do i still love you?
When you lose someone you thought you’d spend forever with, you lose yourself too, because that person was a part of you. When you genuinely believe that, that person is the “one”, that you have so much faith and hope in your relationship that when it’s gone it breaks you so much. When that someone says they love you and want to spend the rest of their life with you to the very next day telling you they don’t feel the same and leaving you, that’s the kinda shit that fucks someone up long term.
I often wonder what you’re doing or if you wonder the same thing, I wonder if you still have reminders of me, if you’ve deleted the pictures or the texts because I know too well I haven’t deleted a thing. If you struggle to listen to music like I do because I can’t listen to a single song without tearing up because every fucking song is a reminder of you. If you cry over me or miss me, if you feel anything close to the pain I feel or if you even feel anything at all, because the way you left me was so cold and heartless.
I’ll find myself looking back on texts or photos, looking back on memories and smiling but then it hurts and I remember that I really should not be looking back but I can’t help it because you truly meant something to me and I thought it was forever. My perfume reminds me of you because I wore it when i was with you, I’ve torn the wallpaper off my walls because I remember looking at it when you’d call, I’ve stopped wearing certain clothes, even my nice ass underwear because i ended up wearing it for you because i knew you loved it. Everything is a reminder of you because you still live in my fucking mind.
My friends and family say “You’ll move on, you’ll find someone better, you’ll be happy again” but how can I ever believe that when the happiest i’ve been was when I was with you, then they’ll say “you can’t rely on someone else for your own happiness” but how could I ever rely on myself to be happy. I cry so much that I begin hiding it because people get sick of me crying, people don’t know what you meant to me because to them it was only “young love” and i’m “too young to love” because I have my whole life ahead of me. I pretend i’m okay because I can’t deal with another lecture on “stop crying over a boy”, I lost the love of my life, But they’ll never understand that’s what it was.
I keep waking up filled with anxiety, like i’m living in a constant panic attack, because I miss you so fucking much. When other people call me baby I feel a little sad, because that’s what you called me. And the love songs that made sense when I was with you make me feel physically sick, other people’s relationships make me sick and that’s not because I’m jealous, it’s because I remember having that with you and now its all gone. The anxiety of losing you haunts me, I can’t eat without throwing up, I can’t sleep, I can’t cope. I think there will always be a part of me that wants you and that has hope that maybe just maybe in the future we’ll be okay.
When I think of you I get this anxious, sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach, I want to text you but know the chances of you replying are so slim and I know if I did i’d feel so horrible that you didn’t care enough to text back. I think of you of as this cold, heartless monster that hates me but when I hear your voice I know that’s not who you are. Sometimes I want to hurt you and I know I could so fucking easily, but then I realize I want to hurt myself more, I wonder if you’d even care, if you’d notice, if you’d want to help but are too much of a coward to reach out, or if you just wouldn’t give a damn at all. Maybe the best way to hurt you is to hurt myself and if I do, I’ll write your name on the bullet so everyone knows you were the last thing that went through my mind. Goodbye.
-24th September 2017