Idiot Wars, Episode I: A New Dork
Disc.: Star Wars belongs to Lucasfilm Ltd.; created by George Lucas.
Homer Simpson belongs to 20th Century Fox Film Corporation; created by Matt Groening.
Long ago in a Badpun Galaxy far, far away…
COMMANDEERED BY THE SINISTER MASTER MUD, AN ARMY BY THE NAME OF THE TYRANT PARTY IS SEEKING UNIVERSAL DOMINATION BY MEANS OF A BATTLE STATION-TYPE "WHATCHAMACALLIT" THAT BLOWS PLANETS UP.
AS I'M SURE YOU'RE WELL AWARE, BLOWING PLANETS UP IS CONSIDERED VERY RUDE, BUT DO THE TYRANTS CARE? EENOPE!
FORTUNATELY, HOWEVER, A TEAM OF BRAVE, HEROIC HEROES IS BOYCOTTING THE TYRANTS, LED BY THE DETERMINED, VIRTUOUS, SUM 41-LOVING SENATOR JUNIOR PICKARD OF PLANET MOE.
GATHERING IN THEIR SPACESHIP, THE S.S. STAR WARRIOR, THE SELF-DUBBED "COTTBOYERS ASSOCIATION" AMBUSHED THE TYRANTS' SEE PERIL AS THEY WERE PREPARING AN ASSAULT ON MOE. THE COTTBOYERS GOT THEIR HANDS ON THE WHATCHAMACALLIT BLUEPRINTS...AND WERE PROMPTLY CHASED ACROSS THE STAR SYSTEM.
Before Master Mud and his White Ninja henchmen could take them, Senator Pickard gave the blueprints to stowaway passenger Homer Simpson, who then took one of the escape pods to planet Foxworthy.
After he got on board, the malevolent Master Mud began interrogating the Captain of The Star Warrior, Ken Barson.
Mud was a yellow-feathered rooster wearing a maroon cape, top hat, and Groucho glasses. His beak was noticeably broken, and if you listened closely you could hear a hissing sound coming from the nose of the glasses, as if it was the only thing allowing him to breathe.
"Where are the blueprints!?" the poultry fiend demanded, shining a flashlight in Captain Barson's face.
Shielding his eyes, the Captain stammered out a reply: "I-I don't know! The S-Senator has them, ask her!"
As if on cue, Tyrant General Joe Cotton barged in, leading a white-haired, nose-ringed girl by the shoulder. Obviously, this was Senator Pickard. The Senator was chewing gum with her arms crossed as Cotton led her into the room, flanked closely by a couple of White Ninjas.
The Senator was a rather pale girl who looked like something of a punk rocker; she wore a black blink-182 shirt with matching jeans held up by a pink heart belt. Her hair was white but still had a few blue streaks in it, on top of which was a blue crepe hat. Her eyes were hazel, and she had a piercing on the side of her nose.
"Lord Mud, we've found the Senator," the General said.
"Don't touch me," the Senator snapped, smacking her captor's hand away from her shoulder.
Mud stood up, straightened his Groucho glasses, and inched slowly toward the Senator, wings held behind his back.
He stopped when he was 10 inches away from the girl, who eyed him as though he were a particularly boring TV show, blowing and then popping a bubble.
"So, Miss Pickard," said Mud, sounding as though he were caressing a puppy, "Are you going to be a good girl and give me those blueprints?"
"Dude," the Senator deadpanned, "I'm 17. You stop being a kid at 13. Crack a book."
"Whatever," Mud snapped airily, "Just give me those blueprints or I'll see to it that you're put on Santa's Naughty List this year!"
Pickard gasped, almost swallowing her gum.
"No, please!" she begged, getting on her knees. "I NEED that new Collectible Carrie doll or my collection will be crap!"
Meanwhile, Homer had landed on the forest-y planet Foxworthy and was making his way (hopefully) to civilization.
"Well, at least I'm in the woods," the donut-lover told himself. "Nothing bad ever happens in the woods!"
...and then he got attacked by a gang of rednecks.
Homer was soon found by Ranch gardener Beef Wellington and his brainiac nephew Al Zerotti (age 14), who offered to hire the donut-lover as a servant. Homer accepted, albeit reluctantly.
After Pickard told the Tyrants their Whatchamacallit blueprints were on Foxworthy (under threat of taking her makeup and Pearl Jam CDs away), Mud dispatched some Ninjas on the planet, and the cloaked goons ended up taking many lives, including Al's aunt and uncle's.
Thereunto, Al and Homer were sent to the Nedreck Homeless Shelter, where they met a short, scraggly-haired man named Hobo Vagrant, Jr.
Hobo, it turned out, was a Bloo Master and the former mentor to Al's late father, Danny Zerotti, who had been murdered by Master Mud. He then explained the ways of "The Hirsch" to the young Ranch:
The Hirsch, he explained, was a force that flowed through all living things. There were two sides to it: The Good Side, and The Dark. Good Siders were called Blooz, and Dark Siders were called Greyz. Both sides used a "sweepsaber", a broomstick with a sharpened end to it (though some Blooz and Greyz preferred to just use The Hirsch).
And thus began Al's training as a Bloo.
When Homer finally showed Hobo the Whatchamacallit blueprints, they found a Post-It on it that read: "Help me, I'm trapped on The See Peril! Love, Senator J. Pickard. (P.S. I am not a plumber's girlfriend)."
The guys needed a spaceship for this, so they headed to The Starry Burger, a restaurant filled with treasure-hunters, astronauts, archeologists, crossing guards, and Nicolas Cage.
In a booth next to a window in The Starry Burger, there sat Rob Campbell (age 17), a mystery sauce prospector, waiting for his ketchup protege Armando Valadez (age 13) to come back with their drinks.
A bandit wearing a black fur hat and shades came and sat down in the seat across from Rob.
The prospector, recognizing the bandit, rolled his eyes and groaned.
"What is it NOW, Rushin?"
"You know very vell what thees about, Campbell," he snarled in a weird, unidentifiable accent, "Thees 'bout zat money you owe us."
"Dude," Rob moaned, massaging his temples in an effort to block his oncoming headache, "I told you 952 times, I found that money fair-and-square. And spent it on a Collectible Carrie doll for my collection," he added in an undertone.
"You dug eet up een our front yard, you pompous dew-beater!" Rushin spat, activating his switchblade.
Blank-faced, Rob shot a Cheeto gun at Rushin under the table.
So, long story short: Homer, Hobo, and Al hired Rob and Armando to take them to the Tyrant Party's unfinished Whatchamacallit to rescue the Senator in exchange for reward money after the job was done.
As if he wasn't in deep-enough doodoo already, Rob decided to steal The Hatters' (the guys he owed money to) spaceship, The Space Dolphin, for the job.
"Ohhhhh, I HATE that booger!" snarled Top Hat Fries, the leader of The Hatters, as he and his gang members watched their stolen ship fly away.
Rob put the control panel on autopilot and our heroes hid in the broom closet as The Dolphin was ray-beamed onto the massive See Peril.
"What's that?" Mud asked General Cotton.
"Looks like a spaceship, sir," the General answered.
Mud shot him an annoyed look.
"No crap, General," he said, "But whose ship is it?"
The evil rooster turned toward the strange ship and closed his eyes, feeling once again that Side of The Hirsch he'd run away from so many years ago. The warm, glowing feeling and soft, tenorous voices that came with it were so comforting it shocked him.
Mud opened his eyes abruptly and saw Cotton gaping at him like an idiot.
"Send some Ninjas in to inspect the vessel," the hench-rooster snapped impatiently.
So three Ninjas went into The Dolphin and ended up being ripped new ones and having their uniforms stolen by Rob and Armando as part of Plan A.
"What is Plan A?", you ask? I answer with a list written by Hobo on the back of a strip of (used) toilet paper:
"Plan A: Take pictures of talking condiments in spoofy "Stormtrooper" getup and mail them to George Lucas just to tick 'im off
Plan B: Figure out why Your Tries-to-be-Humble Author thinks Star Wars is so hilarious
Plan C: Stop The Web from turning this spoof into memes
Plan D: Have the condiments pretend they're Ninjas taking a prisoner (Homer) to the dungeons so they can rescue the Senator while I [Hobo] DETAIN Master Mud"
But, alas, Homer ate Hobo's camera and Plans B and C were definitely out of the question, so Plan D it was.
ONE RESCUE MISSION LATER…
Al found Senator Pickard in the very last cell block he tried, lying on her bed, swinging her feet, and humming "Once Upon a December" from Anastasia to herself. For a brief moment, Al thought the Senator looked vaguely familiar, and he could tell from her expression that she was thinking the very same thing.
Shaking that ridiculous thought away, Al told the Senator he was here to rescue her.
The moment they stepped out of the cell block, however, Ninjas started shooting them with squirt guns.
"D'OH!" Homer yelped as a water-bullet missed his face by about three inches. "Watch where you're shooting, ya nailhead! What'cha tryin' to do, kill me!?"
"You tell 'em, Homer," Rob said sarcastically, pulling out his own water gun.
The Senator turned back to Al, skepticism etched into her pale face.
"So what's the plan, my dashing young prince hero?" she said, pulling out a handkerchief for comic effect.
"Uhhhh…" Al's eyeballs zoomed around in their sockets as he wracked his brain for a plan.
"Hey, look, Sir Rob, a slide!" Armando said excitedly, pointing to a nearby, foul-smelling, metal chute. "Can we get our own? PLEASE?" he asked in a voice about three years younger than he actually was.
Rob glanced at the chute, still shooting the Ninjas, then sigh-groaned.
"That's a garbage chute, Arm - not unlike your mind."
Abruptly Al's eyes stopped zooming and a candle went off over his head2.
"That's it! We'll escape through the garbage chute!"
And without waiting for anyone's approval, he ran over and jumped down the chute: "GERONIMO!"
The Senator gave a very Valley Girl-like scoff. "Ugh! There's, like, no way in heck I'm ever going down a garbage chute."
Just then, a tomato hit her and smattered her punkish white hair completely with French fry dipping sauce.
"COMING THROUGH!" Pickard practically shouted, jumping face-first down the chute.
The kid ketchup whooped and giggled with glee as he surfed down the chute "like Tony Hawk".
Now only Homer and Rob were left, still fighting off Ninjas using only (root) beer and a soapy water pistol.
Homer tried to go down the chute, but his wide girth impeded him.
"Jeez, man," Rob said, rushing over to help the comic relief, "You really need to lay off the donuts!"
He began pushing Homer through the chute.
"D'OH-nuts are good THOOOOOOOUGH!" the power plant worker yelled as Rob finally managed to push him down.
Then the prospector went down himself, leaving the Ninjas to anxiously wonder what their commander would do if/when he learned they'd failed to stop the rescue of Senator Pickard.
Master Mud and Hobo were having a sweepsaber fight in The See Peril's artillery. Now I would go more into detail, but George Lucas already made fun of lightsaber battles by having Yoda fight in the prequels (as a generic-looking piece of CGI crap, no less), so there's no need to here!
BACK IN THE GARBAGE HOLE...WAIT, THEY'VE ALREADY ESCAPED THE GARBAGE HOLE!? MAN, I SUCK AT THIS JOB!
Our heroes were running down the hall to The Dolphin when a voice coated with a thick-ish Kentuckian accent stopped them dead in their tracks.
It was Colonel Sanders, KFC founder-turned-Tyrant Party member.
"How'd you find us?" Al was struck with awe in spite of himself.
"Ah'm Colonel Sanders," the restaurateur answered, "Ah know everythin'."
"Oh, yeah?" Pickard said with a skeptical scoff, "What color is my underwear?"
"Tighty-white," the Colonel said with a smug grin.
Senator Pickard checked her undies and, seeing that the Colonel was right, let out a defeated "Fetch!" as she let them snap back against her waist.
And so Colonel Sanders sounded the alarm (a banshee scream) and started throwing live chickens at our heroes.
"If I don't get out of this alive," Homer said as the chickens clawed his face, "Tell Bart to finish his homework!"
Then, while they were climbing aboard the Dolphin, Al witnessed Mud killing Hobo.
"NOOOO!" Al screamed, but Pickard pulled him on board before he could egg the heck out of Mud's face.
Soon our heroes made it back to the Cottboyers' base on the planet MacFarlane, where they began planning an assault on the Tyrants' half-finished Whatchamacallit.
"Listen very carefully, brahs, 'cuz I won't repeat this," Cottboyer General Jackie T. Fan announced, "We're gonna fly out to the Whatchamacallit on broomsticks in pairs of two: one flyer, one gunner.
"Gunners, you're gonna spray The Whatchamacallit with Silly String until it's so ugly, the Tyrants will have to blow it up, brah!
Five men volunteered immediately: a rocker dude, some guy obsessed with videotapes, a redneck with a rockin' beard, a blind guy, and a crook who looked like he'd sell you a turd and tell you it was chocolate.
But they still needed one more flyer, so Senator Pickard forced a reluctant Al to join.
Likewise, only five people volunteered as gunners: a milkman, a pencil-pusher, a stuffed bear, a pineapple, and a drummer.
To even it out, Rob volunteered Armando.
Only the blind guy/the pencil-pusher, the Videotape Guy/the drummer, the crook/stuffed bear, and Al/Armando survived, and Al used the Hirsch to blow up the Whatchamacallit!
YAY! THE COTTBOYERS WON! THE BADPUN GALAXY IS SAFE…..at least until the sequel.
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