Off the Record.. @jazzforever-blog - Tumblr Blog

I found freedom whenever I stopped praying for God to give me what I wanted and learned to say ‘Your will, not mine.’

(via runtohisarms)

Gravity

Gravity is natural, which means falling can happen often. But what’s hard to do after we fall is get back up. Gravity wants us to stay down. The enemy wants us to stay down, but we must rise again. What I struggle with most that I consider my “gravity” is depression. Depression wants you to stay in bed, be anxious all day, and pull away from the things you love most. When depression comes around, the first thing I always let go of is God. I don’t know why. In my mind, I don’t want Him to see the dark side of my life. I don’t want Him to see me failing. It’s like disappointing a father. I always want to pick myself up before I return to Him, but that’s not how it works. “The Lord helps the fallen and lifts those bent beneath their loads” (Psalm 145:14). There’s nothing God can’t handle. He knows everything. Every detail of our lives. There’s nothing we can hide from Him. It’s good news because no matter how many times we fall in life, He still loves us. There’s nothing we can do to make Him turn away from us. He’s always there with His hand reached out, waiting for us to reach back. Lean on Him. Let Him help you up when gravity strikes. Don’t let your gravity keep you from the amazing love Jesus has for you. Get back up.

#gravity #off the record #God #depression #get back up #falling

Voices

From the time I wake up I have voices in my head. They tell me all of the tasks I need to complete, and they remind me of the things I still haven’t done. This automatically causes anxiety and I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet. It actually makes me not want to leave my bed. The house is dirty, I haven’t worked out in weeks, I don’t feel like making breakfast, the list goes on. Right then is when I feel more tired then before I went to sleep. Aren’t you supposed to feel refreshed in the morning? The voices continue, judging my every decision throughout the day. Everything I do is wrong. They say I’m not spending my time the way I should. This only makes me want to keep doing nothing. When I do accomplish something, supposedly it was’t done right or I could do more. These voices are dangerous. If you let them linger long enough, you will quickly start to see everything go down hill. Your confidence starts to dwindle. Basic chores start to seem like the most demanding tasks. You become anxious over the smallest problems. You slowly begin to sink into a hole. How do you fix these voices? The can be overwhelming. They can control each day from the time you wake up to the time you go to sleep. This is what the bible says, “in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.” (Prov. 3:6) We don’t have to fall a victim to each day. We don’t have to stress over the things we haven’t done and the things we need to do. If we give each day to the Lord, He will guide us. Let His voice be the only one you listen to. Negative voices might be heard, but they will have no power if you focus only on God.

#voices #off the record

worshipgifs

13: Get Back Up

My depression is clever, I’ll give it that. It’s like coming down with the same sickness over and over. Every time it comes back, it gets a little stronger. It learns from its previous mistakes. It changes its mask. I can never identify it in time, but maybe that’s just me not wanting to admit that it’s returned. It’s been rough recently but what’s new? Life’s rough. I keep thinking I’ve gotten through the worst of a situation only to get hit by something harder down the road. I’ll admit I have my weaknesses. I have my sour moments. I definitely have my flaws. But I also have my gifts. I have treasures no one else has. I have negative baggage that positively connect me to others. Today I have my ill mind, but I also have my fighting spirit that writes to you now on this computer. I’ve finally accepted the balance. I’ve accepted that I can’t have one without the other. I’ve accepted that my depression will always be there to test me, but my spirit will be right behind, propelling me forward through the storms. It’s a dance. It is scary, knowing there’s no permanent cure for depression. That would require me to have a perfect mind, which is not a thing unfortunately. But it also makes me hopeful, knowing that when a wave of depression comes, that that’s all it is. A wave. It’ll soon pass, and I’ll get back up. I’ll keep moving forward. I’ll cherish and the times in-between the waves of depression, and look forward to a new beginning when I find myself stuck in one. But I will never give in. I will always get back up.

#get back up #off the record #motivation #depression

12: A Letter to My Love

I’ll stop looking for you. I know I’ll find you when you want to be found. I’ve been trying so hard lately, wondering if you’ve been in plain sight or if I haven’t been looking hard enough. I finally realized that I can’t speed up time. When I’m meant to meet you, I will. Until then, I’m going to focus on me. I’m going to make me better, for us. I’ll stop obsessing for now. I miss you like crazy, and I don’t even know you yet. I also love you like crazy. I think about you all the time. I think about us all the time. Everyday I wish I was with you, laughing, holding your hand, just being in your presence. But I know it’s not our time. One day it will be and it will be the greatest time of my life. I’ll wonder how I ever lived without you. You’ll be my strength and my weakness all at once. You’ll be my best friend and my life partner. But right now I’m going to take a step back. I love you. I miss you. I can’t wait to meet you.

- Your Future Wife

#off the record #love letter

11: Worry

Tell me what it is. Tell me how it works. Is it really as complicated as everyone says? Is it difficult to understand? I’m sure it is. But I bet it is really simple. I bet it is. We only make it complicated in our heads. Yeah. No one is simple, but we can’t control that, right? We can respect that the world is weird and hard to grasp. But we can also choose to not worry about that fact. Worry. Worry won’t change the world. It might motivate us, though. But would the worry ever go away on its own? Never. Never ever, ever. We can only choose to not worry. I can’t worry. It drives me mad. I do it anyway of course, but that habit is breaking slowly. We’re all working on something. All my problems circle around anxiety. Anxiety is there before I have a problem to link it to. Thinking way too much: It’s toxic. It’s unproductive. Just live. Just breathe. Just be. Be motivated without worry. Be passionate. Be different. Be happy. Where do we fall? We let success and failure define all these things. However, that might just be me. This is my perspective. You have yours.

#worry

cwote

please stay.

10: Drug

You’re a drug.

You fill the hole I seek; that’s love.

You pick me up where everyone leaves me.

You give me control, but slowly take it back at the same time.

How do you do that?

I forget how dangerous you are.

I fall into your trap, but I never want to leave.

I know your tricks.

I know you discretely amplify my pain, but it’s what I crave.

You’re my favorite illusion of happiness.

You bring peace when you bring me pain.

What’s that power you have?

You sit and wait for the right moment to grab me.

Even on my good days, I end up with you.

How have I not figured you out yet?

You make other people think I’m weak.

But I’m strong for not giving into you daily.

They don’t see that part do they?

They just see the scars you leave.

And you leave so many scars.

They see the missing light from my eyes.

You take an ounce of that light with each fix.

Fix after fix.

You leave me wanting more.

All I want is more.

More relief, more pain, more relief from all the pain.

Does that even make sense?

It’s a cycle.

A cycle. A cycle. A cycle.

I feel pain in my head, and you transfer it out.

You make me see the hurt I experience inside.

But the agony just grows back whenever I leave you.

It grows back stronger, and you can’t fix it.

I know you can’t fix it, but I run back to you anyway.

I hold you off, but I always come back to you.

You’re a drug.

And I’m just a girl looking for some love.

You used to scare me.

Now our relationship is complicated.

You know more than anyone else.

You know the darkest part of me.

You are the darkest part of me

You’re my drug.

You make me different from others.

You make me similar to others.

You’re my weakness

You taunt me until I cave.

And I know I’ll cave, despite how far I stray.

You’re my drug.

But that’s all you are.

I use you and leave you.

I’ll always leave you.

You are temporary satisfaction.

You are just a fraction.

You’re my drug.

But you will never be more.

I cave to you, but then I sore.

I let you in.

But you will never have complete control.

You propel me forward.

You keep me grounded.

You are the darkness that makes me appreciate the light.

I will always go back to the light.

I will always choose life.

You are a vacation from good.

But good is where I live.

Good is where love is.

You’re my drug

But you’re just an illusion of love.

#drug #self harm

cwote

Keep Going

No matter how bad things are right now

No matter how stuck you feel

No matter how many days you’ve spent crying

No matter how many days you’ve spent wishing things were different

No matter how hopeless and depressed you feel

I promise you won’t feel this way forever

Keep going

Little sketch inspired by post #9

9: Love - Simple & Limitless

I believe love is simple. It’s this supernatural magic that we mere beings could never fully comprehend. We do our best to imitate love, but we let ourselves get in the way. We put up walls, give compassion selectively, and try to change others in the name of “love.” I’m guilty of it myself. I analyze people and their motives, wondering how much of my kindness I should share with them. I worry that if I share too much, some people will get the wrong idea. It’s for selfish reasons. I perform this filtering and balancing process, because I don’t want to get hurt. I’m afraid to give love that I might not get back. But that’s the problem. Love is not something to rent out, but to give. I defeat the purpose of love by expecting it back and distributing it out as if there is a limited supply. With Jesus in my heart, love never runs out. Love isn’t easy, but it is simple: saying hi with a smile, being patient when things aren’t happening at the pace you want them to, and being happy for people in all their successes. I’ve learned that loving others gets easier with time and practice. I’ve learned that love is powerful, and the only time heartbreak comes along is when I try to use love to get something I want. There is so much peace in loving people. There is also much simplicity. But when my flesh wants to get in the way, when I start tallying ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ and when I try analyzing who is deserving of love, that’s when I limit a boundless force. I’ve been changed by the love I’ve received from others. They didn’t know it, but a simple hello from a friend was the only light I experienced on my darkest days. When I finally emerged from an abyss that held me down for years, I looked back and realized the loads of patience my loved ones had for me during that time. They never stopped believing that one day I would be healed. And when that day came, they praised the Lord with me with much joy in their hearts. From that experience, I see the power of love. I see that every act is equal, big or small. There was no motive or expectations. There was just unconditional, free-flowing love that transformed me from the inside out. Now I only hope to give the same love I have received, each day, without boundaries, and in the name of Jesus Christ.

#love #in Christ #boundless #limitless #free #unconditional

So last year I was deeply moved and inspired by this wonderful soul when she gave her testimony at Fields of Faith last year. She is brave, overflowing with compassion, and I'm blessed to call her my sister through Christ. I can't believe it's me now sharing my story a year later at the same event. Thank you Kels! You met me at the worst time in my life. You loved me and never gave up on me. Today I'm whole and I'm free and I couldn't have done it without you!😘

tblaberge

God, forgive me for seeking not your heart but rather that my heart would be saved first and foremost. Strip whatever evil plagues my soul; take back what is yours, take it all and make it new in your glory and grace. Your will be done, not mine, from now and forever more.

T.B. LaBerge // Thy Will Be Done (via

tblaberge

)

Amen!

(via jesusloving)