Clichéd Folktales

and compilation of her unsent letters jammed in jar...

[jammedletters]

isn't it strange? you look at me, i look at with nothing to say (2022)

[jammedletters]

Skeri (2021)

[jammedletters]

1.14.20 | Ashes and Dreams

It sucks that our university had to resume classes even if there was a suspension from the government since they had the authority due to this 'autonomous status'. It wasn't even that long since the volcano erupted. Plus we're included in the high-risk area. Ugh.

Anywayy. An update, I've been dreaming about him for days already. It wasn't consecutive but it was often. In my dream, we were happy. We were good. Then he asked what I truly felt about him causing my heart to beat faster. Suddenly, I woke up. I kept on contemplating about it. It was weird because everytime I think of him (awake) I feel a bit upset. Sometimes, I wonder how he is. Most of the time, I really don't care.

I wish I could get rid this stupid memory. I wanna hurry and speed up the process. Move on, girl. That person had already gone so far.

[jammedletters]

1.8.20 | Culmination

Today was a smooth sailing day. I wasn't late in class. I finished my enrollment. I discovered a place wherein I could lay and rest when I want to isolate myself so I could pray. Today was our last day of Prayer and Fasting Level 1.To be honest, it was my first time to finish a level. Back then, I was too young and didn't know how to be serious with my commitment with God. But now is different. I wanted change. And that is the anthem of my heart this year. A change of heart.

[jammedletters]

1.6.20 | Passed Time

I spent the entire night last night reading a webtoon. There was something about it that hit close to home. This character named Hamin was very oblivious to her surroundings. She never cares about people's expectations especially to those she doesn't even know. People had expectations from you from the very beginning. They would see what they want to see, hear what they want to hear and believe what they want to believe.

This perspective of hers reminded me of myself when I was in Highschool. I was tired of people. I hate socializing. I hate mingling. I find it bothersome. I hate them all the more when they say 'I didn't expect you to be like this'. So I taught myself not to care too much. This principle had played a vital role to who I am now. I think, I'm so indifferent about every single thing. It has downsides.

When you tell yourself not to care, it actually makes you indifferent. Whether you're hurt or happy, you don't care anymore. Things happen in life good or bad, you don't care. And not caring actually takes life out of you. It makes you empty. It makes you shallow. You're not happy yet you're not sad either. You don't know what you feel, who you are, why do you do things you do and yet you don't find answers because..

Who cares?

Caring makes us human. And if we don't.. then what are we?

[jammedletters]

1.2.20 | Seven

We had our 2020 Planning for the whole year. It was okay. Nothing grand. I have this little doubt on the back of my mind if those 'plans' would materialize. One of the things I don't like the most is when plans are ruined. Although it is necesssary, personally, I don't like detailed planning.

Anyway, after the meeting, we went to The Mills Golfclub to play Bowling. I had the highest score. It was nice. Someday I wish I'd own a bowling alley.

[jammedletters]

1.1.20 | Consistency

I made a covenant to be consistent. Seems like it's gonna be a tough journey. Also, since I can't save notes on my phone anymore, I decided to post them here to atleast make this blog alive. And I doubt anyone would care. I'm saying sorry in advance to those who'll be annoyed! Mehehe.

[jammedletters]

Drowning

A sinking body

Dead weight

She'll soon faint

With a heart so canny

[jammedletters]

I Want You (but not now)

I want you. I like the idea of you. Of us. Together. We'll do things side by side. Perfectly in sync Tell each other how much we couldn't resist ourselves and our burning feelings

I want you. I like the idea of you and me and what we'd see in the fullness of time. But some things need to grow first Things that are fueled with patience Ripe and sweet. Unforced.

I want you. But not now.

[jammedletters]

All those months of anticipation, hunger and longing. It then happens not exactly the way it played in your head but still, it happened. Just that they didn't give you that same energy you're expecting.

[jammedletters]

Graveyard Shift

Darkness looms as dreams take you Away from reality it is the queue Sleep it says then covers your face As you choose to embrace

The void that took you away From the truth like a wave Of a vast ocean With bittersweet emotion

Then you realize The sun would rise Awakening the soul Like reality hits its goal

“i’m still here, am i”

[jammedletters]

Letter 3 | 05/4/19 

Real talk. Not being honest with my feelings has saved me a lot of times. There are instances when it feels like I'm about to explode but at then end of the game, suppressing it had turned out to be good — the mastery of controlling your feelings.

[jammedletters]

“Last time I will ever write about you”

[jammedletters]

Traitor

Drawn by things you see Why I thought you were free How could you respond For something you've already banned

[jammedletters]

Walang Kapara

Ito'y tila parang tubig Na rumagagasa ng walang sawa Nang matatap ang pag-ibig Na sadyang nanunukal sa pusong Walang pintas, walang kapalit, Walang sinumang aakit

[jammedletters]

Letter #2 | 03.19.19

No. I’m not gonna write about emptiness anymore. I want to talk about how lately I’ve been so forgetful. I couldn’t remember things faster than before. It seems that my comprehension has gotten a lot worse. So I’ve been thinking I should learn something fun. Something new. Something I haven’t thought of learning before. Or maybe thinking of learning something I picked up and left before. I wanna exercise my freedom of choice. The power to choose things I enjoy doing rather than doing things out of obligation. I feel caged. School boxes me. And life is more than school. Life is more than people at school. I want to look at things differently. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of being stagnant. I want to do something else. I want to try teaching myself. I want to look life with meaning. I missed reading books. I want to read books. I want to detoxify my internal self. Listen to music that uplifts the soul. Make time. To actually eat healthy and drink water. I want to be a person with depth. To find purpose. To acquire wisdom. To value lessons. To stay away with shallow people. I want to make a separate letter for that. I want to be a person of quality. I know what is right. I know what is wrong. But to actually do it is a different matter. Ahhhh. This letter has no direction and I just write what comes to mind. I miss my old self with lots of me time. I missed writing.

[jammedletters]

Letter #1 | 02.0.19

I’m lost. Everything is a mess. I want to find a place where I could be myself. A place with a blank space just like how my heart feels right now. I lost passion to everything. I don’t wanna talk to anybody even to myself. I stopped writing because it made me feel a whole lot worse. It makes me realize things that I don’t want to even think about. But it left a hole so I started writing something different. Something darker and I couldn’t care less. 

Today was kind of a pity for me. I only had one class which starts at 7AM but was cancelled when it was about to start. I woke up early for it, too bad for me huh? I went to the library to do my homework but the computer froze and all my work was gone. At lunch I decided to hangout with my toxic friends because I don’t want them to be suspicious and feel I’m distant which is what I plan to do. I can’t really hang out with them anymore. It used to be different. So either they changed or I changed. I was supposed to do 3 requirements but all of them were cancelled. I did 1 requirement but got a low grade. I didn’t mind though. 

I went back to my apartment. No one was home so I ate instant noodles alone. I am getting depressed but I kept telling myself I was only hungry and tired and dehydrated. We’re running low on drinking water. 

As I sit here in the couch I had deep thoughts. I couldn’t take care of myself hence even feed myself and get a texting load. I have tons of owes to pay. I couldn’t handle a proper conversation with strangers. I haven’t really been learning in school. I just get by to survive but I’m empty. I’m crawling myself to get there. I’m an adult by age but I haven’t really turned myself into one. I’m failing my 11 year old self. I’m sorry I’m still like this.

Most of all, my addiction isn’t really cured. If anything, it got worse. I kept feeding my brain trash things. I kept browsing toxic stuff in the internet. Reading empty complaints, non-sensible memes. Some nights I would do it to lull myself to sleep. Sometimes it makes me wonder if puking literally would cure me. I’m not sure how sad I should be to express all of this and it’s not even half of what I feel. My body, my soul and my mind are all deteriorating. I guess I’ll have to write again to make what I feel bearable.