I’m not sure if this will qualify as an official nomination, and that’s perfectly okay if it doesn’t, but today I’d really like to talk about my daughter.
On a day, in an entire era, when the lack of humanity in this world reaches horrific levels on a daily basis, she is my comfort. She is my reminder that I’m not alone. She is my humor. She is my motivation. She is my reason to wake up every morning. She is kind, sweet, and always loving without expecting anything in return. She always has a smile on her face, is always trying to play with others, and I don’t know that she is even capable of noticing negativity unless something causes her to react.
Emma is 6-years-old and she has autism. I spent the first two years of her life feeling like a complete failure of a mother because we were, for lack of a better word, trapped in an abusive home that neither of us could properly exist in. I had no resources to get her officially diagnosed, she had no other children to play with in order to experience what it was like to be social, we were in an environment where there was screaming almost every single day, and I got overwhelmed and frustrated way more often than I should have. I was a single mother who couldn’t take care of myself in there, let alone be who she needed me to be. This was a very dark period in our lives, one that I still blame myself for every day, and thankfully the amazing people in the Supernatural fandom (and quite a few people outside of it as well) helped to get us out of there and into another state to live with a friend. Tumblr quite literally saved our lives. Love can go a long way.
Emma was mostly non-verbal/very limited verbal until about two and a half years ago, but she didn’t need to speak to be nice and hilarious. Once we were able to get the official ASD diagnosis, progress started happening - and fast. She started speech, occupational, and physical therapy weekly and it instantly became her favorite thing in the world. I watched her go from not grasping how to handle a social situation or being around large groups of people to gradually becoming the star of the room. I watched her go from not speaking to gradually expressing herself in mostly short but full sentences. We’re at 4-6 word utterances now, which is HUGE. Her therapists (who she refers to as “Nice Doctors”) and the other children who go on her days have become some of her best friends and I’ve gotta tell you, nothing makes me more proud than seeing how freaking happy she is just to learn and do silly things to make other people smile.
She has overcome so many fears. I can say with full confidence that she is the bravest person I know. She just finished her first year of school last month and her first day of kindergarten was her first time being in any structured school setting because every single daycare and pre-school in our area refused to enroll her due to autism. She was so terrified of school at first and it took a lot of time to adjust but, just like with therapy, it’s probably one of her favorite places to be now. Her teachers have told me that she waits by the door and greets everybody by name with a gigantic smile as they walk in, and that she usually spends her recess time picking flowers to give everybody instead of playing. I honestly can’t believe that somebody so sweet and innocent came from me. She is my other half and my better half.
I’ve been joking around that she has the humor of a mini Tom Haverford because she creates her own adorable phrases for things she comes across. Root beer floats are “pop creams”, tights have become “sock pants”, and school busses are “long cars”. Every single circle is a “moon”. She tells me daily that I’m a “beautiful sweet girl”, and for some reason she usually says it in a British accent. When it comes to bribes, she’ll only accept M&Ms and Skittles. She has an imaginary friend named That Way who is sometimes joined by her other imaginary friend, This Way. If I tell her “no” for any reason, she accepts it without a fight, but she always adds, “For Christmas?” No ice cream before dinner? Sure, you can have ice cream for Christmas. She tells herself happy birthday about 3 times a day. Instead of killing bugs, she catches them and tells them they’re cute. Her favorite show is Scrubs, but she calls it “Superman” because of the theme song. She says she wants to be a doctor just like Doc McStuffins when she grows up, but she’ll declare it while she’s playing dress up in her Bert Macklin FBI jacket from last Halloween.
I can talk about this kid all day long, but that’s just the mom in me. I wouldn’t be even a tiny bit of who I am today if it weren’t for her. If I’m being honest, I wouldn’t even be alive today if it weren’t for her. I will always try to be better for her. And to think that one day she may face cruelty because she’s neurodiverse, because there’s a lot of people in this world who don’t understand and who don’t like what they don’t understand, fucking tears. my. heart. to. pieces.
So, today I give my love to Emma, my sun and stars. My whole world. She always has my love, but we all need a little extra today. In this moment. Love is what it’s all about.
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