Being in a mental health field is draining but something I find myself good at. Iv always been good at not feeling anything at all most of my life and for a long time I thought it was a good thing. I mean, it is until it isn’t. My biggest fear in my life is becoming something or someone for that matter that I can’t control or change. Iv always had the control and ability to push my feelings and emotions down and now it feels sometimes as though the opposite is happening and I’m not sure how to fix it or prevent it. It’s terrifying trying to feel anything after training yourself not to for years. Someone in a podcast said that as an adult they saw their parents slow dance together and it was a weird feeling for them. Not because it was embarrassing but because it was so abnormal. Then, I started to think about my parents and if I would have felt that way as well. It’s so funny how we grow up thinking we know everything for what it is until we learn what it’s not like affection between adult parents is actually normal and is accepted. Maybe if I grew up knowing feelings and emotions were normal I would have practiced actually feeling them once in a while. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t want to become someone that is control by my emotions because I was too scared to actually feel them the last 31 years of my life.
