a REALLY REALLY normal guy. @jeremyphipps - Tumblr Blog

.summer_run

In 3rd grade I came home from school and wrote on a paper or told my brother in some way about a girl named Summer Ecoberger (“eye-co-burger”). It’s a running joke in my family. My cheeks turns red when they say that name and I’m brought back to my 9 year old self.

During that time I was fresh in Baton Rouge from New Orleans. We lived in a mixed raced, middle class neighborhood for the first time. Summer was an awkward chubby white girl in my elementary school who I found myself crushing on. I was an extremely shy kid so I didn’t befriend many people but she seemed cut from the same branch as me. This was one the first people I felt no social anxiety talking to. We lived in the hood before and after those 2 years in the suburbs and there was not a whole lot of room for eccentric personalities. Being “shy” or “weird” was a liability.

I remember, a couple years after we moved back to New Orleans, I walked to a basketball court with my cousin. In order to get there we had to past this street called Milan. A street filled with kids my cousins had beef with at the time (New Orleans didn’t have gangs before Katrina. You looked out for your family and the people in your immediate area.). Their animosity toward us stemmed partially from when we won a pickup basketball game and partially because we were privileged people. We was poor by the national economic standard but we had our mother and father, our house wasn’t blighted and we wasn’t forced to sell drugs to help pay bills.

That day we walked past the Derbigny and Milan intersection and saw the Milan street boys coming a block up across a neutral ground on Napoleon street. They were coming our way, about 7 of em and I wondered if they noticed us, it didn’t seem like they did.

My cousin and I made a right turn and moved casually, trying not bring attention to ourselves. A couple minutes later we heard a shout in our direction. I continued walking slow pretending to be unafraid to my cousin, god forbid you look weak in front your family. I glanced back over and noticed that they had bats and sticks.

I gradually picked up pace and my cousin asked me “are you scared?” while laughing. “No…” I lied. They started picking up speed toward us. Fear got the best of me and I commenced the running. I can hear my cousin shouting “whatchu doin?!” as he trailed behind. The alarm was triggered and now it was officially a chase.

A couple blocks up Napoleon street my cousin and I made another hard right on Broad and jammed into the one place they’d never walk in.

The Rosa Keller Library.

An older woman behind the counter facing the door asks “can I help you?” We both shook our heads and walked through the aisles pretending to look at books.

It was exceptionally quiet in the library. We waited awhile to see if the Milan boys will come in….

No sign of them. My cousin starts cracking up laughing again.

#summer #stories #new orleans

The Tape Player Hiss

2001 Toyota Avalon is my car. It has a billion miles on it and is far out of its prime. One of its special features is this, at one time luxurious, tape player connect to a bose sound system that has also seen better days....I bought this car because of the old school charm but that certainly has its setbacks. One of the most annoying one for me is the hiss from the tape player. I blast music loud all day and for whatever technical reason there's a loud hiss that's buried into the music.

My point in bringing up this very petty, specific car problem is today i had a breakthrough in my head during one of my frustrating episodes with the radio. My life is full of struggle with my stress and anxiety. Constant battling to wake up and to go to bed at night. Not to mention the terrible stuff inbetween....

I ask myself how can I get rid of the bad feeling?how can i get rid of the bad feeling? how can i get rid of the bad feeling? I search my brain for a time i felt completely happy and comfortable. Maybe when I was really young playing basketball with my cousins, as far as i know I lived those days 100% carefree. Nostalgia gets us with that huh? “that was before we made...any terrible mistakes”, Annie Clark once sung. How can i know that i wasn’t haunted by the same level of stress that I feel now? When I get older will this be the good ole days?

When that tape turned on its typical hiss today I couldn’t help but laugh. There’s always so many things to "fix." Would my life be better if I fixed that hiss...I don’t know.

Someone once told me about a philosophy that there is no such thing as good or bad things...it's all connected. Let’s flirt with the idea that maybe that tape hiss isn’t a good or bad thing. Maybe it’s just a thing. On a deeper level maybe none of my happiest moments in life won’t be without a tinge of anxiety and stress.

books on books on books.

On New Year's day i decided I wanted to read more. From then until now (June) i've read everyday for an hour or so. I just got done with book 15, more books then i've read in the rest of my life combined. I wanna share some things i picked up. -Sometimes the intros spoil the story. Follow your instincts. If they're on some fuck-shit i move on to chapter 1. -Ever since google incognito search, learning facts can seem pointless...but there's a lot of information you can't find online. Also, the internet has a way of grazing over huge topics and simplifying them into short articles. -My most important rule to myself was to always finish the book....even when it's boring, even when i want to start on one i'm way more excited about, even when the narrator is annoying, I always finish the book. Habits control us and as soon as I get in the habit of not finishing it becomes harder to complete. And more importantly, like relationships, sometimes a book has to grow on you. At times it's not as fun but that's what makes the climax what it is. -At, like, book 10 i decided not to start a book without a recommendation or some sort of pre-interest...it saved me some frustration. When you don't understand or care about what you're reading it's harder to focus (see your entire high school experience for reference) -Reading with music on headphones helps me stay awake. I used to think the lyrics would distract me, and some songs do, but when you find the right ones it can be helpful af. -Staying awake is the hardest part for me. I tried a bunch of things to help me stay up. My favorite is going to the coffeeshop. It's become my morning ritual l (I do wish i could read and sleep tho) -Be patient, you don't have to finish in a night. Maybe it'll take a week or a couple months to finish. No matter how long it takes it's still valuable. As long as you're constant it'll end eventually. It's actually really sad when a good story ends.... -On the same subject i try to avoid looking to see how many pages i have left. It's kinda like when you're at work and you keep looking up at the clock and it seems like it's in extra slow-mo. (why does that happen? i hate that) -Inevitably there will be moments where you think you've missed a vital part and feel lost. It's ok, it's natural....you're not a bad reader. Keep pushing thru because sometimes the rest of the story will catch you up. One cool benefit is all type of words involuntarily come out of my mouth. Deep references and shit...i must be smart now?! As a newly smart person i feel my duty to leave you with a quote. "words are powerful....so are farts. so try to make your farts sound like words and post it on Youtube"

#books

Rid it if it’s all you can talk about

Rid it if it makes you desirable

Rid it because you can’t hold on

Rid it because it’s ridded all along

#rid it

Hot Shit

I have a mental conflict.

It’s whether to tell people about my accomplishments. On one hand when i’m excited about something and someone asks me “what have you been up to?”, why wouldn’t I want to let them know what i’ve done? It’s probably the only thing looming in my head.

But what’s happened in my experiences is 3 different reactions. The one I think I want, which is, “woah! that’s great. you’re great.” Fishing for the ole pat on the back to keep me moving. But is that what we work so hard for? For our friends to say we’re hot shit? The whole acceptance that you’re holier than thou sets your ego on a pedestal with a red target. Only to have it shot down because “hot shit” is a fragile, fleeting idea...that’s the way humanism works. Every position no matter how high or low comes with its set of problems and luxuries.

Another reaction I get is indifference and that’s an early kill to the ego. It’s the truest reaction to me though because, let’s be real, most people deep down don’t care and can’t feel how important your accomplishments are for you besides your mama.

The only people who truly care about your achievements beside mom are the people that can use it for themselves and I think jealousy stems from when someone can’t use your success for their own lives.

I’m tempted to force this part myself. In order to get that pat on a back i’ll try and make it about you. I’ll tell you how “this is a win for the team!” but unconsciously I’m desperate for someone to care.

That’s why I keep most things secret. The sweet taste of success for my own senses. No one to shame it, abuse it, or steal it. Besides. Are any of our success stories meant to be shared? That bubbly feeling you have inside lasts only until you let it out and put it in someone else’s possession. Then it’s up to them to keep it intact. But maybe that bubbly feeling is there to help us be excited to go about our personal lives and not a social weapon to put us up on the ladder.

Visit Original Link

Claire is one of my new favorite collaborators, she has a voice like an angel.

“forever’s a long long time to wait”

#forever #people museum

The Critics

The critics. They’re all around us. It’s strangers, it’s your friends and if your not doing anything but your passing judgement on someone else who’s doing it, its you.

The rest of us are on the battlefield. You’ve taken an idea of yours, whatever that may be and you’ve actualized it...your doing something. Kudos from me personally but society has no participation awards. Once you enter the warzone for the first time your a soldier among soldiers and as if the battle scars wasn’t painful enough, the critics further the punishment with their judgements.

I get disappointed when i see my friends become too pensive on there ideas. They want it to be perfect…arrogance…saying "i’m gonna do it better when i do a thing.” If they ever start doing something after all the critiquing, they’ll realize that they make the same mistakes they were so critical of, “ah. its not as easy as you thought huh?”

I saw this P Diddy interview once, he was describing what type of person he would hire (…..not apologizing lol). He said “schooling doesn’t matter to me…the most important thing in hiring an intern is who’s ready to go to war."

War. As a millennial, liberal idiot i used to snub my nose up at soldiers. I thought “why would someone ever go to war? Dying for a country that wouldn’t die for you, that’s stupid.” Not that i no longer think that that’s a valid opinion but i empathize more with the troops. I never gave any credit to the person who has the courage to fight, who's standing up for their beliefs and who's doing a whole lot more than talking. I was simply a critic.

#critics

The boy who cried,“that was awesome!”

I’m always overthinking compliments man.

In my head I’m trying hard to hide my underwhelmed feelings...i hope i’m hiding it well...My thing is that i know what it feels like to be on the other side. i hate when someone downplays my praise with “oh no, i suck”....i’m like “damn dude you ruined my memory and now i think it sucked too.” And i know your self deprecating is secretly arrogance.

What “oh no, i suck” says is either “I receive praise all the time and this is my half-ass attempt pretending to be on the same level as you”....or it says “i’m so obsessed with myself that i don’t care how much you enjoyed me”.

One of the “hard truths of life” inside my future bestseller is “compliments mean nothing.”...praise at its best is a reaffirmation of what you already feel. It never adds something that isn’t there. No matter how much someone tells you that you killed it, if you, in your heart of hearts, aren’t sure you did you’ll never be able to appreciate it and your Taylor Swift award acceptance face is probably a big facade. On the other end if you know you did good, you don’t have to hear anything and you probably would rather have it that way...

Another thing about praise is that you never know the back story. In certain situations like say, someone cooks for you, its the social norm to compliment them after you eat. These fake compliments devalued the sincere compliment. When someone says this is good, and they really mean it, it feels like a boy cried wolf situation.

The thing that keeps me sane when i’m receiving alot of praise is to say to myself “the people who hated me won’t tell me and have already left”...there’s only a small population of people who will tell you their honest opinion to your face. Rare like capturing Zaptos on the old Pokemon gameboy game, so you gotta be your own critic.

But ya know. It’s all first world problems either way. People are fearing for their lives everyday around the world and all i have is the stress of “i get too many compliments!”...hahaha shut up and go to sleep Jeremy.

#compliments #praise

Letting Go Power

Today was dope, I spent another Thanksgiving day with my family. Lots of drinking, lots of inside jokes and so much good food its hard to contain yourself during grace. i’ve gotten closer with my family recently and that’s because i focus intently on it.

All the fun today made me think of this J Cole interview i stumbled on yesterday. The interviewer asked what success meant to him. J Cole talked about his journey for money, fame and power and how he thought that would make him happy. After achieving most of those things he was still depressed. He came to realize his friends and family was where his true happiness lied…yep, cliché, i agree but its an honest truth that we all need to be reminded of. (also stop being so judgmental bro, i’m trying to make a point)

Power is an undying urge. There’s never enough power. It’s a drug that never satisfies but always begs for more. similar to crack.

I learned this lesson after years of obsessing over my career. Dream chasing led me to sometimes exciting, sometimes funny, but most time depressing places. I was so down that failure made me sick and success made me skeptical.

I spent a lot of time this year trying to conquer that sadness. It was an intentionally non-career guided battle. Simpler put, i wanted to be ok without success.

Like the question Kanye asked in his song “Power”. “Do you have the power to let power go?”. I’ve heard that song a million times without realizing the weight of that statement. Most of my life i’ve spent on a relentless fight to be the best, richest and most famous. The thought of letting that go scared me more than anything. It felt very similar to dying...letting go power was like dying.

Stripped of my ambitious goals I was left with my family and friends...Love is the only unwavering part of life. So i chose to give love my most energy and put my career secondary. It took away the pressure of “if i’m not successful then i’m a failure.” and gave me freedom. Freedom to be where-ever, with whoever, doing whatever, and still be ok as long as there’s love. Luckily love is one of those things the universe gives us standard.

BY THE WAY. the word happy is annoying to me, that’s why i try not to use it. happy is an intimidating overused word. pure bliss is something that is special...its a feeling most people can’t expect to accomplish on a daily basis. and a goal that causes anxiety for us anxiety pronged kids. in my opinion i think we should not fight for happiness but to be “ok” because that’s much more realistic

#family #success

A Bathroom Story

i remember a time long ago. i roamed into the bathroom in elementary school. my first time in a public restroom with no parents! i could smell the not-so-exciting new mixture of pee, sweat and old bathroom walls.

as i entered the stall i heard some loud cursing along with cries from other boys. i carefully peeked around the door to see 2 bigger kids holding this one smaller kid upside down shaking all the money out of his pocket then forcing his face into the toilet. i was terrified.

all the time i spent playing the stealth war video game, Metal Gear Solid, came in handy. i quickly and cunningly snuck out the bathroom unseen and unheard. hell i don’t even remember if i peed i was so focused.

as i walked back to the classroom. i realized my place in the social playground…the victim. i never once imagined myself in the role of the shaker. elementary school was me counting down the days until my inevitable shakedown. i could barely even focus on my work i was so anxious.

what unlucky good luck i had...sometimes i wish it was me. i wish i could’ve been the kid getting turned upside down in that bathroom. because to know that you can make it out of that situation alive cancels out the fear of the unknown, which was a much harder stain to clean off.

he should’ve stole my money and dignity but instead i was tortured with the possibility. and that can linger forever.

Compromise

If anyone had a clue that i existed in high school they’d probably vote me “Most Likely to Overwork Himself to Death”

its like a drug to me. a bad one. not one i bring up often and not a source of cool points. i obsess over work so much that i have to make having fun an “important task” in order to do it.

That was today. I decided “ok Jeremy. what would make you happier right now?” so i came to tumblr. tumblr is my version of a good time. one that has a hint of productivity involved, a sort of guilt-free entertainment...

It partially comes from my childhood when my broke parents told me i could always get the video game that costs $19.99 but never one that’s $29.99. Not because you can’t afford the 29.99, but because if you have a chance to save, you save. They’d choose the cheaper brand of everything to save a couple cents, not calculating how much those Oreos would make life “awesome” and those “Oh Rio” cookies would make you “some what satisfied.” The mindset that i carry unconsciously is “you can have kinda what you want...but not EXACTLY what you want...you need to compromise”. It shapes your taste to a dollar amount, which i feel would make someone lose track of what the “true value” is. This works in my favor when saving up money but not so well when letting go and having FUN. not halfway fun, not “don’t get too crazy” fun. but this is exactly where i want to be fun. i haven’t seen that much in my life...and DEFINITELY not as a kid.

Even in the business world and creatively. I tell myself “you can’t have this song sound EXACTLY as good as you want....you need to compromise.” “you can’t get paid what you REALLY want...you need to compromise.” It’s a very beautiful humble way to live life. but you only live ONE time and i’d be damned if i die with a fucking diet coke, watered down experience. i want my coke with all the BITE in the world, because i work for it.

It happens in my love life as well. “you can’t have the girl you really like...you need to compromise.” “you can’t be in as healthy relationship as you want...you have accept the shitness of a situation...because hey. at least you got somebody.”

Some people don’t have that mindset. Those people come across (are) spoiled. i dunno if its some astrology shit or what but they’ll, no matter how inconvenient or oppressive they come across, go for the gold medal...not the participation award. For the longest i saw being spoiled as a bad thing but now i think its a great thing. They buy the mexican coke, not that American, high fructose corn syrup shit just to save a dollar. For us who don’t have it in our DNA (rich parents) we have to work to gain that back.

I challenge you and i challenge myself to stop accepting that bad weed is still weed shit. Keep those standards high. go get exactly what ice cream you want and go after that attractive person you can stare at for the rest of your life...because if you don’t. you just never.

This song reminds me of something my mama would love. chords with plenty of 9s and 11s over it so that the music seems as if it floats on water. this is a mesmerizing composition. i’m usually the first to hate on “complicated music” but The Lung is undeniable. great work Hiatus Kaiyote

#lung #hiatus kaiyote

“focus on the pennies and the dollars will handle themselves”