My Struggle With Anxiety

PTSD

[jgibbs15-blog]

My first real flashback

Last night was a night like any other. I’m on painkillers that knocked me out to a state I had been in before and was taken advantage of night after night. I was yelling at my fiancé for violating me and he has no idea of what he accusations I was making.

EMDR has really opened my mind to things I never realized. So whether I brought up what I chalked up to be a hallucubation, myvtherapist pointed out was actually a flash back. Due to being put in the same vulnerable position I was in before, my body reenacted in my mind what had happened years ago. Crazy

[jgibbs15-blog]

How could you say that

I wonder in my condition how people can be well aware and still so mean. To break me down, tell me I’m too emotional, a monster, many other names can be thrown in, but telling me I’m worse I think hurts the most.

For someone to tell you tg last thing they want to do is make you cry, but every other day have tears steaming down your face. People always wonder why I’m so tired, who I’m so stresses. It’s because there’s never a break in the negativity. If it’s not this person, it’s that person. My supports can be my worst enemies and all I want to do is live a simple life that was not granted to me. I know things can be worse, but if you felt what I felt, maybe you’d understand.

Is it His will or am I not letting Him lead me. Is He telling me to hurt for a reason, or is it my cop out.

[jgibbs15-blog]

When your main support is not supporting you.

How many times can the conversation be held. I need your support. Hear me. Listen and just be in the moment.

But they fly off the handle. Something as small as eating at the table is enough to send them off into a frenzy attacking you from all angles. You're heart immediately starts to break. Not because you did something bad, but they want you to feel that way. Almost like your opinions are not valid. My OCD has me walking on pins and needles because people take my things that really bother me for no apparent reason, like don't put your feet on the shower rug until after you've showered. Not after working a 8 hour shift with grease and sweat all over your feet, like I'm criticizing their every move.

I like to be clean. I don't think it's a crime, but I get penalized for it and most people don't get it, don't care to, until they hear it from someone else. Because to them, you're just a stupid girl who wants everything their way. So now, I'm being told I don't care. I don't know what else to say. Backed into a corner with no way out

I don't like having dirty feet. I don't like having dirt and crumbs everywhere. What you don't know... I change my socks 4 times a day, more if I'm cleaning. Because I don't want to track more dirt around as I'm cleaning. I didn't know it would be such a downfall to my failure as a human being with feelings.

I just want a clean space...

[jgibbs15-blog]

The everyday battle

Today started out great. It was productive and I got things done...Then went horrible, awfully horrible. I can't remember how many times over and over I cried today. I spent my EMDR session crying because I was too upset to be in the state of mind required when dealing with trauma. My evening, I was numb. Emotionally and mentally drained. You couldn't force a smile out of me if you paid me.

Luckily homework with Jasmine and a hug from my hunny bun with some family time playing just dance got me out of my funk. But every moment is the flip of a coin

[jgibbs15-blog]

I wish I could find that reason, but it's been 31 years and it isn't my purpose for me to know

[jgibbs15-blog]

Alone

It's hard not to feel alone in this. When people don't get it and no one hears what you're saying. "I'm having a panic attack. I need you to hold me, I need words of encouragement and support", but then "you're overreacting" comes out. It emits a fiery eruption you can't put out pushing you past where you just were, into panic, into frustration, into anxiety.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, my heart felt like it was coming out of my chest and each time you wonder "will I make it" even though there's no foreseeable danger. It's a response your body has decided to make. It's in fight mode and it's only fighting itself.

So please, moral is, when someone says support, just do it. If you don't know, ask. If you still can't bring yourself to be there for someone when you can't possibly understand what they're experiencing, then don't try like you care. That simple. I'm sorry, but I'm hurting

[jgibbs15-blog]

Saved?

PSA: I personally believe reagradless of race, color, sexuality, etc. People have the right to practice faith as they wish, including if that's not at all.

The last couple of weeks at church have been very emotional for me. A lot of talk on mental health and the like. I cry my eyes out and ask God if He can hear me. It's very surreal. The pastor has been calling people to the front who have been struggling to be prayed over. This for me is an issues. I don't like a large amount of people looking at me, especially when I'm crying...

I decided this time to grow up and just do it already so after gathering some courage, I looked at my fiancé and told him I was going to go up.

I began to walk around the aisles to the front and I was hugging myself looking down. It wasn't comfortable at all. Now the pastor and has associate pastors were all at the front announcing the congregation with oil and praying over them.

Now understand, the pastor just has

To be continued...

[jgibbs15-blog]

How can I expect anything. Yah, I'm plunging right now

[jgibbs15-blog]

I am curious to know how you were diagnosed with PTSD

My psychiatrist and therapist diagnosed me

[jgibbs15-blog]

PTSD

It was only recently that I had been diagnosed with PTSD, but that I had also been put on a medication to help with my anxiety due to the PTSD. I at first did not believe it helped at all, but decided on the whim to once again try the medication and I’m already feeling a little more relaxed. It’s crazy when you were once a person who thought medication was the most evil you could do to a person and I’m now such a proponent of it. I never really realized how much medication could help until you realize you can’t live your life without it. Sometimes you feel like you’re losing your mind, but it’s just your body’s coping mechanism gone horribly wrong. I know that without my medication, I would be literally disabled and probably would not be here, but thanks to medication and it’s advances, I have a fighting chance to win this battle. I’m pushing through and praying that the suffering I have been enduring since I was 10, but most profoundly for the last 5 years, will be a distant memory. I pray He knows my struggle and watches over me as I continue on keeps me strong. If you didn't know, now you know

[jgibbs15-blog]

[jgibbs15-blog]

Follow me!

[jgibbs15-blog]

Yesterday was the worst day since I can remember

I recently began EMDR therapy to address my long time battle with overwhelming anxiety and vertigo that tends to go hand in hand

Lately I’ve been experiencing it when I drive, no matter where I’m going or how familiar of the area. Traffic, a stop light, smooth going, it didn’t matter. Everything can be fine and bam. I get smacked in the face with fear, tension, dizziness. I can’t think, I forget to take deep breathes and realize I’m actually holding my breath as if it will always things better.

I missed my EMDR session this last week due to needing to vent and I’m hoping that when I see my Shapiro trained counselor, the next session will calm me.

So yesterday I cried, I screamed, things began to move, I felt dizzy, I couldn't focus my eyes on anything, I was nauseated, I waited for my fiancée to bring me my medication which I’m never without. Think about it, you need that medication and you left it at home. I almost died, not literally, figuratively. But needless to say, feeling like you won’t make it this time, though nothing medical is happening to you, is still not a enjoyable feeling. I’m hoping for a miracle I was pulled over on Semoran for an hour until I could drive and my meds kicked in with my fiancée late for work, just holding my hand. He saved my day, but I felt horrible for it…