❛ 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐈 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐍𝐊 𝐃𝐎𝐄𝐒𝐍'𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑. ❜ humorless statement , dropped drily from tightened lips and accompanied by a rolling of tense shoulders. his neck is still colored red , perhaps from the effect she has on him ( it drives him absolutely crazy : fingers twitch with the need to caress her own , eyes cannot completely leave her features , not for long. it’s torture , it’s forbidden , something he is not allowed to feel. but force , does he not feel it ! ) or perhaps from the oversharing of such information. not even to his master would he voice these machinations , sometimes not even to himself. there’s fear inside him , where it has always been , of being too different or not enough. do all the jedi question the order’s motives ? is he just not meant for this ? HE WANTS TO BELIEVE HE IS. that such agitations shall leave as he ages , leaving in their place a wise jedi —— the greatest jedi. though she would not betray him , anakin cannot satiate her curiosity : he doesn’t truly know the answer , he is just merely aware that this is the wrong path. call it intuition , insight. a hunch. ❛ i’m just a padawan , after all. ❜ is that bitterness that coats his words ? most definitely , yes.
𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐏 𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 , he wants to say. stop smiling or my heart will leap out of my chest. she’s so beautiful she might blind him , causes the thudding inside ribcage to accelerate. can an organ even beat this fast ? make this much noise ? SHE SURELY HEARS IT , THINKS OF HIM AS A SILLY AND INFATUATED BOY. so when she looks out to the sea , he follows , pretending that this isn’t awkward and that he hasn’t made a fool of himself. ❛ of course we did ! ❜ of course i did. such vehemence —— and so fitting in the mouth of a young man. he wears his heart on his sleeve though many times he’s been told to hide it , and it usually goes unnoticed. ❛ you are in danger , just like you were years ago. it would’ve been wrong not to help you. besides ——— you deserve it. ❜ and to him , she does. a brave queen once , now an equally as brave senator ; she’s a fighter , struggling to banish the evil of this world. their goal is the same , he realizes now. and they are not so different than he previously thought. glancing at her , eyes catch digits gripping the snippet , a victorious smile sneaking ‘pon pursed lips. HE MEANS SOMETHING TO HER , OF THAT HE IS CERTAIN. ❛ i’m sure anyone would’ve done the same. ❜ he’s teasing again , giving her his full attention.
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐘 𝐒𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐍𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐒 his full name almost makes his body shiver. he wants to laugh loudly , tell her how stupid her statement is. HE IS THE LUCKY ONE. the years apart from her had been darker though he only sees that now , and a world where they were strangers seems unimaginable. the notion sits on the bottom of his chest , heavy and with dread. ❛ NO. ❜ response comes rapidly. ❛ not in a thousand years. ❜ destiny had not given a little slave boy much , but his power and his friendships were more than enough. padmé was enough. he might miss his mother ( the love she had to give him , the safety he felt with her ) yet he would not give this up. WHO WOULD HE BE WITHOUT THE JEDI ? an empty man , another slave in a sea of faces. ❛ i don’t regret anything. ❜ it’s a clarification ( maybe useless ) so that she won’t think poorly of him , or worry about his happiness. and because he’s curious , because he doesn’t like being asked all the questions , he inquires in return. ❛ ——— are you happy , senator ? ❜
WHAT HE THINKS WAS EVERYTHING. IS EVERYTHING. Not in the way it once was ( or once was meant to be ) but it matters. It had always mattered, from the moment they’d met. It will always matter, even if he can’t know that.. ❛ Oh but it does. ❜ She’d trust his tactical mind before almost anyone else’s, had always admired that in him. In the future ( or their past ) it was the one constant she knew she could rely on. ❛ You shouldn’t think like that. ❜ If he had spoken his thoughts aloud, could things have changed? Would things have been different? His eyes on her burn, an entirely new kind of fire that sets her skin ablaze, so different from the way his touch once did. Her fingers tighten their hold of the necklace, allowing its ridges to dig into her fingers as she looks away, unable to meet his gaze without feeling a rush of heat in her cheeks & down her spine. ❛ You won’t always be. ❜ She wishes to say more, to insist that he is more, but allows the words to coat her tongue, bitter to match his tone & begging to be released. She can’t. Already he looks at her as if she’s everything when she can’t be anything. Not to him.
She chances a quick look at him & her heart falters before picking up its pace. Paired with the eagerness in his words, the way he almost neatly hands her his heart. Here, hers would have melted — if it hadn’t hardened to stone. Cracked & cold, still ( painfully ) beating, but she cannot let him know that. She’s not sure she’s able to hide the slash of pain that crosses her features & is grateful that he doesn’t yet know her expressions well enough ( & another crack appears upon hardened hard because she realizes her mistake ; it isn’t that he doesn’t know her yet — it’s that he won’t. Ever. ) She barely has the words to respond, grasps onto anything he says that she can reply to & pretend all was fine. ❛ Why? ❜ Eyes shut briefly as she forces a smile, tries to tell her heart to ease its incessant beating. ❛ I respect your sense of morality but — I don’t know why I would deserve it any more than any of my other colleagues. ❜ That wasn’t the why she was asking, but it’s the only why she can provide him. Padmé catches the way his eyes find the snippet around her neck & she lets go, as if burned by the touch of it. She takes the lifeline he provides, & hopes her expression matches his. ❛ Of course. ❜ Anyone would, but it was he who stood beside her right now, he who had come, he who had protected her then & protected her now.
Her eyes seek his at his denial, as if she needs to believe it, needs to see it in his eyes. She holds onto his gaze & his words like it’s the only land in her sea of torment. Somehow, the words, though a comfort, also cut her, deep within her chest — little, precise cuts, the kind you can’t see until they scab but bleed profusely all the same. It hurts so much she’s unable to breathe for a few seconds with the force of it all & she’s unable to meet his gaze any longer. I don’t regret anything. She’s not sure why the words hurt her so much, but oh God, how they do!
( But she will make sure that those words remain true — he won’t regret anything. He’ll stay like this — good, pure, & loving. He will never have to know the things she does. ) She’s caught so off-guard by his question, her own question turned onto her, that she unintentionally looks up — surprise & everything else still evident in her eyes, still coursing through her veins. ❛ Me? ❜
She was, once. She was so very happy. They had been so happy — or so she had thought. She had also been so happy here, with Anakin, another lifetime ago. She smiles, though it feels more like a crack upon her face rather than anything else. ❛ I’m happy that I’m able to do good for the people I care for. ❜ He need not know that while she may be talking about the people she represents, it’s not only them she speaks about.
