I’m having this super hard time right now, and I guess that’s to be expected seeing as how the last 4 months of my life have been complete shit.
Since my mom passed away, I’ve looked at things so differently, and I guess that’s expected to happen when something really fucks you up, but this is different. I look at the world, and at people so differently now. I want to do better and be better. I look at all the petty shit that people are giving into and it just really hurts my heart. I’m hurt in so many ways myself. Obviously. I lost my best friend. My whole heart. The person who guided me through my whole entire life. I lost her to this fucked up disease. I literally watched her crumbled into this person that was no longer a person. The strongest person I know, at her weakest state. I’m just expected to move on from that, like it’s nothing. Like I didn’t just watch the most influential person in my life die right before my eyes. Months of suffering, and pain. Of course I’m different. I don’t know that I wasn’t expected to be, but I’m fucked up. I’m tired. Because it’s straight shit, and life sucks, and it’s totally 100% completely unfair. How could this happen? How could I lose the person I love the most in this world? How am I just supposed to move on without her in my life? I miss her so much. And I keep moving. I keep going to concerts, and living like I used to, and I’m just broken. I only get out of bed because I have to, not because I want to. I just want to lay there for hours and hours. But I know thats not what she would want from me.
I’m hurting. Worse than I ever have before. Worse than I can even explain to anyone. And it wouldn’t matter even if I could, because they don’t get it.
I’m surprised at some of the people in my life to be honest. People who told me they would always be here for me. People who I gave months and years of my life to whenever they needed anything, and they have just become too self absorbed to even worry about me. Or maybe that’s not true. Maybe it is selfishness, and maybe they also just don’t know what to say. I don’t know.
I had a conversation with my aunt today about how people treat us different now, like they just stopped talking because they didn’t know what to say….so not saying anything at all is the better option to them. They are so wrong. Everyone tells you to keep busy, stay strong, do whatever you need to do, but the people that you need to stay busy with, stay strong with, do whatever you need to do with, they can’t bare a conversation with you because they think you don’t want to have a normal conversation. The truth is though, that’s all we want. We want a normal conversation, because our thoughts the rest of the day are on the loss that we are suffering. But you’re not there to even be a distraction. You just walked away. Backed up. Pretended that saying nothing was better than saying the wrong thing. Didn’t even make distraction an option. So now…now not only are we sad, but we’re alone and sad. Which is so much worse than just being sad, because we already feel alone. We already feel empty. The things that are going to make us full, and help heal us, they just walked out…in what…fear? Fear of not knowing what to say? Of saying the wrong thing? Well….here’s the thing. You can’t say anything wrong, you can’t say anything right, because NOTHING is going to change the fact that she isn’t coming back. But saying nothing at all. Well that just digs deep.
I had a conversation with a friend about a week ago who told me that he was more than thankful for my mom. That she was a beautiful person, that he was thankful that I brought her into his life. I’ve heard this a lot to be honest. My mom was such an amazing woman. So many people, even people that I don’t know, came to me telling me how great my mom was. How she changed their life, or she loved this band, or how much she loved me. These things, they are what my mom should be remembered for. She was truly an amazing woman. She changed a lot of lives and made a lot of hearts full. Hearing all of this, even just from people at shows, shows me that my mom passed her love on to the world, and I’m so thankful for that. Her life wasn’t easy, it wasn’t, but you would never know it by the way that she acted. My mom wanted everyone to be happy, through all the bullshit and the struggles that life puts you though. She wanted people to be happy. She was the prime example that its possible. She talked to everyone, anywhere, and she was more than happy to do it. She handed out free advice and loved with all of her heart.
People have said that they have never seen a mother daughter relationship like the one we had. This is great to hear, but difficult at the same time. I try my best to focus on the good, the memories of her, the amazing things we did together, but remembering those things just reminds me that she’s not here.Â
I’m not afraid to admit that I’m super depressed over this. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m really disappointed with some of the people in my life. I take people at their word too often and really want to believe them. The worst thing is, is that they often prove me right, and don’t show up when their needed. I’m also not afraid to admit that minus a few, the people who have been there the most for me, are people I barley even know. It’s not anyone’s responsibility to take care of me. It never has been, I know that and I would never put that on anyone. But it’s really not hard to be a good friend. It’s not hard to put in some extra effort.Â
This. This is hard. This is the worst thing I’ve ever done. My world is upside down.Â
I love you mom. I will Be Strong and Believe just like you wanted me to, just maybe not today.
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