm not appreciated at all....I need to get out of this life. I want more But I can't have it. I don't have anywhere to go when I fail. I'll just expire here, then.

[itsumookitegami]

I keep tottering between being mad that not everyone is as busy as i am, working hard to fulfill their dreams, and realizing that not everyone has the same life as me.

[itsumookitegami]

I'm gonna stop looking for "deep emotional connections" in relationships, and just look for someone that will help support me financially and that I can tolerate and can tolerate me for the rest of my life.

[itsumookitegami]

Appreciation and money can't buy respect. iPhoneからの投稿

[itsumookitegami]

....I haven't changed. Still making these poor life choices.

[itsumookitegami]

Ooooh girl, you better stop catching them feels. You know that only leads to suffering. Someone talk me out of this.

[itsumookitegami]

Think I might be depressed. Am I? Its hard to tell, I think. Maybe I'm over analyzing myself. I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything that I want/need to do. Things get pushed back and reorganized constantly, for days, and it annoys me. I wish I could make lots of money just running groups and actually practicing being an idol, because thats what I truly enjoy doing. The hustle gives me life, and seeing the end product makes me happier than anything. I have no interest in becoming an event planner though, thats way too much stress. In the mean time, I'm over here, low key stressed, and feeling out of control of my time. Something needs to change! I definitely feel a lot better about my life right now than I did a year ago. I want to expand my horizons, but I feel like I'm so used to my life how it is, that I wouldn't know what to do. I tried to do something out of my comfort zone (network with people! Thats easy, right? Wrong.), but I ended up having a panic attack about it. I just feel so out of the loop of social norms, even within my preferred social groups. I don't keep up with the same things as everyone else, so I end up not having anything to talk about with almost anyone, and I just feel defeated. I don't know what to do about this. I don't have any time to pick up any new tv shows or hobbies. I don't think its fair to me to have to conform myself and try to participate in something that I'm not interested in. I just don't know what to dooooooooooooOOOOoooo. Halp.

[itsumookitegami]

Sometimes its hard to realize what someone does have while you're too busy noticing what they don't have.

[itsumookitegami]

Is it wrong for me to be mad at somebody for not doing something that I don't even like/want to do?

[itsumookitegami]

I haven't written anything here for a while. The reasoning for that, is that I have someone to occupy my thoughts with now. :) (But thats another entry.) Also because I was extremely busy. Nonetheless. My time has been recently freed up, so back to normal life, and hopefully more writing here. Now, to the topic of todays entry: The other day was my moms anniversary. It didn't rain. Had dinner with my family; it was nice. Though on my way home, I realized something. This year, my brother finally reached the amount of years hes been with and without our mom. I wonder how he feels about it. When I reached that point, I was sad. Now, its hard for me to remember her at all, and I know it'll only get worse. The whole having a mother/having that kind of relationship thing is just foreign to me. Its certainly impacted my relationships with other people. And I'm certainly jealous of people that have built in best friends with their moms. It makes me really nervous to try to be a mom myself. How close should I try to be? What things do you talk about with your kids? How selfless do you really have to become? Its hard when you don't have your own examples to go by. Guess thats why they make self help books. Idk I don't feel like talking about it anymore, its like beating a dead horse. Those memories were a lifetime away.

[itsumookitegami]

I finally decided to bite the bullet. Gonna let someone in a little bit. If anything, the compliments are nice! I pushed him away at arms length for two months, but he stood his ground and proved himself patient and caring. He respects the shit out of my mind and body. Those two things say to me that hes at least worth giving a chance. It'll be fun! Though I made him agree that we aren't going to label anything right now. Still not ready for another commitment like that rn. Though sometimes when he says certain things, it makes my brain turn upside down for a minute, and I have to remember that we aren't getting married tomorrow or anything like that. That this is supposed to be fun and easy. But hes willing to wait, and I am very appreciative of that. I'm really having fun, watching myself grow as a person; the way I think about, talk to, and treat this new person. I'm certainly clearer on what kind of person/people I want close to me than I was last year. I really like how we lift each other up, its very gratifying. Its still a little hard to say some things, because I'm a little scared of being vulnerable. Guess I gotta take it one day at a time. I'll get there. Challenge accepted?! >|

[itsumookitegami]

My imagination is running wild again. That plus hormones are really driving me bat shit insane. Girl needs to calm doooown. *implodes*

[itsumookitegami]

I really wish I would have had the confidence earlier in life to date around. I could have had a lot of fun.

[itsumookitegami]

So uh. Guess I marked my territory. >