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The Regret

Messing up in my senior year sucks. I hate it bc I had the opportunity to be with the best fraternity in the world! and my mind couldn't take it. It sucks bc I could not keep letting people down. It felt like I was not only letting the people over me down, but myself down too.

I hate that I messed up. It is a regret in my life. I do regret it. I hate that I can't be apart of the chapter I wanted and be the first in a minute to do this. It's just a big thing I regret

2005...2021

God, as you listen to me and understand the call I am making, I hope you hear it. I know all things are done in your name and others are done in the name of evil. I talk to you today because my heart can't go without saying: I need you to protect those in Louisiana. In 2005, I didn't understand the magnitude of Hurricane Katrina. I understood that people died because of another natural disaster. I understood it was something that happens in the south always. What I didn't understand was that the heart ache was not normal, the viciousness was not normal, the anarchy was not normal, the wrath of that storm was not normal. The situations around it was not normal. The only normal thing was the response of America and their "assistance".

My cry is not for my own. I have no family, no friends, no one of close hearted love that lives there. But there are my brothers and my sisters of color that I have external love for that live there. Those who have gone through this in 2005 and with shear will and power, rebuilt their lives and hopes just for them to be shattered again by another unnatural disaster. Those that had to wake up with nothing, but the clothes on their back and will to move in 2005 because that is all they really had. And now 16 years later, that will and resilience will be tested again. The thought of more death, more tears, more pain, more lost, more confusion, more heartache on the same day as the other does not sit right with my spirit.

So today, I come to you God to ask you to watch over my brothers and sisters as they fret with what is to come. You know and I know this is more than a call for prayer, but a call for help. A call to touch those of us that were not old enough to understand fully how much went on in 2005 for those in Louisiana. To help more you with the most that you can carry and letting us lead the way. I am no leader or social justice warrior God. Just a man not wanting to see more unnecessary destruction for those who have not fully healed yet from their previous trauma.

2nd place

You ever feel like your second? Ever feel like the person that loves you actually love you? idk. I feel like I am second. I get pushed to the side for things, people and other things. I am the one that is that. I run in a marathon trying to be first knowing I can never be. You know how much that hurts knowing that at the end of the day, you’re just that: A second thought. Yea, I’ve been that and am that. Sometimes I might even be third tbh.... Probably should change this to 3rd place.

Any who, so I have a girlfriend. I really love her and I know she loves me. I don’t think that is a question, but sometimes I come up second to her. She has a friend and organization and they both collide. You ask: Where do you really go? I feel like I am always that one that is basically the one behind in the mind of the one you love.

I guess it comes from my dad and me feeling like I am a second thought. I do feel like sometimes I am in his mind, but then I am not. I feel like that comes and it goes and I never feel like I am a certain priority. That person would never about me the way they talk about the thing they love even more. I feel if I tell the person I truly feel they will fold and defend and that, that I feel is the downfall to this relationship

My Want is Your Want

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for like 1 year now and it amazing. I love her, she loves me. We're in college and we're having fun and we see a future for ourselves with one another. It's just that one thing that is just so missing: My girlfriend has this one sided approach I feel with our life behind closed doors. Like, I feel I'm the one ALWAYS wanting her more than she wants me. I'm like trying to.like contain myself and not go after her because I don't wanna do that because that is not helping because it's been a year and I feel we've made no progress in the her "wanting" me department. She says she'll one day do it and it'll happen and I'm not the person who rushes someone to do something. That is why I'm speaking on her and instead of telling her about it. I don't want to diminish her confidence and definitely don't want her to feel bad about herself. I feel I should just wait it out and see how everything goes, but I just feel the only time she really wants me is when I want her or I start first. I just need her to understand guys like to be wanted by girls too. I want to feel that, not when I give u instructions all the time. I want to feel like I am some type of need there for that person and not like the one who has to start things. Like, when I do start, she still doesn't do anything and recently I was told her kissing my neck was awkward. I feel I'll never get to that place with her and as much I try to build her and make her feel sexy and tell her and show her, it doesn't help. I think it's something now she has to do and I think it needs to start with us stopping the intimacy and trying to build her up with more than just a form of intercourse or my words or making her feel special.

Listen to I Wish (Demo) by James Bishop #np on #SoundCloud

Writing

Writing is fun. I came to make songs when I was younger. It helps me through any bullshit I have. I hate talking. I hate when ppl want me to talk. I like to write and you can hear how I’m feeling in that moment or you can take my actions in that moment. I can write a happy thought and be depressed because I know how that thought feels and I know the care for it. I can do the same vice versa. That doesn’t matter. I can be the happiest thing walking, but if someone needed me to write a song about their break up and heartache, I can get into that mindset. Writing this is just my itch to write something. I listened to the beat, wrote the lyrics and stuff and just need to hear it more and hopefully I have a follow up to what I already have. I am just trying to make something happen to get out of Detroit. I do have a girlfriend that I do want to do things for even more; I wanna travel. Music I hope to be that outlet and investing in people and their own personal goals. I never get tired of writing music. I dont do drugs anymore, so my main focus has been trying to think of ways to make things happen for myself....I have more, but later.

HOME

The bio tells it all

The way you smile is everlasting The way you speak is not overpassing I love the way you make me feel I can only speak my heart and real The first time we met was such a spark I felt a sense of love in my heart You were the first that I can envision forever Me and you together is forever and ever For you, I can show my feelings only I can’t tell you cause that means nothing to me The way you put your arms around me The way you put your legs around me The way you put your lips on me I can feel all the affection you have for me

#Victoria!

I GOT U (1/4)

Hey this James and the behind the song post for my first EP, “1/4″

The last song I wrote for the 1/4 collection is I Got U. I Got U was written in the middle of thinking new thoughts and feelings new things for a Monee and just wanting to make a song that actually showed that. I made the song very personal to her and wanted it to complement that to a tee. The first verse shows off who she was as a person and what I liked about her and the second verse talked about her exes and how they treated her. The song was a way to get my feelings out and letting her know how I felt.

The Interludes (1/4)

Hey, this James and this a behind the song post for my first EP, “NOT worth remembering”

This will short and not as long. The interludes were an idea of mine where I wanted to make the songs personal. I just felt it was about making everything authentic. The interludes go from a good space to a bad space for the EP. The interludes were more about me seeing it from a view that I thought was real. The interludes were made to make the EP really entertaining and not too annoying and not too long either. Just to give you a point where my head was when each song was written. Is that all? Yea that’s all lol.

Emotions (1/4)

Hey! This my behind the song post about my song “Emotions” off my first EP, ‘NOT worth Remembering”.

This was the 2nd song actually that I made before I decided to keep it for myself and record it. I made the song from the personal experience of the girl behind this EP, Monee. I wrote the song after having a conversation with her the previous day about one of her exes. She said if she was around him or whatever they may have sex because they never really fell out with one another and that other stuff. I thought, at that moment, “you’re supposedly talking to me, but talking about having sex with another guy?” I don’t get it. To be honest, after that I just didn’t want to fuck with her after that, but I decided to tell her how I felt about the statement, but I decided to write the song.

I honestly did not have the intention of writing that song that day or any other day because that wasn’t my focus in the moment, but with me anything is possible. I heard a beat that was in my recommendations on YouTube and I instantly connected to the beat. I just started spitting off ideas and hooks and lyrics and just wanted to make something crazy good. My intention was to make a song that put my feelings on display and not a diss to her or anything. I made sure to not disrespect her in the record and not give the feeling of malice, but of hurt. The song just came at a time where I needed something for me because after “Listen”, I didn’t have anything that was about my life at this point. I needed that song for this particular moment and after that it became my favorite song on the EP because of it’s randomness.

Just You (1/4)

Hey! This is the explanation of my single, “Just You”.

Around the time of working, I met this girl named Monee and she was a co-worker. We started kicking it more and she was feeling me and I was feeling her. One day, I was sitting around my station while working and this hook, “I love your mind, your personality”, came into my mind and the hook originally sounded like Justin Bieber’s “Favorite Girl”. So I found a pen and paper around my desk and wrote it and developed it when I got back to my dorm room.

Next day, I shared the song with her because was about her and that song was the first time I expressed how I really felt about her. I gave it to her and she loved it and we became even closer because we just started talking more after that. I made the song in just 2 hours and stalled it away until I found a beat for it in the summer of 2016. I heard it, added some words and exchanged some words and changed the melody of the hook and got a great song. By this time her and I were not really speaking that much and I was putting my energy into the music.

I feel like she gave me the best song to write during our time of enjoying each other’s company and I feel it is a great record that could impact someone. Thanks.

2 U (1/4)

I wrote the song this song “2 U” after a little session of posting on Instagram. I had seen a post by PartyNextDoor on there and he was reciting some lyrics from his new album at the time (P3) and I thought, “Ok, I can top that”. By this time, I was going through a heartbreak by the girl that this was motivated (Monee Brooks) and I felt that I gave her as much as I could, but she still went to someone that she felt was not right to be there, but was stable in life (I guess stupidity comes in all sizes).

Anyway, I went into my living room, which has no furniture in it and where I go to make hooks and lyrics for songs because it just feels like a big ass incubator for creativity. So, I rack my brain of something I can make that were better than those PND bars; so I just start spitting off how I felt about her and her situation. Then, all of a sudden I wrote the first bar, “I can give you love, but you pushing me away” and from there everything came into line and mind you; this was suppose to be a verse, not hook, but things happen for a reason and making things happen is what I do.

I had this beat that I had recently gotten, but I didn’t know what I could give it because it was so good I didn’t want to fuck it up. I had the beat for at least 2 weeks before this idea came to mind. I was just writing other songs for other people until I could come up with something. When I came up with that melody and the reorganization of the beat, I was gone and no one could stop me. Writing that song was such a emotion rollercoaster because I didn’t expect to write the song about this situation with this girl in such a more positive way than the initial hook I had in mind. The song was crafted from an idea of an emotional rollercoaster and I felt after it was done, two hours of writing this, “Damn, I think I wrote a hit” and I think I did and hope people like it.

6/11/16

We only talk when you need confirmation We only talk when you need conversation But when I say I'm down for you, there's always some type of confusion But the real shit I say to you, you find it amusing I try to make you smile, but that doesn't make you happy I try to be down, but that doesn't make you happy I try to be around, but that doesn't make you happy But when I give up after the run around, that's when you wanna become sappy How can I show how I feel about you How can I show that my feelings are sincerely true How can I turn this 1 and 1 into a 2 When you always reject me after everything I do

6/6/16

Every time you’re searching for happiness Just know I’ll be there to find So much of your heart is filled with madness But now it’s time to put that behind When I look at you I smile When I’m near you I get butterflies If you’re far, I’ll run that mile Ignoring me, I have so many why’s Time after time I have more questions And time after time I get no answers I thought your past taught you lessons But it’s stuck to you like a cancer I ask myself what I did wrong But I keep getting “treating you right” Replaying the same old song Is what keeps coming into sight So maybe we’ll talk again Life is big as an ocean Maybe I won’t just be your friend But something will come into motion

No more depression

I think when you feel like your world is being turned upside down by the mere existence then I feel like it’s time to stay away from that person for now Just a little time to be by yourself. Like, you have to go. No more depression

Who was I?

When you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you see the color of your skin? or do you see the color of your eyes? or do you see how big your lips are or how big your nose is? I don’t know why asked this question. It’s obvious you see your sexuality and see gay or you see bisexual or maybe you see yourself as Jake besides Jody or Jody besides Jake; but how could that be. Why would I see myself as something that is not visible? The judgement of others becomes your mirror. When they see that boy in those girls clothes, they bring the expression of disgust upon their faces or they see that lesbian/gay couple holding hands and they get the look of laughter that makes the vibe of that environment uncomfortable.

What about those names? Faggot, tranny, dike, homo; what about those names that hurt the ones you may love or the one’s that fight for your country? Didn’t think about that one, huh? Yes, there are gay men and women fighting for our country everyday because those that call them faggot or dike are just to afraid to come from of their lazy ass couches to actually do something about it, but the group of men you bash everyday are fighting for you.

What about that lonely kid that has no one? That kid that was abandoned by his mom and dad because he expressed feelings for Howard and not Hannah? That kid is dead. That kid is somewhere right now getting a chair and some rope and hanging themselves from a pipe or a bathroom rod and saying goodbye to the life they were abandoned from and the people they once called “family”. They are alone and scared and are already enemy #1 by many because of their sexuality, why do they have to be that in the eyes of their family? Why can’t they come to you and say that they are this or that and you be accepting. That denial hurts; to the core of a kid who is already confused and emotionally damaged.

How do I know this? Because maybe I was that kid; I slit my wrist when I was depressed and I had several suicidal thoughts because that what I thought was my way out because I felt alone and scared. I was a bisexual kid being open and honest with my friends and them coming and just talking about God and hell, like “Why?” I don’t want to hear this. I want to hear that you are going to love me and be there for me. Seeing my sexuality through the face of my brother was something I will never forget. I felt like I was the most disgusting person and big brother through his eyes. I felt so low and like scum that whole weekend with my family because I they were judging me without saying a word, but through their facial expressions and looks towards me, but it at that moment I learned I couldn’t please everyone and decided to just be me because is who I was

So, who am I? My name is James Bishop and I like music, technology, owls, Drake, creativity, people. I like these things because they make up who I am and not what people think of me. I am not a faggot or a homo, but I am a person who likes people that peek my interest.

Where am I right now? I like a girl that makes me feel like if I was only with her the rest of the year, I wouldn’t care. That’s my vibes of her. I’m not perfect and she’s not perfect, but being with her makes everything around me perfect. I think she’s special in so many ways than one, but I’ve told her this and I have made her aware of what I think she’s worth to me. The hurt I see when I talk to her about this stuff shows me that I can’t just say it,but I have to make sure I show it to her. I can say, “I’m not your ex” and then become her ex. I have to show her every step of the way. She doesn’t know that when I talk to her or just texting her, I smile. She’s a light in a lot of darkness I was in. She’s scared about ruining this, but I’m scared myself. I just don’t tell her this because why should two people be scared going into something. I have to be strong so she knows I am always going to be there when she is afraid because at the end of the day, my feelings for her only grow that much stronger.

What do I want people to get out of this? I want people to get that I am was in the same boat they are in or currently in. I was that scared kid that had to tell his family about the person he couldn’t be. I know it’s hard having to live a lie everyday because you feel you won’t be accepted. That is the test for your family and not you: Will they accept you or will they deny you? That will show you if they have genuine love for you or their “love” is just a figment of their imagination. Just know that you have a friend in me and anybody that feels they don’t have a claim in this world. I know it can be scary, but live your truth and live it with those you care about and not those who judge you. You will not go to hell! You do not need to change because your family says God hates you, you be you and do it with a fucking smile on your face and a middle finger to those who have a problem with you on your sleeve.

🙏🏿👌🏻🆙

#lgbt #my words #love #beyourself

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