Stuck In A Repeating Pattern

kan/aubree ☆ 23 ☆ kin side blog ☆ mainly kanaya

[homestuckuserboxes]

[jademeddler]

I Just Really Love Rose Lalonde

[agentsokka]

Happy Valentine’s Day!

[love-personal]

[jademeddler]

embarrassing a bit but!!! this just makes me very happy… everyone is here too and they’re doing well and I could find them if I wanted to but… we might not need it? I’m just so genuinely happy knowing everyone is okay. our tl Sucked a Lot and I know this world is pretty fucking awful too but…. we’re all still here after everything. we’re going to be okay.

I wish I could tell everyone I love and miss them. rose and karkat especially but everyone. the ones I had problems and fights with, the ones I wasn’t all that close to. we were a part of something amazing and we will continue to be.

we’ll see each other again! even if it isn’t in this life, even if it isn’t in the next. we’ll see each other again and I hope I can hug them and love them again.

I can’t wait.

[jademeddler]

no one is actively looking for me but I'm not Actively looking for them either so that's not Hurtful or anything... if anything I think I'm glad? if they Had been looking for me that'd suck since I'm still working through shit and haven't been looking for them... I'm glad they're okay

[jademeddler]

ffffuck dude getting some confirmation that my karkat and rose Want to find me... I'm like really. goddamn emotional

[hskinhome]

This user is Kanaya Maryam

[homestuckkinrequests-blog]

mood board for a kanaya who misses her moirail karkat and hopes hes doing okay

[jademeddler]

I love when tarot supports me and assures me I'm kanaya lmao. thanks buddy

[jademeddler]

its Probably good no one looks at this blog ? it makes it easier to just kinda. dump on here. less embarrassing

[jademeddler]

ahhh what the hell. I said I wasn't going to id with him because it was more of a negative thing but whatever, I know I Do id with him so why pretend I don't

[jademeddler]

anyway. I think I had a dirk timeline too. what the fuck

[jademeddler]

I think it must've been lonely for rose, being with me. I don't think I did enough or Was enough. I wonder if she loved me even after I died? am I selfish for wishing she did?

I think I'm too ashamed to face her at this point and thats why I don't feel inclined to approach roses on here ? what if I mess it up again, or what if even worse they were my rose? what if they hated me? I don't know if I could handle that

[jademeddler]

whenever I try to remember more these days I just have this like... one very specific shot on the meteor. it's me and rose and we're out on the roof, watching the sky, and the sky is green and black and purple and red. I think the closest image I can relate it to is a dream bubble shattering. I'm laying with my head on rose's lap, and I think I know I'm about to die. it feels sad, but I've already accepted it. everything about it feels like the end of something.

I think I did die after that? or maybe that WAS a dream bubble instead of us just passing through one... well.... I either died or my dream bubble was destroyed so it all comes out to the same story

[jademeddler]

I think if anything it serves to teach me that I shouldn't let people go as easily as I did then in this life and in future ones. I think I already had my "vriska" in this life, and I still think about them. too often. maybe one of these go arounds I won't continue making the same mistake

[jademeddler]

then again there are hundreds and hundreds of doomed timelines out there, its inevitable to be part of one. who knows why it happened but its the one I remember