A guy who tries to place thoughts into words

[jantriestowrite]

.

Ever get exhausted of running someone else’s track when you can happily go with your own, at your own pace?

I’m tired of racing. I’m tired of chasing and putting myself at par with my peers when all they only care about is their own progress. I’m tired of seeing the other side as greener when I can’t appreciate my own. This gets exhausting too, and I am aware of my faults. I know that this habit needs to stop and I guess I’m reaching my peak. All I need is that small push for me to get over and cross this mountain.

I want to tell myself that life is not a race, that I can’t compare my chapter 6 to their chapter 12. I know that I can do so many things, but who are you really doing it for? I’m spreading myself too thin to accommodate and do everything instead of focus to fewer things. It’s because I’m afraid that I might lose whatever I’ll be investing so much time in. 

I need to tell myself that I can’t have a new life, but I can have a new perspective. All these positive and forward thoughts are floating around my existence, and all I need to do is to acknowledge and cultivate it. I know I can do it, maybe I’m just waiting for somebody else to do it for me?

*sigh*

[jantriestowrite]

You are the long-form I enjoy in this 140-character world.

[jantriestowrite]

Random

No one really taught me to do anything significant to me. Although there have been attempts, it doesn't seem to register well in my brain. Sad. - I have a lot of insecurities to the point it's piling up, suffocating me. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. Guess I'll stop taking photos, accept I'm fat, stop functioning as a human being. Just please, let me be.

[jantriestowrite]

my mind goes through a lot of things

and a lot of thoughts

and when i try to voice them out,

it feels foreign

but when your tongue slips into my mouth

and guides it

it’s like my native language

so i’ve decided to talk less

and kiss you more to prove a point

[jantriestowrite]

in the attempt to find myself,

i found you instead

and you made me realize that you’re everything i’ve ever wanted

nay, needed.

and i could not thank you more

so i will just adore

at your plush face

and your sweet embrace

thank you

[jantriestowrite]

maybe

maybe i’ll leave this place years from now

maybe i’ll stay here and watch everyone leave

maybe i’ll grow my hair to prove a point

maybe i’ll chop it all of and become bald

maybe things will come my way

maybe i’ll still be stuck here wishing

maybe i’ll never remember 

maybe i’ll always forget

maybe you’ll leave me when i’ve changed

maybe you’ll stay no matter what

maybe we’ll get married

maybe we’ll fall apart

maybe you’ll despise me after all these years

maybe i’ll still adore you after everything

all i know is that you

you are my favorite maybe

[aishwaryanair]

1) I want to rent hotel rooms with you and spend more than half our time being outside. 2) I want to get lost while we’re driving because I can’t read maps and you are too stubborn to ask for directions. 3) I want to eat drive-thru food with you on the floor of our first apartment. 4) I want to get drunk in public and have you take me home while I hit on you. 5) I want to go on long adventures with you. 6) I want to go to the movies and make out with you in the back like a couple of over excited teenagers. 7) I want to lay with you under the stars and talk about the future like I’ve got it all planned. 8) I want to break in your arms once in a while because I don’t have it all planned. 9) I want to bore with you with my favorite shows and movies even though you insist it is okay. 10) I want to play video games with you and sulk when I lose. 11) I want to paint you in my poems. 12) I want to dance with you. 13) I want to spend the rest of my life with you, knowing there’s no place else I’d rather be.

13 important things I want you to know. - A  (via accuss)

because fuck.

[jantriestowrite]

6 / 19 | Green

It's stupid to drown myself with Hollywood cliche about love, about how two people were meant to be and how people could painstakingly invest and waste their time, and it will all be worth it.

Because it's not like the movies, it's not like the tv series where people have their pairings. Let's face it, in real life there aren't OTPs or people cannot ship us. We're no Rachel and Ross who at the end of the series, we would still end up together. Our lives are not concocted by corporate brainwash and censorship, but again like shows and movies there are little strings attached to us, making us move.

I have to end this. I have to end believing to be the Noah to your Allie. I have to believe that I will have to realize that the real world is much bigger than the fictional world, that the chance of us not crossing our paths on the street is greater than meeting again and ending up together.

If there's one thing that the silver screen has thought me, it was to dream on. But now I realized that the reason why they told us to dream instead to do because it is rather impossible. You and I are rather impossible.

[jantriestowrite]

"What's the deal with you?" She asked.

They were sitting across each other in a booth of a famous college bar in the city. It was crowded and the music was blasting. It was raining and initially they were just letting the rain pass.

"What's wrong with you?" She still insisted that he would give her an answer. The thing is, he does not know. Or he knew deep down but his mind was too intoxicated to organize his thoughts.

"I-I-I don't know." He stammered. It has been a long time since he drank like this, and it made him uncomfortable that he's with her, and it's just the two of them.

"You know what," she started her sentence right after she puffed her smoke. "you're cute but there was always something about you that did not make me attracted to you in a way."

He was just playing around the rim of his glass. He was listening but he was trying to keep himself occupied.

"I realized we are too different, yet we have a lot in common. Like this scotch. I never thought we would like the same kind of liquor." She said as was playing with her lighter.

"Actually, I saw you drink that liquor with such joy 5 years ago that I wanted to love it." He thought. "Well, it takes class to love this kind, right?" He said.

She smirked. She leaned over and gestured to make his head lean over too.  "Hey, I wanna tell you a secret." 

"What is it?" He was nervous of course, he could feel his heart beating really fast and his thoughts were flying around, wondering what that secret would be.

She stared at his lips, glazed with the scotch he was drinking. She bit her own lip and gently pressed hers against his. He was surprised but since he was inebriated and he liked it, he didn't fight back. He held her face as they were still kissing. He tasted smoke which he didn't like but he believed it felt right. The scotch, the smoke, her lips, her. It was like nothing was wrong, like he forgot how much he hated smoking and how he used that reason to stop thinking about her for the last 5 years.

She was closing her eyes as they were kissing but it made her be in an awkward position which made them stop. Sheer awkwardness came for a brief period as they try to fidget and hide away the fact that they kissed.

Wondering whether it would happen again and if what they did was right, the night ended with excuses and regrets.

[jantriestowrite]

The little kid was brought in the park without a balloon. Jealous that other kids had balloons, he asked around and did his best to get as much balloons as he can. He ran around and did his best. 

1

2

3

5

10

10 balloons were held tight by this little kid, but still didn't feel satisfied. He saw a balloon and he rushed to get it. When he grabbed it, he felt light like he was already floating, and he did. His feet were not touching the ground anymore. The little kid was scared and everyone in the park told him to let go. He thought of letting go some, but the little kid had little slow hands and he ended up the same number he entered the park.

[jantriestowrite]

What scares me

What scares me is being left alone

What scares me is feeling left out

What scares me is falling and having no safety net

What scares me are no replies

What scares me are my thoughts

What scares me are emotionless texts.

What scares me are weeks of not seeing each other

What scares me are other people

What scares me are health issues

What scares me are moments like "We need to talk"

What scares me is that I might forget the little things

What scares me is that I might fuck things up

What scares me is that I might be falling harder

What scares me is that I might be giving too much

What scares me is that I might be thinking too far ahead

What scares me is that I might lose people

What scares me is that I might lose myself

What scares me the most is that I might lose you

[jantriestowrite]

I miss the way our hands interlock, and how our bodies are close enough to feel each other's heartbeat. I miss how I could smell the scent that drives me crazy, and the way you rest your face on my shoulder. I miss the warmth I always feel, it's as if it was my blanket and it kept me safe. I miss how I could utter three words and even if your ears are facing the other way, I can hear four words come out and go into my soul. I miss the way we would feel competent, squeezing each other's body tighter and tighter, and laughing afterwards. I just miss how I could call that as a home, because I know that home is not a place but a feeling. Your arms wrapped around me, giving me comfort and strength, giving me a reason to be scared that one day, I might not find my way back to it and that someday, it would be someone else's home. I'm afraid that the time has come. 

[jantriestowrite]

I opened the door only to see a room full of mirrors. Goosebumps in my body, as I get closer to one of the walls. I could hear my own footstep and it sounds louder and louder as I take every step. I looked into the reflection only to see a sad human being staring directly ahead. It's as if he has lost someone so special, with his eyes sore and darkened, his skin crumpled like paper and his posture broken down like a stringed puppet. I noticed that he had a huge hole in his heart and as I tried to reach out and touch it, I realized that it was a reflection. Panicked, I rushed to see if there was a really huge hole only to be relieved that it was still in place. But I checked the reflection again and it still had no heart to fill. 

I smiled and went back outside. The sound of my footstep faded and as I closed the door, I had a huge relief.

Then I realized that it was not a reflection but a depiction of who I really am now.

[jantriestowrite]

You and your stories. ♥

Ahhhh thanks! :)

[jantriestowrite]

No reply

And even if I have so much things to say, fear is always getting in my way.

And even if I already have the courage, I guess it's too late.

And even if it isn't late, I am uncertain of the outcome.

I'm just sorry, for leaving things the way they are.

I'm just sorry, for everything.

[jantriestowrite]

1:11 AM

I only fell in love with two people One was never mine to begin with, never belonged to me While the other slipped away from my hands and got pushed away I have failed to comply with the advances of the first With my blindness and cowardliness While I crafted our own ending with the second Something tragic thanks to my over-thinking fickle mind I never thought I could be with both of them As they are both out of my league And a people's choice They stole their hearts and eventually stole mine But now that I have it back but with a huge hole Hoping someday it will be filled again I'd temporarily place it with nothing but words Words that will tell me to get by Words that will tell me love will go back to me Words that are basically lies Because someday I want this hole not filled with lies but with love With happiness and not bitterness With joy and passion and no distraction With not lies and self-hate but with you and your love truly So please, come back to my arms And let's give this silly love another shot. But I understand if you say no Silly me, who would love a mess like me? Been broken and bent a couple of times But I understand, I must let you go So I set you free and advice to avoid a fool like me.

[jantriestowrite]

When on the verge between giving up and trying harder, maybe you should do the latter. It may break but it could lead to something even better. The fact that it broke because you tried harder means that it was not meant to last. Unless you have and were given clear knowledge that it wasn't meant to work that way. That would just make you look stupid and you would not want that, don't you? Yet people still go and do it and let me tell you that being an idiot works once in a blue moon. If you think you're that special someone who could break the boundaries, then why give up when you could try harder?