the final crawl - steve harrington imagine
summary: after Steve's disappearance on the final crawl, you're still recovering from the thought of losing him, even days after his return. (comforty/fluffy/angsty incoming)
word count: 2.5k
notes: this is kind of different to what I've done before, I have been coming back to this for months and just not liking it, so i wanted to finish it before I changed my mind AGAIN. I think I'm going to do a pt 2 to this, as I have a nice little idea for it. <3 masterlist is here if you fancy a gander at my other things!!
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Every movement from you this evening has been robotic. Making a cup of tea as you stare into the mug as the milk swirls into the liquid. Sorting out a few chores, like mindlessly vaccuming the hallways and sorting out the pile of shoes that seems to grow by your porch door. Now, you're finally sitting down to watch a movie, the first time you've done something remotely normal in the last few days. You have a feeling Steve only suggested this so it was just that, trying to get back to a sliver of normality.
Now, even on the sofa, as the opening credits start to roll, you're feeling anything but relaxed and Steve can tell. He reads it in the way you curl up in the corner of the sofa, the way your feet rub together and your hands are hidden between your thighs. It seems the feelings from the last few days have done anything but subside.
-
A few days ago, Steve returned from the final crawl crawl. This time, everything that could've gone wrong, went wrong, only you had no idea. The whole time, you were sitting by the walkie, with only your heartbeat thrumming in your ear to fill the silence. Usually, you got a signal that they had successfully arrived, then another signal when they were on their way back. This time, there was nothing. Not even a crackle of static. Your eyes burned holes into the clock as each minute achingly passed. Gradually, those minutes turned to hours, then those hours turned into a full day. A full day of nothing. Time lost all concept whilst they were away on that crawl.
You hadn't eaten, hadn't slept, hadn't been able to function, thinking that Steve and everyone else was gone. Just like that, without as much as a goodbye through the walkie. When you think about it, you hadn't even cried. Your body was just numb, numb to the possibility that Steve could be gone.
Late into the night, when your walkie eventually crackled to life, your empty stomach lurched and you winced as your chest tightened with shock. Brokenly, Dustin's voice came through. "(y/n)?"
Your fingers flew to the side button, "Dustin, yes I'm here. I'm right here." You realised how scratchy your voice came out, considering you hadn't spoken to anyone the whole time since they'd been gone.
A crack of static came through before Dustin spoke the words to make your heartbeat race, "We're coming home."
When Steve eventually arrived home, it was like he'd been gone for weeks. He looked so different. His hair mangled, his clothes covered in dirt, blood and other possible bodily fluids. His knuckles had cuts over them where blood had dried and darkened in the cracks of skin. He looked painful and you felt pain manifest itself within you just looking at him.
The pair of you didn't even speak a word to each other, you just took him in your arms when he appeared in the doorway, not squeezing too hard for fear he would break, and led him into the house.
-
Now, the pair of you have been sitting in the silence since the movie finished, the slow sound of the rise and fall of his breathing bringing you a marginal piece of comfort. During the movie, neither of you spoke. You usually pass jokes between one another about a plot hole or a questionable outfit worn by the main character, but tonight there was nothing. You could not recall a single part of the plot. Your mind was elsewhere. Little do you know, Steve found himself in a similar predicament, only he spent the time worried about you. Never do you usually stay this quiet throughout a film, he kept leaning over to check on you, if you fall asleep, he usually likes to carry you through to your bed so you're more comfortable.
Steve weighs up his options, he could potentially piss you off by asking or not ask and feel bad about not showing that he cares, that's the last thing he wants you to think. So, before rising from the couch, he places a hand gently on your leg from where he's sitting beside you. You were so far into your own thoughts that the subtle gesture startles you slightly, and he feels the muscles in your leg twitch with alarm. "Hey.." He starts gently and you quickly glance at his hand on your leg and then to him, "you good?"
Stiffly, you nod. You've never cried in front of Steve before and the thought of it fills you with dread. Being vulnerable with someone only got you hurt the last time, and you vouched to yourself that you would do everything in your power to keep these things to yourself. But there's something deep within you that is taunting you, the feeling of selfishness. You weren't the one on the crawl. You weren't the one who had to rescue dozens of kids. You weren't the one who nearly witnessed the death of your friends. You weren't the one who has had years of trauma and hell. You cannot let Steve see this.
"Of course! I'm fine." You flash him a very insincere smile, one you hope he will not decode, but of course he does. He knows you too well.
His eyes roam your face, trying to make out anything from your stare. Your eyes look tired and sad, when usually they're so bright and full of life. His reflect the same, and it breaks your heart to see it. He leans back against the sofa, keeping his hand firmly planted on your leg. He's not angry, he's not annoyed, he's just being patient. You keep your gaze fixed on him and want to cry just looking at him. He looks so concerned for you, so gentle and patient.
"Okay, as long as you're sure." He almost whispers it and gives you a small smile, which you return meekly. "You tired? Wanna head to bed?" He moves towards you and lifts himself from the sofa, you're still snuggled into the other corner as your eyes get heavy. A nod is all you can muster, so you shuffle yourself to a better position where he can slot one arm under your knees and one behind your back to lift you from the sofa. When you're secure, you place your hands around his neck and rest your chin on his shoulder, gently tracing your fingertips across his shoulder blades. Never again will you take his touch for granted.
When he reaches the bedroom, he places you down and you head into the bathroom to get ready for bed. Again, you move around robotically. Just moving through your routine in silence as Steve joins you to brush his teeth. Whilst brushing together, you lock eyes in the mirror before moving in to lean on his side, his arm hooking around your shoulders and giving you a slight squeeze.
An hour later, when you thought you'd be soundly sleeping, you're lying fully awake. Eyes fully adjusted to the light so that you can make out every line of paint on your ceiling. You know Steve is awake too, his breathing is not as heavy as it is when he's sleeping and he just turned over on his side to face you a little while ago.
"Hey, are you awake?" You whisper into the darkness as you turn to face Steve, placing your hand under your cheek to rest on. He drags himself towards you in the dark and places a hand on your arm, giving it a gentle squeeze. He takes a deep inhale, holds it for a few seconds then draws it out. "I'm sorry for waking you." You start, even though you suspect he's not yet fallen asleep.
"You didn't," he confirms, "I couldn't sleep." His hand is still resting on your arm, and he starts to scratch his fingers gently across your skin, causing goosepimples to rise.
With the comfort of the dark room and not having to look him in the eyes whilst you say this, you start to speak. "I thought you were dead."
Even in the darkness, you can almost see his facial expression, pained, tightly shut eyes and downturned lips. He's been beating himself up at the pain he has caused you over the last few days, on top of everything else that happened.
"I thought I was never going to see you again." You continue, shuffling slightly away from him and turning on your back. Staring up at the blank ceiling, "Those few days, I kept imagining what it would be like for the rest of my life, never seeing you again, never hearing your voice again, never shopping for groceries again, just never doing shitty little mundane things together again." At this point, your voice wobbles but you will yourself to continue. "I felt mad at you. Angry that you felt like this was your responsibility, that you and the guys had to do this. That human beings could suck this much that literal children were defending our town from..." here you stop as you consider the possibility of what might have been, had the group not been successful on that fateful crawl. You let out a deep breath, "But most of all I just hated the thought of you not coming back to me."
"(y/n).." Steve starts and you feel him inching closer, but you sit up and put the light on that sits on your bedside cabinet. Looking him directly in the face whilst he does the same to you. He takes a few seconds, drinking in your facial features that he thought he would never see again. Whilst he was there, in the upside down, all that played through his mind in those moments was how your lips curl up in a smile when you think something funny. How the skin creases ever so slightly in between your brows when you're confused, or he's teased you and you're trying not to bite. He thought of the feeling of your skin against his, the nights together that you wouldn't have anymore and how he was going to leave you, all alone, without a goodbye. He hated himself in that moment and has struggled to shift that feeling since coming home.
"I just couldn't believe there was a possibility that I was going to lose you." At this, the floodgates open. Your voice gets smaller, your throat feeling like it's constricting as tears well in your eyes and eventually drip over your lashes, blotting the sheets. You dip your head, your hair hanging around you as your shoulders heave, sobs tumbling out of you like you'd been unplugged. Steve doesn't say anything but sits up and takes you in his arms, clutching you to him so tight. In moments like this, actions heal more than words. Still, your sobs continue and you feel embarrassed. Embarrassed that it's you crying, and not Steve. "I- I just-" you start but cannot continue due to another sob escaping from you.
"Shh," he starts, bringing his hand to the back of your neck and giving it a small squeeze, he knows that brings you comfort, "Not yet. Just let it out, I'm here. We can talk soon, but I'm here."
Those words, those few simple words. Yet another violent sob wracks through your body and Steve almost keels over with guilt, feeling that he's done this to you. "But you weren't!" It comes out as a choked, horse scream. The loudness contrasting harshly to the previous quiet of the bedroom. "You almost weren't here, Steve!!" He holds you to him tighter, his stomach sinking horrifically. How could he have done this to you? “You were going to leave me! All alone, you were going to leave me. I thought you were dead!.”
After minutes have passed, and he feels the sobs have lessened, he moves his hand from your neck to your cheek. He can still feel the wetness from your eyes on his fingertips. Bringing his other hand up to the other side, he holds your head out in front of him, close enough that you can feel each other's breath. "(y/n), there will never, and I mean never, be a time where I won't feel guilty for what I put you through for the last few days. I need you to know there wasn't a single minute that went by that I didn't think of you. I am so, so sorry. The fact I've caused you this much pain, I'm just so sorry." Now, it's his turn. His eyes glass over, his lip trembles slightly he bites down hard in the hopes of stopping it. Failing to keep the tears from falling, you bring your hands up to cup his own face, your thumbs gently sweeping underneath his perfect eyelashes to catch the tears before they track down his cheeks.
"I don't want you to apologise. I don't want you to feel guilty, I'm sorry for making you feel like that." A beat of a pause, "I just couldn't bear the thought of losing you."
He can't respond, his shoulders shake ever so slightly as a sob silently ripples through him. At that moment, your hearts simultaneously break but come together stronger than ever before. In that moment, your strength as a couple intensifies.
After a few more minutes of just holding each other, you've slowly shifted so that he's sitting up, propped up against a pillow, and you're resting on his chest, tracing your fingers up and down against his side.
"I love you so much." Steve whispers into your hair as he leans down to kiss your head. "I'm so fucking glad that it's over." So many things he wants to say, but he still just feels so drained, so tired. He just wants to lay down with you, close his eyes and drift into a sound sleep where hopefully the horrors of the last few months will, for once, stay away from him in his dreams.
“Even the fact that you’re here with me now, just seems so surreal still.” You sniffle slightly, your voice sounding stuffy as your nose is blocked from crying. “We will have to rewatch that film, I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t concentrating on anything.” A small laugh huffs from you, the first one, it feels, in ages.
He laughs back and rubs your arm tenderly, “Oh, absolutely.”
Conversation does not come, and that’s okay. You both lie there for what seems like hours but will only have been fifteen minutes or so. The feeling of being together is so precious, yet so fragile, that only people who have been so close to losing each other will appreciate it.
He suddenly realises, in the blur of the last few days, he hasn’t kissed you. When he came home, all the pair of you could do was hold each other. Hold each other, be still, drink in each other’s presence again. Days have passed without the feeling of your lips on his, and he’s missed that. “Hey, c’mere.” His hand slowly moves from your arm, until it’s resting just below your chin, his fingertips gracefully caressing the spot beneath your chin until they rest there and tilt your face up towards his. As you look into his eyes, you recognise the feeling brewing inside you as the one you had before your first kiss. Your heart gradually speeding up, your mouth going dry with anticipation and the heat flushing your cheeks as he moves in closer to you. His lips softly brush across yours before you can’t bear the distance anymore and you close the gap. It feels brand new, like your first kiss, but better. This time, there’s the heat of emotion, the feeling of a love almost lost and the passion of finally closing the gap that temporarily grew between you both. All of those feelings together take it from one longing kiss, to Steve making you feel just how much he missed you.














