GLORY

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I actually started a substack and did not need to do it at all. I actually just recreated my tumblr dashboard on there?

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workin’

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chewing the inside of my mouth and holding in my urine trying to guide my self out of the delusion

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out of practice psychologist box of yodels, golden fish rosey cheeks, uneven and wet paying more for a different bed

fingertips callused from much too tightly holding on sheets the scent of my day job passing hours pass too long

left fruit in the fridge last week slept and sweat out all my strength woke up in a pool nearby stared until you said good bye

now my eyeballs are in your hands you held them tighter than my hips I’m a lady but i fib you never shared my love to swim

when you put me in my place time speeds up and there go days my mind is racing and winning now my arms and legs shout out slow down

i don’t know other languages i’m starting to forget english a cryptic note I’ve left myself is just as poignant as it smells left it in the fridge last week sleep and sweat out all my strength woke up in a pool nearby stared until you said good bye

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saw a diamond ring and shouted "marry me" across streets and avenues to you it's not that serious it's that I need you and the stability of you and the softness and the wickedness and the wetness and the emptiness When I open like a book, the page is reflective.

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no experiences just a cloud

a reflection becomes a chore fermenting into a surprise in a day in a week in a year

i wish i felt anything else more often

my life is moving too fast and is just an empty space my skin is an empty space why do i even try to be poetic. my life isn’t beautiful. its ugly and tired and angry. my life is nothing special. my life is wasted by me. my life is no good. false false false false false false false false false false false false false false false false false false false false

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wanna feel your head wanna feel my muscles tense up wanna relax wanna love you wanna know what you wanna wanna be held by you wanna touch wanna know what you wanna wanna be on the same wavelength wanna go somewhere with you wanna create the future we hoped for wanna become what you wanna-me to wanna be my own woman wanna be your woman wanna understand wanna grow

[ja-ckpot]

u fucked me to get respect from your father u fucked me because u were high u fucked me because I told u to u fucked me because I let u u fucked me u fucked me u fucked me because ur friends fucked me u fucked me because u've never fucked before u fucked me because u were lonely I fucked u because that's what I'm here for

[ja-ckpot]

a porn star is born!

I think it was when i was 12 that i realized i am truly alone in the world. when i realized that love didnt exist and that i was invisible. that it didnt matter what i did or didnt do. that a bed was an altar for the carcass that some ghost inhabited. the whole of ‘me’ is an empty promise, a soft breeze beneath a blazing sun on the 42nd street pavement. 

i laid in my room alone. “i’m all alone”. my mouth like a peeled banana posing as a rainbow. a ribbed bottle of sweet pea lotion would soon be covered with an innocent lipid. 

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why do I think I'm important because I look nice?

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Plastic sun Thanks, you too

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waves of black Tune of the midlife empty leaves a space for me Rubber piles Rigid patterns Soothing empty space My earth dies with my aging and stretching heart Loosening it's grip to welcome another Reach for me I whisper and vacantly glisten Shaking Melting Soothing empty space Sleep sounds and darkened stone

[ja-ckpot]

a break.

Do you want to see my ribs? Do you lust for the color Pink? ... Is this because you don't know how to if not? You don't even touch my hair why do I have to sweat. ... Do you want to caress my legs or see them from The House? I'm sorry that I don't want to be.

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funny girl; she was blinded by the fluorescent light in the kitchen, she thought

personal crisis political crisis WORLD crisis i don't know what to do aside from knowing and this knowledge only freezes me in place... even when I know there is a possibility of change. 

I can’t stop thinking about my own personal problems that have no affect on the world. nothing even in passing. and how selfish it is to feel the desire to become an issue for someone else. I am so angry at the meaningless effort I force myself to put out into the universe I am so exhausted. I have been pushing myself to wake up and walk out of the front door since I was 13 and thankfully 7 years later I can fully rely on myself for that same jolt. I know I’ll always be able to see the outside, to see the space I can make for myself and to entertain myself with views that are backwards and inward from the perspectives in this new space.... the images may become twisted but this is only the finished image not the image in the tunnel. 

I don't understand how people cannot even formulate tolerance for one day in their lives. Do you-- the one who denies me, the one who denies them-- know the feeling of suffocation? Do you know the circumference of your neck? Do you know the intricacies of the ache in your muscles and bones in your shoulders and spine and your neck? Do you know the silence of FUCKING STOP THAT OR ELSE? Do you ever notice that you consume specks of dirt.

My mom told me that I was sweet when I was 

maybe 10

she spent at least $300 on these toys that I had been collecting for about a year or two and then I gave them to my younger girl cousin who developed a fascination for them at some point. I wanted to give her more...

and when she showed her admiration for me by following me up and down and inside and out of my grandma’s house 

I could not handle it! I yelled and locked her away in separate rooms and she couldn’t figure out how to escape. 

I am a terrible person and I don’t deserve comforting thoughts because you did not understand the extent of  

you do not understand the extent.

I don’t deserve goodness or power or adoration. I simply need love and hope and freedom and distance and forgiveness and often silence and above all, truth. 

please read this and see it elsewhere. 

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ode to Before

i am the fan over there on top of the radiator. 

“vornado”

you are the white fan that people usually have in their windows, but you’re on the floor,

here, by me

by my actual body and its scents and sounds

look at us play

and try

and fail 

and try

and fail

i will always look for you in everywhere and every-whom

here, you can see me more than I can see you

but i see the ceiling and it is white

too.

it is where it should be but that is all I can gather from it

you have a better view.

i need the person you were and the best part of your new self. 

I can’t escape the radiator. If I fall over I won’t matter anymore because the space will heat up and we wouldn’t be able to agree on anything. 

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no oh no…

waiting for you

oh i’m waiting for you

the only time i do anything

is

when i wait for you…

where

is

the

answer

I’ve

been

looking for?

and I

always

thought i

could take it

i thought i could not

do more than

one thing

just one thing at a time

best as

i could

but

now

i

see

its not true

i learn

from you

i’ll do what i need to do

what i need is to learn from you

i’m so willing!

i’m so willing!

i’m so willing!

i’m so willing!

i’m so… willing to… find... something..

through your voice

through your noise

through your truth

i’ll find something as good as golden fruit

i know

...as good as gold,

you told me so...

[ja-ckpot]

this imaginary willow tree 

servs as a mirror glorifying self pity

I ache to smash the mirror but I stutter at the  start

I'm never sure of how much more bad luck fits in my heart

Oh willow tree you comfort me in knowing there is life

Outside of me is mystery as well as deep inside

But the voice with which I speak, clearly it resides

Remaining the smallest thing, refusing to hide

Remaining the smallest thing, with courage I admire

Willow willow so complex

Willow willow come protect me

Willow leaves and leafy stems

Willow branches

Never ending dedication to the state in which your roots both rest and fray

Glory willow

Glory to the willow tree