I had a dream where this exact thing played out, so I made this last night and immediately wrote a script to go with it afterword so people could follow along.
CUSTOMER 1 [high pitched, timid voice]: (Directed toward the Chef) Excuse me, are you the chef of this fine esablishment?
CHEF [with an inexplicable accent]: Why, yes lad, that would be me. Now, right then. Have you anything to ask of me?
CUSTOMER 1: Uh, yeah I ordered my steak, um… well done, but it’s uh, it’s medium rare so could you just-
CHEF [furious]: HAVE YOU CONSIDERED PERHAPS NOT DOING THAT?
CUSTOMER 1: What? Do what? What did I do? What?
CHEF [still furious]: WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD!
CUSTOMER 2: (sharpening his table knives with a whetstone he inexplicably has)
(The ambience dies at the sound of this. Customers stop talking and the sound of cutlery and plates moving gradually fades out as everyone in the restaurant turns their attention to Customer 2.)
CHEF [as CUSTOMER 2 is sharpening]: Sir? Sir what are you doing? Are you sharpening your knives in my restaurant? Sir, could you please stop that? It’s making quite a lot of noise and drawing a lot of attention. SIR!
CUSTOMER 2 [With slightly lower pitched voice than CUSTOMER 1]: (stops sharpening his knives) What?
CHEF: Could you please not sharpen your knives in the restaurant? You’re intimidating my customers.
[Longer beat, it is dead silent save for the soft piano over the speakers, you could hear a pin drop.]
CUSTOMER 2: (Ignores CHEF’s request and continues to sharpen his table knives.)
CHEF: (Takes matters into his own hands with a trusty Remingon Model 870.)
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