Stage 4 Colon Cancer

[jenniez-tv]

Long overdue update..

I know I haven’t really updated anything this time around.. it’s just too exhausting.. definitely different issues this time since I’m on 2 different chemo drugs and 1 of the same one from the first time.. lots of different side effects that are bad enough to need adjustment and breaks from chemo.  I will probably end up going into detail about all of it later..

However, the thing now is that my tumors are stable.  They didn’t grow but didn’t shrink and if it would shrink it would’ve by now with the amount of rounds I’ve had.. So to deal with the tumors.. option 1 (the one they want me to do) is to remove the tumors they have to remove the vaginal cuff tissue, remove the part of the ureter (the tube connecting my kidney to bladder) and then de attach then reattach my bladder higher up so they can reconnect the ureter, then remove some of the connecting part of my colon/small intestine and give me a ostomy bag for 2 months to let it heal then try to reconnect it bc its a better chance. But this requires doing the same surgery where they cut me completely down my entire abdomen from sternum to pubic bone and douse it with chemo AGAIN. I said I didnt want to fking do this surgery EVER again.  It was the worst pain ever and the recover was god awful. Mind you I also got neutropenic and septic last time.. and no it’s not JUST the initial recovery.. I’m still messed up from that surgery in many ways.. including abdominal separation that led to a hernia.

On top of that, they think l'm gonna always grow tumors now, and these interventions are to try to keep the remission time a little longer when they douse it with chemo. So for example if I didn't do it last time maybe it would've came back in 6 months vs 2 years (not certain obviously) but at this point its what can I do to keep them away longer but they dont expect me to be cancer free for the rest of my life.. that it will continue to come back and it’s just a matter of how much time we can put between them.. like WTF.

Option 2  is to just keep doing chemo to keep it the same size/stable…  but I am dead on chemo.. it’s fking awful and sucking the life out of me and will NOT continue this regimen for the rest of my life.  option 3 (which is what I asked about) is to do nothing and do hospice whenever the tumors get big enough to cause complete blockage/ bowel obstruction, then die (they say about 1-2years).

I am just fking done with all of this. My life is a nightmare that I’m never waking up from.  Also- please don’t tell me that obviously I need to do option 1 with no hesitation.. you aren’t the one doing it and have no idea how fking hard it was and still is. People think once I “recover” everything will be fine. What you don’t know is that the AFTER is what is worse.. except on top of this my life is just stuck on this endless loop of this nightmare.

[jenniez-tv]

Have to get chemo again...

I didn’t realize that its been over a month since I last wrote something on here.  So much has happened in the past month but yet it is hard to believe that its been that long already.  I spoke to the other specialist doctors and really the only route I really could take was to get chemo again.  I wanted to just do nothing and just enjoy the last years doing whatever.  The doctor estimated that I would get 1-2 years but unfortunately I would not have good quality of life and be suffering because my tumors would grow and cause another block blockage for my bowels and my left kidney.  I don’t want to spend my years suffering so then I just wanted to get the tumors removed but then that would guarantee a bag for my left kidney and a bag for my bowels plus need mesh replacement in my vaginal area.  I am not trying to have any bags or anything outside and/or permanent so that wasn’t an option either.  So I needed to go the chemo route.. The plan with getting chemo is that it will shrink the tumors a good amount to then be able to remove it surgically.  This way, they should be able to keep my ureter for my left kidney connected to my bladder.  As for the bowels.. if it shrinks a lot there is a teeny tiny chance that they will be able to reconnect it again.. its a super tiny chance because there isn’t much left to work with but its better than nothing.  I am already trying to come to terms that I will end up with a colostomy bag since my luck sucks and I am tired of getting my hopes up for nothing. 

Next comes getting a powerport put back in.. They still used the smallest one but this one for some reason actually shows/sticks out on me.  Last time you couldnt tell I had one unless you really looked and touched.  Now you can see the lump which means that no nurses should have any issues accessing my port this time.  Really the only good thing having it show but it is definitely a plus.  Before I had to have this one specific nurse access it and a couple of other nurses were able to get it.  I had gotten poked multiple times because they missed it and had to do it all over it with the old one which is not fun. 

As for the chemo regimen, I can’t get the exact same ones as last time because one of them caused super bad neuropathy (which is permanent but mild now) and will only make it permanently worse if I were to take it again.  The one that I am going to take again is the one that I had to have it run for 46hrs before I could disconnect it.  This one made me super nauseous while on it where I ended up throwing up multiple times..ugh.  Then there are 2 drugs they are adding onto this.  The first one has a big side effect of losing your hair.. 1/3 lose ALL of their hair.. the rest have some level of hair thinning.  However, I lost 3/4 of my hair last time..on a drug that is only supposed to cause mild hair thinning.. granted i know some of it was because of the chemo they doused in me when I got HIPEC surgery.. but I still lost way more than typical which means that I will most likely lose all of my hair with this one... My hair that grew back long enough to actually do something with it..  I can’t even imagine being bald.. But at least people have no issues growing their hair back after chemo is done.  The last drug has a like 80% chance of getting some severity of acneiform rashes which is pretty much acne like bumps that are red and filled with crust that can show up anywhere on the upper body but usually the face.  I will be getting chemo for 5ish hours then go home with the long 46hour one every 2 weeks.  They checked the size of the tumors right before I started chemo which was almost 2 months since and it didn’t seem to grow which is a good thing since I don’t want my stent to not work anymore.  I have to go every 2 weeks and will get a CT scan every 2 months to monitor the tumors until they have shrunk enough to remove.  This new combo of chemo drugs sounds absolutely awful.  This is what I have to look forward to on top of all the other side effects I am going to have...

[jenniez-tv]

Well my streak is gone...

A lot of things has happened in the past 2.5 weeks.  I got the PET scan done where they inject glucose into your body to see which parts of your body light up.  Lighting up means bad/tumor stuff because it feeds.  The PET scan showed that there is actually 2 masses instead of 1, along with multiple lymph nodes and my anastomosis (where the connected my rectum to my small intestine).  So that this was more bad news and pretty much definitely meant that it could not be the desmoid tumor but cancer.   

I then got my sigmoidoscopy, endoscopy (which I get yearly) and endoscopic ultrasound guided needle biopsy (to try to get a sample of the mass).  They removed 7 polyps but the doctor said he was unable to find the mass so he just took a sample of the tissue that was where it was supposed to be.  To me and my doctors, it seemed like good news in the sense that it wasn’t touching the anastomosis and I wouldn't need to remove the rest of my rectum and need a ileostomy bag. 

I went to see an urologist about the mass putting pressure and narrowing my ureter to my left kidney.  A stent procedure was scheduled along with a nuclear renal scan to see the how bad the block was.  My right kidney was definitely compensating well (for now).  It was 84% right side and 16% left =x, I also scheduled to get another biopsy done a different way to try to get a sample of the mass.

While waiting for my scheduled procedures, my oncologist gave me a call around 8:30pm one day.. never a good sign.., She said that the biopsy they tested just because turned out to be cancer.. possible the mass was pressing against it and/or it just spread to have cells on the anastomosis.. I was in completely and utter fucking shock.  I was NOT expecting this answer, even though I knew the masses in my left pelvic area was.  So what this means is that I HAVE STAGE 4 CANCER AGAIN.  I told everyone that I wasn’t going to do this all over again.. and that I definitely didn’t want a ileostomy bag... I just don’t have the strength and energy to..

My 2nd biopsy was cancelled but I still had my kidney to worry about.  There was a possibility that the mass would be too large/hard/whatever for them to push the stent through without rupture.  If that was the case, I would have to get yet another procedure and pee out of a bag through a bag on my body..  I just got the stent placed yesterday afternoon and thank goodness they were able to get it through.  I definitely can feel it travel all the way up my body, and there is a pressure and discomfort as well as some spotting (bleeding) and burning while peeing -_-.  They say me feeling the stent all the way up is just from the procedure and that once I heel shouldn’t feel it like that.  However, just because the stent placement was successful doesnt mean that it opened the ureter up enough so I have to schedule another nuclear renal scan in 2 weeks to see if it did anything.  I am really hoping it does because I don’t need my kidneys to fuck up and need dialysis or some shit. 

I have an appointment next week to speak with the specialists who did my HIPEC surgery to see what they think is the best treatment plan and go from there.. I am trying to keep my options opened until I hear from everyone but I don’t want to do it all again.. the chemo fucking sucked, the HIPEC surgery was the worse fucking feeling in the world and of course I had complications and got septic from it.. Even till this day I am getting PT on my abdominal muscles because they separated and can’t stand straight without feeling tightness and pulling on the scar tissue.  If I were to get this surgery again it will only be even worse off.. People think that because everything is healed and that I look healthy means I am fine... but I am not.  What people don’t realize is all the AFTER shit is what is the hardest.  I went into some detail in the prior post about this and may say more later but as of now I just wanted everyone to know that my fucking streak of being in remission is gone - only lasted 2.5 years and that I don’t know if I want to go through this all again.. 

[jenniez-tv]

My first 6th month check up...

So until the end of 2021, I have been getting blood work an CT scans every 3 months.  I continued to get good results and stay free of any signs of recurrence.  I also get my endoscopy and sigmoidoscopy as well as my thyroid checked every year (which is also due in a few weeks).  I was as always super nervous, but not AS nervous as each outcome so far has been good news.  As I waited for my doctor to talk about the results, my results showed up in my chart.  I read it.. and I immediately panicked as it said that there was a a new pelvic soft tissue mass around the area of my sigmoid resection (where the connected what was left of my colon and my small intestine together).  The CT results also show that my left kidney demonstrates marked hydroureteronephrosis, which is also new.  The mass is pressing against my left ureter- the tube that connects my bladder to my left kidney.  So, my left kidney is getting blocked.. This mass is big enough to freaking put pressure on it.  A mass that did NOT show up at all 6 months ago...   I called my aunt who thank god was working today and she came down to support me when I spoke with my doctor.. Now I have my full team of doctors discussing and trying to plan my next steps.  First, I will be getting a PET scan on Friday.  I will also be meeting the urologist on Tuesday and then getting a stent placed in my urethra so that my left kidney doesn’t continue to be compromised and get fked up permanently.  Not quite sure yet which is the best approach of getting a biopsy.. as it is really deep down in my pelvis.. but needs to be done asap.  I also need to get my scopes done to remove any new polyps from last year sooner than later.  I am now freaking out that something has grown there too.. I’m now freaking out about everything.. Some of my doctors think its cancer related to my colon cancer since I have the genetic FAP.. others think it may be a desmoid tumor which is also something that people with FAP get.  Its technically not cancerous, but can grow quickly and cause other issues such as mine right now.  These things like to arise from surgical scars.. and my insides are full of that shit.  Removing it if it is that only means there will be more scar tissue for potential regrowth of the tumor. 

SO FOR A RECAP: - I HAVE A FUCKING NEW MASS THAT DID NOT SHOW UP 6 MONTHS AGO

-THE MASS IS BLOCKING MY URETHRA AND FKING UP MY LEFT KIDNEY FUNCTION WHICH COULD CAUSE PERMANENT DAMAGE IF LEFT UNTREATED.   

-I HAVE TO NOW GET A PET SCAN, A STENT PLACED, AND A BIOPSY TO SEE WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS.. WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH EITHER A DESMOID TUMOR OR CANCER RELATED TO MY FAP FROM MY GENETICS.

THERE ISN’T EVEN A GOOD OUTCOME TO THIS.  ITS EITHER CHOICE A OR B WHICH IS BAD AND BAD/WORSE.  I HAD 2.5 YEARS OF REMISSION AND NOW THAT I GRADUATED TO GETTING A SCAN EVERY 6 MONTHS AND GOT MY PORT FUCKING REMOVED THIS MASS FUCKING SHOWS UP.

I SIMPLY CANNOT DEAL WITH HAVING CANCER AGAIN.. THIS TIME MIGRATED TO MY FUCKING PELVIC AREA.  IF IT IS CANCER WHO KNOWS WHAT THE HELL ITS GROWN ONTO SURROUNDING IT AND WHAT TISSUE/ORGANS I WILL NEED REMOVED THIS TIME.  THERE IS JUST SIMPLY TOO MUCH UNKNOWN RIGHT NOW.  I DIDN'T WANT TO VENT AND TELL EVERYONE YET  UNTIL I KNEW WHAT THE BIOPSY RESULTS WOULD BE BUT I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.  I MIGHT NOT KNOW FOR ANOTHER 2 WEEKS OR SO, I MEAN SHIT ITS NOT EVEN SCHEDULED YET.  I LITERALLY JUST FOUND THIS OUT ON MONDAY.  I AM LITERALLY GOING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN BAWLING MY EYES OUT AND HAVING NO EMOTION AND SAYING FUCK IT TO EVERYTHING AND REFUSE ANY TREATMENT AND JUST FUCKING DIE.  PEOPLE TELL ME TO TRY TO STAY CALM AND POSITIVE UNTIL WE KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.  BUT EITHER WAY, I WILL NEED MORE SURGERY, AND POSSIBLY MORE MEDS/PILLS I’LL HAVE TO TAKE FOREVER OR EVEN CHEMO/RADIATION.  I’M LITERALLY DONE WITH THIS SHIT.  I CANT HANDLE DOING THIS ALL OVER AGAIN.. AND EVEN IF I DO AND ALL IS FINE, WHOSE TO SAY ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN IN ANOTHER COUPLE OF YEARS? I DO NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE DOWN THIS PATH.  MY BRAIN IS ALREADY SO FRIED, I’M GOING TO HAVE EVEN LESS BRAIN CELLS IF I HAVE TO GET MORE CHEMO. MY LEFTOVER ANNOYING AS HELL SIDE EFFECTS THAT ARE ALREADY PERMANENT ARE ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE AND WORSE..

I don’t want to have to explain all of this to everyone so you can just pretend that I am telling/yelling all this information to you.  All of my anxiety and emotions that I have worked on and improved is now down the fucking drain.   I can’t concentrate.. I have issues with sleep even more now (sleep has not been good for a long time).  The anxiety and pain of not knowing what this is is killing me.. and to know that technically either result isn’t good either way is just another thing that is killing me inside.  All of my other progress is also going to be starting back over since I need more surgery.  I mean really, what is the fucking point anymore.  People keep telling me I’m strong. but I am NOT. I cannot and do not want to deal with everything all over again.   I really need to get a advanced directive and living will completed.  I don’t want to spend my entire life fighting this shit nonstop and not being able to do what I want.  I rather just go do whatever whenever without a care in the world since I am going to be dying sooner than later anyways. 

[jenniez-tv]

The year of 2022 so far..

A lot has happened since the New Year. I have been seeing many different doctors including a therapist and endocrinologist,  I’ve actually always disliked therapists/psychologists because I have tried multiple times in the past and they just did and told me the same thing and was not really listening to me.  After I have had too many mental breakdowns and getting asked if I had suicidal thoughts many times.. I decided to try talking to a therapist one more time.. give it one last chance..

I was recommended to this one person by a friend to try.. I started talking to her some time last year.  She actually listens to me and gives me achievable goals while letting me venting and helping me talk things out.. it definitely has helped me.  As for the endocrinologist.. I had to complain way too many times about issues that arise when I lack hormones for them to refer me to this doctor.  I pretty much had non existent levels of estrogen and testosterone.  I was on this dinky ass dose of estradiol patch that pretty much did nothing but stop my hot flashes.  I’m still getting blood work regularly to adjust the dosage’s till I have good levels of both.. I’m telling you though, the lack of hormones greatly affects your mental health.. I am finally noticing a change.. a change in how sensitive I am, how I was unable to control any emotions and was extremely emotional, depressed, always tired.. also including even more annoying shit like how I lost all of my muscle and a good amount of my collagen production.. I look like I’ve aged 10 years or something.. and my body is just a bunch of jiggles with absolutely no muscle.. if only I had started hormone replacement right after they removed my female reproductive organs.. then I wouldn’t have lost so much of everything or been so emotionally unstable. BUT, at least I’m finally heading in the right direction. 

As for my scar/incision/abdomen.. I have been going to PT still and trying to work on strengthening my muscles amongst working on other things.. my abdominal muscles are still separated and I have a weight limit on how much I can lift safety without making it worse. My back has been on and off in pain.. just like it was before.  The only time my back felt the best since I herniated it was when I had a strong core.  But my core is super weak from everything its gone through.  It really is tough having to start all over and feels pretty embarrassing knowing how weak I am now versus how I was prior.  But nevertheless, I am trying to slowly work my way back. 

[jenniez-tv]

I don’t even remember the last time I wrote on here… or if anyone even reads it.. or if I should just make it private. I doubt anyone even reads this so it’s pretty much the same thing anyways. I remember telling my doctors that writing in a journal is stupid. But its the opposite. It’s getting out what you are feeling without having to hear any response or actually talking about it to someone. Its also crazy when you go back to read what you wrote long ago; especially since my memory is just freaking awful now.

It has been so long since I was excited about going into the new year. Yea, it’s a new year to set new goals and accomplish them but I have had the my goals postponed & taken away and it just sucks. It’s another year of getting older & still exactly where you were years ago. Yea, it couldn’t be help I had cancer and treatment. I should just be thankful that I am alive and in remission… that’s all I ever hear both from others and myself all the time. Survivors guilt is something I don’t think I’ll ever get over.

Everyone thinks I am doing great because I look well and look like I am when I post things on social media. But that’s just a tiny part of me; I mean really why would I post pictures where I look like crap? I don’t want to have to explain everything to everyone only to make me angry and sad which leads back to why am I complaining when I should just be thankful. I also don’t want people to pity me or treat me different than they normally would. It makes me wonder hey would they have asked/said/thought/invited/etc treated me like this if I was fine? I thought it was hard after having surgery and chemo (and it was freaking awful), but no one tells you about how hard it will be afterwards. There’s just so many different things happening and going on and you wonder to yourself will it ever get better. It will never be the same as before for so many reasons and dealing with all the after effects and still going to so many doctors to treat all the repercussions of it is so upsetting and draining. I have a headache from crying now and completely lost my train of thought. Just laughing because I have teared up or cried in almost all of my doctor appointments.. and it has been 2 years now. I’m just so mentally exhausted and never sleep well for both physical and emotional reasons. It’s almost midnight and my fam wants to FaceTime since we didn’t meet up because of stupid covid. But I don’t want them to ask me questions since it’s very obvious I’ve been crying. Ugh. It’s also really draining to hide things from your family. Great, I’ve been caught, and now everyone’s talking about why I’m crying. I just want to be alone.

[jenniez-tv]

Hello Everyone,

Its been awhile since I’ve updated you all on this. I had some people ask me when I was planning on updating. I didn’t realize you guys were still reading. <3 Thank you for caring. Anywho, its been about 3 months since I found out I was in remission/done with chemo. Every 3 months I have to get a CT scan, for the next 1-2 years. After that I don’t know how often I will need to. That means that I just got my first post remission CT scan. Man, I got to tell you, the week of the scheduled date I was so nervous the whole time worrying about it. The anxiety is no joke when it comes to getting it done and then having to wait for results. EEP. I got the scan done yesterday morning and I am not seeing my oncologist until Monday for a follow up and the results of the scan. I was not looking forward to worrying about the results all weekend. THANKFULLY though, my doctor who did my colectomy surgery read the results a couple hours after it was submitted and then called me directly to let me know! Ugh, I really do have the best doctors. It just feels amazing that they go out of the way to do a gesture that impacts the patient greatly! And... the results were that it looks the SAME aka still CANCER FREE!! Yay! Now I could finally breathe and enjoy the weekend!

Work wise - which many of you have asked.. I have started working again about 3 weeks ago. Now don’t go jumping for joy, its only 4hour shifts twice a week for now. It is also doing admin work, not direct patient care working on my L&D unit. Baby steps! (Ugh). I was the one that asked work and my doctor if I could go back to work. It just felt like my brain was melting away not being used. And it felt like I had no reason to get out of bed and do anything. It also felt like I wasn’t needed. Don’t get me wrong, I have so many limitations written by the doctors for what I can and cannot do at work because I still have so many side effects from chemo that I am still waiting (really impatiently now) to go away. - I will go over these in a minute. With work though, so far, so good. Slowly getting back into the routine and hoping to up my hours soon. I was told by multiple health care workers to stop trying to rush to go back to work and do this for like 6 months until I am due for another evaluation. I legit said.. I mean the only reason I want to work more is because who can live off of only working 8 hours a week?? Not me... I was BLESSED enough to get so many donations from so many people last year when I first found out I had cancer. But as you all know, all those doctor appointments, surgeries, chemo, etc is not cheap.. even with insurance. And of course I still had bills to pay monthly. So all the donated money is now depleted and I need money to pay my bills. Otherwise, I really wouldn’t rush into working my body that has just been through hell. Don’t worry though, I’m not jumping in and am really trying to be realistic. Plus, its not like I’ll get approved to go straight back in anyways even if I wanted lol. Honestly though, any suggestions? Oh and just for shits and giggles.. my very first day back working only 4 hours.. I went home and slept for 5 hours.. LOL

As for my side effects, I was told they would start going away after a few months (and now that its been a few months..) GO AWAY! I still have neuropathy - tingling, numbness, pain in my fingers and toes (which is also the most annoying one), fatigue, loss of balance, wonky ass emotions, chemo brain, umm.. I know I have a few more but I’m having trouble thinking of it. (Example of my stupid chemo brain winning). The neuropathy is worse during the winter because of the cold weather and ugh it is just so frustrating. Having trouble buttoning/zipping up my clothes/jackets, tying my shoelaces, holding/picking up stuff that’s cold, bending my fingers to grip and hold stuff.. you get the picture. Its hard at work too because the office I am using is shared with 2 others. One of them likes it cold.. and her temperature of it feeling nice is my omg its freaking freezing!! My hands are so cold (even with hand warmers) that it becomes hard to type. My fingers legit get cold as soon as I stop holding the hand warmer. I also have a hand warmer that plugs into the computer but it doesn’t get my fingers =\. I think i need to buy a small portable personal heater that goes on my desk and it pointed right at my fingers or something. =[. I was told if i still have neuropathy after a year it may never go away. Thankfully, I think it is a little better than before when I was still on chemo. So I’m really hoping it will go away. *fingers crossed*.

I did start working out again! I’m only going about twice a week and I have to stop a lot because I’m nauseous, lightheaded, dizzy, and really fatigued. I have to use the lightest weights and do all the exercises slower. It’s annoying because its such a backtrack from where I was, but hey, at least I’m working out again right? That’s what I have to keep telling myself. -_-.

As for my incision.. its getting better. After it healed all nicely (the last picture that was posted) it decided to hypertrophic on me!! Aka it like tripled in size and raised up! It also got super red! I feel like it happened over night or something. SO upsetting.. I swear I thought I was in the clear and the incision would be so thin, light pink and not very noticeable. Sigh. I also have a lot of scar tissue all over my abomden from the surgery that really is limiting my range of motion. So, I started seeing a chiropractor who do ART (active release technique). Pretty much it means that this technique is used to help break up scar tissue, decrease the pain, and increase the range of motion. (Its used for many other things but that’s what it is used for for me). I have been going twice a week for about 6 weeks now. When I first went, I showed the doctor how far I could lean back and was literally just standing up super straight hahahaha. Now, I can definitely lean back about maybe 30% on a good day? It likes to retract back so fast so i need to continuously stretch it out. THey do/use so many different tools and techiniques to work on it.. but lets just say.. NONE of it feels good. In fact, its pretty uncomfortable lol. I mean its breaking up scar tissue.. why would it feel good? The pain is worth it because not only do I have more range of motion, the pain is definitely less and the scar is actually softer/smoother. I’m no where near close to being done but I’m off to a good start, that’s for sure!

Anywho, I feel like I typed a lot and everything looks like its just being mashed together so I think I’m done for now. Feel free to ask me any questions though! Or/and let me know what other stuff you’re curious about so I can make sure to address it in my next post!

[jenniez-tv]

My birthday

This year was definitely the craziest and worst year of my life. I found out I had stage 4 cancer, had to go through chemo, major surgeries, have many organs removed from my body and deal with all the emotional and physical trauma it came with. It was brutal and I never want to experience it again. Never.ever.again.

But it was also one of the most blessed years of my life. I found out I am officially CANCER FREE and in remission as of 11/2019. I have never felt more love in my life.. love from my family, friends, people I haven’t seen or spoken to in forever and even people I don’t even know. All the love, support, thoughts and prayers from so many people brings tears to my eyes. You all are what got me through the worst time of my life. You guys gave me hope to strive to beat it. You gave me ease with all your generous donations in various forms so I wouldn’t worry about not working/having money to pay bills. You showered me with gifts to help me get through the stress and side effects and to make me smile. Without every one of you, I don’t think I would be where I am today. I’m grateful for each and every single one of you.

Today on my birthday I want to thank you all. Thank you all for caring and allowing me to celebrate growing older another year. (I mean I don’t really want to get older but you know what I mean 😝). Thank you for wishing me happy birthday and helping me kick cancers ass. Thank you for making me feel wanted and needed in life. I love each and every one of you. ❤️❤️❤️

[jenniez-tv]

Chemo round 11&12

So because my nausea lasted a week during the previous sessions and wouldn’t go away with any medications the doctor decided to not give me one of the two chemo medications for the last 2 rounds. BOY did that make a difference. Not only was my nausea a lot better and more controlled, but the other side effects were also less intense. I also spent less time at the infusion center. It still sucked leaving the chemo in for 2 days but its over now.

Anywho, as of now I am awaiting my CT scan results that I had done on Friday. If they don’t see anything then I will officially be in remission and done with chemo! I really hope that’s the case. I don’t ever want to do this ever again... and if cancer comes back then i really don’t know what i would want to do.. because I legit never want to do it again. EVER.

I still have lingering neuropathy for a consistent 3+ months now. I will be asking how long it takes to go away.. hopefully soon because it is really annoying to be so sensitive to the cold and have numbness nad tingling on my hands and feet. It’s hard to open/close/pick up small things and it hurts like hell when my hands and feet are cold. I also tend to drop things a lot as well. The weather is so cold now which also sucks. It’s supposed to be fall damnit but it feels like winter =[ I still feel tired and weak but its definitely starting to get better. I wonder how long it will be until I feel normal again.

My hair is still kinda falling out more than normal.. it really needs to stop so i can start to get back to my normal hair which will probably take years =[

I started working out last week again for the first time since I was diagnosed in February. I was officially cleared by my doctor. FINALLY. But man, I am super sore and weak. It’s depressing knowing what I could do before and how I’m no where close to that now. But i know, one step at a time and i will be able to get back to where i was. Just sucks how far back i got pushed because of this. Also, some moves hurt my stomach so i need to make sure i take it easy and not make my incision/scar worse. I have hypertrophic scarring which is so annoying and I’m trying to get stuff done to make it less apparent and go away. I’ve been away from the sun for so long that i cannot wait to be able to enjoy it again without making my scar darker and worse.

So as of now, i’m waiting for the CT scan results and will be asking the doctor how long it will take for me to feel normal and for the side effects to go away. If the CT scan looks good then for the next year at least i will be getting CT scans every 3 months, port flushes every 4-6 weeks, and sigmoidoscopies ( like a colonoscopy but doesn’t go as far in because I don’t have a colon) as well as endoscopies every 6months - 1 year for the rest of my life. Because of my genetics, i will always continue to grow polyps in my small intestine and rectum which is why i need them done every year. Otherwise it will turn into tumors again. Sigh.

I will post another update to confirm the ct scan results and on my road to recovery!

OH, any suggestions on what I should do to celebrate if i am officially in remission?? I have no ideas. If you guys have any suggestions let me know! Thank you to everyone who has been keeping up with everything and sending me good health and prayers. I would not have been able to do this without everyone’s love and support. I love you all.

[jenniez-tv]

Chemo Round 10/12

So this round literally was the same as the last. Lots of constant nausea with no relief from medications. I even got another med (makes 4 anti nausea meds) to try to help but it did not =\. This med helped a lot when i was in the hospital with nausea so i was sure it would work this time.. Barely was able to eat or drink anything for 4 days.. on day 5 i was able to eat some but was still nauseous. Not until day 6 did i feel normal again to eat regularly. I also threw up a couple times again while i was on chemo and when i was disconnecting my port. I don’t know how many people know of this but some people taste a metallic taste when you get saline flushes in your IVs. Mine started out really really mild but since all this has happened I’ve gotten so many flushes that the taste is really severe. I try to mask it with gum or candy but even with that i can still taste it. So while disconnecting i have to flush it with 2 of the saline flushes then heparin and that pushed me over the edge and i threw up. Even just thinking about the flush makes me want to puke now. THe thought of having to suffer from 2 more sessions of this week long nausea is dreadful and i really don’t want to go through with it. Nausea is such a bad feeling and the fact that no meds help it is just terrifying for me when thinking about doing it again and again.. I emailed to ask the doctor so we’ll see what she says about the whole thing.

On a positive note i hung out with some friends that I haven’t seen in months and enjoyed the outdoor sun which I haven’t done in months either. It was so nice to see everyone and just absorb from vitamin d. I didn’t do it for too long since chemo makes me sensitive to the sun and i have fresh scars I don’t want turning dark so i look like a ghost but feeling the warmth and brightness of the sun felt nice and uplifting. I say i wanna get out more but most of the time i feel like crap. Getting these in every once in awhile is a great help on my mental well being.

If you’re curious about my incision, yes it still hurts when i touch or cough or sneeze but the pain is minimal that I don’t need to take any meds for it. I was told i should not do anything until i hit 12 weeks post op so i still cant work out or stretch past standing straight or i will aggravate the incision more and may cause more scarring. You don’t know how badly i want to work out again. For my mental and physical health. I know I’ ve probably said that many times but it really bothers me that i cant do what i use to do and that I’m so much weaker and flabbier. I just cant wait for all this to be over and for me to get back into a normal routine/life minus the checkups for the rest of my life monitoring this stupid thing. But hey, I’m still alive and they don’t see anything as of now so that’s good. My next ct scan will be in the beginning of November.. i pray that they don’t see anything then as well. Gah i forgot they want to leave the port in for a year or so just Incase which means it will have to get flushed every 4-6 weeks.. ugh, i just can get rid of the stupid metallic taste can i? I feel like all I’m doing is complaining, and I’m sorry for that. This venting just helps deal with everything.. i now have a free week to regain my energy before the next round. Until next time!

[jenniez-tv]

Chemo - Round 8/12

So I officially restarted my chemo sessions last week. I did round 8 last Tuesday after Labor Day weekend. I gotta say.. this session was pretty freaking bad compared to the rest. I was literally nauseous nonstop for almost 4 days straight. I was on 3 different types of anti nausea meds and it wasn’t helping much at all.. I even ended up throwing up a few times which sucks.. nothing ever solid since I wasn’t really able to eat at all either.. just drank fluids and ate like a slice of bread or a couple bites of rice.. I seriously hate nausea.. I almost wanted to throw up to feel better but when I did the nausea resumed pretty quickly. UGH. It got to the point where I was almost scared not to take any meds for it when I started to feel better in fear that it was going to come back... but its okay now.. until the next treatment.. which I hope wont be as bad? The doctors say it’s probably because of the residual from the surgery and the related nausea that I had intermittently up until chemo day. The other really annoying side effect is my neuropathy/cold sensitivity. It has been pretty constant on my hands for at least 3 weeks now. My feet/throat not too bad. But trying to open things, pick up and move things.. UGH. It hurts and is weak.. and I’m getting help getting shit out of the fridge and even peeling an orange because it was a little cold. Needing help with such basic things makes you feel so inadequate and needy. Sigh.

Recovery wise I am better.. I still apparently cant stand or sit completely straight without forcing myself. It feels so tight when I do and I feel like my abdomen divots inwards.. like its not flat because of this tightness pulling in the center. I really hope this shit loosens up and evens out because that would look / does look just horrible. I am starting to get hypertrophic scarring along most of my incision. I mean seriously. I searched for all these treatments online and bought some gel and silicone patches to try to help it. I haven’t spoke to the doctors about it yet but I know they going to want me to heal more before trying out injections and lasers for it. Yea yea, call me superficial but shit I don’t want no ugly ass big thick scar all the way down my abdomen looking like another growth coming out of me (okay - also a bit of exaggeration haha). I’m just trying to get back to my body where my excuse is my fat not my incision that i’m not showing my belly. (Okay- I don’t want that either.. lol). I honestly cant wait to have the energy and strength to work out again. Need to start all over in that department. The sooner the better but ya ya i know i need to rest up and recover. It’s just the sooner I can do all that means the sooner I can get back to my normal lifestyle of being healthy. Is that so much to ask?

Pain wise I’m a lot better but don’t get me wrong, the shit still hurts. Not enough to need meds but I know i’m definitely not fully recovered from this surgery. My nephew jumped on me the other day and let me tell you.. that did not feel good at all. I even guarded myself.. kinda.. ? The boy is small but he is dense. Lol.

My next session will be on the 23rd. Pleaseeeee pray that my nausea isn’t that bad next time around. Until then folks. As always, thank you for reading, keeping up with my journey and caring. It really does mean a lot. Gives me a reason to keep going you know?

[jenniez-tv]

Update post surgery:

It’s officially been 5 weeks since surgery and I can say that the pain is significantly better. I’m not taking pain medication anymore and can stand straight again lol.. but its still hard to sit straight when I’m in a chair or something. It still hurts to cough/sneeze etc but it’s tolerable. They say this surgery takes 2-3 months of recovery to feel ‘normal’ again so I guess I’m doing pretty well for 5 weeks. I still tire easy and can’t do any lifting more than a gallon of milk for awhile so I don’t rip my sutures though. I am going to talk to the doctor this week but I want to restart chemo next week because I want to get it over with. I still need 4 more sessions, and the later I start, the later I finish. I don’t want to be driving out and getting chemo when it gets super cold in the winter because I get extreme cold sensitivity.. and it freaking hurts when its cold. Plus, I want to finish it and start the new year fresh to restart my work outs, get strong again, and grow my hair back...

Let’s start off with the good news. The good news is that everything was removed from my surgery was all benign and then doused with chemo. So as of now, it looks like I do NOT have cancer anymore in my body! But yes, they still want to finish chemo. They want to be aggressive as hell to help decrease the chances of return. I might as well do it now rather than get healthy again only to have to go through all of this shit again right? But, yes, i am cancer free right now and i hope it stays that way.

Onto my touchy subject/stressor. My hair, or the lack of i should say. I may have said this in the last post.. but I literally have 1/4 of my hair left. My chemo regimen states that most people get some hair thinning, but its not really obvious unless you look closely. Well that is definitely not me.. I was “ok” with it because it was evenly spaced out even though it was thin as hell and I really did hate it.. But then, when I got home from the hospital hair was coming out in huge clumps for 5 days in a row. One day it was SOOOOOO much, like the other 4 days each combined.. while I’m touching my head I feel the entire middle part of my hair MUCH thinner, and even two spots felt pretty bald.. one near the top and one on the bottom. I thought I was over exaggerating but I had to see it.. so I took some pictures.. and then I cried... I had this HUGE bald spot on my head that even when I put it in the ponytail you can see it.. I was told and expected more hair to fall out because of the major surgery and stress.. but again, thought it would be evently spaced.. but these bald spots are NOT supposed to freaking happen.. I cannot even imagine shaving my head.. I just cant.. I love and have had really long hair for like 15 years but am considering it cutting it a little shorter from suggestions that it will weigh my hair down as much.. but I’m not talking about a bob cut or something. I am super nervous as to how much more is going to fall out during my last 4 sessions... time to get hats/beanies/etc... I have a bunch of beanies for winter but I’m trying to figure out what to wear for the rest of summer/fall without sweating bullets.

I feel like this hair thing is causing so much stress on me. Honestly, the only thing I loved about myself was my hair.. and now its just gross. I know it will grow back, and I do have baby hairs.. but even those are falling out right now. You may think I’m vain for caring so much about my hair.. but like I said.. it was the one thing I loved about myself.. and it falling out in clumps is so heartbreaking to see. Plus, having hair made it look like I was completely fine and not even going through chemo. Now with this big ass bald spot and having to wear something to cover it up.. it becomes more noticeable that I am getting treatment/am sick. If anyone knows of great shampoo/conditioner/serum WHATEVER that can help my hair grow back fast and thick and/or strengthen to help retain some hair.. please let me know. I have already been taking vitamins now, so what i’m looking for are topical things. I have been suggested to try cold caps but i cannot because of my cold sensitivity so that is out of the question. I don’t really want to wear a wig because i feel like that wouldn’t be comfortable? But I’m open to going to a store to try it out... and i heard its pricey.. sigh.. anyone have wig experience where they can help me out? Or cute hats/beanies/whatever to wear?

Posted below is an updated look of my incision as well as the huge ass bald spot on my head. The top of the incision has some fat necrosis (the scabbing part) which apparently is common in these types of surgery at the ends of the incision. Hopefully it heals up soon. It also occasionally oozes liquid fat. Gross right? Lol.

P.s. please don’t tell me it’s just hair who cares okay? I’ve heard it from enough people and it’s pissing me off. Thanks. 😅

[jenniez-tv]

HIPEC surgery (warning - photos of my abdomen after surgery will be shown)

The night before surgery I was on clear liquids only.. that was hard when all my family members kept talking about food and dessert.. the stomach growl was real. Haha. I spent the night playing mahjong with my family up until I had to pack and get ready to leave the house. An all nighter. Weeee. I really didn’t care to sleep since I don’t usually sleep til the morning anyways and I would be sleeping a lot in the hospital so it was whatever.

My aunt, mom, and I leave to go to the hospital around 4am (super early). We arrive, I’m sent to preop to get ready and I am super nervous.. I realized I forgot to take my anti anxiety Med before leaving the house.. UGH. I ask the nurse if she can ask the doc to give me one while I’m waiting and she said the Anesthesologist can give me something when they are ready to wheel me to the OR. Like wtf? How is that helpful? Why would I need anxiety meds right before I go to sleep for the freaking surgery?!? I need it for the 2hrs of waiting!!! She didn’t even bother to ask! Ughhhh.. like why? She is supposed to be an advocate for me.. Was not happy with her.. then she told me to relax.. HAHA. Glad I won’t see her again. Rude.

Me waiting at preop

Anywho.. next thing I know I’m awake in PACU. I’m groggy and in pain.. and of course felt myself up all over my abdomen to make sure I didn’t get a ileostomy bag. Thank god I did not! I did have a jp drain though. The Dr said he removed the organs he planned on-the uterus, ovaries, omentum, gallbladder along with 3 small things he found in my abdomen. I have no idea where and how big they were. They don’t think they are tumors but the pathology results have not come back yet.. feels like forever waiting for results.. either way, im glad it was found and removed. (Update- the results came back benign! Negative for cancer!)

I’m moved to the ICU and get hooked up to so much equipment. I stayed in the ICU for 2.5days. I had 2 iv’s, an arterial line, Foley catheter, NG tube, JP drain and a wound vac. My throat hurt so damn bad.. every time I swallowed it hurt.. that NG tube fked up my throat. I was also a not allowed eat or drink anything for 2 days until they took it out. I could not wait! Post op day 1 was a killer for me. Just trying to sit up made me cry. They wanted me to walk down the hall while pushing the wheelchair. I literally looked like a old person who has the hump back and couldnt stand straight while walking. The poor nurses were pretty much holding my weight lol. Even helping me scoot up on the bed hurt. My family said my entire body and face was super swollen . I just pictured the scene in Willy wonka and the chocolate factory where that girl turned into a huge blueberry. 🤭 I think the most annoying part of ICU was when they kept giving me blood pressure medication and IV fluids to increase my blood pressure. I normally have low BP like 80-90/50-60 told everyone. Apparently the Med surg unit (Unit I would be at until I get discharged) doesn’t like BP’S under 90. I mean seriously, I can’t be the only one with normal low BP’s.. With all the fluids during and after surgery.. I was 15lbs heavier. Ahh! I know it’s all water weight but damn that’s a lot of water weight. They also gave me potassium and it was so uncomfortable on my veins. Anyone can tell you it hurts..even when it’s diluted. It fked up my veins where on The last night in the ICU I had to get one of my IV’s replaced because anything that went through it (even saline) hurt . It was hurting even if nothing was running.

Anyways, I get cleared and transfer up to the medsurg unit. I was actually feeling pretty good considering just having surgery. I get my NG tube removed and am allowed teeny bits of water/ice. FINALLY. My throat can now get better! By the time I transferred I was making laps around the unit. I also get my wound vac removed. It was so painful because I developed a lot of blisters on the edges of the tape from the wound vac. It looked pretty gross. (Picture below). When they removed it, all the blisters broke and they even rubbed over it pulling the skin off. Then, one of my ivs stopped working so it had to be taken out. Luckily this unit only requires one IV not two like the ICU so I didn’t need it replaced.

Picture of the blisters

Picture of my incision with the wound vac and the jp drain.

Picture of my incision and blisters after wound vac removed

The next morning is where everything went downhill. I got super nauseous and eventually threw up 900cc of bile. My temp was around 101 degrees, and eventually got up to 103. I also had other signs/symptoms that showed that I got septic to something. I had to be transferred back to the ICU. Because they were not 100% sure where the infection came from (they had 2 guesses) I got 2 antibiotics that would treat both areas. My white blood cell count also dropped dramatically to 0.98 and my anc 0.74. This means that I was very susceptible to getting more infections. People had to wear a mask when they come to my room and I had to wear one when I left the room. The good news is my fever went away pretty quickly and I started feeling better. My wbc kept going up and down... I’m hoping it keeps trending up because I cannot leave the hospital until my wbc goes up and becomes stable. EEP.

While I was back in the ICU I had to get a second iv placed.. so now I have had 4 iv’s so far not including the arterial line). I’m connected to all the machines again and it takes forever for me to get to the bathroom since they have to disconnect all the monitors and attach it to a portable one so they made me use a bedside commode instead. Bedside commode?!?! The thought is just gross. I’m peeing and pooping in a room with just a curtain blocking the view. What if someone walked in to talk to me in the middle of my session? It was so nerve wrecking. I’ve cleaned up patients bedside commodes before and it’s fine but now can say that I really understand why patients apologized all the time.

After another 2 days in the icu and being septic.. And another iv needing to be replaced bc it infiltrated.. (apparently my veins are mad weak from all the meds and chemo) (now iv #5) I am finally better to go back to the Med surg unit. I’m transferred back and it feels so nice to use abnormal bathroom again. I’m still only allowed clear fluid and honestly.. even that was hard to do. I had to drink a minimum of 800cc a day and it was a struggle. So many days of not eating and drinking screwed me up. Plus I kept having this underlying nausea that just wouldn’t go away. It turned out I had a small ileus as well- A complication that can happen from abdominal surgery.

Everyday I got blood drawn twice a day.. and lovenox which is a blood thinner to prevent blood clots. Prior to lovenox, they were giving me heparin (which is 3 times a day..). My body was full of bruises all over.

Picture of some of the bruises on my arms. I had a bunch on my thighs too..

Anywho, I’m finally allowed to eat.. and man that was more of a struggle than drinking.. I would take one or two bites and be done.. it didn’t help that the hospital food was completely disgusting.. even simple foods you think they can’t mess up on.. was just gross. I was asked by family what I felt like eating so they can bring it.. but honestly I had no appetite at all. Completely different from when I was on steroids and eating nonstop.. lol. But I tried.. hard.. to eat and drink enough. They wanted to start me on tpn which is the total nutrition through a central line.. and I was not about to have it. I gave a hard hell no.

I could barely sleep.. it just felt like my stomach was being pulled or stretched apart when I moved.. was woken up non stop for meds/ vitals.. when I was able to doze off.. my days pretty much consisted of eating, taking a couple laps around the unit, napping, and repeat. I was still getting some iv fluids to help keep me hydrated.. and of course.. another iv infiltrates.. and another iv had to get started... I had a total of 6iv’s and an arterial line.. it was utterly ridiculous.. I had no more places for ivs! And I freaking hate ivs and getting poked.. but that’s all I got during this stay.. so many I lost count.. sigh..

On and off during my stay but especially the last couple of days, I had severe lower right abdomenal pain that was sharp and jabby. I prevented me from moving at all.. it was downright horrible and worse than my incision.. no one knew what it was from but I guessed maybe the drain that was inside.. I got a ct scan done and it didn’t show anything there but the drain so I got it removed.. the pain immediately disappeared!! It was such a relief!! No pain meds helped at all.. not even the slightest.. so having that relief felt so good. The drain coming out though.. felt like so much pressure and it felt like the spot that hurt was getting pulled on. I swear that drain was stuck there or something.. it was a good amount in my stomach.. I didn’t realize how much of the drain just sat in there.. kinda gross. And yes, I watched the whole thing... hahah.

Another complication I have is that my left upper thigh is numb.. and has been numb.. it never got and still hasn’t gotten any better.. I thought it was the duramorph I got during surgery but after a week it seemed unlikely.. the dr says that it’s most likely because the retractor they used to hold my abdomen opened was pressed on my thigh nerve since I’m smaller than the average patient and dmged it from it being compressed for 8hrs.. he says it will take weeks to months for my leg to return to normal.. hopefully.. but that there is a chance it won’t.. god I hope it comes back. It feels so weird and annoying to have the top of my thigh permanently numb ...

Finally my wbc is stable and continuing to trend upward (although still low) and I’m allowed to go home.. I could not wait to see my babies (my dogs), my family, and just sleep in my own bed!!

Sorry, I know this post was all over the place... i wrote parts of it at different times.. which is why some seems present and some past tense.. and I’m honestly not in the mood to go and fix it all. I will post again how my recovery is going at home soon.

Thank you all for your love and support. ❤️

[jenniez-tv]

5 days before surgery..

I’m super nervous... surgery is going to be on Monday and I’m freaking out... ughhhhhh.

Good news though is that I got another ct scan and it is exactly like all the other ct scans.. I just hope nothing is hiding in between that the scan missed when they go in for the surgery. Found out he’s also planning to remove the gallbladder just because if something happens to it later it’s a pain in the butt so might as well remove it now. I’m gonna be down 3-4 organs coming out of this at least.. haha.. 😳

I did go back to New York for round 2 with my cousins to have fun before this stupid surgery! They took me axe throwing!! I was so scared for the first throw but after that I could wait to throw more! I didn’t stick the first 3 practice throws but after that I got a lot of bullseyes! Maybe I’m at the perfect height for it? Or maybe my release is perfect 😂. When we played king of the hill, 3 throws, whoever has the most point stays.. I won woooo!! And for team games we won 3/4 games.. barely lost the one game.. by one point. During the last game for my team to win I needed a bullseye, and I landed that thing smack in the middle of the bullseye. Couldn’t have been more perfect! I wish it was recorded.. man it felt so awesome Hahahaha. I’ll post a clip of me axe throwing but this was near the beginning when I was still getting in my groove.

We also went to a place called bea the bomb. 5 rooms with different games.. it was intense but so fun! We barely lost.. booooo.. only like 5% win.. but damn we were close! Also went to a comedy cellar and saw a bunch of different comedians.. most of them were hilarious. It was a great time! Wanted to go do some archery but we didn’t have enough time. Can’t wait for round 3 in ny.. but it’s not gonna be til next year since I’m going to be out of commission for awhile and then back on chemo.. bleh!

Oh, on top of that when we finished apparently most of Manhattan had a power outage! Had to walk over 20 blocks to find some place with power to eat dinner! People were stuck in subways, elevators.. and with so many roads blocked the cars we barely moving.. now normally 20 blocks is nothing for me but I am now out of shape and a fat blob. I am surprised I was able to walk all of it pretty well! But my shin muscles were like fk you and were spasming.. roflll. Thank goodness the power in my cousins area came back on by the time we finished and got back to the apartment.. her place is on the 20th floor and there was no way I could do that after walking so damn much (for me right now). WHEW! All in all, I enjoyed my weekend in New York so much.. I barely thought about my surgery during that time.. great distraction!

My brother asked if I wanted to do something Saturday before my surgery but has no ideas.. and I don’t either.. md is pretty boring.. if anyone can think of something fun I can do please let me know! I’m trying to get out as much as possible in the next 5 days.. before I’m stuck in the hospital..

As for gaming.. I just started playing a little bit again.. hopefully I will again a few weeks after surgery.. I have to redo my stream because it didn’t save.. but I’m sorry to those who subbed as I haven’t played really.. i appreciate everything!! I promise when I feel better enough I will again!

I guess that’s it for now.. next post will be post op.. maybe I’ll even take pics of my Frankenstein body for you guys to see.. please pray for me that everything goes well and I recover fast.. I need all the prayers and luck I can get.. I almost can’t wait to get it over with so I stop freaking out about it :(

[jenniez-tv]

On a Chemo Break...

so I (my lab work aka wbc and rbcs) can recover enough to have the major HIPEC Surgery.  For those that want to see what it is about I will post a link. Don’t worry, i’m not posting a real human, its an animated version.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lqnl-3WP7Y

During my chemo break, I just got an endoscopy and sigmoidoscopy (pretty much a colonoscopy but dont go as far up since I dont have a colon anymore).  They removed the polyps (6 of them) that they found when I had my first colonoscopy done and found out I had cancer.. They also found a few in my small intestines that they removed. They said they were small and didnt look cancerous but until the path comes back to prove it i’m nervous.  Why does it need to travel to other areas? F you stupid cancer.  I’m going to be getting these scopes done every 6-12months for the rest of my life depending on how fast the polyps grow.  This is because of the genetic disorder I have.. i will continue to grow polyps for the rest of my life. UGH. Drinking the prep is super fun.. NOT.  During this break is obviously more doctor appts.. and scans.. and the surgery date is July 22nd.  Damn surgery is so major its going to take 2-3 months of recovery.. they want to wait 6-8weeks after surgery to recover and then finish my last 4 chemo rounds which means I really wont be done til the end of the year. Sigh.  I cant wait till all of this is over.. but i’m still super nervous about the surgery and wont feel relieved until its over and everything is okay.  I just pray there is no other cancer cells found in my abdomen.. please pray for me because i need all the prayers i can get.  Thanks for everyone who reads my venting.  Means a lot =]

[jenniez-tv]

Finished round 8

I dunno how I missed round 7 for posting on this? I have no idea. Anywho, I just finished round 8, my side effects as stated before are much more mild so it’s good. My fatigue though is getting worse, I’m so tired all the time. I’m hoping it goes away soon. I am officially done with chemo til after the surgery so I get a little break. I’m wondering if there’s any reason to try my high intensity class for a month only to be out for 3 months from surgery then another 2 months of chemo.. I don’t even think my body will be recovered enough to go through it. Bleh. It literally feels disgusting having gained all this weight from chemo/meds.. so gross. And my hair is so thin now, I feel like its so flat.. it’s like less than half of what it was before. I can’t wait for my hair to grow back.. I’m still not looking forward to all these procedures... but I guess getting it done gets it out of the way right? Please pray that nothing will go wrong and everything will go smoothly. It’s just so crazy to think about.

On the bright side, I got to visit a couple of my cousins this past weekend and it was exactly what I needed. It was so much fun and relaxing. Went to ny where they live, played laser tag black ops style which was so cool, watched wicked, saw a magic show, played at a old school arcade area, ate so much yummy food and desserts. I’m probably forgetting something.. I will blame chemo brain for that. Haha. Thank you cousins for giving me such an awesome weekend and treating me to everything! I can’t wait for round 2! Hopefully soon!

Apparently these are the only pics I took.. lol.

[jenniez-tv]

Overloaded with info..

Alright so first things first... my chemo round 6 went pretty well. They lowered my one chemo drug causing all the side effects and boy did that help. I still had all the side effects last for 10 days but the severity was less and much more tolerable. I’d have to say it was a nice feeling compared to the weeks before. But it still sucked. Also around my port hurt bc they had to stick me 3 times to get it... the nurse that does blood draws/iv’s all day gets it so fast on the first try every time I need one for scans and stuff but I dunno what’s going on at the infusion center. It sucks bc it burns like crazy when they flush to see if it’s good.

Onto the news that was bothering me/giving me so much anxiety.. so I knew I had to get HIPEC surgery but I didn’t think it was THAT invasive. Pretty much they are going to cut me from sternum to public bone, which is literally a vertical line all the way down my abdomen and open me completely up. Then they will toss around every organ to see if they see any cancer hiding between or on the organs that the scans didn’t pick up. After they toss around everything and scrape everything off they douse my entire abdomen with chemo drugs for 90 mins while shaking my stomach to make sure it kills any microscopic cancer cells left over. On top of that, the doc plans on removing my sigmoid part of the colon, which means it’s going to go from my small intestine straight to my rectum bc the sigmoid has polyps still and it’s best to remove as much as possible while still being able to attach it. They also are going to remove the rest of the omentum bc the part removed prior had cancer on it so they going to remove the rest of it since it likes to store the cancer cells. And bc of the type of my cancer cells, they travel to the ovaries and uterus a lot so he’s going to remove that so I won’t have cancer return there down the road. He’s also obviously going to remove anything else that has cancer on it. It’s a very invasive but necessary surgery. My oncologist doctor said without this surgery I have about a 90% chance of cancer coming back after chemo but with this it lowers it to avout 20%.

This really made me feel upset bc it’s so invasive, I’m going to be spending over a week at the hospital including 2 days in the ICU with an ng tube, catheter and wound drains. I thought I was done with all this crap and I have to do it all over again... recovery time is like 2-3 months.. it’s just not something I wanted to hear. And I have so many incisions now I feel like I’m gonna look like frankinstein.

Also before this surgery I have to wait 4 weeks off of chemo. In that interim I gotta get an endoscopy (from above) and colonscopy (from below) and after surgery it’s going to take my body 6-8weeks before it’s good enough to finish my 4 rounds of chemo... which means all this shit won’t be done until around end of oct/nov. I’m so over all this already but I still got to deal with it for pretty much the rest of the year.

Me being a nurse who is also type A, a little OCD and with anxiety is not helping me.... I keep thinking of all the things that can go wrong.. and I’m just dreading the recovery. The surgery is going to take about 10 hours and when I got my colectomy that to about 6 hours that messed up my back big time bc I have a herniated and 2 buldging discs. They said I can’t even lay on my side for a month.. right now I turn every couple hours in bed using multiple pillows to help with my back. (I know I sound like an old lady lol). But with this long surgery and limitations I already know how much back pain I’m going to have on top of the abdomen pain... and I am not looking forward to it. Plus who knows if I’m going to wake up with a bag or wake up with him telling me he removed many more organs bc they had cancer... I just can’t imagine my life with a bag.. or needing dialysis forever or something..

I also spoke with an infertility doctor about saving some of my eggs.. but currently my eggs are bad bc I’ve already been on chemo for awhile... she said it will take a minimum of 3 months for me to possible get good eggs.. and I Can’t be off chemo that long... so I guess having a baby with my genes is gone.. and with no ovaries and uterus I’m going to go into menapause so I’m going to be started on hormone replacement therapy as soon as I can after the surgery...

GAH 🤭🤬😩🥺