itsyellaboo

•HIRAYA MANAWARI• 11/15/2024 👼🏻

[itsyellabeau]

Some days I wonder who I really am.

Am I the “maldita” my family describes? The one who talks too harshly, acts too cold, too selfish, too prideful?

Sometimes I replay their words in my head and I start believing maybe there’s really something wrong with me.

But then I think about the people outside our house.

My patients see someone kind. Helpful. Intelligent. Someone who listens with empathy. My coworkers trust me because I work hard and show up when needed. My boyfriend sees me as beautiful, funny, and responsible.

How can one person be described so differently?

Maybe people only see the parts of me they experience. My family sees my temper, my distance, my boundaries.

But I wish they also saw the reasons behind them.

I wish they knew I save money because I dream of buying my dad a house in the Philippines someday. I want him to rest. I want him to retire peacefully after working so hard his whole life.

I wish they knew I’m not trying to be selfish.

I’m just trying to build a stable future for myself. Pay my debts. Live simply. Travel sometimes. Have a small complete family one day. A quiet life. A soft life.

I don’t dream of being rich. I just dream of finally feeling safe. And maybe the hardest thing to admit is this:

Despite how strong or “matapang” I act, I get hurt too.

Sobra.

Ang lungkot pala kapag pakiramdam mo walang nakakakilala sayo nang totoo. Ang lungkot pala ng maraming tao sa bahay pero pakiramdam mo mag-isa ka.

Maybe I do have flaws. I know I can be harsh when I’m upset. I know I push people away sometimes. But I also know my heart is not evil.

I am just tired.

Tired of being misunderstood.

Tired of carrying everything quietly.

Tired of pretending words don’t hurt me.

I hope one day people stop defining me only by my rough edges.

Because beneath all of that, I’m just someone trying her best to love, survive, and still keep her dreams alive.

[itsyellabeau]

I’ve been thinking about us lately, and I’ve come to a quiet kind of peace with everything. I really believe we were meant to meet and be part of each other’s lives for a time, even if it wasn’t meant to last forever.

I don’t think our paths will cross again, and that used to make me sad, but it doesn’t the same way anymore. Now it just feels like something I’ve accepted. What we had was real to me, and I’ll always appreciate it for what it was, without needing anything more from it.

I’m closing this chapter now, thank you for making it with me.

[itsyellabeau]

Kung May Mata ang Langit

siguro’y nakita niya ang ating simula—

ang ngiting sumilay sa aking mga labi, noong una kitang makita.

Kung may mata ang langit,

siguro’y saksi siya sa bawat sandali:

sa maraming halik, mga yakap na mahigpit,

mga kwentong minsa’y ating pinagsaluhan.

Bawat pangarap na sabay nating hinabi habang akala natin ang bukas ay para sa atin.

Kung may mata ang langit,

siguro’y narinig niya ang tibok ng puso ko

sa tuwing ako’y iyong nilalapitan—

sa tuwing ang mundo ko’y tila tumitigil

kapag ika’y aking natatanaw.

At kung may mata ang langit,

alam din niya

na wala namang nagbago sa pag-ibig.

Walang lamig na dumating,

walang pusong naghanap ng iba.

Nariyan pa rin ang pagtingin,

nariyan pa rin ang mga sana,

nariyan pa rin ang ikaw at ako

Ngunit kung may mata ang langit,

siguro’y naroon siya noong gabi

nang tayo’y magkatabi,

ngunit tila’y napakalayo.

Hindi dahil nawala ang pag-ibig

kaya tayo nagpaalam.

Kundi dahil may pag-ibig tayong

mas piniling sundan.

Sa gabing iyon,

mahigpit kitang niyakap

hindi upang pigilan ka,

kundi upang magpaalam.

At sa pagbuhos ng aking mga luha,

marahil ang langit man ay napaluha rin—

sapagkat alam niyang sa gabing iyon

dalawang pusong nagmamahalan

ang piniling magparaya.

Hindi dahil mahina ang pag-ibig,

kundi dahil matatag ang pananampalataya.

Kung may mata ang langit,

siguro hanggang ngayon ay nakatingin pa rin siya—

tahimik na saksi sa dalawang pusong

piniling sumunod kahit masakit.

At kung sakaling makita ka niyang muli

sa ilalim ng parehong kalangitan,

marahil ay maaalala niya na ang pag-ibig ko sa’yo

ay hindi nawala—

nariyan pa rin ang ikaw at ako.

[itsyellabeau]

Acts 8:26–40 Reflection

If Philip had not listened to the Holy Spirit, he would have never met the Ethiopian. God redirected Philip onto the Ethiopian’s route so he could help him understand Isaiah’s Scripture (Isaiah 53:7–8). Through that encounter, the Ethiopian came to believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.

This story is not about Philip—it’s about believing in Jesus Christ. It’s about trusting God, listening to the Holy Spirit, and following the Spirit even when there is no clear explanation why. There is always a reason.

Every redirection and every trial in life has a purpose. And whatever that reason may be, it always leads to Jesus. It always ends in Him.

Happy Sunday. 🤍

[itsyellabeau]

This was me six years ago, was also brokenhearted. Was also in pain. Six years ago feels like a lifetime ago, yet the memory is still sharp. I remember that version of me heartbroken, betrayed, drowning in pain I didn’t know how to carry. I cried so loud in my apartment, begging the Lord to make the hurt stop, feeling so lost that I even tried to harm myself just to escape the heaviness. That girl was shattered, confused, and desperate for love that didn’t destroy her. But even in that darkness, I reached out to God, even if I didn’t fully understand how to hold on to Him. I tried reading the Bible, even if it was inconsistent, even if I didn’t know what healing looked like. That small effort, that tiny act of reaching, planted the seed for the person I am today.

Now, when I look at myself, I see the difference so clearly. Today, I don’t run toward destruction anymore — I run toward God. When the pain becomes too much, I don’t disappear into the darkness; I cry to Him.

When life feels heavy, I don’t lose my focus or let my heart wander away like before. I choose to stay with God, even when I’m hurting. I choose peace even when things around me aren’t right. I choose to believe that there is something good in every storm I walk through.

I’m no longer the girl who begged for love that wasn’t meant for her. I’m no longer the girl who thought the only way out was to end the pain.

I’m no longer the girl who abandoned herself.

Today, I am someone who has survived her own storm. Someone who found comfort in God instead of in people who broke her. Someone who learned that healing isn’t forgetting — it’s growing beyond what tried to destroy you.

I may still carry the trauma, but I no longer carry it alone. God carried me then, and He carries me now.

And looking back, I can finally say to that girl from six years ago:

“You made it.

You’re stronger now.

God never left you — and neither did you.”

[itsyellabeau]

The dwelling coffee shop

What happened today:

Today felt unexpectedly peaceful. While I was sitting in the café, I overheard a group of girls talking about wanting to go to the Elevation concert in January. A part of me wanted to jump into the conversation because I want to go too, but I held back because I didn’t want to come off as rude. Still, listening to them made me feel like I belonged — like I could fit in with people who enjoy the same things I do.

It was my first time coming to a Christian café, and it surprised me how warm and comforting it felt. The pastries were good, but the matcha was bomb! I didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as I did. It made me think that I should do this more often — take myself to places that bring me peace.

How it made me feel:

- Calm

- Connected (even if silently)

- Encouraged

- Thankful I pushed myself to go

- Hopeful that I could find community in small ways

Where I saw God today:

- In the sense of peace I felt.

- In the little moment of belonging.

- In the courage to try something new.

- In the simple joy of good food and a warm environment.

Grateful for:

- A peaceful day

- The courage to step out of my comfort zone

- The cozy atmosphere of the café

- The reminder that I’m not alone

- The chance to do something for myself

[itsyellabeau]

Today I felt something shift inside me.

A part of me; the part that used to dream of love, marriage, and building a family it feels quiet now. I no longer want to chase love, and I don’t want it chasing me. Maybe one day I’ll have the qualities to be a good mother, a gentle wife, the light of a home but for now, those dreams feel like they belong to another version of me. A version who hoped, prayed, imagined children of her own, a partner to grow old with, a house filled with joy.

Those dreams, they feel like just that now. Dreams.

And today, I’m letting them rest.

I’m not giving up. I’m not bitter. I’m just choosing a new path, one that brings me closer to myself and closer to God. I want to become the best version of me for my family and for my own heart. I want to live with purpose, with clarity, and with peace.

Most of all, I want to love God fully and obey Him with every breath He gives me.

Maybe I’m closing one door, but I’m opening another; a door to healing, to self growth, to faith, and to becoming someone strong, steady, and rooted in God’s love.

Right now, that’s enough.

Right now, that’s where I’m meant to be.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” — Philippians 4:13

[itsyellabeau]

I once told someone, “If he really loves me, why wouldn’t he fix himself for me?”

But the truth that came out of me was softer, quieter, deeper:

I don’t have the right to demand that kind of change from anyone.

Because real love isn’t built on demands.

It isn’t begging someone to choose you,

and it isn’t shaping someone into who you wish they were.

Real love is freedom.

It’s release.

It’s letting someone choose themselves first, even when it breaks you a little.

I loved him enough to let go.

Enough to say, “Fix yourself for you, not for me.”

Enough to know that if our paths ever cross again,

it should be because God brought us back whole—

not because I clung to a half-formed connection.

I still long for him—my heart is honest about that.

But I no longer long through him.

I long toward God, the One who loves me completely,

the One who never leaves me waiting or wondering.

Jesus is the love that stays, the love that holds me every second.

And so I am choosing a different kind of love now—

a love that is whole, not fractured.

A love that is steady, not desperate.

A love that grows from two healed souls rather than two hurting ones trying to fix each other.

Letting go was not weakness.

It was wisdom.

It was faith.

It was the quiet choosing of dignity over fear.

Because if that love returns to me renewed, grounded, and guided by God,

I will welcome it with an open heart.

And if it does not, then I will still stand whole—

because I chose myself, I chose peace, I chose God.

This is my reflection.

This is your reflection.

Woven together, it becomes a single truth:

Love is not about forcing someone to choose you.

Love is becoming whole enough to know you never have to ask.

[itsyellabeau]

My dearest,

I don’t know if you’ll ever understand this, but even after everything, I still find myself protecting your name. Not because I’m blind,

not because I’m holding on —

but because I remember the parts of you that no one else ever saw. People will always judge based on the ending, but I lived the story. I know the way you cared in your own ways, the quiet efforts, the intentions you didn’t always know how to show. And maybe that’s why I still speak softly when your name comes up.

Not to erase the hurt —

I felt it, deeply —

but because the good in you still deserves to be acknowledged. I defended you today.

I don’t even know if you would have done the same for me, but that’s not the point. The truth is, I protect the people I love, even when the world says I shouldn’t anymore. It’s just how my heart works. I wish you knew that.

I wish you knew how much I tried to understand you, to believe in your intentions, to trust that somewhere in you was a version of us that could’ve lasted.

I don’t know what your plans are now, or what you’re trying to build without me. I hope—genuinely—that it’s for the better. I hope you grow into the person I saw in you when no one else did.

And as for me…

I’m learning to carry this quietly. To let go without bitterness, to heal without turning anyone into a villain. This isn’t me asking for you back. This is just me finally giving space to what my heart never got to say:

Thank you for the moments you were good to me. And even though it hurts, I’m choosing to remember them. That’s the part of you I’ll keep.

And the rest… I’ll let God take care of.

I’ll see you soon,

Norielle. ❤️

[itsyellabeau]

Since I rarely talk to people, and nothing to share my random thoughts with. I just decided to film myself while talking about how good God is, how He still accepts me despite all my sins, all my flaws, all my shortcomings. How I realize that I’ve been close to Him ever since I was a kid, how I used to always talk to my guardian angel when I was a kid, how it was okay for me to be alone because I wasn’t really alone. I always have God and my guardian angel with me. So I was crying cuz God is so nice to me and I take Him for granted. He’s so nice!! 😭 Yet she gives me a lot of blessings, He makes sure I have enough food to eat, He makes sure I’m healthy. Di ako nagkamali to choose Him, because I know God chooses me too.

[itsyellabeau]

Love asks for space — space to grow, space to heal, and space to listen to God’s timing.

So I let go, not because I stopped loving, but because I believe love deserves to rest in peace and not in pain.

I still pray for him. I still wish him goodness, healing, and light.

And I still believe — deep down — that if we are meant to cross paths again, God will align it perfectly.

Maybe that will be our third string — the moment when everything we’ve learned apart finally makes sense together.

But even if it never happens, I know that what we shared was real, and that it shaped me into someone who can love deeper, wiser, and closer to the way God loves.

So tonight, I’ll rest in that faith — trusting that every encounter, every goodbye, and every quiet moment in between is part of a divine story that’s still being written.

Loving deeply,

Y.

[itsyellabeau]

✨ My Journey with God ✨

There was a time I questioned God: “Why am I always down? When will it be my turn to rise?”

But in those quiet months, I learned to surrender everything to Him. I started journaling, pouring my heart out, and trusting Him fully. For 3 months, it was just me, God, and my late-night talks. And in those moments, I felt His presence more than ever.

Slowly, He healed me. I began to love myself more than I ever had. I became the best version of myself not because life suddenly got easier, but because I finally saw His light guiding me.

And then blessings followed: Cally came into my life, I passed my NCLEX, I got my first job as a nurse. I never looked back at my past, and I carried God’s Word in me every step of the way.

Now, I get to share this same faith with Cally, helping him in his own season of struggle. It’s fulfilling to be guided by God and to help guide others too. Truly, His timing is perfect.

📖 Philippians 1:6

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

[itsyellabeau]

Life update: I’m a nurse now.

-Yel, 27

[itsyellabeau]

"And that’s when I realized I’m slowly healing—finally catching a glimpse of the woman I want to become."

I’m no longer afraid to speak my truth. For the first time, I can truly feel the self-respect I’ve been longing for. A kind of self-respect I once believed I didn’t have in me. Who would’ve thought I’d find the confidence to open myself to new ideas, to listen, to learn from my mistakes, and to communicate freely about what I like and don’t like?

I think I’m slowly healing from all the heartache I caused myself. The mistreatment, the self-sabotage. I forgive the version of me who didn’t know better. And if someone else can have the courage to embrace my messy side, then I should be able to do that too. So I’m choosing to embrace all of me; the good parts and the flawed ones.

I can finally see a glimpse of the woman I want to become. Someone who listens, reflects, and grows. Someone who accepts who she is but still chooses to evolve not for others, but for herself. Someone brave enough to step outside her comfort zone. Someone who shows herself kindness.

Someone with the strength and spirit to rise every single day.

[itsyellabeau]

I may not always feel confident, but I trust myself enough to rest, reset, and rise again. That’s love. That’s power. That’s me.

[itsyellabeau]

Becoming HER

I am not who I was a year ago.

Not even who I was a month ago.

I am becoming. Quietly. Strongly. In my own rhythm.

My goals? They’re not easy.

They demand my time, my focus, my discipline.

But they are not impossible.

Because I am no longer wishing—I’m working.

I want a career that speaks to my purpose.

To wear scrubs not just as a uniform, but as armor—

proof that I made it through every sleepless night, every self-doubt, every breakdown.

I want to look in the mirror and say,

“She’s a nurse. And she earned every bit of that name.”

I want a life where peace is non-negotiable.

Where I wake up knowing I’m no longer chasing love that confuses me.

I am love.

And the people in my life are reflections of the calm I chose to build.

I want to create things that matter

not just care plans, but moments, memories,

art from my hands, laughter from my lips,

spaces where my inner child feels safe to play.

I want to be present for my healing.

To not just survive, but thrive.

To feel deeply but stand firmly.

To be soft and strong. Tender and clear.

Babied but also brave.

I know I won’t get there overnight.

But I’m walking there now

step by step, breath by breath, win by quiet little win.

And maybe someday, someone will ask me:

“How did you become her?”

And I’ll say

“I never stopped trying. Even when it hurt. Even when I missed people. Even when I didn’t recognize myself. I kept going.”

Because this version of me?

She’s not the dream.

She’s just the beginning.

[itsyellabeau]

1 Peter 5:6

I remember always looking for answers—a way to find peace in my heart whenever it aches. I’d always ask God for reassurance, and almost every day, He would provide me with answers. Scriptures. Verses. I’d open the Bible that was downloaded on my phone and read the verse for the day, and I always take that as my answer.

So this morning, way before I opened my Pearson VUE account to see my results, I looked for answers and I got 1 Peter 5:6, which goes like this:

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.”

I’ve studied, prayed, cried, doubted, and hoped… and now I’m in that waiting moment. The “due time” part is right now. So without hesitation, and with Cally on the other line, I took the courage to open my results

and I finally passed.

I am now a Licensed Vocational Nurse.

I am so thankful for being this strong.

I am so thankful for not giving up.

I’m so thankful for all the people who believed in me and for what I’m capable of. I guess God loves me so much that He wants to see me live my life to the fullest—

and I will not disappoint Him.

I will keep choosing life, as life chooses me.

To anyone still waiting for their ‘due time’ hang in there. It’s coming.

Yel, 27 (your new grad nurse)