re-discovered, re-read, re-posted. Thank you for the words, friend.
“It took me a long time to digest and process what you told me, about what happened. I know its difficult to talk about, it’s difficult just writing this. But it did happen, and not talking about it won’t make it go away. I say everything I say here because I care about you deeply, and if there is a small chance that something I might say might connect or make sense, then I’ll take that chance - and if it doesn’t, I take it you understand that I’m saying this from the best that I can understand and empathise. I am not saying any of this out of pity, and I definitely do not want to offend or upset you.
Not talking about it won’t make it go away. It happened, and like all pain, it’s probably left scars. You don’t have to feel ashamed about it. You don’t have to feel dirty. It doesn’t have to define you, it doesn’t mean that you’re ‘spoilt’ in any way, and it doesn’t mean you need to be ‘fixed’. You don’t have to stay angry. It doesn’t have to have a negative influence on your life right now.
Most people carry pain and some scars. The one’s that don’t are young and ignorant, and their ignorance is probably their bliss. What I’ve realised, is that I have spent a lot of time trying to find myself. A lot of time trying to understand why I’m ‘fucked up’ in the ways that I am. What I hadn’t been thinking about enough, is that I can be whoever I want to be. And I know that I do not want to be someone who worries all the time. Sure, there’s things that hurt, there are things that I could potentially worry about, there’s things that make me feel bad about myself, that make me feel ‘damaged’. I had a conversation with someone a few weeks back, and they put it so eloquently - ‘I have food to eat, a roof over my head, and good people around me… I have nothing to worry about’. It sounds trite, I know. But think about it.
Another trite line, but life is a journey, not a race and not a frantic attempt at utopia or perfection or ‘trying to be good’, for that probably doesn’t exist. It’s a journey, and it’s yours. You get to make it the way you want it, it’s your movie and you’re the lead role and you get to direct it. I know you appreciate the idea of creating - what project could be bigger and more exciting than the idea of creating yourself, your life. You get to make it, and there’s just no rush, and there’s no need for self-judgement. We’re just starting out, the adventure is just beginning.
I realised that I sometimes envy people who can be so happy, and just live. And I realised that I am the only thing that’s stopping me from that. Trite again, I know. But true. I stop myself by feeling bad for myself, by thinking my problems are the end of the world, that my pain or the sense of loss I feel can’t be overcome. But there’s people all around me that do. And I think it’s empowering - to say you fell, to know it, but to lift yourself out of it and get up. To decide to build a wall for the pain and not let it get the better of you, not let it win. Because your life if your life, it’s more yours than anything else in the world. And there’ll be pain along the way, but that’s part of the experience, as much as moving on from the pain is.
You can be free, you can free yourself from it. From the pain and the worry. You can be whoever you want to be.
I understand people more the more I understand myself. Perhaps this is the only way I understand people - I don’t know if that’s how it works for others too. I know what how it feels to feel damaged because of the actions and words of others. And I’ve realised that it doesn’t need to be that way. People can hurt me, but it is up to me if I let them continuously do so. It is up to me how long I let their actions and words affect me. For me, part of that process has been understanding how it makes me feel - and that’s been the painful part. But with that understanding comes some clarity. Clarity of what I do no want, what I do not want to feel, and what I will not let someone else make me feel. It’s empowering, because it’s realising and deciding that those things will not have power over me anymore; that I am, and can make myself, stronger than that.
Your story, your movie, is beautiful. You’ve seen so much of the world, you’ve had some crazy dramatic lesbian relationships, you’ve played the drums like a rockstar, you’ve met great people and touched their lives, you’ve had crazy not-giving-a-shit kinda fun, and you know what else; and now you’ve started a whole new chapter, a whole new adventure, and it’s yours to make, it’ll be your story to tell. You’re beautiful. Look at the things you love in people, you’ll find so much of it in yourself.(that’s a silly notion really, come to think of it. there’s things about you, that you do love; i think that’s a better way of looking at it to find those things) It’s your movie, make it how you want it, it’ll go up and down, but it’ll be great, and there’s nothing to worry about because you have yourself, your pride and your beauty, and all the time in the world. Your life is yours, more than anything else in the world.
Loving the shit out of you, always, through the bad times and the good.
-your friend, lover, causer of a lot of pain, partner in worry, self-destruction and self-help. most importantly - your friend.”
prguitarman
turnnoffyourmind
theartofmadeline
origamiaround
areudirty