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[joodreams]

183: from having a meal, an acquaintance drives up to me at around 2 AM and tells me to go with her to a mansion. It is completely white. I see some kids and play with them, and we have a party of sorts. The kids were wearing blue and pink dresses as I played with them on a couch

The rest are a jumble. I know there are conversations. My brother appears from a door where we are locked and is waving a knife and laughing and screaming. To show my distress to my professor, I wrap rubber bands around a pumpkin until it explodes. Then we go to Makati

and try to find somewhere to file a case. She is severely worried. We are around a table and my ex is there and we ignore him. He tries to get "revenge" and flexes his arms and we erupt in laughter. We take a car around the mansion and the overhead ceilings are painted

And then I am being interviewed by someone who looks like Dr Phil and it's suppose to be comedic. There is dan and Phil coaching how it is to be done. The waitress lights a fire around us

[joodreams]

184: cafe memories. Lots of conversations. A zombie apocalypse

[joodreams]

185: I am in a very dark train station, early in the morning, where the people around me are just shadows. We had a mission, someone to spy on, an old man watching, a woman about to arrive. There's a red strip along the tracks.

It was very cold. By midday I am back with two guys I know but there's a stage show outside and we are missing it. We are supposed to play it. Instead we talk. I ask about the cancelled threads in our app, ones about mental health and something else.

They teach me ballet and I say they're doing it wrong. I do what I remember but mess up my pirouette. The room becomes warmer and cluttered when I fall down on one of them, laughing. He is married. We choose to forget it. He is in disguise in a 7-11 uniform and hands his wife a coffee before returning to the room, warmer with lamps, still dark. There are some disasters we need to talk about.

[joodreams]

186: I had to ask my boyfriend to call the restaurant for our reservation

[joodreams]

187: a blue afternoon. I'm in near tears because apparently my tone made a friend walk out, says another, while the other tries to reassure me I sounded fine. I try to reach the friend. She tells me it's okay more or less. I feel gaslighted. We were outside

Suburbia, rows of houses. Friend doesn't seem to hear not care I was in near tears. I approach C and she tries to comfort me but its too late, she says, its time to sleep. I sneak into a house and a block of cheese drops onto a mans head. I am afraid. We hide

The house turns out to be an entertainment of sorts and the two people behind it are setting everything up. I become one of them

[joodreams]

188: I am told to put in money in our mailbox for a delivery incoming. I do and I find a really elitist mother and daughter pair by the elevator who talk about what things are appropriate and what things are not. They take a liking to me and I don't know how to escape

All of a sudden I am being told what I did with the mailbox was wrong. My house expands. My room too. I go to an entertainment show and find people I look up to and we talk in my room. They tell me there is a leak, a crack on the wall. We nap.

[joodreams]

189: the storm is coming. everything is gray. i feel cold and i am answering a woman in a black lace dress who keeps giving me riddles in the middle of a forest. inside a classroom, it is a cloudy, foggy day. i am on a wooden chair. there is a male professor. we are discussing

future job prospects. mine makes some sense, but ive forgotten what it was. someone is asking why i dont support that kind of profession. i said its okay, but im thinking of all the girls that are like my friend whos had a history of abuse and ends up in it

ive known you for more than a decade, she says. i agree. we are crying. i get away from the classroom. people are talking about disaster. a flash of green somewhere beckons to me. behind me, a classmate stays behind to discuss with the professor, how he's always been interested in anthropology.

[joodreams]

190: there are supposedly many servants with us but it feels like there are the same 3 to 4 people. we are dumped in a forest, in a white, glassy house, and our mother hated us. i have a sister.

the horror movies we watch have real life posters and exhibits in our house. at night, someone is walking on the roof, on its glass walls. i am constantly hiding. i am constantly scared. Finally, during a party, we stand on a bridge and take a picture. i slip.

I try to hold on but the bridge is wiggling. I try to laugh it off. The people are screaming and trying to smile. I don't want to drag them down with me. I fall into an abyss.

[joodreams]

191: i am on the phone with a friend and we are arguing while doing tasks for his youtube channel. he is flirting with someone named cora. i have a girlfriend with short hair, dyed red, with tattoos. we are in a plant shop and she laughs and laughs

[joodreams]

192: groceries, on the floor, two girls with me. we are hiding

[joodreams]

193: a drinking. friends, multiplying in the space as night goes on, talking to someone again, seeing people weave in and out to puke. i am in a neigborhood, a large scale party. there is a woman who sells books outside her property

but the rain had come and we couldnt see it. a girl i knew messages me, asks about homework. i take a while to reply, working on something. she asks if we could date. i say yes, tell her the truth, and she says no all of a sudden. i am sad. i go to the woman

and see a couple near each other, then when i go to where she directs me to sleep for the day, i see them kissing on a mattress. i go to the bathroom.

[joodreams]

194: up esoterica was teaching me how to have a pagan god. A crucifix amidst something white was melting, burning, though there was no fire. I was asked to pick between two names. I chose buchanan. About to take my first astral trip, I realized I had no clothes.

camille told me it was okay. We can dive into another realm through the mirror. We emerge with Hong Kong brands. On a bus, a guy keeps trying to talk to me. I know my pagan god will guide me what to do. A light erupts every time we make a decision together.

[joodreams]

195: A friend screencapped what I had to say over messaging apps and posted it without context. Everyone hated me then. I had to reply to everyone with the full conversation.

[joodreams]

196: I was friends with Grimes. We were at a party together - red carpet, Greek white building - and on a mission. The guy she was talking to was a target. Some sort of plan was being hatched and we kept talking until we are at a parking lot, an empty field.

Then we are in front of a dining area, seven restaurants facing us. We have to go along with this. Something is being grilled. Something is being shared. I keep trying to turn around. I can't.

[joodreams]

197: first, a guy, a date, an evening in a familiar village - my hometown, the rain making tje pavement wet, pine trees. the house not being recognisable, but its mine. there is something wrong. i am walking down a bridge and it becomes day, and i am with a best friend

its a girl i know. and its day, and the sky is light blue. the bridge has the tops of trees surrounding it. i walk and walk, sure she is by me, but i turn around and find shes no longer there. i hesitate and go on ahead. around me people are wading in floods.

they transport corpses floating through the water, nudging them forward as they go along. i am briefly horrified before something catches my eye. it is windy and people are on some kind of other bridge watching the ocean. or is it a flood? there are young people i know

and a mothers friend catches sight of me. he is in a white shirt and shorts. he asks me if i have a room yet. i say no. he tells me to go take one. i try, but i dont have money. I do a roundabout of the place ans he sees me again. He makes me take his money.

he gets a free meal out of it, he says. just take it. its cheap. i reluctantly do. its windy outside and theres a sense of urgency i dont get. why do we need rooms but then most of them are out there, observing? i point to a meal in the light green cafeteria to bring to him.

[joodreams]

199: My friend is stabbing my face with a fork. I stab him back. We go around the school and search for a spanish-speaking guidance counselor. Im the one who can speak the language. Her office is closed, she is in the shower - there is a bed and plastic and clothes on it.

We wait until she comes back, look at dogs. We return and I say my case, why I stabbed him back, all the reasons that lead up to that moment. They keep saying no, it was okay, they forgave him. I lose words. I wake up.

[joodreams]

200: I am sitting on the ground with some newly made friends from Pop-up. I remember the shine in their eyes, the bottles. I go home and a parent is opening up my web history thru their phone.

They ask me if i'm in a certain kind of relationship. I tell them it isnt their business to discuss. I go further and ask them to stay away from diaries, and journals. I go and find another group to go hang out with. We are on pink stairs. I feel left out with my boyfriend in front of me. He keeps talking about my sexuality.