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KEVIN AND LEBRON

The following is a scene from the upcoming play Lebron & Kevin

INT - Group Therapy Kevin and Lebron are sitting on a couch across from a middle aged female therapist who is wearing a brown vest over a blouse.

KEVIN (holding a basketball) Sometimes when Lebron tells me to go in the corner I feel like he is freezing me out of the game and I feel left out.

LEBRON what are you talking

THERAPIST Lebron, you know that if you want to talk you have to have the talking ball

LEBRON Ugh

Lebron grabs the ball out of Kevin's hands

LEBRON I am a 4 time MVP and 2 time Nba champion. You have never even played in a playoff game before in your life and before me your best teammate was some teenager from spain. I know what it takes to win you can learn from me. Don't you remember my first year in Miami? I sat in the corner all the time while Wade did whatever.

They now pass the ball back and forth

KEVIN Yeah but I can do more than just stand in the corner. I averaged a double double last year.

LEBRON Yes on a shit team where you padded your stats.

THERAPIST Kevin, how does that make you feel?

KEVIN Not very good. Also the other night Lebron told me that he was tired and was just going to go home and then I see on Instagram he took a team photo.

LEBRON Yes that was pretty good. Look you aren't special. I constantly undermine coach in the media too.

KEVIN I don't get it. I came out east to finally play on a good team. To play for a team that was already built and I wouldn't have to a leader but this is not what I had in mind.

JR SMITH comes busting in the door

JR Yo lebron you done? This looks mad wack.

LEBON (laughing) Lets get out of here. This loser won't stop crying.

KEVIN (to therapist) You see!!!!!

JR Yo Kev next time just call Dr Phil!

Lebron starts cracking up and rolling on the floor laughing.

LEBRON Great reference bro. Keep that up and I'll tell Gilbert to add your brother Chris next year.

JR you mean it?

LEBRON Nah he stinks. This ain't the knicks.

They both laugh and walk out of there. Kevin has his head down.

END SCENE

Dan Gilbert's Re-Edited Letter to Lebron

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier (unless he comes back in 4 years from now)

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever "witnessed" in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment. Unlike this letter, which is nothing like the negative things I listed above.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you. Again, unless Lebron wants to come back in 4 years and then I taket his all back.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you. We will try to get every #1 draft pick we can get our hands on.

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal. You deserve Anthony Bennett, Dion Waters fighting with Kyrie Irving, an un-motivated Jared Jack and Luol Deng for a few months.

You have given so much and deserve so much more. (See above)

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING' WINS ONE" Whatever, the heat didn’t win last year so we both didn’t win the championship. I call it even.

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our "motivation" to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works. I kind of quoted the bible but not really.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown "chosen one" sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And "who" we would want them to grow-up to become. I put chosen one in quotes because I wanted to prove a point that he really is not the chosen one.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called "curse" on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former "King" will be taking the "curse" with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day....

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue....but really none of this matters because I would take Lebron back in a second and so would you. Yes I’m talking to you the people who burned his jersey. Please come home Lebron. We will hire the hot bucks owner anyway from them if you want.

Dan Gilbert Majority Owner Cleveland Cavaliers

Jim Dolan meets with Steve Mills on morning of December 12th

I now present to you a scene from earlier today at MSG. Int - dolan headquarter Jim dolan So did you speak to masai ujiri yet? He is the best person to make trades with. Always gives me top talent for a bunch of dumb annoying draft picks. Steve mills Yes, i did. He said we could get Lowry for our second round pick this year and since we cant give away a first round pick for a while, they would be willing to take our 2018 first rounder, not protected of course. Jim dolan Sounds great. Lets do it!! We need a point guard asap with felton being out for a month. Looks like we will have to change his special to msg endings. Jim evil laughs over that while stroking his goatee. Mills laughs to make jim happy. Steve mills Well he also said we have to give up both tim hardaway Jr and shumpert and we would have to take landry fields back. Jim dolan Great. Ive been dying to trade Shumpert all year and i didnt even know tim hardway was still in the league let alone on this team. Just make it happen. Steve mills Well, maybe i could ask for novak back over fields? Jim dolan Nonsense. Lets not play hardball here. Dont want to risk it. I didnt become owner of the knicks playing hardball with my dad. He just gave it to me. Lets just take this fields guy back. I honestly have never even heard of him and im sure nobody will even notice since we are getting a flashy new point guard. Steve mills I dont know Mr. Dolan, his contract is pretty awful Jim dolan Look im not paying you to think. I fired the last asshole because i told him to get me a former first round pick from italy who can shoot and he brings me back this bargnani asshole. I was talking about danillo! I even said give away a first rounder for all i care. Anyway we gotta get a point guard to keep melo happy. He hated playing with felton and im getting tired of him calling me up making fun of amare and his two step. If Melo walks this summer ill be so pissed. Maybe ill throw him in a cablevison commerical like i did with houston. That got him to stay. Steve mills Or the 100 million dollar contract you gave him! Jim dolan MILLS!!!!! Steve mills Okay okay you are right. It was the cablevision ad. Ill go make the call to masai and tell him we are in. Or better yet i could just call up the erie bayhawks and have chris smith shipped back to us to play point. I hear he is tearing up the d league. Jim dolan (Cracking up) Now that was a good one Steve. Oh one thing i need you to do before you make the call to masai, is update my facebook page. Jd and the straight shot just got booked new years eve to perform in the hamptons. Steve mills Sure thing End scene

Slam Magazine Part 2 (400-301)

This is part two of my review of Slam Magazines top 500 greatest players of all time. I’m not sure how you appropriately rank 500 players from all different eras, but Slam Magazine has managed to do it, while adding a hip hop twist to it. This is section 400-301. The first part (500-499) is located directly below.

400. Michael Cage 84-00 (Clippers, Sonics, Cavs, 76ers, Nets) If this is based on hair alone he is easily in the top 10. He had an unfair advantage because he was able to use the grease from his Jheri curl to keep defenders from being able to get proper footing in the post guarding him. His hair was so important that it influenced one the best 80s movies, “Coming to America.” Let your Cage glow.

393. Corey Maggette 99-Pres (Magic, Clippers, Warriors, Bucks, Pistons) One of the biggest perennial losers in the NBA somehow ranks in the top 400. If he is on your favorite basketball team you have no chance of winning a title and little change of getting out of the first round. Take the 07 Warriors for example. They upset the #1 seed Mavs and looked like they were on there way to becoming a force in the west. The next year they get Maggette and win under 30 games.

391. Jerome “Pooh” Richardson 86-98 (Wolves, Pacers, Clippers) If the only thing that people remember about you is that your nickname sounded like poop then you probably shouldn’t be on any sort of all NBA rankings list.

387. Dick Garmaker 55-61 (Lakers, Knicks) The 50’s were an era where white guys named Dick could get a job as a professional athlete.

379. Mark Eaton 82-93 (Jazz) I’m not saying he was overrated, I’m just saying that the game was slower back then and if he played today he would be known as Jeff Foster.

382. Hersey Hawkins  88-01 (76ers, Hornets, Sonics, Bulls) He was a classic, “hey that guys actually not bad” starter on some good teams, but never gets any credit. Hawkins was like a solid character actor for an Oscar nominated best picture. Shawn Kemp was a bloated Marlon Brando, Gary Payton was Pacino while Hawkins was Abe Vigoda. Yes, I did just compare the 96 Sonics to the “Godfather.” These things happen when you read Slam’s top 500.

376. Richard Jefferson 01-Pres (Nets, Bucks, Spurs, Warriors, Cap fodder) Jefferson was a good cog on the Nets teams that went to the finals with Jason Kidd. However, it has never worked out anywhere else and now gets passed around from team to team like a drunken sorority sister during pledge week. Who would you rather have Jefferson in his prime or the Godfather, Hersey Hawkins? Slam magazine I will never forgive you for giving Jefferson a better ranking.

375. Juwan Howard  94- Pres (Every team ever)  How many people out there can say they ordered the NBA League Pass and actually won an NBA Championship from it? Well, Juwan Howard decided he wanted to watch Heat games; ordered courtside seats and now is a 2-time NBA champion. He has made a gazillion dollars and his playing career has outlasted any of his Fab Five teammates. That has to count for something.

372. Antonio McDyess 95-11 (Nuggets, Suns, Knicks, Pistons, Spurs) He was an absolute beast before he got hurt. Then when he was damaged goods, Scott Layden (the awful Knicks GM pre-Isiah) decided to trade the team away for him (Camby, Nene, draft picks, gym equipment, interns, 2 knicks city dancers). Then Isiah came to town and out Layden’d himself. McDyess actually managed to bounce back and be a serviceable bench player for some good teams. No, I’m not still bitter about the trade and barely remember it.

364. Scott Skiles 89-96 (Bucks, Pacers, Magic, Bullets, 76ers) If this were a ranking of Bucks head coaches who got tired of yelling at Brandon Jennings and Monta Ellis to pass, and then quit on the team, Skilies would definitely crack the top 5.

355. Robert Horry  92-08 (Rockets, Suns, Lakers, Spurs) Sorry Slam, call me one of those rare weird hoops fans that values NBA championships and thinks that they are important. I guess in order for Horry to crack the top 200 he needed to have a dope sneaker line.

356. Steve Smith 91-05 (Heat, Hawks, Blazers, Spurs, Hornets, Bobcats)  Quick, what is your favorite Steve Smith moment? Trick question, there is no such thing.

346. Jameer Nelson 04-Pres (Magic)  I can think of 345 point guards I’d rather have starting for my team than Jameer Nelson.

344. Jim Jackson  92-06 (More teams than Juwan Howard)  Jim Jackson & Steve Smith; both players careers are as plain and boring as their names. Steve Smith's highlight was doing nothing to win a Championship with the Spurs and Jim Jackson’s best achievement was stealing Toni Braxton from Jason Kidd.

342. Vin Baker  93-06 (Bucks, Sonics, Celtics, Knicks, Rockets, Clippers)  We all know he was a huge drinker (nice way of saying alcoholic). You don’t get the nickname Vin and Tonic from just simply loving the band Tonic. However, I’m not sure you would want to party with Vin though. There is no middle ground when you hang out with someone who loves to drink. It will either be the best time of your life or he will be crying in the back of some bar and picking fights with everyone. I’ll never know why the Knicks had such a hard on for him. Oh yeah, they have the shittiest owner in sports and some of the worst GM hires in history. Good combination.

332. Danny Granger 05-Pres (Pacers)  Granger has only played a few years but that still didn’t stop Slam from ranking him under 400. Even though the Pacers went on to be better off without last year, Slam still thinks he has done enough to warrant this ranking. Nobody tell them about Paul George.

323. Gerald Wallace 01-Pres (kings, Bobcats, Nets, Cetics)  Go up to any Nets fan and tell them how stupid it was from Billy King to trade away the 323rd best player of all time. Then go find a Celtics fan and congratulate them on aquiring the 323rd best player for way under market value. Surely the 323rd best player to every touch a basketball is worth more than 10 million a year.

316. Kenny Anderson 91-05 (Nets, Hornets, Blazers, Celtics, Sonics, Pacers, Hawks, Clips) He definitely had the talent to be all time but never reached his potential. Circumstances out of his control derailed the nets big three of Anderson, Coleman & Petrovic. Drazen’s fatal car crash was the first blow and then Derrick Coleman pulling a Pizza the Hut and eating himself to death was the knock out. If you are a fan of shitty reality programing, you can see Anderson’s ex wife Tami (real world season 2 alumni) on Vh1’s “Basketball Wives.” Much like Robert Horry’s championship rings, that has to count for something.

308. Sam Perkins 84-11 (Mavs, Lakers, Sonics, Pacers) One of the first bigger guys I remember draining 3’s. He always looked stoned. Was that ever proven or he just seemed high? There was no clever nickname with him and marijuana like Vin and Tonic, so I have no way of knowing.

302. Rashard Lewis 98- Pres (Sonics, Magic, Wizards, Heat) Was a nice player on the Sonics and then got a huge contract with the Magic that there was no way he could have ever lived up to. He dropped off faster than Mase after his first album. How do you like that reference Slam? The theme of the 300’s seems to be that you should join the Heat if you like enjoy getting paid to watch basketball games with the opportunity to win a ring. Although, I’m sure out of all of the players on this list he could definitely hit the most home runs.

SLAM Magazines Top 500 Players of All Time

In honor of the NBA lockout finally coming to an end every sports writer is choosing two angles. Either what they are looking forward to about the upcoming season or what each team will look like after the free agents are signed and the amnesty clauses are waved. That’s why I’m going to take a different approach. I’m going to review SLAM Magazines list of the 500 greatest players ever.

I haven’t read SLAM Magazine since high school and had no idea it even still existed. When I saw they were attempting to rank the top 500 NBA players of all time, I had to purchase it. How can you accurately rank 500 players from all different eras?

If you are unfamiliar with this publication it’s a basketball magazine with a hip-hop twist. Think King Magazine with slightly more basketball. As a kid being into both rap and basketball SLAM was right up my alley. You weren’t get insightful stories on the 96 Bulls but you were getting exclusive coverage on what kicks Jordan was wearing at home games.

The thing I remember most about SLAM Magazine was actually the back ads for weighted sneakers that guaranteed to increase your vertical leap and enable you to dunk. If I had any money at 14 years old I could be telling you firsthand what a rip off those sneakers were.

They are calling it a collector’s issue. I own it. Am I a collector?

This part covers #500-#400

500. PERVIS ELLISON 89-01 (Kings, Bullets, Celtics, Sonics) SLAM starts off the countdown with a former #1 pick. I bet he was nervous if he would make the cut.

499. DAVID WESLEY 93-07 (Nets, Celtics, Hornets, Rockets, Cavs) He is #1 at racing with his friends and killing them.

498. CUTTINO MOBLEY 98-09 (Rockets, Magic, Kings, Clippers) Best pickup the Knicks ever had. He was also the gay lover, I mean super close B.F.F. of Steve Francis. Its not like he ever implied that he had no reason to live when Francis got traded off the rockets. Just like I never said I have no reason to live when my first girlfriend broke up with me in college.

497. CHRIS KAMAN 03-Present (Clippers) Totally racist. He should be ranked in the 300's. Next thing SLAM is going to tell me Hulk Hogan was the 497th best WWF wrestler of all time. Fun Fact: He is actually a cannibal.

496. KEVIN DUCKWORTH 86-97 (Spurs, Blazers, Bullets, Bucks, Clippers) There is no way you didn't call him Suckworth when you were a kid. Lets move on.

493. JOE SMITH 95- Present (Every team ever) That makes two former #1 picks going in the bottom 10 spots. No love for Michael Olowokandi yet. Kevin Mchale thinks Joe Smith should be ranked in the top 50.

489. GENE "TINKERBELL" BANKS 81-97 (Spurs, Bulls) If your nickname is Tinkerbell it means you are either a fairy or the toughest motherfucker to ever step foot on a basketball court. Which one do you think this Tinkerbell is?

488. SALEH FROM "THE AIR UP THERE" Okay, I made this one up, but you were thinking its possible SLAM listed him. I thought he was Hakeem Olajuwon when I saw this movie as a kid.

487. JOE "GRABBO" GRABOWSKI 42-62 (a bunch of racist teams that are extinct like Nashville Indian Givers & Idaho Indian Burns). I'm sure the editors at SLAM watched a ton of his games and accurately ranked him. Fun Fact: Grabbo is coming!

486. MANUTE BOL 85-95 (Bullets, Warriors, 76ers, Heat) Hands down the best 3 point shooter over 7'5.

470. LARRY HUGHES 99-10 (Almost as many teams at Joe Smith) Can you really put Larry Hughes on any best of list? However, I would definitely rank him on the list of top 500 combo guards Lebron James played with on that miserable 07 Cavs team. Fun Fact: If he played with Grabbo, he would never pass to him and that's just not cool.

463. GRANT LONG 88-03 (Heat, Hawks, Pistons, Grizzlies, Celtics) Career average of 9.5 PPG 6.1 RPG & 1.2 SPG apparently earn you the 463rd best player of all time slot. Fun Fact: You have never thought about Grant Long ever.

461. DEVIN HARRIS 460. KENDALL GILL 459. KERRY KITTLES 90-Present (Nets various years) Lets just lump a bunch of Nets players together and move one. Lazy SLAM, did you think we wouldn't notice.

457. JASON "WHITE CHOCOLATE" WILLIAMS 98- Present (Kings, Grizzlies, Heat, Magic) He should be ranked lower but because he has hip hop flavor he gets a good ranking. Thats is still racism in my book.

454. HEDO TURKOGLU 00- Present (Kings, Spurs, Magic, Raptors, Suns) If this were based on looks he would shave his butt and walk backwards.

JOSH HOWARD 03- Present (Mavs, Wizards) If he didn't give up basketball for smoking weed he would probably be higher but not higher.

448. CHARLES SMITH 88-97 (Clippers, Knicks, Spurs) Not in NYC.

444. SHANE BATTIER 01- Present (Grizzlies, Rockets) He's ranked here because when he plays defense on Kobe Bryant he covers Kobe's eyes. No sign yet of Malik Rose and his patented tug on the shorts defense.

431. MIKE MILLER 00- Present (Magic, Grizzlies, Wolves, Wizards, Heat) Soon he will be ranked higher because he is the final piece for the Heat that will bring them a championship. Well at least that is what I heard when they signed him last year. Fun Fact: He won the rookie of the year award in the weakest rookie class since Grabbo was coming.

427. DON NELSON coached Warriors, Mavs and Knicks for a weekend. How can a coach be ranked as a top player? I doubt he played; he's too fat and old to play.

419. BRIAN GRANT 94-06 (Kings, Blazers, Heat, Lakers, Suns) Stop it.

413 AL HARRINGTON 98- Present (Pacers, Hawks, Warriors, Knicks, Nuggets) I don't care how many Protege sneakers he sells at K-Mart, there is no way Slam can justify putting him here.

410. LEON from "Above the Rim" Okay look, I made this one up too. But seriously, he could ball in jeans. Could any current NBA player step on the court cold and finish off 2pac's ringer team?

405. CEDRIC CEBALLOS 90-01 (Suns, Lakers, Mavs, Pistons, Heat) If he didn't do a blindfolded dunk I bet he would be #407.

402 KERMIT WASHINGTON 73-88 (Lakers, Celtics, Clippers, Blazers, Warriors) Obviously SLAM is advocating fighting

401 QUENTIN RICHARDSON 00- Present (Clippers, Suns, Knicks, Heat, Magic) How can someone who just stands in one place all game be a top 500 player of all time?

#nba #top 500 of all time #slam magazine #michael jordan

Fantasy Football Preview

The NFL season is almost here and that means its time for Fantasy Football. I’m going to tell you who is hot and who you shouldn’t touch under any circumstance. I have won every fantasy football league I’ve ever been in dating back to the famous Y.A. Tittle amazing 15 touchdown season of 1956. Back then I won my league with just 60 total fantasy points. That’s all you needed to win back then.

QB: Scorching: Kevin Kolb - Cardinals

The Cardinals gave up a second round pick and a very good young cornerback, Dominique Rodgers Cromartie to get Kevin Kolb. So that means he must be awesome and on his way becoming an elite QB. Don’t let Kolb’s career 7 starts (11 TDS & 14 INT) fool you. Canton is calling and you must draft Kevin Kolb if you want to have any hope of winning your fantasy football league. Draft: first pick overall.

Fantasy Gold

Side note: If you are doing a live draft don’t tip your hand by wearing your new Kevin Kolb Cardinals jersey to the draft. I know you are excited but you got to hold off. Feel free to take it out and put it on and gloat as soon as you draft Kolb.

Stay Away at all costs: Tom Brady - Patriots

My butcher is besties with a guy who knows someone who is Gisele’s personal shopper. Apparently Tom Brady is sooooooo not into this season and couldn’t care less what happens. He just wants to perfect his Bieber haircut and watch the other kind of football, futbol. Stay away at all costs. Draft: Never!

No Way Jose: Mike Vick - Eagles

The Eagles are just plain stupid for letting future Hall of Famer Kevin Kolb go and are now stuck with Mike Vick. It is super cheesy to use Vick in Madden, so now how do you think Andy Reid feels being forced to use Vick every Sunday. The correct answer is that he feels like Velveeta. He will get hurt at some point during the season because he plays so recklessly. Also he kills puppies. Draft only is Rae Carruth is off the board.

Sleeper: Curtis Painter - Colts

He is technically sleeping right now but once he wakes up he is going to be the stud you need when Payton Manning realizes he is too old to play this season. Painter is more rested then anybody else in the league so he will be extra ready when called upon. Take him in the 4th round and let the fantasy trophies roll in.

You want me to do what?

RB: Sizzling: Jahvid Best - Lions

If you didn’t know anything about football and could only draft players based on last names, wouldn’t you take a guy whose last name is Best over his backup Jerry Shittyfootballplayer. I thought you would. Best will have a huge season.

Run Away: Ahmed Bradshaw - Giants

Never met a fumble he didn’t like. The only RB that knows what it’s like to fumble in every NFL, Arena & college football stadium in the country. He also fumbled on the set of Tyler Perry Presents “Give Dat Man Da Ball” playing the role of Fumblin Frankie. But that time fumbling was in the script.

Sleeper: Tiki Barber - Whatever team he feels like playing for

Tiki has decided to comeback to the NFL and the lucky team that he chooses will get a great running back. I understand you might be skeptical about picking him up for your fantasy team because he hasn’t played in the NFL in a while. But you have to understand this is not hosting the Today show, or trying to be an actor, or even staying faithful to your wife who you have multiple kids with, its playing in the NFL. Something Tiki knows how to do. Expect big things from Tiki this season and a new QB to be told that he is a shitty leader.

Tiki is better at football than this

WR 2 hot 2 handle: Plaxico Burress - Jets

You saw what Mike Vick did and he was only in jail for a year. Just imagine what Plaxico is going to be like after having been in jail for double that time. I think being in jail is like that movie “The Longest Yard.” Where you get to play a lot of football and its not as rapey as you would think. Someone dropped the soap is now officially replaced by someone just caught 70 balls and got 10 TDs this season. Plaxico will do this all on one foot because he shot the other one off. Draft him in the 3rd round.

Amazeballs: Chad Ocho Cinco - Patriots

I’m really high on Ocho Cinco this season. He will be living with a fan for the first couple of weeks of the season. This fan will be getting on his case if he isn’t putting up big numbers. Ocho will want to avoid the following scenario…... “Hey Ocho, no x-box 360 tonight because you only got me 5 fantasy points and I lost this week because of you!” Draft him in the 2nd round.

2 cold to 2 hold: Andre Johnson - Texans:

Stay away. Lets play the percentages here. He has now had 3 amazing healthy seasons in a row. He is due for a let down. Prediction: 90 receptions and 8 TD’s. A very down year for Johnson. Let someone else deal with this slacker. Do not draft under any circumstance.

Buzzkill City: Austin Collie - Colts

I wrote an email to Austin Collie and below is the conversation:

Dear Austin I’m writing a Fantasy Football Draft Preview. How do you think you will do this year and do you think people should draft you early?

Thanks Jeff Cerulli

Dear Jeff,

Thanks for writing to me. I think I’m really going to have a great year. Payton and I have been working all……..ouch. My son just hit me in the head with a bat. Where was I? Oh yeah, so I think that, shit! A shelf of books just fell on my head. I’m getting a bit woozy now but I think I’m going to pull through and finish this email. So with the season about to begin, WHAT THE?

Sorry, I just collapsed and was knocked unconscious for 2 hours. A tree from outside just crashed in the house into my room and landed on my head. Why does this keep happening to me!! Why god why me!!!

So as I was saying, I do not think my name sounds at all like an animated superhero dog. Hope that helps you out.

XOXOX Austin Collie

The XOXO was a nice touch, but you still should stay away.

Sleeper: Brandon Marshall - Dolphins

If he can finally admit why he has been such a dick his whole life then I don’t see any reason that he can’t catch 100 balls and score 15 TDs this year.

TE: Wowzers Bo Sciafe - Bengals

Last year I once used the Titans in Madden and I killed my friend by mainly just using Bo Sciafe. It was one of those I’m going to use a shitty player and destroy you with him to show you how much better I am in Madden than you moves. Well, I taped the game and sent the footage to Jeff Fischer so he could see how to properly use Bo Sciafe. Hopefully Jeff gave the footage to the new Titans coach and then that coach gave the footage to Marvin Lewis, because if he did, we are going to have a huge Bo Sciafe year. Draft him in the 3rd round.

The infamous Bo Sciafe gamefilm

Loserville: Vernon Davis - 49ers

I don’t trust any football player that leaves the game crying because a Jesus freak coach told him that he wasn’t praying hard enough. Draft him only if all other TE are taken. Yes I’m including Mark Bavaro & Ben Coates.

K Unless you are an idiot you don’t take a kicker before the 3rd round. Who cares. Just take the Packers kicker. They won the superbowl so they obviously have the best kicker.

Somebody wearing on the of top 5 worst jerseys in NYC. I bet he wishes he could get his hands on a Lebron James CYO jersey.

NBA Lockout Causes Players to Sign Overseas

With the impending NBA Lockout looming players are left scattering for employment to stay off the streets. Ray Lewis claims that if the NFL lockout doesn’t end that crime will rise. Fortunately for all of our families the NFL lockout is almost over and players are ready to go back to work. However, the same thing can’t be said about the NBA. Next season is in serious danger and some players are making plans to play professionally overseas. Deron Williams of the Nets is the pioneer of this movement being the first to bolt and sign with Bestikas, a Turkish pro basketball team.

Let’s take a look at some of the other recent overseas moves:

Andrei Kirilenko (Jazz)

Signed: Moscow Kremlins

Country: USSR

Andrei will be the star of a team that still exists from back when he was a relevant NBA player. He speaks the language and will get his own bear. The teams coach Vodka Drunkenski is very excited to have Kirilenko next season. Kirilenko hopes to average a triple double. That’s double digits in points, assists and not dying.

Kobe Bryant (Lakers)

Signed: Besitkas

Country: Turkey

With this signing Kobe gets to do what he does best. Try and steal the spotlight from another player who was there first, Deron Williams. Kobe should have no problem complaining to Deron to get him the ball exactly where he wants it. This move should actually work out because Kobe can only win titles when he plays with another high level all-star. Plus it’s a great way for him to throw Derrick Fisher under the bus by gushing about how he’s never played with a PG at this level. Kobe Bryant’s beaver face translates to I want to eat you in Turkey.

Brandon Jennings (Bucks)

Signed: Pallacanestro Virtus Roma

Country: Italy

Jennings will run the point for the team he averaged an amazing 5 points per game and 2 assists per game in 2008 after high school instead of attending the University of Arizona. He is excited to just chill on the bench most games as opposed to having to start and play 40 minutes a game for the Bucks. He is a little bummed that he can’t go to his favorite restaurant, The Olive Garden in Milwaukee. Jennings went on to say “now where am I gonna gets my never endings pasta?”

Eddy Curry (Free Agent)

Signed: Cool Runners

Country: Jamaica

His relaxed style of play and laid back approach to the game will be appreciated in Jamaica. The team practices are held on the beach and are usually just family reunion style beach volleyball games. The teams coach, Heymon Imjamaican is excited about going out drinking with Eddy every night. While Eddy might be the best player on the team he will be only the fourth best drinker. The teams current leading rebounder, Dontrell Marley averages two hey mon that’s my rebounds a game. Eddy hopes to open the first day care buffet center in Jamaica.

Ricky Rubio (Timberwolves)

Signed: Joventut

Country: Spain

Ricky is happy that he doesn’t have to actually go to Minnesota and is hoping that when the lockout ends his contract will be done and he can go play for the Heat. He said he’ll take Juwan Howard and Joel Anthony any day over Michael Beasley and Wesley Johnson. Rubio will still keep his contract with Gillette from 2008, even though he has yet to play one single NBA game.

Josh Childress (Suns)

Signed: Olympiakos

Country: Greece

Josh Childress can now resume his life being a basketball god. While his stats aren’t going to blow you away from his first time around with Olympiakos (8.8 points, 4.6 rebounds, and 1.1 assists) it still doesn’t stop him from being the greatest thing in Greece. He gets his own room as opposed to every other player who has to share one small room together. He also gets the first choice on any women that the team passes around. Josh will also star in his own reality show called “The Adventures of J-Chill.” Follow Josh as he plays basketball in the day and moonlights as the owner of the most happening diner in all of Greece.

Andy Rautins (Knicks)

Signed: Yemenites

Country: Yemen

Andy will get his own goat to travel to road games. He will be the Larry Bird of Yemen. However, players don’t usually like to shoot from behind the arc because it is too dangerous. Twenty six players died last year trying to do that. The leagues commissioner, Mohammad Mohamed Elsheikh vowed to cut some of the barb wire around the court this season. Yemen Currency, the Yemeni Riyal will now feature Andy’s face on it and be called the Andy Riyal. 15,000 Andy Riyal is worth 48 minutes of sitting on the bench in America. I’m not sure how the Andy and Landry show will translate in Yemen.

Mark Jackson

Signed: Coronas

Country: Mexico

Mark is very excited to be the new coach of the Coronas. Mark said “My oh my. Momma I said Momma I like what I see here. When you have a Jose Sanchez down low in the post mixed with a young speedy Juan Valdez Jr. running the point, you have a great core for your team.” He also went on to say “Ronaldo Gonzalez is a bad bad man and I can’t wait to smoke my first cigar after the team wins our first cock fight I mean basketball game.”

#nba #kobe bryant #nba lockout #lockout #mavericks #eddy curry #humor #stuff

Five Worst Jerseys

Is there an age that you become too old to wear a jersey? Some people would say that you are never too old and it is a great way to support your favorite team. Other people would say after you hit puberty you should probably retire your jerseys. Whatever the correct answer is I think we should all agree that some jerseys should never be worn under any circumstance.

Here is my list of the 5 worst jerseys you should never wear.

1. Black Jersey/No particular team all star jersey

What is the point of this jersey? You aren’t supporting any team, player or league. You are just wearing a blank jersey. It is just for a mock team. Don’t mess with me, I’m number 55 on the black with red trim team.

What this says about you:

You shop at Sears. You probably don’t vote. You joined a frat in college to go along with everyone else. You can’t even pick a side on Israel vs. Palestine.

2. Iverson football jersey

What compelled Reebok to even make this jersey in the first place? I know Allen Iverson was a great football player in high school but he was a professional basketball player. This is just total nonsense.

What this says about you:

You don’t actually watch sports. You saw this on the clearance rack at Modells and figured you try to fit in with friends who actually know something about sports.

3. Every Team

Why pick one team when you can have them all.

What this says about you:

We have all met this type of person. If you wear this jersey, you are a huge Lakers and Yankees fan. You also swear you have always like Dirk Nowitzki and the Mavs. Also you were a big Bulls guy back in the 90’s. You have a desperate need to be liked by everyone and it sickens me.

4. Lebron High School Jersey

Wearing this jersey is just weird and creepy. Let me get this straight. You are a middle-aged man and you love Lebron James so much but you just wished he stayed in the 10th grade forever. What do you want to take him to the prom? You want to buy him beer? Its okay, I think he has an entourage of 150 people to do that. Oh yeah, he’s also 26 now, sorry.

What this says about you:

NAMBLA

5. Customized Jersey

You are not on the Lakers so just stop it. You know the old saying. For those of you who can’t play just buy a nba jersey with your last name on it. It’s pretty much the same thing.

What this says about you:

You love to pretend you have a life.

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A commercial for Praytorade. A sports drink that helps you get closer to god.

Ben Roethlisberger first day of mandatory NFL sensitivity training

EA SPORTS HOLDOUT 2011

This is the official review for the upcoming release of EA Sports Holdout 2011. Finally you can be a real professional baller with EA Sports Holdout 2011. Nobody can hold you down as you just sit around and wait for that paper to come in. Choose any current player in the NFL or create your own player to hold out with. This is a daring title for EA Sports. Much like the infamous Head Coach series, you don’t actually ever play any football. I find this to be refreshing and a nice change of pace. It works because the game puts you in the mindset of what it is like to be a professional athlete and you feel exactly how hard that can be.

The whole point of the game is to hold out and get as much money as you can. Once you do that and you get paid, the game is over. However, getting to that goal isn’t so easy. Obviously depending on the player you choose and how skilled a negotiator you are the difficulty varies. If you pick a player like Tom Brady there isn’t much of a challenge. You have great leverage after winning multi super bowls and taking less money on your last contract because you were looking out for your team. However if you play the game with Kellen Clemens you have very little leverage. You have failed every QB challenge your team has thrown out at you and have lost the starting job to 3 different players. Good luck getting your money. I once ran through the game using JaMarcus Russell. I tried to get any team to take me for only a one-year deal with no guaranteed money valued at $4,000. I ended up overplaying my hand, not offered a contract by a single team and was forced to sell grape drank on the streets.

The game plays like any Rockstar open-ended sandbox game. You can go through the missions, but you are also free to do whatever you want. Sit in your crib playing spades, call all of your baby mommas, go on twitter and tweet to the only people who will understand, your hard working lower to middle class fans. Tell them how your team is blocking you from putting food on the table to feed your family. If 120 million dollars won’t do then you have to hold out. Those are just a few of the endless things you can do in EA Sports Holdout 2011.

Opps, I think I sold them bad grape drank.

There are a variety of different setting and modes to play on. Some of the best are as follows:

Cousin Agent Mode:

Where you hire your cousin who didn’t even graduate high school to rework your sweet new deal. He may not have the best business sense but he is family and you are going to stick by him. He may not get you much guaranteed money, but he will definitely work out a deal that when you are playing in your hometown your family will get plenty of free tickets for the game. Which brings us to our next level.

Greedy Family Mode:

Its not enough to just hire your cousin as your agent when you up the difficulty and turn Greedy Family Mode on. You got your family of 50 all reaching out for something. Depending on how many baby mommas you have, this can be very hard. You have to find a way to balance getting that new contract and now dealing with kids, drug addict uncles, and random old friends that keep popping up. If you want to make things a little easier on you, turn on auto equal Christmas presents for everyone. This way you don’t get into any trouble with the ex wife.

Master P Agent:

Exactly what you think it is. Superstar Rapper Master P comes out of retirement and becomes your agent. Do you think you have what it takes to be a No Limit Solider? Do you like incentive based contracts? I played as Tavaris Jackson and got this sweet new deal from the Vikings: 3 years, $6,000 per year. This upcoming season if I throw 75 touchdowns, rush for 5,000 yards and only throw 2 interceptions it escalates to 16 million per season. However, if Favre ends up coming back I’m basically homeless. I recommend having some real fun and reuniting Master P with Ricky Williams.

New Rookie Mode:

Want to play as an upcoming rookie who hasn’t done a damn thing in the NFL yet? No problem, EA Sports Hold Out 2011 has you covered. You can now play as a rookie who is holding out for more cheddar. Lets say you are a hotshot receiver with a drug problem whose stock dropped during the draft because you failed a pee test. It doesn’t matter where you were actually drafted it matters where you think you should have been taken. Tell your team that you are the best WR in the draft class. That you have more talent than the 5 WR that were taken before and hold out for the money you deserve.

Uncle Holdout:

It’s where your fat uncle who held out an entire season 13 years ago is giving you advice throughout the whole process. This is obviously only for use for Darelle Revis. Will he give you good advice? Are you prepared to sit out a full year with a lock out lingering next year? Are you going to be forced to shoot more Revis Island commercials? Some of the questions you will face using this mode.

Talents to South Beach Mode:

Where after much fake deliberating you eventually take the easy way out and join a pre made championship team. In this mode you will have to trade Drew Brees and Adrian Peterson to the Dolphins.

Reality Show Hold Out:

When just twittering isn’t enough. You need attention and you need it fast. Start your own reality show and get Middle America housewives who don’t follow football on your side. Date girls and eliminate them bachelor style, do sit-ups shirtless on your driveway, eat Vaseline and talk about how hot it would be to make out with your sister. Do whatever you have to do to make that money kid.

Friend A Rapper Mode:

This is risky. You will definitely gain notoriety by traveling the world with a famous rapper. On the other hand it might not help your contract negotiations and you might end up in jail.

Failed Condition Test:

This was my personal favorite. I played as Albert Haynesworth, a washed up DT who used to put up great numbers. I had a blast walking through my conditioning test, taking 20 minute bathroom breaks in-between walks to nullify the results, and eating KFC double down sandwiches in the blazing August sun while wiping the sweat off my brow with all of the $100 bills I earned from my previous contract.

Disruptive Camp mode:

Who says you can’t hold out and still have fun with your boys at training camp. I played as Brandon Marshall and wrecked havoc at training camp. I kept pouring Gatorade on coach Sparano while he was talking to the players. I kicked all of the practice footballs into a nearby swamp. I put itching powder in Chad Henne’s jock strap. The topper was when I ordered 100 pizzas to the New York Jets training camp.

Locked Up Mode:

In this situation I took Plaxico Burress fresh out of rikers and looking for work. I held out because I needed to compensate for years I got locked up for shooting myself in the foot. It wasn’t easy but I got the Raiders to give me the extra 10 years I was looking for.

Sorry, EA didn't include dogs so you just have to kill people

Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 5.

EA Sports has a hit on their hands with this adventurous new title. A small percentage of buyers might be upset that you don’t actually play any football in the game. However I think once they realize how much fun it is to get attention from fans, hang out with your bros, sleep with multiple girls, complain about the man, and do all of the other things that make being a professional athlete so great they won’t even notice that there is no actual football being played in this game.

The game runs really smooth and the graphics really show off the power of the next generation consoles. When I was playing as Albert Haynesworth and I entered him into a Hot Dog Eat Contest you can really see the sweat and food flying out of his mouth in all its disgusting glory. I played as Vince Young and was in the midst of a nasty contract dispute with the Titans. Things weren’t going anywhere so to spice things up and have a little fun I stole a car, went up to a strip club, and shot two hookers in the snatch. You have not seen what Vince is really capable of until you see him running away from the cops in full 1080p HD at 60 fps.

Glorious

Since you have nothing to do all day except hang out there are so many features that make the lasting appeal so immense. One of the most advanced features in the game is that you can download pretty much anything off of Xbox Live Network and incorporate it into the game. For example, you can download Street Fighter 2 and play as Braylon Edwards holding out playing Street Fighter 2. I must have dropped Guile’s gun a 1,000 times during that situation. How about watching Soul Plane as Chris Johnson holding out. The game is deep, the outcomes are virtually endless and most importantly its extremely addictive and fun. That’s why I can’t recommend EA Sports Holdout 2011 enough.

Hard Knocks last night

Best Moment: Rex Ryan's David Mamet like speech to the team was amazing.

Funniest Moment: When Sanchez had to stay after class and go over his goals with Brian Schottenheimer.

Worst Moment: Shots of Antonio Cromartie throwing heavy tires around. Is this going to replace Revis?

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