Originally, when I first began thinking about things that I am insecure about, I immediately thought of characteristics that I wanted to change, which led me to realize a large misconception of my own meaning of insecurities. This is a little bit hard for me to put into words, since many can argue that an insecurity is something that people want to change (which it is), so perhaps an example would suffice to demonstrate my point. For instance, the first thing that came to mind when I thought about an insecurity was that I sometimes avoid things that make me anxious. But after thinking about this a little longer, I realize now that this is not an insecurity. An insecurity is a trait or characteristic that has inherently wrong with it, yet it’s something that each person deems to be undesirable and as a result, we feel embarrassment if someone pokes into the crevices of our insecurities. So returning to my previous example, I’m not embarrassed of the fact that I avoid things when I’m anxious, rather it’s a trait that I wish - and should - be changed for the better, since it is inherently a negative quality that causes harm.
So with this clarification in mind, here are some of my insecurities.
1. My weight - this is something that I have always struggled with since I began to realize in middle school that my body was not as skinny, or small as the girls around me. I didn’t have slim legs with a thigh gap, nor a small waist that flares outwards. My back was broad, my collar bones were hidden behind my flesh, and my stomach was not flat or toned with a brief outline of a 6 pack.
In high school, I decided to try what many girls have done - not eating. I would only eat salad throughout the day, and limit my daily caloric intake. I recall one day where I only ate half a bagel the entire day and I felt extremely weak, dizzy and unhappy. I slept most of that day because I literally had no energy to do anything else. My waist did become slimmer, as I noticed that I could now had a space between my jean shorts and my skin, but at one point I realized that it just wasn’t worth it. Looking back at it, I am glad that I didn’t let myself continue with that. It’s in no way healthy to not be eating, and it will likely lead to more grief and a plethora of issues than it’ll actually solve.
But still to this day, I struggle with my weight and my body. To be honest, I think this is where almost all of my eggs in my basket lay in term of my insecurities. The rest of my insecurities are minuscule compared to this.
I constantly compare myself to girls I see in real life, on instagram, on facebook, and everywhere else you can imagine. I wish that my legs were thinner, my waist slimmer, my back smaller, my face sharper, and the list goes on and on. Sad to say, but I dislike the summer because because I have no confidence in wearing summer clothes where most of my body is exposed.
Overall, I find it hard to find myself desirable by the opposite gender and sadly, I find it much hard to think of myself as beautiful. I always imagine that I would be so much “prettier” if I were skinner.
2. My Hands - my hands are notoriously known for being clammy. As funny as this sounds, this is actually something that I am very self conscious about, especially when it comes to thinking that someone I like may have to embrace a warm, wet, moist, slab of meat that is my hand.
Also, I’ve always been insecure about the size and thickness of my hands. They always seemed extremely large and fat, which makes me hyper aware of how they appear to others, especially in photos and videos.
To make things worse about my already increasing list of insecurities of my hands, I was born with clubber thumbs (the thumbs that Megan Fox have if you happen to know). As a result of these strange toe looking thumbs, I’ve always been scared to give a glimpse of this abnormality to others and more recently, I’ve been growing out my thumb nail so that it can at least have an illusion of normalcy.
3. Bottom Teeth - my bottom teeth have sadly become crooked over the years, which I have no one to blame but myself as I haven’t been wearing my retainers (i don’t even know where they are LOL).
These are my main insecurities that I can think of. I’m actually surprised that there weren’t more, but I guess that’s because a lot of the things that I’m unhappy about fall under the other category I was alluding to earlier in this post.
After addressing these insecurities, I hope I can work on these in order to accept myself, with the largest obstacle being my body image. As I wrote this post, a quote that I once saw popped into my mind. Although it does not directly always relate to insecurities, I felt that it has some importance nonetheless.
“Just because things could’ve been different, doesn’t mean they’d be better.”
The grass is always greener on the other side, but maybe its just as important to realize yellow grass can become green if you water it. :)
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