iridescent. @jeanrichelle - Tumblr Blog

To my teenage self,

If you thought your childhood years were hard, wait until puberty hits. Your relationship with your mom is traumatizing and something you'll be talking about in therapy as an adult. Your priorities completely change and you become obsessed with dating.

You grew boobs, you realized looks play a part in this world and you befriended a girl you shouldn't have just because she was popular. You two made fun of your old friends that you once treasured so dearly. Don't worry, one day, you'll apologize to them.

You really should've joined sports or something competitive. Losing your virginity at 15 is so young. You rushed into it and you weren't ready. You still had so so so much more to experience before that.

You also realize that Girls are beautiful creatures. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You're not crazy, you're not sick. It's perfectly fine that you're attracted to both genders.

School isn't everything, but continue to study and read the things you're actually interested in. Your mom will scream and yell at you and beat you because you got a bad grade in math.. but don't worry, it's a scam and you'll forever be in debt. It doesn't guarantee anything and wonderful fulfilling life. Oh and if you can, choose a school with the semester system. The quarter system is much too fast paced for you.

Fuck the API crew, they're shallow and don't give two shits about you - hangout with the band geeks, hangout with the anime nerds; your most fond memories of high school will be with them and their loyalty is unmatched and you'll still be friends in your 30s.

Don't take AP classes in high school. They'll make you take placement exams and accidentally put you in way too advanced classes and skip above that you'll be completely loss in and flunk out of and your mom will tell you that you're a failure.

You'll experience heartache for the first time. You survive but it sure does linger. Let yourself feel it in its entirety.

Lastly, stop trying to grow up too fast. Stop trying to become an adult. Stop wanting to be an adult. I promise, it's not as fun as its chalked up to be.

Enjoy feeling reckless.

To my childhood me,

You were such a high-energy kid that my parents couldn't handle and didn't know or realize you needed an outlet for all that energy. You needed discipline and structure that wasn't just yelling and abuse.

You probably might've been better off in more competitive sports like basketball or soccer as a young girl rather than the Hula/Tahitian dance you'll be doing for 10+ years when you turn 12 - if only your Mom wasn't so sexist back then thinking girls were meant to stay indoors and be in the kitchen. She didn't know better. Thank her for teaching you how to cook, it's a rare skill as you grow older.

You don't know it yet but you'll realize that all of your best friends that every one else tells you are weird and odd people - that no one else wants to hang out with because they're different; you provide them a safe haven in this world and give them a friend they so desperately need. Because those weirdos, will rule the world in 20 years.

Keep reading everything and continue to watch all the anime and sci-fi shows you love. No matter how dorky or nerdy they seem now - you'll be in the cool kids club in your 30s. And that's way more fun.

Thank your Dad for raising you to be adventurous, especially with food. And for him always having dinner together. You learn how breaking bread and having a drink with someone is so vital to creating bonds with people.

Don't worry about the scar on your face from the Sante Nino statue - you're not cursed. In fact, the opposite. You were blessed. It won't change how beautiful you become.

It's okay that you're loud and you have big feelings - you're supposed to. You're just a kid. Enjoy it.

Lastly, don't worry so much about the future and wanting to be an adult. You turn out to be fucking awesome. Just you wait and see.

Rest in Peace Matthew Perry Thank you for being my Friend.

Autumn Leaves

Autumn Leaves | Ed Sheeran

Another day another life Passes by just like mine It's not complicated

Another Halloween passes by. November is officially here. When did days start feeling like minutes. Years are going by like days.

I've genuinely been having an existential crisis.. especially in regards to death. Just recently Matthew Perry passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. He was renowned around the world as the character Chandler Bing from Friends.

Chandler Bing was my favorite character. He was the friend that you wanted to have and would be your friend when no one else would. His character growth was unmatched and in fact I referenced his proposal vows to Monica in my own wedding vows to Eddie.

It got me thinking about if I'll be renowned for something.. Maybe I won't be world famous but.. I'd like to believe that each person on this earth that's living and breathing and walking has some type of purpose.

Death terrifies me. It scares me shitless. I think I fear that I'll lose all my precious and wonderful memories.. and it all just turns to black.

I truly hope my feelings with death change... some day I'll be thankful and feel like I've lived a full life. Death changes people.. and losing Chandler Bing..

His death really hurt me. More than any celebrity I've ever experienced.

A Night to Remember

A Night to Remember | beabadoobee & Laufey

Know you're thinkin' of what could've been But you've become someone I've seen before

Today rained for the first time in awhile. The sounds of the water falling from our rain gutters was so soothing - it put me in a trance.

I don't typically care for the cold weather. I've always been a mid-to-high 80s/90s girl. But for some reason as the years go by and the seasons change, I am drawn to the chill. I think it's all the things that the cold brings. Fresh air, fuzzy blankets, cozy games and all the hot drinks. Plus it's sweater weather. And although I detest the gusts of wind that would send my hair into knots and the rain that makes my makeup run..

It means Spring is coming.

Stand Still

Stand Still | Sabrina Claudio

Time's being wasted screaming Now listen I promise you'll heal me better

Hello again. I'm back earlier than I would thought I would be. I actually would like to get back to writing. I miss it dearly and I think I need a place to vent and express my thoughts.

I've been struggling with my sense of purpose lately. I'm not even sure if I have one. When you're in your youth and teenage years, you think being an adult is so cool and how grown-ups have their whole lives together. I'm 32 now and still feel like I'm searching.

I wouldn't say I'm unhappy because that's not the word I'm looking for...nor would I say I'm lost.. because I love what I do. Rather.. maybe plateau. As though I'm just getting by. Don't get me wrong.. I love my life and I learn new things and am challenged every day. Yet.. I still feel.. almost bored? Maybe bored isn't the right term for what I'm feeling too.

Ah, I know the word: ennui

I think I'm due for some excitement. The leisure type of excitement. The kind I can turn my brain off and truly relax or live in the moment.

I've been so caught up with the "what's next", I haven't really been able to enjoy the show presently.

Bewildered

Bewildered | Laufey

I'm so bewildered What's this new desire called? I didn't know that much at all 'bout love before But now, I think I'm learning

Hello Tumblr,

It's me again. It's been a long time since I've said hello on here. Thinking about it - my tumblr has been one of my longest - if not my longest withstanding social media platforms. It's kind of odd thinking about it. I originally joined tumblr on Jan 8, 2010 as xanga was becoming obsolete and my friends told me to use this instead.

Wow, how time flies. 2010... that was 13 years ago now.

I'm not even sure what brings me back to here. I rarely ever use tumblr nowadays and truthfully I contemplate deleting it every so often.

But there's this tiny tiny part of me, that still wants to write, escape the reality of the world and have that place that's just mine. For me that's here, my little tumblr.

A place that I can write down my thoughts and my feelings, leaving a small fragment of myself behind. Even if it is virtually. I want to be able to look back at this when I'm old and crusty, read back on everything and think, "Wow I had some life." And maybe, just maybe, if I ever do decide to have children or some random person 100 years from now does a deep dive into tumblr and stumbles upon mine. I hope they find this and if they're lost - that they read this and feel less lonely.

See you again soon tumblr. I'll do my best not to be gone too long.

Girl with a fuzzy jacket dated c. 2023 https://www.instagram.com/p/Cn6XB3tOEaP/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

08.22.22 3 Days after we got married, you got up at 0645, put on a full suit and tie, and packed your bags to leave our little family behind for 26 weeks. I dropped you off and I had to watch you walk into the unknown of the CHP Academy. I have never been so unbelievably proud.. and sad. We love and miss you, E. (at West Sacramento, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/ChnRyogPKg9/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

The pandemic better be over in a year… #MuchasGarcias818 (at San Jose, California) https://www.instagram.com/p/CSucoeZJSlC/?utm_medium=tumblr

#muchasgarcias818

Magic Shop

Magic Shop | BTS

문을 하나 만들자 너의 맘 속에다 Let's make a door in your heart 그 문을 열고 들어가면 Open the door 이 곳이 기다릴 거야 And this place will await 믿어도 괜찮아 널 위로해줄 It's okay to believe, the Magic Shop will comfort you

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and looking within. It’s hard sometimes, having to look at yourself in the mirror...trying to figure out what your purpose in life is.

Which is what I’ve been doing for a few days now.. Ever since the shooting it’s strangely been on my mind. Is there a reason it missed me, is there a higher plan for me or was it just coincidence?

I used to believe that I was destined for greatness. My name was going to recognized or that I would at least made a difference regardless if it was the whole world or one person.. Somewhere along the lines though.. My fire dimmed and grew quieter.. I accepted life the way it was, I became content with what I had and settled into routine. Which wasn’t a bad thing, I found happiness and learned to love myself. Now, I’m wondering what purpose is there for me, if there even is..

27 Dec 2020, 7:15PM-ish This is where I always sit at home. I come home and watch TV here, I relax after eating dinner here, I take naps and get drunk here. It is my spot on the couch. The gun shot missed. It missed me. It fucking missed me. All because I decided to lay down to watch TV instead of sit up. https://www.instagram.com/p/CJW4QLuhrpI/?igshid=11v2aa6nci4t2

About Me...

Today I thought I’d write a little bit about me. Since I haven’t written much in the last few years I figured I’d give a small list and introduction.

I’m 29 now. Thirty next year... T___T

I’m engaged since August 2020

Getting married August 2022

No kids (yet) but a pug named George

Working 2 jobs (still)

Haberdasher

Cupertino Hotel

Favorite Color: Yellow

Favorite Band: BTS (currently)

Favorite song: Mikrokosmos - BTS (currently)

Favorite Food: Korean or Japanese

Yes, to all food though!

Dishes? Maybe tteokbokki right now

Allergies: Caffeine

Not really “allergic” per se but I just can’t tolerate it and haven’t been able to for maybe 10+ years now

Bucket List:

Travel to Asia for like a month or even two.. hit up Korea, Japan, Taiwan, China, the Philippines, etc.

Currently Reading: I just finished, “The Hating Game” by Sally Thorne

At first I couldn’t get into it but it actually ended up making me laugh a lot.

Up next: “The Two Lives of Lydia Bird” by Josie Silver

Hobbies or Free-time activities:

Sleep - I don’t get enough of it lately

Meditate - this is fairly new to me but with the pandemic, I developed more anxiety and it’s really benefitted me

Watch TV - there’s so much content out there lately with so many different streaming sites

Virtual parties, face masks and distance... I miss the freedom.

Entitled: “2020″

- Jean Ruivivar, Haiku 8

today, i’m tired.

physically, mentally, emotionally tired.

i’m not really sure how much more i have to endure to be recognized and not overlooked.

in these moments, i always find myself anxious and questioning “am i supposed to be doing something different”?

the feeling of uneasiness.. how i know you so well.

Life Goes On

Life Goes On | BTS

어느 날 세상이 멈췄어 One day, the world stopped 아무런 예고도 하나 없이 Without any warning 봄은 기다림을 몰라서 Spring didn’t know to wait 눈치 없이 와버렸어 Showed up not even a minute late

I thought in this post that I would write about my own thoughts and feelings on how the 2020 COVID-19 Pandemic has affected me personally. Originally, I was going to continue with my love story about Eddie but today, being Thanksgiving 2020, I want to write about the things I am not only thankful for but also for things I am not thankful for.

To begin, I am genuinely content with my life and I have no regrets.

As of March 18, 2020, the world as we know it entered a Global Pandemic due to COVID-19. All restaurants, bars, shopping malls, public spaces and events were closed and halted while the only things left open were grocery stores and hospitals. People went crazy on toilet paper and paper towels while food and medicine were untouched. Which brings me to my first Unthankful Thing, the COVID-19 virus.. You really shit us, you know?

As for me, it was hard. Really hard. It still is. As someone who feeds off the energy of people, staying “socially distant” wasn’t in my vocabulary. Especially in the beginning, I experienced a lot of anxiety. I didn’t like being bored and hated the idea of my dreams and goals being put on hold. I’m such an impatient person, especially when I want to achieve something or get something done. And at the time, I had just left my job as a Flight Attendant to pursue my goal to becoming a bartender at Haberdasher. It was tough on me mentally. Which is another Unthankful thing, I wonder every day if I made the right choice leaving the skies. I think if I were a bartender by now, I wouldn’t have these second thoughts but now in these unprecedented times, I don’t regret it but I do worry because money is tight.

When the world first shut down, I cried a lot because I couldn’t see my friends or my family. I felt incredibly alone. I actually cried that night in the bar. I wasn’t sure if it was because I was drunk and I couldn’t control my emotions.. But it was still sad. During these days, I would lock myself in my room and stay in bed just barely eating. Eddie did everything he could to make me feel better, and here is my first Thankful thing. For Eddie. He has been such an amazing support in my life for the last 3 years that we have been together. I couldn’t have asked for a better quarantine life partner. Oh and of course George, my little boy. Who brings light, love, and easiness to my heart every day.

After about a month, Eddie and I made the personal choice to only see family and our coworkers in person. Of course with their permissions and ensuring that they too are staying socially distant from others. I was glad my circle got a bit bigger. I’ve learned to really lean on my siblings in this period. Which brings me to another Thankful thing. My siblings. We’ve always been fairly close to each other but this pandemic has really bonded us and brought us even closer.

I could rant more and maybe I’ll just make a list of Thankful and Unthankful things but for now, I’ll leave it here.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Your Eyes Tell

Your Eyes Tell | BTS

この先に何が待ち受けても Whatever lies in our way 遠くまで見つめるその向こう Look far into the distance 君がくれた場所は今も The place you gave me is still 心の拠り所でいるのさ Where my heart entrusts

Hi, its me again.

This time around I thought I’d write about Eddie. The story of how we met, how we fell in love, how he proposed, and where we are now. Indulge if you’d like:

The story begins after being a Flight Attendant after 1 year. After a year of being a Flight Attendant, I thought I’d try my chance at working a second job. I thought of a lot of different places but one that stood out the most was working late nights at a bar. I’ve always been interested in spirit history and been to so many different bars at that point that I wanted to immerse myself into the community. One of my favorite bars was one in Downtown San Jose, Haberdasher. A tiny little cocktail lounge that I ventured on my days off. I was subscribed to their mailing list and saw they mentioned they were looking to hire. I decided to take the chance. I applied and was hired almost immediately. That’s where I met Eddie.

In the beginning of our relationship, we weren’t really anything much. We hung out a few times, exchanged numbers, goofed around and flirted. It wasn’t until a fellow coworker of ours mentioned that he thought Eddie liked me. I didn’t think much of it until I texted him, “Hey, do you like like me?” How mature of me, right? He in turn responded, “Yeah, I do.”

I wasn’t sure what to respond, it was only a couple months that had passed that I just got out of of a serious relationship, I was still vulnerable and so I wasn’t really looking for anything. I wanted to be honest with him and told him that. He told me that he wasn’t either. We began dating and having fun. Our first date was to a comedy club during late October and Christmas in the Park afterwards. I remember the first time we had sex was in his neighbor’s empty house with a fire going. It was nice. It was fun. We got along really well. He made me laugh one of those non-audible laughs that hurt your cheeks. We joked around and I hate to admit it because at the time I was trying hard not to like him but I couldn’t help it, I was smitten.

After a month of constant talking and hanging out, I decided that I wanted to introduce him to my world. The world of being a Flight Attendant. This was a true test for me, the biggest downfall of my previous relationship prior was we couldn’t travel together. Being able to travel with someone is a love language to me, I was really nervous. I had a 24-hr layover in HNL coming up and decided to take him along. Needless to say, it was fantastic. We had such a great time in 24 hours. We ate a lot, drank a lot, had a lot of sex, and just learned more about each other. I was really trying not to fall for this guy.

A couple more months had passed and it was now December, I decided for us to take a spontaneous trip to NYC because I had a 24hr layover there. I setup for us to watch Lion King on Broadway & eat and drink at The Aviary. When we arrived, we wound up taking the subway and walked around Times Square. We found a tiny hole in the wall sandwich place that looked like a gas station that was run by a Korean lady. It was probably one of the best sandwiches I’ve had to this day. Lion King was breathtaking, The Aviary was a work of art. By the time we got back to the hotel room, I had a good buzz going and told him I loved him. He told me he loved me too.

To be continued...

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