“Just Friends” with MY Boyfriend?!
Age old question: Assuming that they are around the same age, can guys and girls be friends? (I mean, of course, if one is 70 and the other is 20, then yes, of course, they can be friends). My boyfriend is has a really close female friend that he “hangs out” with one-on-one and they share all kinds of things with each other and he tells me that they’re just friends. But it makes me jealous. What is going on and what do I do?
What we have here is a conflict between theory and reality. In theory, we would all like to say that of course guys and girls can be just friends. It is insulting to assume that people are so driven by their baser urges and we are certainly to the point in understanding of friendship, love, and gender to say that none of that matters…in theory.
n reality, when it is one’s own significant other who is heading off to spend one on one time with someone who is the gender they are sexually attracted to, then those high minded theoretical ideals tend to crumble a bit. All of that is totally normal.
The issue here is not the grand philosophical question of whether or not men and women can be platonic friends. The issue is that your boyfriend is repeatedly doing something that is making you feel bad. This is a relationship issue, not a philosophical one.
I have platonic female friends who are in relationships and marriages. I don’t hang out with them one on one regularly. If I ever do it is in a public place and their husband knows me and is cool with it. That’s not because he decides who she gets to be friends with or anything like that. It’s because it is basic respect of him, her, and their relationship on my part, and being a considerate partner on her part, to be clear that nothing is going on that is making anyone uncomfortable.
There is a tendency to demonize jealousy, to see it as a sign of someone who is immature, or un-evolved, or overly dramatic. But feelings are not inherently right or wrong. It’s what you do with them that is healthy or unhealthy.
If your response to feeling jealous is to trail your boyfriend to his hang out with his friend and sit at the next table in a hat and sunglasses spying on them, then that is not healthy. If you bring it up to him and explain how you feel and why, that is healthy.
I don’t have all the details of the situation, but it doesn’t seem at all out of bounds to say, “this makes me uncomfortable. Why don’t we all just hang out as a group?” That may lead to further conversation about whether or not he feels that is warranted and why, and that’s okay. Being honest and open is always healthier for the relationship than pretending things are fine when they are not and letting that fester.
