joyeful

•basically a public diary•

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•Spun• @householdmn https://www.instagram.com/p/CigRUynpBQq/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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it’s leg sticky to chair season :(

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Secret

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A first draft; definitely some spelling errors and the rhymes are spotty.

I

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I’m sorry,

I get it though.

It’s gotten so bad

I don’t know if I’m pushing them away

Or if they’re actually leaving

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I want to apologize for a lot right now but I’m mostly sorry that I’m bad at this game.

Solitaire is for smart strategy people and I am not one of them

Every time I close my eyes I see the green background and playing cards being placed on top of each other

How does nothing feel real again

Did I ever wake up from that nap

I just can’t bring myself to care anymore

I can’t bring myself to change the situation because this time it’s really happening

I’m watching the world drift away

Slip through my fingers that I had so tightly wrapped around

I’m watching everything I love slowly pull away and all I can do is watch

Today someone walked through me

And I mean actually walked through me

As if I wasn’t there

I wasn’t there

It won’t be a surprise when I finally do it

I mean has no one seen the signs?!

My cry for help is basically a scream

I am begging for someone to hear my cries

I am pleading for anyone

Anyone

To listen

I’m so lonely I’m scared my skin will crack and be blown away

I’m afraid that the sun will burn me so greatly that I’ll burst into flames and those flames will still go unnoticed

Is it really just an inconvenience

No amount of self-love poetry books will tell me how needed I am because when you really see me you see how unneeded I truly am

I bring nothing to this world

I bring nothing to no one

I am no one

I don’t remember my name

These hands are not mine

And I can no longer find the moon in this snowy fuck we call winter

Is the world pulling away from me or am I pulling away from it

Who is really causing these problems

Who’s really fixing them

Nothing is asking me to stay anymore

This house

This family

These friends

And these acquaintances

7 billion people in the world and I’m the loneliest of them all.

I hear old memories call my name

Abandoned hands reach for me

And I truly understand what it means to be lost

I am lost

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After all this time,

After all that’s happened,

I’m still here.

Isn’t that enough?

jj

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Won’t

I won’t make you stay

I won’t make you be the one who’s always here when I have a gray cloud

I won’t make you be here when the sun is too bright

I won’t make you sit on the porch and watch the rain

I won’t make you listen to sappy music that reminds me of you

I won’t make you read my favorite books

I won’t make you go on long drives

I won’t make you travel the secrets of the world

I won’t burden you with my mind when it won’t shut off

I won’t wake you up when the moon is at its brightest because I had another bad dream

I won’t make you hold me close when I feel like the world is drifting apart

I won’t make you understand my empty words

I won’t make you stay

I won’t even try

Because if you want to be here you will be here

I won’t have to be the only who puts in the effort to this one sided relationship

This one sided conversation

This one sided dream that I won’t make come true

jj

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When the sunset peaks through your blinds I hope you notice me

When you catch a glimpse of the stars I hope you see my constellations

When you hear the strum of a lonely ukulele I hope your heart whispers my name

When you toss and turn and your bed just isn’t the same I hope you curl over with pain from my absence

While walking through this ghost town I hope the rain paints you the haunting image of me leaving

You chase me through your dreams

I walk through this meadow with you close behind

Screaming

You call every letter of my name

You call every memory of my lips

You call every touch from my fingers

Shaking

Your arms are bare and empty

Your cheeks no longer red

Your eyes no longer oceans

And I no longer yours

I’ve become your favorite memory now that I’m gone

But I couldn’t be while I was here

I hope you burn just at the thought of me

Your fingertips trying to retrace mine

Your sweaty palms trying to hold mine one last time

Arms yearning for me to be in them

Yearning for anyone

For almost anything

An empty space that only I can fill will forever be unoccupied

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Everything he touches turns to gold but when he finally touched me I fell apart

Turned into a beautiful mess one can only describe as anxiety with a dash of paranoia

So long I only dreamed of my name printed in his mind

Dreamed of his hands in mine

Dreamed of our lips finally connecting

That star that shot across the sky was enough for me to know that it was right

Almost perfect

Then the sun started to come up

Then you had to go back home

I was left with a dream becoming a memory

And that memory becoming another dream

I can still feel your lips on mine

Your hands still in my hair

It can’t only last one night

Kissing me softly before you exited the car told me more than your words will ever say

How do I say ‘please do it again’ without sounding desperate

Again my desperations are what causes these inspirations

What causes the flowers in my lungs to bloom and live off the oxygen you left with me

It causes the Caterpillars to grow into butterflies that flutter in my chest

Maybe it causes so much more but you’ll have to stay to find out

jj