♪ I’m a mad man for your touch, girl
synop: life has never been easy to you. however, jay shows you that despite everything, you're worthy of love
now playing: infinity - jaymes young
pairing: park jeongseong x fem!reader
warnings: reader has alzheimer's and asthma, chronic diseases, asthma attack, breathing issues, reader is orphaned, mean colleagues, angst, swearing, suicide attempt, smut (not really descriptive), virginity loss, fluffff
a/n: this story was a request and idea by @vernorica123. I hope you like it and that it met your expectations <33 also, i'm very very sorry if anything written about alzheimer's is an inaccurate depiction
life was never easy for you.
your parents were taken from you at such an unfortunate young age, leaving you in their sibling's care. sure, you adored your aunt and she took care of you well, but she could never fill the void in you yearning for a real parental figure.
as if your already fragile mental state wasn't bad enough, your brain decided to betray you too. you began to find yourself struggling to recall a conversation you had just a few hours ago. familiar hallways felt like uncharted territory.
the diagnosis came like a cruel joke life threw your way.
alzheimer's. decades before it should've been possible.
aside from the pain it brought you, it left you wondering about your parents. was this also something you had inherited?
you had spent countless nights with your head on your aunt's lap as she thread fingers through your hair, telling you stories about them. how you had your mom's eyes. your dad's impatience.
it gave you something to smile about.
that, and your art. which you kept hidden. it wasn't embarrassing. you knew you were talented. yet, your drawings felt like something precious to be kept in your heart and your heart only.
it's not like your peers would've understood them anyway. they rarely even understood you. most didn't even try.
as rough as growing up was, you made it.
you found yourself a home in seoul, south korea. one of the most famous newspaper agencies gave you a spot as a journalist.
one thing that never changed, though, was bullies. they seemed to follow you everywhere you went, even as colleagues in your new company.
but you tried your best not to let them or their cruel words bother you. you had your job, your art, and your shitty apartment. you couldn't deny it was cramped, yet it was home.
a home that you needed to stock up with food. most nights, after a late shift, cooking was simply too much trouble.
like tonight, where you found yourself at your street's convenience store. you pulled your raincoat tighter over your shoulder, shivering from the cold breeze outside.
the bell chimed as you stepped in.
what to eat, what to eat?
as usual, you followed the yellow sign over an aisle titled 'noodles' and stared at the large variety of noodles.
which one did i like last time?
you tried to focus on which instant ramen would be your dinner, yet all your mind could process was how cold it was in the un-airconditioned store.
without much warning, the breeze hit your lungs like a shard of glass and you began hyperventilating, throat wheezing.
all you registered was the faint 'ding!' of the door, followed by several footsteps.
your chest tightened painfully as your knees gave out, landing on the floor. your bag slipped from your grasp, landing a meter away.
you reached out for it, hand shaky, your lungs begging for any air it could use to power you to your inhaler.
you saw the patter of footsteps drawing closer to you in a hurry.
a deep voice called out from an aisle away 'hyung, she could be a creep-"
the man ignored him, rushing to kneel in front of you, eyes wide in concern.
"i-inhaler" you croaked out, voice barely coming out.
he nodded quickly and reached for your purse, shuffling through it until he pulled out your inhaler and handed it to you.
you accepted it, bringing it to your lips.
he stayed squatted down in front of you as you took deep breaths, your pace eventually slowing down and your breath returning to normal.
"th-thank you so much.." you said to the man, giving a weak attempt of a smile as your chest rose and fell.
"it's nothing..are you okay now? do you need me to call a paramedic?" he asked softly, eyes deep with worry.
"no, no, i'm okay now." you reassured him, trying to stand up.
he offered you his hand and assisted you in rising to your feet. his hand was warm, a stark contrast to the cold that almost killed you just a minute ago.
once you regained your balance enough to stand on your own, he crouched down again to gather your bag and items that went down with you.
as the last of the panic left your body, you took in his face. he looked good. celebrity level good.
a flush slowly rushed up your neck as he stood and handed you your bag.
"thank you so much, again," you thanked him, smiling genuinely this time.
"no problem," he chuckled before adding, "also, i'd recommend that flavour," he pointed to the pink packet of ramyun. "should warm you up."
you looked to the packet he was pointing at, nodding softly. "oh, thanks, uh..?"
"nice to meet you, y/n. take care, yeah?" he walked back to the group of half a dozen men waiting for him at the cashier, not giving you a chance to respond.
around a month and a half later (six months after your employment), your manager, kim siwoo, called you into his office.
you knocked on the pristine glass doors and he beckoned you to come in.
"good morning, miss y/n." he gestured for you to sit on the opposite side from him on his desk. you sat down, bowing politely.
"half a year in, i think you've settled in pretty nicely."
"yes, sir." you nodded, hands clamped together.
"that's great to hear. i've been reviewing the articles written the past few months to choose a candidate for a special article." he said, flicking through stacks of paper.
you gulped. special article? you nodded along.
"and, after thinking it over, i've decided that you are the perfect candidate." he pointed a finger at you, smiling.
"oh, thank you, sir. what is the article about, though?" you smiled back shyly, though excitement grew inside you.
"we'll be sending you to hybe labels, the entertainment company, for an interview with one of their groups."
you hadn't heard of them before. or had you? whatever. all that mattered was that you were being offered an interview.
"so, what do you say?" he asked.
a week later, you stepped out of the company car and into the huge hybe labels building, the receptionist guiding you to the room where you were to perform the interview. inside sat 7 chairs, 3 on top, 4 below, and on the side was a single chair, 'interviewer' taped to the back.
the director that your company sent along, jia, took the director place behind the large window at the front of the room. you were handed a microphone and script.
soon, 7 boys walked in, laughing and chatting behind their manager. you frowned slightly. where have you seen them before..? they seemed eerily familiar. maybe you had just seen them online? they were famous.
after exchanging polite greetings to the members and their manager, the crew filled in to the recording booth behind as the recording began.
the members introduced themselves to the camera like clockwork.
when it came to the last man on the bottom right, your heart fluttered a bit faster at his sweet smile. a smile you've definitely seen before.
then, he greeted the camera, "hi, i'm jay, happy to be here."
you knew that name. yet you didn't at the same time.
you shook off the usual itch in your brain trying to remember who this person was and forced a smile, beginning the interview.
you asked your given questions, laughed when appropriate, yet the whole time your eyes kept drifting to jay's, and his found yours every time.
finally, after the director deemed it the perfect take, the boys stood up to stretch and drink water. you did the same. jay stood up and walked towards you.
"hey, you're y/n from the supermarket, right?" he smiled, bringing your attention the the dimples on both sides of his face.
the gears finally clicked in your mind.
the guy from the supermarket.
the guy that gave you your inhaler.
your cheeks tinted pink, suddenly embarrassed by the memory of him seeing you in such a panic. you tried to play it cool. "oh, yeah, that's me. it's nice to, uh, see you again."
"yeah, it is. what a small world." he chuckled, putting his hands in his jean pockets.
you were at a loss for words, partly from the awkwardness, partly from how hot his lazy smirk was.
when you didn't say anything, he took it upon him to continue the conversation.
"oh, um, was it obvious?" you asked, suddenly self conscious.
"no, not at all. you did really well," his eyes softened.
"oh, thank you." you offered a shy grin, cheeks flushing an even darker tint of red.
jay turned his head and saw his members packing up with the manager. "i better get going. but, before i do, would you like to..give me your number?"
you bit back a squeal. this handsome man asking for your number? it had to be a joke, right..? you stared in his eyes for a moment, looking for any impure intentions. when you couldn't find any, you pulled out your phone from your back pocket and handed it to him to type in his number.
a week letter, your chat with him remained empty.
well, what were you expecting? he was an idol, for god's sake. he definitely had better things to do then text some girl.
despite your disappointment, you didn't allow yourself to get too upset about it. he was just a man, after all. you too had better things to worry about.
a late night shift and a forgotten grocery list led you to walk to the 24/7 convenience store once again.
you pushed open the door, the bell now a familiar sound, and headed straight to the ramyun section.
a tall man with a hood over his head was there before you, looking through cup indomie. he shifted his head slightly at the sound of footsteps entering the aisle, and the sharp jawline peeked out of his hood.
you recognised it instantly this time. "jay?" you smiled.
"oh, y/n! noodles again?" he grinned. you nodded, moving to stand next to him.
"which one are you gonna get?" you inquired, following his line of sight.
"i was considering trying the oriental kind, but i dunno..."
"mm, how about we both try it?" you offered, picking one up and inspecting it.
he also took one. "deal."
you both walked to the counter together, placing your noodles. you reached inside your purse, but he softly shook his head. "no, i gotcha."
you frowned. "no, i can pay for myself."
jay ignored you pulling out his card. the shopkeeper gave you both a knowing smirk. "one bag or two?" she inquired, raising her eyebrow.
"two." you and jay said quickly in sync.
the lady scoffed playfully but obeyed, handing you two separate bags. you thanked her and walked out with jay. "do you need me to walk you home? it's pretty late." he asked.
"no, i live just across the street."
you bid each other goodbye and went your separate ways.
later that night, you had poured your hot water into the indomie and snuggled up in bed, taking the first bite and pulling out your phone to a message from jay.
j: you try the noodles yet?
you smiled and typed back. "yeah. they're good but not as good as the carbonara ones. u?"
you continued your online conversation for almost two more hours, getting to know each other. he told you about his members, his parents, his favourite films.
you opened up a bit to him too, telling him about your favourite films, your aunt, your ambitions.
eventually, though, the long day at work got to you and you fell asleep, leaving him on read.
he waited a few minutes, then:
j: goodnight, pretty girl
you and jay chatted daily between both of your tight schedules.
seeing his name pop up on your phone seemed to make you smile every day without fail.
you two were on a video call, him on his dorm couch, you sitting up on your bed.
suddenly, a loud echo of yells pierced from his phone.
"no you didnt! you literally cheat- oh, hi jay hyung!!!" the voice lowered down to normal and you heard someone plopping down next to jay.
"i heard a girl..!" one of the voices mumbled. from the corner of the screen, someone's eyes peeked up. "omg, is that the noona that interviewed us?!"
you smiled and waved shyly "hi, uh, niki was it?"
"yeah, but you can just call me riki." he shrugged.
jay rolled his eyes. "stop bothering her."
"no, it's fine" you laughed. they acted as if they were real brothers. from the way jay talked about them, you could tell they felt real too. "what were you guys arguing about?"
riki gasped, "okay, so jake hyung thinks he won mario cart when he literally cheated!!"
"i did not!" jake called out from the kitchen.
"okay, wrap it up." jay said. he sounded like a fed up dad.
from that day, riki practically saw you like an older sister.
and your infatuation with jay grew more and more.
how could it not? he was always so patient with you. he never belittled you like every other guy you've talked to.
you just hoped your feelings were reciprocated.
he did seem to care about you. or was he like this to everyone...?
jay's comeback preparation and your busy work routine had put some distance over you two for the past month or so.
as much as you cared about him, he seemed to drift away in your mind.
your daily calls reduced to once a week 'good morning' texts. sometimes even less. somehow, you were too occupied to notice.
too occupied by your job. and your coworkers, who ever since they caught you using your inhaler on a windy day, took every chance they could to make you feel as small as possible.
jay had told you not to worry about them.
but jay wasn't here right now while your colleagues sneered at you.
one of them leaned his elbow on your table, smirking. "why so quiet all the time, huh? you don't have anyone to talk to?"
you sighed and kept your gaze down. "piss off, kangmin." you mumbled.
"aw, why? you gonna cry?" he moved closer to you, sizing you down. his breath smelled of pure alcohol. "or worse, you're gonna stop breathing?"
you backed up, fear building up inside of you as your breath hitched. "n-no."
"are you sure?" he faked concern, tilting his head. "the little princess doesn't need her inhaler?" he shot you a smug grin.
"i said piss off." you made one last attempt to stand up for yourself.
he scoffed. "or what? look at you, you're going red. can't breathe, huh?"
you tried to stand up from your seat but he pushed you down by your shoulders. your hands shook as you tried to quickly reach for your bag, but he beat you to it. he yanked your purse from your desk, pulling out your inhaler and taking a few steps back, holding it up in the air. "looking for this?" he raised an eyebrow, lips quirking up in a cocky smile.
"give it!" you croaked, trying to grab it from him. he shoved you down to the floor, emptying out your purse, pausing at your sketchbook.
"oh? what's this?" he dropped your bag, pocketing your inhaler and opening the book.
"stop!!" you wheezed, attempting to stand up. your knees buckled, landing you on the floor again.
he flicked through the pages you held so dear to your heart, his face scrunched up in disgust. "oh, you draw? how cute." his voice held anything but admiration. before you could register his actions, he ripped out pages and pages of your drawings, scrunching them up.
and suddenly, you were a little girl again, bullies making your life a living hell for something they didn't understand.
you sobbed, reaching for your artwork.
after he satisfied himself by leaving the cover of your sketchbook empty, he dropped your inhaler on your feet, cussing you out as he walked away.
you cried, grabbing your inhaler and trying to calm yourself down.
after catching your breath, you wiped your tears, gathering your papers and unfolding them. they were creased and ripped. all your hard work. all the emotion and unsaid words you poured into these sketches.
the tears came back, running down your face as you stuffed everything back into your bag and stood up, heading to the one place you could cry freely.
you were on the floor in front of your aunt, head in her lap, tears staining her dress.
"shh, love, it's okay, he's gone now." she hummed, stroking your head, frowning further when your sobs came out louder. "we'll report him. you won't see his face again. just calm down, darling."
you sniffled, nodding softly and wiping your eyes.
from the coffee table behind you, your phone vibrated with a call. your auntie peered over your shoulder, beginning to smile.
"i dunno." you hiccuped, blowing your nose.
"then why's he calling you?" she furrowed her eyebrows, gesturing to your ringing phone. you looked over at the lit up screen.
you picked up your phone and answered it, bringing it to your ear.
"y/nnie, how are you?" a male's voice greeted you. y/nnie? no one calls you that except for people you're close to.
"who is this, sorry?" you asked.
"y/n, are you playing some kind of prank on me?"
"how do i know you?" you repeated.
"i'm jay! you know me, y/n. remember the noodles?" he insisted.
"noodles? sorry, i'm not understanding you." you said. your aunt tilted her head, waiting patiently.
".......i'll call you later, i guess." jay mumbled dejectedly, hanging up.
"so? who was it?" your aunt asked.
"he says he knows me, something about noodles and an interview..."
she went silent for a few seconds. "do you think you just...forgot him?" she asked gently.
you shook your head quickly. "no, no. i dont forget people anymore! i've gotten better!"
but your aunt knew you better than that. she carefully pulled your head back down to her lap. "i know, baby, but...it's still possible."
you shook your head again, picking up your phone to read your texts with jay. he was probably insignificant. you scrolled through your chat with him.
love hearts? good night texts? selfies?
was this guy actually....important to you? and you forgot him. just like that. your mind went back to how disappointed and hurt he was when you insisted you didn't know who he was. tears you just wiped off started pooling in the corners of your eyes again.
your aunt tried to convince you to stay the night, but you told her you had work the next morning and needed to get home. she sent you off with a few containers of food and a warm kiss to your cheek. but the warmth didn't seep through you like usual.
as you arrived at your apartment building, everything felt too stuffy. too stuffy for a cold night. instead of going to your flat, you went up to the roof of the building where you sat to clear your head.
you plopped down, legs hanging over the edge where the whole city skyline was in view.
the sun slowly moved down the clouds in hues of pink and red, casting a shadow over seoul.
your mind replayed your incident with kangmin earlier. how easy it was for him to push you. to make you cry.
how once again, you allowed yourself to be humiliated.
you lost your art. more than a year of your life documented in that sketchbook.
you wondered about jay. did he love you? did you love him?
you prayed you didn't. you'd forgotten people before. but never people you loved.
you looked down to the street below. mostly empty.
what if you just ended it?
no more worries. no more bullies. no more forgetting.
you acted without thinking, pushing yourself up to stand. one step. and your worries would be gone.
before you could let the wind take you, a screaming voice from behind you made you hesitate.
you turned. a tall man. sharp jawline.
he ran over to you and pulled you into his arms, far from the edge. his hands gripped your shoulders, his eyes full with fear. concern. and love.
"what the fuck, y/n! please, please don't do that!" he pleaded, eyes wet.
your heart tugged toward him like a magnet.
you didn't need to remember.
"jay.." you breathed out, lips parted.
"yeah, yeah it's me, i'm here, i'm right here.." he repeated, pulling you into a rib crushing hug.
you wrapped your arms around him, head on his chest.
"please, dont do that. you cant do that. people need you. i need you" his voice cracked.
"i forgot about you" you stated, barely a whisper as if the thought of saying it louder terrified you.
"i don't care, y/n! i don't care if you forget me. i love you. i'll always love you nonetheless."
you smiled. "i-i love you, jay." but as always, reality sunk in.
you remembered who he was.
an idol with a promising future that didn't need the baggage of a woman who forgets him.
you pulled back, shaking your head. "n-no..you can't love me. you shouldn't love me. you're an idol, jay..we can't"
you could see the heartbreak in his eyes, like a kicked puppy.
"don't say that." he cried, "please don't say that. i dont care what i am. i love you. i need you."
"i need you too." you admitted, swallowing.
"then don't say such silly things, love," he cupped your face and kissed your nose. "let's get you inside, yeah?" he carefully led you downstairs into your apartment.
your recollection of the rest of that night was foggy.
all you could recall was jay feeding you cup noodles, bundling you up into a blanket, and holding you all night long.
the next morning, you awoke in your bed, covered with blankets. but no jay.
"jay?" you called out, shooting up.
"shh, i'm here." he replied, pulling his jacket on, swinging his keys.
"where are you going?" you frowned.
he sighed. "i need to head back to the dorms. training. i didn't wanna leave you..."
you nodded softly. he was busy. you couldn't expect him to stay with you all the time.
"you could come with me and stay at the dorm while i train?" he offered after seeing your disappointed face.
"are you sure? i wouldn't wanna..impose." you perked up despite not wanting to bother him.
"yeah, of course. go get ready, i'll wait." he sat back down.
less than two hours later, you were sitting on his bed, scrolling on your phone and waiting for him to come back from training.
the dorm door burst open, riki walking in and lighting up at the sight of you. "noona!" he exclaimed. "jay hyung didn't tell us you'd be here."
"oh, sorry.. it was kind of last minute." you said sheepishly.
"don't worry about it." he said softly, sensing the tension in your posture. "how are you..?"
"not too bad. hyung will be here in a few minutes, so you don't have to wait much longer." he bowed goodbye and walked to his bedroom.
as promised, jay enter the room a few minutes later, closing the door behind him and sitting next to you. "hey." he greeted you softly.
"tiring. missed you." he admitted, carefully lacing his hands in yours.
"i missed you too." you looked down to your conjoined hands, how his thumb rubbed slow circles over your palms.
when you looked back up, his gaze was stuck on you, deep with adoration. you felt awkward beneath his stare.
"you're so pretty.." he mumbled, hesitating before brushing hair off your forehead.
you smiled in response, eyes finally meeting his.
"may i....kiss you?" he asked.
you swallowed. "you may."
his lips slowly found their way to yours, capturing them in a kiss so sensual your heartbeat jumped.
"you have my whole heart" you mumbled against his mouth, arms wrapping around his neck.
"and you have mine" one of his hands cupped your face, the other on your hip.
heat pooled in your lower belly. your love for him grew with his every touch, and a new feeling woke up.
not the filthy kind you'd heard about from your classmates in college.
the kind you'd read about in romance novels.
"jay.." you murmered. "need you."
"oh." he gasped softly in realisation. "are you sure, love?"
you nodded eagerly, moving his hand from your hip to your thigh.
he layed you down beneath him, being cautious not to put his full weight on you.
"we don't have to do anything you don't want to, y/n."
"i know...but i wanna feel it for the first time with you."
he smiled down at you, kissing your forehead. "any time you want me to stop, i'll stop."
he peppered kisses down your neck and your collarbone while his hand went up to your belt loop, faltering before looking down at you. you nodded in consent.
"i need words, darling." he double checked.
"yes." you said confidently. he chuckled before undoing your pants.
he touched you like you were the most precious thing in the world, like his life purpose was to pleasure you.
the whole time, he held you carefully and kept his thumb on your wrist to make sure your pace wasn't too fast, and his thrusts would slow down every time your breath hitched or your chest would rise and fall to quickly.
ever the gentleman, he made sure to draw out your orgasm before he even thought about his. he pushed you over the edge, cooing in your ear about how well you did for him.
when he felt his own release building up, he asked softly "you're not on the pill, are you?"
when you shook your head, he pulled out with a low groan to let it out on your stomach.
he kissed you again softly as you caught your breath. "how was your first time, angel?" he asked, looking into your eyes.
"amazing. thank you.." you mumbled drowsily.
"thank you for trusting me." he could tell you were too tired for a shower, so instead he went to the bathroom and came back with a damp cloth.
he wiped your thighs and tummy and gave you his pyjama shirt to put on.
you pulled it onto yourself, then bunched up your knees in front of you.
jay frowned and tilted your chin up to look at him. "what's wrong?"
"i-i'm...i'm just scared i'm gonna forget this." you mumbled. "i don't want to forget again."
he nodded slowly then cupped your face again, brushing your hair away from your eyes. "all our memories together are etched in my heart, baby. even if you forget, i'll always be here to remind you again. and to make new, wonderful memories."
"i promise." he linked your pinky in his. "now rest, okay? i'll be here when you wake up."
he gathered you into his arms, pulling his blanket over the two of you.
the soft thump of his heart under your ear helped you drift into sleep, his arms being the only thing around you.
and he loved you for infinity.
@lcvehyeon @amethyistheart @you-dont-know-my-name @itssaveryyyyy @gnab-topher @Hyunjinswife4ever @hash2013 @daphnnie @niku0704 @strawberristhings @certainstarfishmiracle
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