It wasn’t supposed to happen.
There was no method to madness, or justification of cruelty.
The universe comes around-
You will be stronger and tougher
For what they did to you.
But you didn’t deserve it.
For the interruption of life
For the disruption of nature
And harming of something small and trusting as yourself.
You’re not obliged to feel owed to your traumas
For the fact you learned to bite before you bark
So no one has the warning when hurting you.
You’re not obliged to what happened
To feel like the universe will work itself out, that justice will strike eventually.
When the deepest parts of you are unroofed
Because the person you could’ve been
Most days I can’t feel it
It slips through me as I slip through life
It doesn’t hit until my dreams
And it passes when I wake
Leaving numbness in its place.
With help from a little sangria and a little vodka,
I ended up on a bathroom floor
Trying to convince myself I didn’t deserve it
Hoping to god I wouldn’t hear
“The universe has a plan, it was supposed to happen, it made you stronger.”
“I know you said no. I know.”
I was the joykill of the party
Most of it a drunken haze
Lost somewhere on my friends bedroom floor
Mumbling drunkly about the guilt I felt
For not owing my trauma my blood and teeth and barred fangs.
For not owing my traumas for finally being okay with someone else in my bed,
Which would’ve once caused a sobbing terror in the midst of the night.
And you sure as hell didn’t deserve it.