tuer la douleur

Trying to get better, not sure I'll ever get there.

[january7th2013]

I feel like I have a lot of weight on my shoulders...Taking out a loan is a lot of responsibility, but I do not see any other decision I can make at this point. I am more than nervous about leaving christopher alone. I am hoping that he manages to get this job and work regularly as a way to take up some of his time and possibly make him feel like a more “productive” member of society. I think if he views himself in a slightly better light things will get better for him. He really doesnt need to be abusing pills to make himself feel better. Once he starts paying rent my gma will calm down a bit and not complain as much. I am honestly tired and no one seems to understand how much pressure I am truly under. I HAVE to pass this semester with A’s basically is the point of my being. Passing this semester is the only way I will be able to continue on with my vet tech degree. If I cant start within the next year then I will probably end of just starting the bio one. WHO KNOWS THO!! Other then my degree I have to submit an appeal to the government explaining why I didnt pass the previous spring and summer semester and I dont know if I honestly have a good enough reason. My spring was kind of my being stupid in a sense and the summer my only mistake was not withdrawing from the sociology course. I want to be honest and say that a close friend attempted suicide and it shook me, but I honestly dont want them to prod me for information. Like I do not mind explaining some things, but if they expect me to relay evidence from his hospital visit I feel like that could be triggering and crosses a personal line for me. I dont know I just do not feel comfortable talking about the possible suicide of my fiance.. Besides those two things I also have to officially get a letter from my therapist pertaining to what happened to my life from13??-18 and guarantee that I get financial aid there from now on. Not submitting the letters could result in me not ever getting financial aid again which will not work for the amount of education I plan on taking on. That leaves me with visiting bank(s) on monday to talk about loans and what the process will actually be like so I can have my gma return and be ready to co-sign the loan. When I recieve my 5k loan I am going to focus on paying off my education for this spring semester and my EDC tickets+ accessories required for a successful event. Other than that the remainder of the money will be a buffer until I am succesful finding a job. Any money that I do not need to spend I will place in my savings account and build up my credit score in the process by paying off a loan.

[january7th2013]

Honestly, I am poor looking at best. I know in my head I can view myself as beautiful , but I know what I really am. I really am physically ugly. It makes me feel depressed or bad. I don't understand why or how chris is with me. He's such an amazing guy and it's like what did I do to deserve him? I don't get how he's even attracted to me, although I'm beyond happy he is. He is different than most humans

[january7th2013]

So I am up at 2;30ish am and I think I cant explain how I am feeling... but its a noteworthy emotion or.. sensation. 

[january7th2013]

I want to message someone I shouldnt at a late time and theyre not awake anymore anyways.....I dont want it I need it. I cant sleep for shit but I know i need to stop

[l0tuses-deactivated20161211]

[january7th2013]

update

A little under a month ago I came out to my sister and my facebook friends/acquaintances. I don’t know why but I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I was playing a role for everyone. I thought feeling nothing connection wise was normal. I thought kissing was just overrated. Most of my kisses had just been wet and annoying. I wondered why people even liked kisses and if they were really that dumb and boring. When c and I lied around together it drove me crazy that he felt like log on my body and I began hating it. Then I noticed some people actually look forward to that horrid death feeling. So I confronted him last year (2014) around when school started. I said if he wants to be with me he needs to commit, or nothing. He took it all as a joke and mocked me. So I didn't see/speak to him until the week we entered winter break. Things happened and I decided to end it. He blew his shot and I was done....but thoughts still lingered. I started thinking about sexual encounters and what mentally I was going through. How I wondered if him being a woman would change the dynamic. I attempted avoiding these thoughts but then spring break came around and when I clean it always feels emotional. I became intrigued and started researching sexuality and came across “ am I gay/lesbian?” videos on youtube. My curiosity peaked and I  watched them on and off for the whole break. Mostly they ended with the same conclusion: if you’re looking these up chances are... you are not straight. Which I kind of laughed off at the time. Then it stuck in my head for weeks. I reevaluated most of my life. I felt lost...... I went to school remaining the same. I eventually spoke to a close friend and I tried my best to deny it but it just had to be....there was no taking away what has been ingrained in me. In may (2015) after school ended it was like the secret that everyone knew. In my head it was like everyone knew and was just saying dumb shit. But they didn’t know. Only dustina and I did. I thought of so many reasons not to come out but I thought to myself: I'm out of high school!!!!! I literally do not have to talk to anyone who does not of approve of my life style. Society really does assume your straight from the moment your conceived. It’s freeing to see acceptance and all but I know deep inside I am scared. It’s weird how it took me so long to see this in myself but at the same time not. I’ve always admired women and their beauty. But men are more like homies and shit idk. 

[january7th2013]

yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssb(:

[champagneovo]

[kacixxo]

ૐ

[disaarray]

reblog if u Halsey af

[tai-korczak]

Sonder: The realization that each passerby has a life as vivid and complex as your own.

Opia: The ambiguous intensity of Looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable.

Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.

[prettyparamore]

PVRIS- Smoke 

[january7th2013]

As a child I remember looking at my skin and thinking this isn't me. I detested my pale skin and wanted to be darker. I used to think I was in the wrong body,(I still do but more in a philosophical stand point) that people with my skin tone were ugly. I looked at Germanic/Nordic features as bad thing. I wished and wished that I could have been born with dark skin and African-american features. In middle school I found out people bleach their skin to look like mine.. and I was in awe at how anyone could possibly desire my features. Having moved to a Hispanic/Latin dominant area I felt even more lost. I started noticing how much of an issue it was becoming and I expressed this feeling to someone (who I thought was my friend at the time) and rumor spread. Everyone teased me and made me feel even more embarrassed about myself than I already was. In 8th I started buying tanning products and darker make up, hoping the paleness would go away. I felt alone and I wanted to belong. Without looking completely ridiculous I made my skin three tones darker. Still wasn't enough for me. At that time I was suicidal and desired death to be reborn as the person I was mean to be. Most people presumed I was racist and prejudice before they even got to know me. I was nothing,, just like my skin tone. I wanted more back people around to feel normal. But that wasn’t happening where I live. With more media attention on racial issues it was even harder being “grouped” with people nothing like me. It was not until this past year that I accepted I will always be pale. I still feel wrong but I can’t change my skin tone. I never really expressed this feeling directly like so. 

[lesstalkmoreillustration]

[b-l-a-c-k-l-i-s-t-e-d]

[s-ensitivus]

[stevieharringtonswife]

the worst feeling ever is the end of a concert right after the artist leaves and you feel kind of empty because there’s nothing else to look forward to anymore because you’ve waited so long for this and your heart kinda hurts because you miss them so much already

[blvckhype]