idk

poetry//writing blog//hole in the dirt • jee, they

[faerun]

hey, I haven't posted on this blog for a long time but I'm making this post here since i have more followers. long story short, i need help.

me and my boyfriend are currently about to be homeless, we're currently staying in a camper on my grandparents property. they're selling the camper and after 05/01 we will no longer have a place to stay. my boyfriend has found a job and I'm currently looking, but his job pays minimum wage and is part time only so saving money will be slow.

all the possessions we own in the world will fit in our car so we're most likely going to be living out of it for awhile unless a miracle happens, but we also have small animals and we need money at least to feed them and keep gas in the car. i know everyones going thru it right now but if anyone has anything to spare, even a dollar, I would very much appreciate it. if you cant spare anything that's okay, I would appreciate if you could at least reblog this post the spread the word.

cashapp: $faeruns

[faerun]

quick edit, fixed the date! all this money will go towards day to day expenses, like gas in the car and food for us and our animals. like I said my bf is working and I'm currently looking for a job so we hopefully wont be in this situation for long, anything and everything helps! thank you everyone who has reblogged so far!

[jheeyae]

In my dreams, my scarred thumbs press into your throat until the soft flesh gives way.

Until it opens, a vermilion flower that blossoms and spills its sweet nectar

over my hands, my forehead, my feet, I bless myself in your name.

Is this love or hate? The earth flayed open and desiccated, its skin

cracked and withered, your body a pillar of crumbling salt.

Still, you watch - even as my tears dissolve your limbs -

ever so calmly, ever so placidly. Your mouth - a burbling, iron-rich spring -

your hands - knobbled ashes in the coal-grate -

your eyes - calm, placid, fathoms-deep - swallowing me whole, even as

your jaw falls slack against my fists, teeth shriveled to dust.

(No matter, those solemn boy’s-eyes of yours say, so dark and deep.

This is how it was written.)

- scrap 2 (draft)

[jheeyae]

In my dreams I am with you, in a wide rolling field budding with

the young-green of spring, tilling the dark soil with our naked earthenware feet.

I dream of us youthful, faces bright and smooth still, long-limbed and gangly,

the silhouetted curve of your shoulder against the scathing blue sky -

you in front, and I following - always following, in my dreams.

Your eyes - solemn, ageless, fathoms-deep -

your hands - rough, calloused, sun-browned -

your mouth, opening and closing, silent, silenced - by the soft lethargy of

my mind, the pooling guilt not yet sentenced - imparting pearls of wisdom

I should take under my tongue, red-hot coals to touch my lips;

but with this wide sea of a sky we are underwater, deaf and mute;

the embers sputter out as quickly as they come.

(No matter, those solemn boy’s-eyes of yours say, so dark and deep. 

This is how it was written.)

- scrap 1 (draft)

[jheeyae]

how beautiful is the world on my doorstep,

beneath my skin and on the back of someone

gently departing.

how the light shines white and dazzling,

a blank canvas on which

we taste the fullness of everything that

could be,

the discarded thoughts of adulthood.

if i close my eyes i can almost see -

the vibrant colours of

something miraculous

happening behind the oaken door.

oh, love!

let me bleed on your ragged edges

and reknow the meaning to live.

love!

what left of me would i give

for a glimpse

of your wearied face.

oh, oh.

if you would reach out your hand

i shall take,

and if you would have me

i would go

on splintered knees

to greet the final morn.

- january 2021

[jheeyae]

there's something to be said about the way blue light from my phone at night resembles the glow of the moon. maybe something to be said about the disconnect. (how far? how wide?) something about hungrily scooping up stolen whispers of love on the sidewalk, the worthless pennies of my childhood. watching the world spin from a screen. there is a boundless distance between me and the earth, the earth and i, crossed by a single red thread --- the sole reminder of my existence. something to be said about chang'e and the rabbit on the moon, that unspeakable longing, bitterly heavy on the tongues of the mute. clogging the throats, the veins in the tender underbellies of the wrists (the most vulnerable part of the enemy) it's how the blood runs slow when mourning, don't you know? no one ever spoke of her grief. no one ever warned me. no such thing as a lone star. tell me, what does it mean to be grounded? to be a person? how does it feel? sorry, it's just, i can't quite remember. did i ever know?

i cannot think of what it might be.

(Astronomy, Vol. 1; Sleeping At Last)

[jheeyae]

here we are !!! brand new day!!! brains fuckin up n around but we still goin!!! we still lovin!!! we still here w/ the jitters in our hands n rollercoaster stomachs and survival is but a pale reflection of our purpose but we still tryin!!! on tuesday i looked up and saw the hot sky brittle with forewarning, air heavy and taut, sun an orange that burst on the tongue and that night - a thunderstorm. lit the deep violet nothingness ablaze with a white that danced a wild, wild bacchanal, called me and my sister to the balcony in the early, early morning - hey ho! where we fished for the lingering footsteps of maenads, our hearts scrabbling to be free. always slipped through our clumsy fingers, a skip ahead of our eyes but oh, the thrill! breathing in the petrichor like we’d never tasted anything like it before. plunging open palms into summer rain, warm as honey. a wined pinpricked haze that clung to our clothes all the way back inside and whispered here you are, reckless love. here you are.

[jheeyae]

marbling the meat of my heart under your trembling fingertips look at me look at me i say, salt sluicing from your eyes to mine / we are something of each other i believe. my hands shake bloodless and fault-lined, i lift a thumb trying not to break you but the tides trickle in heavy / between the cracks / where i cannot smear them away, oh / sorry, sorry, breaking you no baby it doesn’t hurt, hey hey baby don’t cry love my love we share whispers through the soft morning honey of our lips, tell us 3 am insomnia / our beautiful shipwreck / where have you slain us today. letting the tides billow through, guiding your hand to the knife, mouths tender like an open cut, gentle is just another butcher’s knife amidst the gunfire but nevertheless / pulse steady as the wind blows / hurry, quick, don’t let me go unloved. 

[jheeyae]

plait a birdcage of my hipbones; you press thumbs into the hinges and tease out all my rusted screws. i know you’re trying to make me beautiful, make me all shiny and new but! wish you’d keep my screws. wish you’d put my hipbones back. the crack of cartilage peeling away from bone does not deter you, the way blood beads my lips glossy does not deter you, nothing ever really deters you - from twisting me apart. you look so lovely when you’re trying to fix me - so much that it hurts. tiger lilies burst from underneath my fingernails, slide through the crevices of my teeth, their orange petals cut me up and serve me on china. you ask me what they mean by their freckled sneers and i answer through a mouthful of thorns: please love me. 

[jheeyae]

“sink or swim” 

[jheeyae]

when the sea goes fishing

it’s like breaking, you know. the incessant thunderous roll that heaves its brackish bruise-indigo against your nutcracker teeth, digs iceberg fingers in your shirt and rasps do you feel it? feel where i hurt most. the sea would’ve been black if not for the sky but colours aren’t real aren’t real real like this like this this matchstick raft i am am made of aftershock, shipwrecked sails, rag-doll someday laid to rest at the bottom of somewhere soft, somewhere quiet, where blue is sweet and lovely and so real, so very real. (dreams are double-edged swords.) mama said water loves like a god loves a human. never quite aware of its own strength. i tiptoed to the shore prepared to give my heart away (slick, pumping, red enough to be blue in this cold, cold moonlight) but this taut, homeric sea is still reeling in all i have from me, hook and worm slippery ice against the back of my gullet, strangling me on steel. parting shivering bruise-indigo lips to let the ocean surge in, give me the love mama said you would. mama wouldn’t lie. mama, where did you go?

mama, i’m drowning.

[jheeyae]

hoping that one day I will stare out along the horizon and feel the arms of the universe around me, whispering you made it you made it i’m so proud I love you so much. in the belly of my sleeve I have a collection of all the things that make my heart expand twelve times in diameter (small frogs in the palm of my hand, trees that spell safety and comfort in their nobbles, my mother’s roaring laughter, my father’s eye-wrinkle grin. sand crabs. naps in the sun. holding hands. girlfriends and boyfriends and people loving with all their might, loving so hard that others feel brave enough to say hello. good things). listen it’s been almost two years since I first noticed the tear and god I am still darning the seams. my pockets are all full of little fairy lightbulbs that light up in all the hues of the rainbow, that I pass out to strangers on the sidewalk. i’m starting to wonder if it’s time to get a new jacket. i swear i’m trying to find Them. look at all the MISSING posters i’ve put up, i’m telling you i put sticky notes on all of my treasures, my best people. see, here’s a sign from a couple years ago. I know it’s rather on the plain side - tattered and soggy and the pixel quality isn’t great - doesn’t capture the essence quite right, but, d’you see? i’m so homesick.

[jheeyae]

“resurfacing these smoky waters”

heavily edited but also not edited enough *coughs blood* inspired by the style of richard siken (?) i wrote this at like two in the morning so kind of rough but yeah

[jheeyae]

wanna see what you’re like at your darkest. the toilet’s spilling over with all the rancid plums you’d puked up; i’d warned you not to eat it, but you always like to feel everything at its limit. i knew. mulberry blood running down porcelain bowl and porcelain skin, lips bitten and decaying; they puncture angry red in your lovely visage. sorry to say, but you look like god's final collaboration with the devil - absolutely devastating. chase atlantic's caressing melody wafts in with a gentleness that dangles my heart over her salivating maw; plucking petals off flowers is how fate decides to play me. the juxtaposition of it all worms its way into my ribcage and tells me how utterly lost I’ve become, says you like it, don’t you? i’m clinging by the flesh of my fingertips and god’s sandals are soled with thorns. wonder how hard you bite your lovers’ lips, wonder if they like the taste.

you spit, find my parted mouth in the mirror, grin savagely. i can tell you like to watch me stumble. how do i look?

dangerous, i think. irresistible.