Holys hit. God. Fuck.So high right now, think I saw a dinosaur out the window. God. Fuckkk. Fuck. Polish weed fucks, Brazilian weed fucks… Smoke them both at once… I feel ascended. Reaching into parts of my spirit I’ve been pushing away. I. Need this, need this bad. Not even gay, god. Please. I need this. It’s all I need. I need this. That “who gives a fuck” sort of man-love. That “I don’t give a shit if we look gay” sort of intimacy. Someone to go to for cuddles, food, or sex, you know. Some reallll shit. I need this. God. Fuck. I want a wife. I want a girl to love. But I also need that sort of male intimacy, that understanding, you don’t fuckng get it you don’t get it. I need to be held and cradled as if I were precious, I want him to look into my eyes with the care of an angel, but that sort of man-love doesn’t exist here, I guess. I have a lot of FWBs but none of us have that sort of connection, I fucking guess, and they just think I’m gay when I’m not. Girls don’t like me. It hurts so goddamn much. But yeah, I need love. I need movie-love. Life can’t provide me with that. I need that Buzz and Woody love, that “fuck the world, I’m here for you” love. That “ma, pa, he’s the one!” type of love. That scene and emo type of love, that Titanic type of love. That matching kintypes type of love, that Spotify playlists type of love, that Davekat cosplay duo sort of love. I want all of that, but obviously, it can’t exist in an imperfect world as this one. And even then, if it did, it would be impossible for anyone to comprehend. Something between straight men that goes against all they’ve thought of. I’ve been captured by the CIA and had to change my name. I’m legally a dead man, yet I’m breathing. I always come back, no matter what. Shred me to pieces, leave me to bleed, I’ll spring right back up onto my feet. Burn me down, scorch me twice, I’ll come back. Back to look you down in the eyes as you shake. I committed arson when I was 5 and nobody even knows about it outside of my family. My family doesn’t care. Even my ex-dads and ex-moms don’t care, since I repented for my sins with my wisdom teeth. I’ve fought in wars that people don’t even believe happened in a plane most people will never see. I’ve fought wars in my own head, against the allegations against me. I’m tired.
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