J.P.P

The JennyPurpleProject. Nurse student, 22 years old, workaholic and so damn crazy.

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He’s gone now. The last thing he gave me was a lie. Even in the end he still couldn’t find it in his heart to be honest.

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”You’re selfish” is a response I often get when I say that I am depressed. Well, if I could give my healthy body and age and everything good about me to someone that doesn’t have that but wants to live - I would. No need to pay me just take everything I have. Just so I can die. Is that selfish?

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I couldn’t satisfy your mothers view of the perfect girl for her son.

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It’s so childish to think that maybe that handsome man could fall in love with me. Like I was still 12 years old dreaming about one day get together with the school’s hottest guy. Ofc he would never bat an eye for me. I am just... me.

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For one moment there I thought that I had your attention. But I was never even close.

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And I thought, ”why not me? Why her?”

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I knew I wasn’t in love with him anymore when everything he said was no longer perfect.

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My name is Jenny and I am now giving up. I don’t want to be a daughter, a sister, a friend and a partner. I will no longer care for people because they mean a lot to me. I will no longer be a good girl. I will be the best but only to myself.

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“oooooooh….”

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I can’t

I can’t do this anymore. Life, this life is meaningless and I am not good enough for this world to be forced to keep me alive. I tried, I have really tried to take my own life but somehow woken up again and again. Swallowed sleepingpills then jumped into the lake. But woke up face up and very much well.

Everyday feels like I am running. Running from the fear of my mother absuing me, my father abusing me, my mother wanting to arrange a marriage för me and the voices. Oh those fucking voices from my memory. My mom yelling at me, scaring me and always suprise me when I least expect it by hitting me. She could be happy for one second and then just angry and hitting me. I am always afraid and never had a safe place in my life. Bullied in school. Never excepted to the Swedish community. Outsider. Forever.

I can’t do this. I am so tird and my feet are so sore from running and running from my fear every day. I just want to sleep in please let me sleep. Please just kill me please please please.

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In every nightmare I have my mom is always there to kill me, torture me, rape me or watch me die painfully. She is my nightmare and even if I lives far far away from her I can still be scared for my life that she will appear from nowhere and abuse me. These things just makes me wanna kill myself before she can get to me.

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Why am I here so sad when I can be in your arms and be more sad. At least I am near you

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I wish I could do more for another person to be happy. But can’t even make myself happy

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I just can’t get up anymore

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I love silent films

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I’m gonna die

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Oscar-worthy

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How long will I be able to keep smiling?

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Why can’t I stop being so f*cking depressed