thots

[jeanjeanjeans]

i'm finding god (or religious experience) in those random moments

I used to think it was sexual, hormonal

then I thought disassociation 

But I think it’s everything all at once. Every feeling, my senses are tingling. 

those moments where you fall back, now I'm starting to come to

realize some things, not all times are the same. But from the moment in 4th grade reading class to the moment right after sunset in the filling station last week

comfortably floating along, fuzzy, slightly numbed

but sensing things around you in a different way.

I think I sense the change in energy.

[jeanjeanjeans]

being high as a Virgo is looking at your Venmo payments for an hour pretending to have different outsider perspectives

[jeanjeanjeans]

My dogs come outside to smoke a spliff with me, even in the frozen wet snow

@home 21719

[jeanjeanjeans]

He’s cummin

[jeanjeanjeans]

if you have a normal poop schedule I’m jealous of you

82218

[jeanjeanjeans]

still

It’s the music

Why am I mad now about being so happy

(A note on this: am I though? I have a lot of great distractions right now. But on my own... am I?

Yes, In a sense. I need to write but I’m doing so much SHIT that I don’t have time. At baker, away, I was. And alone, skiing, I was content. And I knew then that I had grown and I am growing from ending that 5 year debacle. But I’m still growing. Still, Home makes me sad. But that’s okay.)

I don’t hate everyone anymore so why am I scared

“Even with the lights out

I’m still feeling nervous

Keep it to myself

An island in a furnace

I don’t want to say it

I just want to lay here

Always on my mind

I’d rather we just know it

Needles when I’m talking

Nothing feels the same here

Pull myself together

While I’m getting older

I don’t wanna to say it

I don’t wanna answer

Keep it to myself

Tonight I can’t say nothing

...

Nothing was left to say

The silence is much better”

I DONT WANT TO KNOW

STOP

you would have never expected.

Just inhale to make it go away

Just play music and keep it calm

You can be there and love it and everyone and not be too invested

Just remember. All emotions are just emotions. It’s not as bad as it seems. Plus also ... sex

And I … I don’t want to know.

god damn it I’m so fucking horny

[jeanjeanjeans]

lyrics from “here if you want” 3818

I think I made something happen

I fell asleep in your bed

I’m wasn’t looking for loving, if I’m honest-

Couldn’t stop watching your chest

...

No I’m not ready to love yet...

And when at first I was guarded

What could it mean when I start to undress?

...

“The girl that you thought”

[jeanjeanjeans]

i’m gonna do it!

I’m gonna do something, fuck a being a cool cucumber I’m gonna do it (something?)

22118

[jeanjeanjeans]

synchronicity

$012118

[jeanjeanjeans]

good (ass) night

I’m so paranoid about jinxes but

It was

For many reasons

I don’t want it to be bad that I feel good about getting over

It’s fun to hope and mess around and not give a shit

$012118

[jeanjeanjeans]

I can’t hang I guess and now I’m awake at 5am after puking and passing out from WINE and bud at NINE MOTHERFUCKJNG PM and I feel like such an idiot. I’m making a fool of myself who the fuck does that. Obviously one could say that I’m over analyzing and that they won’t really hate me but the fact that their perception changed even a little negatively or condescending makes me want to die and aaron is mad and he keeps texting and calling and idk what he’s going to say in the “morning” and halloweekend will they dislike him think I’m different I’m fake I’m stupid I’m dumb why do I care so much what people think of me of him of us I’m so fucking dumb I wish I could take this back why can’t I handle anything anymore what can I say to make this less embarrassing what can I do to make sure THEY don’t think of me, to make sure THEY have a good time, that aaron doesn’t get weird, that I don’t get weird, that everything works out happy and good and friends even if im not happy i feel like a child, a fuck up, embarrassing I’m an idiot I just have to get that on paper- for reference- to sober and humble myself but it goes too far please don’t hate me @ everyone including myself

i’m embarrassing 101717

[jeanjeanjeans]

western washington university

idk if it’s thc or fake content but shits not half bad a car just blared past our window and I felt comfortable here. I am moving in a direction. Claire

93017

[jeanjeanjeans]

[jeanjeanjeans]

Weird but better change is coming am I ready will I be okay?

[jeanjeanjeans]

73117

i need adderall so bad right now I’m about to ‘wake up’ to go to bham in 8.4 minutes and I haven’t slept someone god i can’t be a normal human like this maybe I should smoke but I’m just gonna vapeToDeathTM in hopes of Calm

[jeanjeanjeans]

i feel lonely and scared

things are changing
 But I’m dealing with it better than I thought I could 72517

[jeanjeanjeans]

too lazy to step outside but too scared to smoke in my bedroom I'm scared of the sex offender(s in the world) it's also 2:39am I feel a little left out