[iwanttospeakmymind]

human/sex trafficking-related dream.

this is making me shake right now as i’m typing. it’s been a strong fear of mine lately because of how much it’s been happening in our community, especially in sacramento. highest amount of sex trafficking in our city, especially near or at arden mall. it’s not a joke.

i think i was out with my friends at the club/bar just having fun, drinking, etc. [i was fucked as hell last night & got super crossed at my grand’s birthday party, my mindset in my dream last night was from how i knocked out.] for some reason, i started to notice that my friends weren’t in sight while i was sitting at the bar by myself. then out of nowhere, i was craving a cup of water because my mouth was so dry, but i had to go pee, but i didn’t want to leave an open cup. so i asked for a cup of water and planned to bring it to the bathroom with me.

i noticed a man across from me, signal to the guy that was sort of in the middle of us, on the side of the huge bar. i panicked. cause as soon as the guy that got the signal came to sit right next to me, i got my stuff and water, and walked away. i felt him following me. then once i got to the bathroom [weirdly it became my grandma’s downstairs bathroom], i turned to him [hella crossed] and he pretended to be harmless and asked “are you waiting in line for the bathroom?” i nodded my head as he walked away but i was determined to find help because i started getting so scared and paranoid.

the girl in the bathroom came out. i grabbed her tightly and begged, “please HELP ME.” she looked at me and then shoved me (lightly) into the bathroom. JUST AS he was coming back in, I closed the door so damn fast and he ran to the bathroom door and kept banging it, screaming “I’M GOING TO DIE. I’M GOING TO FUCKING DIE.”

in my head, my first instinct of that comment was that if he didn’t pull me in to sex trafficking or if he didn’t rape me that night, he’d die under the hands of the man that signaled him to target me.

similar to gang-related activities. if you don’t do what they say, they’ll kill you.

call me paranoid or whatever you want. i’m so scared right now and i cannot take any risks.

now i’m super awake and ded. last night was a blur.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

I should have died. I should’ve fucking died.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

Sometimes I have this awful thought that I will never be good enough for someone to want to spend the rest of their life with me. I don’t need anyone but I would love a companion and this thought cripples me.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it is that I truly loved you, and nothing can ever erase that. I loved you with nearly my entire heart and broke my own heart twice because of you. Honestly, I don’t think I would’ve done anything to change a thing from the past. To be honest, I’m glad you were the one to break my heart.

Thank you.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

You will never meet another female like me. This I promise you.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

I think, no matter how much time passes, I’ll always care for you.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

Overthinking is such a deadly characteristic to have. Fuck me for having it.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

It stings so bad to know that you found someone else who seems to be better for you. When I was supposed to be the only one for you. I guess I was never enough for you to stay and fight for our relationship; for us.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

Dec. 10, 2017.

It’s 5:30 in the morning. Holy fuck, I can’t sleep. I took a power nap and now i’m awake as shit. Let’s get to updating on my life, shall we?

I’ll keep Alan & I’s shit short and simple. We gave it a second shot, things were good for a week, I went home during the long weekend, and found out mid-next week that he cheated on me during the weekend. I had my mistakes, he had his. But it doesn’t mean I would cheat on someone. Men ain’t shit.

Okay sure. We weren’t dating. We were nowhere near exclusive among our friends, but we were talking. We were holding hands and he slept over the night before I left and we cuddled. That’s not what normal friends do. But over the weekend, our friend Eva’s best friend came down to Sac from SLO and he just thought it was okay go kiss her, make out, dry hump, and continue it the next morning, all done without even the thought of me. She came out with hickies. That’s considered cheating, right? Lmao, I hate men.

I later on found out from a friend, Jenica, who was present at the time. Funny thing here was, once Alan and Eva’s best friend made out, Alan and Kevin quickly told everyone there not to tell me anything about this. Their reasoning was, “they wanted Alan to be the one to tell me.” In the end, he never told me, I had to find out myself. I don’t know about other people, but in this case, my friends should’ve been the ones to tell me. Sure, he did the crime. But as my friends, y’all should keep me in check and not make me look stupid in front of so many people. While people knew, I knew nothing. He tried apologizing to me after he figured out that I found out about everything, but cheaters only feel sorry after they get caught up. Alan, you were never sorry. You never thought about me like you claimed you did. You never loved me like you claimed you did either. You’re a fucking joke. Same with Kevin. Kevin always had a way with manipulating our friends and became so toxic, I never knew how toxic he was until I cut him off. I am so happy and I cannot believe I had to deal with him all this time. I’m happy with these two out of my life. And sadly, I basically cut off Eva too. Those three are a package. I can’t continue a friendship with Eva if all I’m doing is acting fake. So I cut her off too.

Hah. So much for keeping it short. Sorry, I just wanted to get it off of my chest. I originally planned to vent on Tumblr right when it happened, but I had so much going on, I had no time. Now that time has passed, my anger has subsided and I’m doing better. But anyways, onto the next update.

Jerick. Hi. Hello. It’s been 8 1/2 months since our breakup. The only connection I’ve had with you since then is updates from your social media and seeing you at certain Fil-Am events. I have a confession to make. Lately, I’ve been thinking about you a lot more than usual. I think it’s because I heard about you through Gabe.

So here’s the breakdown. My close friend, Nicole, picked up triplets this semester, one being Gabe. Gabe’s girlfriend, Jamee, attends UOP and recently got picked up by Jerick. Jerick!!! What are the fucking odds. When I found out, I was so shocked. I told Nicole and she thought that was hella weird.

Of one of the all-nighters I pulled, one of them I spent bonding with Mikaela, Brevin, Kai, Alvean, and Gabe. Getting closer to Gabe was something I was not expecting, but over time my curiosity of if Jerick has ever mentioned me to him rose. I began to get curious and I wanted to ask.

Eventually I did. Before our Asian Civ class, I decided to tell him. “Hey Gabe... This is really weird to say but I was recently on my explore page and saw that your girlfriend got picked up by my ex.” “Really? Jerick’s your ex?” Yeah, something similar went along like that. He was shocked when I told him, because afterwards he told me, “Jamee told me Jerick is gonna transfer to Sac State next year and he has an ex here, who’s in SP and in CORE. He doesn’t want to join SP until a year after he transfers here because he feels like her and her friends hate him.”

Okay, the last part made me smile, but in a way where it didn’t make me happy, it made me slightly confused. Maybe it’s because we broke up that he thinks I hate him, but I don’t. Alright, I used to. I used anger to cover up my hurt over the break up. But I don’t anymore. If anything, I miss having him in my life. I know it’s better to have us live separate lives though, because if he was in my life as a friend, I would still love him wholeheartedly as a significant other. And that’s not good.

I do want him to join SP though. He is a joy to be around and there’s so many good people in SP. I don’t want him to miss out on such a good opportunity to meet new people just because of me. If he attends Sac State, might as well join SP to meet new people and get a good group of friends started.

Not gonna lie though... I’m starting to have thoughts of hope. My hopes of us getting back together are appearing again, knowing he’s still thinking of transferring to Sac State. It makes me hopeful that we might bump into each other and we might try to respark things again. I really don’t want to get back together, but I do. My heart still looks for him, despite my attempts of looking around for better people. I still believe he’s the only one compatible for me. I can’t see myself in a genuine, comfortable relationship with anyone but him.

I don’t know. My heart’s a mess. I’m planning on deactivating my social media during break, so I’ll be on tumblr more. Maybe deactivating them will clear up my mind on what I really want right now and in life.

See ya in a bit, Tumblr.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

Finals week.

Dear Alan,

Hey. This must be super random (if you were to actually read this) since we haven’t talked for a long while. It’s been since May. We just fell off, and I can’t tell whether it was my fault or yours. Regardless, I’ll always think it’s my fault we stopped being friends, but it was your fault for pushing us to this point.

Ever since we separated and explored our own summer 2017 with our own group of people back home, I had so many unanswered questions. Why did you ask to hang out knowing you had a girlfriend? Why didn’t you ever mention her when we would hang out for hours at a day? Did you have any feelings for me during the times we hung out? Was I just a person to fill the void your girlfriend had set in your life? Was I not enough?

I absolutely hate asking myself the latter to the people that have walked away from my life. I will never understand what I did for them to walk out one by one. And sadly, you were one of them.

I admit, I have the worst defense mechanism EVER. I apologize for that. How can you expect me to hit you up when I already know you have a girlfriend? You assumed I knew because Philip knew and we hung out a lot, but that doesn’t justify why you never ever mentioned her. What if I was that slow and clueless? I’m not stupid. You would’ve led me on. You already unintentionally led me on during dead week and finals week of last semester. Funny how you think I don’t like you. You knew exactly what you hid from me. That was the biggest part about you. So to answer your question: No, I do not dislike you. But I would not put in effort to talk to you again.

I chose to leave you alone because there was no point in us talking. I felt so stupid to have grown feelings over the little things we did. You have a girlfriend waiting for you at home. I’m pretty damn sure you didn’t feel anything for me except as a friend. It would have been so difficult to be your friend while I harbored some sort of feelings for you. It sucked, but the silence between us and my busy summer schedule slowly made me forget about you.

Until you fucking walked into Ethics. I tried to avoid your line of sight because I was so uncomfortable. Out of all classes, why with me.

I don’t know where I was going with this. But anyways I’m gonna end it. Thank you Marin for telling me everything he said when he was high. This is the closure I wanted but never needed, but it puts me at peace. Thank you.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

It's been 5 months since we broke up. Within those 5 months, I saw you around at 4 different occasions. Graduation. The LM showcase. Delta. Jessa's debut. There were also other occasions where I knew you were there, I just didn't see you. I heard your loud ass booming voice. It's so hard to have to hold myself together when I see you. Do you know that? Every time I see you, whether on good terms or bad, you seem to make my whole body weak. Any form of wall I try to build over a time period without you, once your presence is around, those walls break. Yes, it sounds dramatic. It sounds ridiculous and so fucking extra. But that's exactly how you make me feel. I feel great on days when I'm pre-occupied and busy. That's when I don't think about you and life is good. But on days when I'm free of chores and school, my mind wanders to you again. How are you, Jerick? That's a question I'd like to ask you. There is something stubborn about me that I want to explain to you, even though you will never read this. Remember when I asked to stay friends after we broke up, even though I refuse to talk or even look at you? Please understand that this is my form of defense mechanism. I hated when you blocked me. Every time you did that, I think about you more and more each day. You caused me to be so fucking curious about your life, it just pissed me off. To remain as friends, or seem like we're friends on social media, kind of makes me feel better. I know for a fact that I cannot talk to you in person. I freeze up and get nervous, which causes the redness in my face. You still make me nervous. So with social media, I can see how you're doing without having to go through the trouble of actually speaking to you. I do miss you, I miss you as a person as well as the good parts of the memories we shared. But just like how I would never go back to smoking weed every day as a routine, I cannot go back to you as a routine either. You've broken my heart too much and it makes me sick if I were to go back. I cannot go back to the repetition of constant heartbreak and constantly fucking wondering why I'm not good enough. Why you always leave. Why ANYONE but me is more worth your time. I will still think about you. I will still talk about you here and there. And I will definitely still stalk your Instagram and Twitter. But eventually one day, I won't. So in the meantime, I'll just do what I have to do to survive. I'm pretty sure that you don't want to get back together either. I was a fucking mess.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

i dreamt of jerick last night again. it really fucking sucks that my mind wanders to him during the most random parts of the day, and on some nights when i fall asleep, he appears in my dreams. this time, we were hanging out with some friends. i can't remember who, and i don't even know if they were my friends in real life. but a few of them and i, plus jerick, were watching a movie. jerick and i were in our honeymoon stage, and while we were watching the movie he just kept kissing me. and you know those deep kisses, where you honest to god feel bliss while they kiss your lips? i've felt it before, and i deadass felt it last night. kissing him in my dreams last night felt so real. i was genuinely happy being with him. i remember taking a moment to look up at him, and both of us smiled and laughed together. nothing excites me more than to take these little moments to look at him and just appreciate how good i got it with a man that loves loved me and wanted me just as much as i wanted him. but nothing lasts forever. and he definitely showed that to me. i wish i could hate you. i really wish i had the strength in me to despise you for breaking my heart twice. but i know i can't. i'll always have love for you, no matter what happens in the future. you were my first love, and i can't get rid of that from my past. this dream was definitely something.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

i crave for your intimacy so bad sometimes.

it gets awful when i’m sitting right next to you and i can’t do anything about it.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

okay this shit is so weird. for the past FOUR consecutive nights, jerick has always been in my dreams. we talk, or well i felt emotion when i saw him in every dream. last nights dream i was at a friends house party, in a house i did not recognize at all. but he was there, and he was trying to get my attention but i didn't bother to pay him any. i was annoyed. you can't come back into my life and just expect me to take you back. well in reality, you didn't do that, but i would expect you to, since you did that to me a couple of times in the past. i remember being high and you called my name, then asked me if i'm sleeping here or going home. i took so long to move my head up to respond that the situation kinda went away. lmao, i hate being high. the next morning, i expected you to leave since you'd be the type to leave early in the morning to head back home. but when i woke up, you were there. and i woke up bothered again. then out of nowhere, you started talking to me, mentioning something that i had bought before, and that you recently bought it for yourself. what the fuck? leave me alone. i don't care. i swear, i wake up not giving a shit about you. i've been really fine, going through my days, occupying myself with pcn practices and studying. but somehow, my unconscious state of mind always draws you in. and that's shitty, because i shouldn't miss you. i shouldn't miss the fact that you changed to a completely different person and you are no longer the same person i fell in love with. i need to fucking move on.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

Why did you allow yourself to break me in the end? In the beginning, you were so sure and so set on making us work this time, and for us to last. What happened?

[iwanttospeakmymind]

After two serious tries of loving you, and each time ended with me heartbroken, I know well enough that a third time will not be needed.

It’s only been a little over a week since our break up, and yeah sure I’m dying because what kind of serious break up wouldn’t hurt? But I’ve been doing fine.

I’m very proud of myself for cutting out Instagram, Twitter, and Snapchat out of my life for a good week. It definitely helped a lot with getting over you. Not seeing your updates works very well in keeping my mind off of you. Although I still think about you here and there throughout each day, it would’ve been worse if I was walking through campus and stumbled across something related to you that would’ve broke my heart. I hope to keep those social media networks out of my life until I’m over you enough to come back. And then I’ll delete them and start fresh.

I’ve really been doing fine. And I hope to get better from here.

[iwanttospeakmymind]

April 2nd, 2017. 5:40 PM.

Sunday.

It’s been a little over 24 hours since we broke up. We had our closure yesterday, which was April Fools. Funny, right? I hope he didn’t take it as a joke, because I was completely serious the whole time.

It hurt. It really did, a lot. I felt like I lost the only motivation I had to live a happy life. It sucked that I made him the center of my happiness, but I chose to do it, so I take the blame for it now.

Honestly, it could have went much worse. Compared to a year ago around this time when we broke up last year, I had such a hard time getting closure from him. He refused to see me, made excuses, and when I did get the chance to see him, he was completely uninterested in wanting to talk, which broke me. Seeing how the one person who showed me love, turn away from me, was the hardest thing to witness. I allowed this person back in again, so I deserve this pain. And it hurts so much more.

Jerick, I hope you realize one day how good you had it with me. I hope that, one day, you’ll finally mature as a man and realize you lost a good girl like me. I really tried my best to make you happy. I wanted to be the best girlfriend for you, a wife-material girlfriend so when you did decide you wanted to introduce me to your parents, I would be the one for you. I wanted to take care of you as if we were already married, and I was the wife making sure the husband would be on the right pace on the right track. I just really wanted the best for you, but you didn’t want the same for me.

Wow, I’m so stupid. I’m crying my heart out once again because it’s so fucking hard to talk about this now. I hate that you broke me again and you’re still fine. Sorry. Let me continue.

Yesterday, I told you almost everything that bothered me with our relationship. I noticed that you paid more attention to texting your ate than you did with me. You even changed their text tones to different ones, while mines stayed the same as with everyone else. You knew you were going to be busy for PCN, so I let you practice as much as you wanted. Even after it ended, you still had no time for me, and yet made no effort to try to make time for me. You knew our relationship was going downhill, but you let it keep going until it brought us to the end of us.

I will never understand why you always had the mentality to let us go when things get rough. Do you think that, once we break up each time, after a couple of months, you realize what you did and come back, that I’d let you in? No. Not this time. This is the end of us, and we will never be anything again.

This time, you chose wanting to be in Kore and wanting to lead your own workshops over me.

This time, our breakup was worse because even if there was something to fight for, you chose to let go. You didn’t bother fighting for me.

I could’ve been your support along the journey to your goal of becoming a teacher. But I was too hard to handle. And that’s okay. It’ll be okay.

I hope this will be the last post about you. I really wish we never got back together, but thank you for the good parts of our relationship this time. I was genuinely really happy, but I wish I wasn’t happy with you, but with someone else that could’ve been better for me.

Good luck in life. Please do not ever contact me again.