My overall goal for the Ghost Season is āgetting rid of things I donāt likeā. During this time Iāve realized how much stuff Iād really like to get rid of, and how much Iāve been tolerating for no discernible reason. Before starting, I only knew I wanted to discard some household stuff (and Iām doing this now - my donation pile is just huge), and all the things I desribe below just kind of popped up. Andā¦ once again, how and why did I just keep living with them *headdesk*
1. My bad physical shape. Now Iām exercising regularly and for the first time in forever, itās the lack of exercise that feels uncomfortable. I should also mention that thereās been some unexpected and nice opportunities for getting into shape, such as going backpacking with my friends, and a couple of times I had to make some extra effort and push myself - for example, the same backpacking trip had me walking and hauling stuff around for longer than I expected, but it was never too much. Still, had I known the exact details and the terrain beforehand, I would have probably declined, but this way I just had to put in some extra effort and, well, apparently thatās how you improve.
2. My bad English. I donāt experience any significant problems in my work and everyday life because of it, but every time I translate something (like that fic I never finished *sigh*), communicate or just try to write something in English, it feels really awkward. Now Iāve finally realized I should stop whining about my poor English skills and actually do something to improve. Itās like exercise - during that initial excruciating period, any active attempts are going to feel like torturing myself with my own inadequacy and reminding myself of my numerous failures, but once Iām through that, my brain will dial back on self-hate.
3. Maybe aggressively defending my right to dislike myself in every conceivable way isnāt a necessity anymore. I still donāt buy into the whole āloving myselfā stuff because I define love as something between separate entities, free and uncoerced, and when someone says āYou better love yourself, or youāll never be happyā, it sounds like the person giving advice is just trying to make everyone else into a one-character fanfic on arranged marriages (āthey had to love each other or dieā, āthey were stuck together for lifeā, you know) where the lover and the beloved are the same person - but stuck together with no way out - but loving - but or else. I had a couple of interesting dreams that could be interpreted in a variety of ways, but I just know that they point at this particular problem.
4. My irritating speech issue. I wouldnāt call it a full-out disorder, some of my friends donāt even notice this problem, but Iāve always had it and itās always been uncomfortable to live with. Iāve been told that I shouldnāt bother, but itās really annoying so I should at least look into available treatment plans.
And I still canāt believe just how large my donation pile is. Itās massive. In the beginning I felt guilty about discarding things I didnāt like, but then I told myself: āHey, I promised. I promised to spend time on getting rid of unwanted stuff. I promised not to tolerate it anymore.ā And wow did that help.
