winter is coming

James A. Winters | 23 Born and raised in Ontario with a film degree under my belt. My life is colourless, but life gives me colour. "Never gonna stop 'til the clock stops ticking, Never gonna quit 'til my legs stop kicking, I will follow you and we'll both go missing." aim: townxjames Boyfriend {Snowflake} Wonder Woman|Annie Summer | Hoo | Parabatai | Castiel

[james-winters-blog]

Alright, so.

This isn't easy to write. Not by any means. But to put it short from the start. I'm leaving. I have to do this if I'm going to make any move in my life for myself and probably for those I care about as well. I hope that I'll see those of you I'm close to again some day. You know who you are and I promise you this isn't me leaving your lives too, but my being here is turning me into someone that I've never wanted to become and me staying here won't fix any of that. I'm going to go fix things in my life away from here. With my brother and maybe even my dad. Honestly I feel worse and worse about myself the longer I've stayed here and that's not healthy. Not for me or anyone that's had to deal with that.

Pix - I know you'll be strong. Keep in touch, okay? You're my best friend through and through and I want you to keep doing what makes you happy because you deserve to find that.

Nathan - I care about you a lot more than I know how to admit to. If anyone's been getting me through my hard times it's you. I hope you can understand my decision to leave and that it doesn't change how you feel about me because I know my feelings for you are the same regardless.

Avery - You've sort of been my wisdom tooth. If you can call it that. Keeping me in check and our talk today is a big part of me making this choice because I realized I can't keep hurting the people I care about for the sake of me feeling better.

Chaz - You're one of my best guy friends even though we didn't get to hang out half as much as I hoped.

Liv - Keep holding onto what makes you happy because I know that you're a fighter. You just need to find the right time and place to show that.

To anyone else that I know I'm friends with but wasn't mentioned here. Hold onto yourself. What keeps you strong is knowing your weakest points. I've loved my time here and won't forget any of it or those of you I've met along the way.

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

james-winters liked your photo: .photoset .photoset_row { width: 500px;…

Thank you Jeff. I appreciate the love.

[james-winters-blog]

Consider me speechless, Annie.

[chazhoo-blog]

#i enjoy your taste in music

Thank you, guys. Thank you. It’s always nice to have other’s approval on music.

[james-winters-blog]

Do you have a playlist? I feel like I've known you a long time but have never seen you dance.

[formerlynippoleon-blog]

You can be your own spotlight You could be the star, you could shine so bright

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

[private]

[missxstevie]

Hitting you did make me feel a little better. Okay. So he asked about me only after I beat you up? Good to know. If he wants to be my friend so badly, he would’ve tried by now. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Yeah, that.

[james-winters-blog]

See? It's sort of why I was okay with letting you hit me because I can't say I didn't expect you to want to at some point with pent up aggression or anything else you want to call it. The only time he asked me specifically was after the fight. I can't speak for others. He has tried, Stevie.

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

[private]

[missxstevie]

Obviously. And I don’t need you to remind me of how he looks at you, okay? I clearly know that and no I don’t want to talk about it unless you want me to hit you again which I’m totally game for, just saying. …He asks about me? Wait, why wouldn’t I be okay? I’m fine. 

[james-winters-blog]

I know I don't, but I also know it's not going to be easy to avoid so that's why I'm telling you. You could hit me all you want but I feel like that's your pent up aggression about how you feel about me. I'm not trying to be inconsiderate and none of this was to spite you and I want you to know that. Yes, he asked about last night. He never stopped caring about you because he still wants to be your friend but you have to talk to him about that if you want to understand. Listen to him and not just say your side. Because I know it's not fun to see your ex around or with someone else?

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

Really? You’re not trying to guilt trip me? Is this the part where you retreat because everyone right now is just about agreeing with me? Sorry but that kind of bullshit doesn’t work on me. You’ve guilt tripped Pixie enough into feeling shit about herself for being happy with other people, you don’t get to talk about being happy anymore. I get it you’re happy and I’m happy for you that you’ve found happiness with Nathan, I really am but I’m only calling it how I see it. 

The moment I started speaking about how I saw it you started guilt tripping me, asking me if I did that to all my friends. What exactly is that called if not guilt tripping? A friendly reminder?

[james-winters-blog]

Retreat? No. I'm not going to because if I wanted to I already would have stopped talking to you and as much as I would like to close my laptop and walk away from it all I know that's not going to make me feel better about making you feel bad about this whether intentional or not. It wasn't intentional, but I do realize how what I said could make it seem that way. I know what I did to Pixie and I've talked to her about it. I know I've been a bad friend and how it made her feel, but she does have the right to move on and have space from me and if being with someone else happens to make her happy I know that I'm going to respect that because she's still my best friend. But again that's getting into something else. I am sorry for making you feel bad when you're doing nothing but being honest with me and I really won't ever ask you to do otherwise. Sometimes I honestly need it.

Yes, I did ask you that but it wasn't to make you feel bad. It was a genuine curiosity.

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

[private]

[missxstevie]

Refresh my memory?

[james-winters-blog]

You saw Nathan and I there. You told me that you didn't like to see that. I do understand that it hurts. I do. And I'm not asking you to feel happy about the current situation because I wouldn't really expect you to be no matter how many times I ask you how you feel. Yes, it hurts to see someone look at someone else the way they used to look at you and I myself have had to learn how to cope with that. If you want to talk about it between you and me I'll talk about it until we're both blue in the face but do I think that will change how either of us feel? No. He still asks about you, you know. He wants to know you're okay, but that's something you two need to talk about too.

[garrettcardas-deactivated201802]

I have to admit, I tuned out from reading this about halfway through this because I think that first of all, it’s extremely hypocritical of you to be saying most of what you just told Avery. I also think that Avery had every right to think that he should have some consideration about Stevie’s feelings here, because god knows he spent so much time focusing on what was acceptable for me and what wasn’t acceptable for me post breakup. It was perfectly okay for James to play the victim in the ending of my relationship. It was perfectly okay for you to corner me privately and make me feel like shit for….what was it again? Oh, that’s right, not publicly bemoaning my troubles all over the dashboard and asking for people to feel sorry for me. That’s all fine and dandy, of course, I get guilt tripped for flirting with people after James breaks up with me and I sit there and take it in silence and allow it to get into my head to the point where it becomes a chore to have to talk to my best friend because I can’t speak freely or feel like someone who ISN’T tied down in a relationship because people still treat me like I am because James made it explicitly clear how he felt about me flirting with other people, but it’s not okay to have a little consideration for someone who could potentially be hurting post breakup.

Bravo. Bra. Fucking. Vo.

[liv-free-shagoury-blog]

Oh, I’m sorry. Excuse me for a second while I list out all the potential reasons for you calling me a hypocrite:

I got pissed off when Haven fucked Josh in front of me because I was jealous and hurt about it all. [example as to how I know a hair how Stevie feels, yet only a hair because I’m not in her position.] And I wasn’t asked how I felt about him using my best friend as his distraction. Oops?

I’m currently spending every night in bed with my once best friend’s ex because he makes me happy, and I enjoy sleeping with him, both literally and in the fucking sense. And I knew it would hurt her, which is why I tried to hold back from doing so, but couldn’t when I realized how Chris made me feel. I have apologized to Haven, and I have heard her out on how she feels on it prior to her going into quarantine and I will gladly listen to her when she is out.

I publicly displayed my sadness towards my break up with Josh on the dash and at parties, and now have been know to show my anger towards everything in public as well. However, I didn’t think it was a crime to express how I felt, since technically Tumblr is a blogging site and isn’t that the original purpose of blogs? Yeah, I was mad you said I was embarrassing myself because you constantly say it and not in a private matter, but instead in indirect comments I have ignored because I’m tired of your switching back and forth between being nice and being a complete bitch. I get I shouldn’t have said what I did, but there is no going back now.

“but it’s not okay to have a little consideration for someone who could potentially be hurting post breakup.” I just have a little tiny question about this. Why should someone give consideration to a person who didn’t do that same to them? Eye for an eye, right? Do onto to others as you wish they do to you? So why give consideration when the other doesn’t, or you don’t care if the other does or not? I’m a hypocrite, yeah, I get that, I admit it. I’m a bitch, a cunt, an asshole…the list goes on of what I am, and I’m owning up to it here and do plan on trying to change my ways. But to what you said before I quoted you, the reason people treat you like you are still with James is because of your guys’ friendship and relationship, and how you also constantly say you still love him. And when you say that, people can get confused how you act like you don’t love him. It’s not just him. Everything is a two way street. And I’m done, I need to ice my side. And I would bow and offer an encore but I can’t really bend over right now, sorry.

[james-winters-blog]

Enough, Liv.

[missxstevie]

You never once asked me if it was okay for you to be all over my ex-boyfriend, just saying.

[james-winters-blog]

Not that exact wording - no. I did speak to you about how you felt at Cesar's party.

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

OH MY GOD STOP ACTING LIKE I’M INSENSITIVE TO HOW YOU FEEL. THIS SHIT ISN’T ABOUT ME. This is about you, Nathan and Stevie which I don’t understand why. I’ve said my part about what I thought about this whole situation. And are you seriously guilt tripping me right now? Are you serious? You can’t even answer me. DID. YOU. ASK. HER. HOW. SHE. FELT? Because all I’ve read about this is you assuming how she felt. And you want a lesson in friendship? YOU DON’T FUCKING GUILT TRIP THEM INTO FEELING LIKE SHIT ABOUT THEMSELVES. 

And no we’re not making this private because hey, I’m so freaking tired with having a serious conversation with you and coming out feeling like shit because I wasn’t a good friend.

[james-winters-blog]

I'm not trying to guilt trip you, Avery. I just said that. Also yes, the day after they broke up I did ask Stevie how she felt.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Avery. I was explaining my feelings. I'm tired of everything I do having to make me feel like shit. Which now I do.

...I'm sorry, Avery. I don't want to make you feel bad for asking me this and I'm not trying to place guilt on you for hearing me out.

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

[private]

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

And you knew how it felt right? To see someone you loved flirting with someone else? Yes Nathan isn’t Stevie’s anymore and he could do whatever the hell he wants but did you ever ask Stevie how she felt about it? Weren’t you and Stevie friends? Doesn’t that count for something? I’m not saying don’t be happy. I’m saying be considerate because someone is hurting. Stevie loved Nathan. I don’t exactly know what happened between you and Stevie but I think you should have asked her how she felt about it or at least considered. And please, save me the dramatics. I’m not someone you can easily guilt trip. If you didn’t want my personal opinion you wouldn’t have come and talked to me and spilled your guts. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. I’ve never been in Stevie’s or your situation so I can only imagine how it hurts for the both of you and I don’t exactly know shit about Stevie and Nathan’s relationship. If it really is over between them then yes, Stevie doesn’t have a right to him but it was obvious she was still hurting and seeing you guys, didn’t help, especially if you and Stevie were friends. A little indiscretion would have been nice from the both of you.

[james-winters-blog]

I -- seriously? I'm not trying to guilt trip you, Avery. I'm explaining my side to you because we're friends and I thought you would be more understanding of what is going on here. Stevie and Nathan haven been apart FOR MONTHS. I have talked about it to her and you know what? She's not really much of a friend to me if she can't understand that feelings are feelings and they're going to happen. Friendship is two sided. People move on and do what makes them happy. I never tried to come between the two of them when they were together and that's the part she's upset about. She thinks I was trying to take him from her the whole time. But the whole time she was with him I was head over ass in love with Pixie to the point where I was sure there was no one else for me and that there never would be - you know that much. Of course I considered who Stevie would feel about seeing me with him, I'm not that fucking insensitive what hurts is that you think that I didn't even consider how she felt. Yes, I do feel bad that she's upset - no, I'm not sorry for having feelings for Nathan. Are you going to call other people out for not asking if their ex's were okay with them kissing other people in public and showing feelings for them?

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

[private]

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

Well technically Smith and I weren’t fighting the whole time. We were standing there for a bit I guess. Well I fell asleep standing up half way through.

[Private] 

I’m… going to stay out of this one. He makes you happy great and I’m extremely happy for you but you haven’t exactly been sensitive to Stevie either by flaunting your relationship with him while she’s around. Did you even ask her if she was okay with it?

[james-winters-blog]

I'm not flaunting anything, Avery. Am I supposed to hide in corners with him and not even be able to kiss him because she's around? That's not really fair either. Everything that makes me happy I get shit for and I'm tired of it. Of course she's going to be jealous of me or of anyone that he might end up spending time with. That's what happens when you break up with someone. I've gotten jealous of Pixie so much too, but I understand that she's going to sleep with other people here and possibly end up dating someone else, but if that's how feelings go it would be unfair of me to tell her not to show them just because I'm jealous, you know? I'm trying to move on and she deserves to as well. What else am I supposed to do? Don't put this just on me because I'm not the only person in what happened. I had nothing to do with their break up and she broke up with him. But of course I can't be happy because Stevie's not okay with seeing it, right? If you're telling me that I'm kind of hurt.

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

I have no idea what I’m saying ignore me. Just make sure your face doesn’t bruise too much. Put lots of ice on it. I saw that Stevie did a good number on you too.

[james-winters-blog]

You're the nurse so I'm taking your word for it. You saw that in between your beating up Smith?

[private] I dunno. I think she wanted to hit me even without being paired yesterday. Mostly because of Nathan, but I'm not sorry that they're broken up and I happen to have feelings for him now that are returned by him. I shouldn't have to feel guilty over something that makes me happy.

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

Are you putting ice on your face at least? Alternate to make the bruising go down.

[james-winters-blog]

What exactly am I alternating it with? The worst right now is my black eye from Leo and I did put ice on that.

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

I know your name is Apollo Jeff. You’ve told me a thousand times. How’s your face?

[james-winters-blog]

Have I? Sometimes I tell more than one person the same thing and forget who I've told it to.  My face? In a constant state of bruised, but at least nothing is broken.

[avery-jamesx-blog-blog]

I don’t think I ever told you my middle name anyways, but it’s Marie. Avery Marie James.

[james-winters-blog]

Marie? That has a nice ring to it all together. My middle name is Apollo. So, James Apollo Winters. Sometimes my brother calls me Apollo just to annoy me.