I had a disturbing exchange with a high school-aged person today that prompted this…
Beer, wine, mead, and cider are fermented beverages.
Cider is made from apples.
Beer is made from grains.
Beer tastes like beer because they flavor it with hops.
They used to flavor beer with dandelions.
All beer is either ale or lager.
Ale is fermented at room temperature.
Lager is brewed and store cold.
Barleywine, bitter, porter, and stout are ales.
Pilsner and bock are lagers.
Most of the crap people drink in America is pale lager.
Mosft of the crap people drink in Ireland is dry stout.
(Except actually I think it is, and I heard it tastes like cream soda)
Miruvor isn’t real, either, but it probably would taste like squash.
Ent-draught isn’t real, either, but shit, it would be awesome if it were.
Wine is made from fermented fruit juice, usually grapes.
Red wine is made from red grapes.
White wine is made from green grapes.
The name of the grape is the name of the wine (Chardonnay, Pinot Noir, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Merlot are all varieties of grape)
Unless you live in France.
In which case, the name of the place supersedes the name of the grape.
(for example: Burgundies are made in Burgundy, France, but Burgundy wine can be Pinot Noir or Chardonnay)
Champagne is any sparkling white wine.
However, Champagne can also be wine that comes from Champagne, France.
Drink red wine with beef. Drink white wine with fish.
Keep a Diet Coke in your bag for later.
Brandy is distilled wine.
Cognac is brandy aged in oak barrels.
Don’t fuck around with the French about their cognac.
Fortified wine is wine with added alcohol.
Sherry is fortified white wine made in Spain.
Port is fortified red wine made in Portugal.
Vermouth is fortified white wine plus grape spirits.
Sweet vermouth has added sugar.
Dry vermouth has added spices like nutmeg.
Liquors are distilled spirits that contain ethanol.
Liqueurs are liquors that have sugar and flavors added.
Liquors can be made from grains, fruits, or vegetables.
Grain alcohol is liquor made from grains. Duh.
Gin, Vodka, and Whisky are grain alcohols.
Vodka is grain alcohol and water.
Be careful with vodka. Homemade vodka is poisonous.
Gin is (basically vodka) flavored with juniper berries.
Absinthe is (basically gin) flavored with anise.
Whisky is grain alcohol aged in wood barrels.
Malt whisky is made from barley.
Grain whisky is made from all the other grains.
Scotch is whisky made in Scotland.
Bourbon is Kentucky whisky mostly made from corn.
Don’t fuck around with the Scottish.
Don’t fuck around with people from Kentucky, either.
Tequila is liquor made from the blue agave plant.
Rum is liquor made from sugarcane.
Schnapps is liquor made from fruit “must” (smashed fruit that still contains seeds and skins).
American schnapps is grain alcohol mixed with fruit flavors and sugar syrup.
Drink apple schnapps only while playing Tekken 2.
Sake is rice wine that’s brewed like beer. Or something.
Avoid these cocktails: Grog, Long Island Iced Tea, Manhattan, Dark and Stormy, Jack and Coke, Piña Colada, Scorpion. They contain huge amounts of alcohol and/or a huge number of calories. That Long Island Ice Tea is the worst motherfucker of the bunch. Just avoid them. Have a lemon drop martini instead.
Don’t drink on an empty stomach or you’ll puke.
Don’t drink too fast or you’ll puke.
Avoid Long Island Iced Teas. Like I said.
Don’t drink and drive because you might kill my Mom. You fuckers.
If your friend has had too much to drink and needs to crash, make sure she’s lying on her side so she doesn’t choke on her own vomit.
Don’t leave a drunk friend alone.
Passing out is a sign of being severely goddamn sick. If someone drinks and passes out? They are dying right now. Call 9-1-1.
If you are drunk, don’t drink coffee or caffeine to get sober. Sip cold water and nibble some saltine crackers.
Don’t be a fucking idiot. Don’t smash my mailbox.
Really, do you need to drink?
But now you know some stuff. Maybe.
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