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눈(물) nun(mul)

Min Yoongi x Reader

Word Count: 4.8K

Genre(s): Heavy Angst, Mentions of Fluff, Mentions of Smut, Lovers to Exes

Trigger Warning(s): Infidelity, Depressive Episodes, Low Self-Esteem, Body Image Issues (if you squint), Self Deprecating Thoughts

Miscellaneous Tags: this is just really sad. yeah... this is depressing. happy holidays??? :))

Happy holidays, @sunshinerainbowsbts! It's Snickerdoodle! Sorry I didn't send a bunch of asks, but I managed to put this bad boy out. I hope that this makes up for it~. This fic is a bit of a mess, but I hope you'll enjoy it anyway. Thanks to everyone in the server who laughed at my jokes and liked my artwork lol. It gave me major serotonin boosts when I needed them. Special thanks to Nam (@namjin-fangirling-again), Indigo (@playmetheclassics), and @untaemedqueen for reading over this and giving me advice. Just know that this isn't the end for these two!

눈 (noun) Snow 눈물 (noun) Tears

Soft moonlight filtered through Yoongi’s bedroom curtains. If he tried hard enough, he could still see your silhouette sitting on his bed watching as the celestial body bathed Seoul’s streets in its pale glow.

“Come lay down. You’re getting too old to stay up so late, gramps.” He could have sworn he heard your voice say.

He knew that it wasn’t real. You’d made it very clear all those years ago that something like this would never happen again. He didn’t deserve you, you’d told him in a fit of anger. Nights like these really hammered that point home. Min Yoongi didn’t deserve you, especially after everything that he put you through. How selfish he was. How he threw you away after he promised you in between locked lips and white bedsheets that he would do no such thing. That he’d die before considering it.

Even with the heating system shielding Yoongi from the bitter cold developing outside, he couldn’t help but feel frozen. Guilt and regret chilled him deeply down to the bone. Sadness cooled his muscles, coaxing them into stasis. Yoongi didn’t want to move. There was no point. He was just so tired. Working on music and running away from your problems does that to a guy.

“I’m so fucking tired…” He breathed to no one in particular.

“Because you’re old. You’re pushing thirty, geezer. Take it easy.” Your silhouette chided him.

“Leave me alone, Y/N. Why are you here? Just to mock me?”

“Yeah, actually.” With that, your shadowy figure disappeared.

Nights like this were common for the rapper. Something would remind him of those peaceful times with you, you’d “appear” and express concern or exchange witty banter, and then disappear leaving him feeling emptier than before. This was the first time his illusion of you would openly express her disdain for him. It was a bitter pill to swallow, to say the least. But he deserved it.

A soft and cautious knock on his bedroom door took him out of his thoughts. The sound seemed meek and timid, as if the person on the other side could sense the storm brewing in Yoongi’s room.

“Hey, hyung. It’s Jungkook. You good in there?”

Hell no, he wasn’t. But he couldn’t worry his youngest brother any more than he already was. “Tired. Is something up?”

“I heard you talking to someone in there. Jin hyung is still out on his date and everyone else is asleep. You alright?”

Yoongi slouched into his pillows. His t-shirt suddenly felt like a sheet of lead on his torso. Of course the youngest had to mention Jin’s hot date. He briefly wondered if “you” sent Jungkook to put salt in the wound. The real you wasn’t a vindictive person, but the shadowy version certainly was. “I’m okay. Just thinking.” Yoongi sighed. Jungkook tilted his head. His brown doe eyes narrowed as if he were reading the words that fell from Yoongi’s lips and searching for a lie in between them. There was. Yoongi was obviously not okay, but he didn’t know how to approach him delicately. So he attacked the issue head on. “Are you thinking about Y/N?” Had he been a wild animal, Yoongi would have literally snarled at Jungkook’s mention of your name. Maybe it wasn’t your name that made his heart tighten for the briefest moment but how easily the youngest was able to read him. How obviously vulnerable he was in front of someone he was meant to keep safe from the deepest, darkest parts of him. Yoongi tossed the idea of lying to Jungkook in his head for a split second but he couldn’t… He just couldn’t bring himself to do so.

“Yeah. I’m thinking about Y/N.” Jungkook carefully approached Yoongi and took a seat where your silhouette once was. Almost instantly, Yoongi felt like a weight was lifted off of him. It wasn’t much, but it felt nice.

“Wanna talk about it?” Jungkook asked meekly, “I may not be the best at giving advice or anything like that, but I can hear you out.”

“Don’t worry about it. You wouldn’t get it.” A dry, humorless chuckle bubbled from Yoongi’s chest.

“You sure? I don’t want to pressure you, but I don’t like seeing you upset, hyung.” There it was. That almost childlike sincerity that Jungkook possessed. How much he cared for his brothers. That heartfelt, innocent warmth that melted Yoongi’s icy barriers without fail. Besides, how could he say no to those chestnut eyes boring into his very soul? Almost like yours did. Yoongi couldn’t live with himself if he tainted that. But Jungkook was an adult with his own experiences. He wasn’t that starry-eyed kid who clutched onto his hyungs for any and all semblances of support anymore. As long as he was offering to listen, why shouldn’t he take this chance to talk? “I miss her. I hurt Y/N so badly.” Yoongi’s voice began to waver, filled with tears begging to be shed.

“How did you hurt her, hyung?”

A great question. Yoongi spent so much time wallowing in the fact that he did something that hurt you that he almost forgot what he did. He looked at Jungkook once more and did just that -- looked at him. Not that he figured he would find any, but there was no indication that Jungkook wanted to use this information to hurt him. All he found were those round bunny eyes teeming with concern and curiosity. Should Yoongi really tell him? The only ones who had an idea of what went down were Namjoon, Seokjin, and Hoseok for the express purpose of keeping it hidden from the younger ones. Hell, the only one who knew the whole story was Hobi. Why should he let the dam burst and leave Jungkook drowning in his sadness along with him?

Then Yoongi realized that it would break Jungkook even more if he was subjected to watching his hyung struggle without being able to help. So, Yoongi relented. “I threw her away. Made her feel like she was worth less than dirt. Even after all those times I promised her I wouldn’t, I still did.”

Silence filled the bedroom for a brief moment as Yoongi decided where to begin his story.

“You remember that one winter when we all went back to our hometowns, Jungkook?”

“Yoongi… Staying up late? You’re getting too old for that, gramps!” You giggled while plopping on your boyfriend’s lap.

He quickly looked up from his computer and gazed at you. His brown eyes were suddenly cleared of the fog overwork placed over them and replaced with all the love and admiration he had for you. He briefly gave you his signature gummy smile before dropping a kiss on your shoulder.

Nights like these were the best for Yoongi. It could be terribly cold outside, but your sweet voice and hugs that you were eager to give made him feel safe and warm. As if you could sense the exact moment when Yoongi was going to throw in the towel, you swooped in like a guardian angel armed with hot chocolate and some homemade hotteok. Yoongi loved your hotteok.

“I gotta get this done, baby. I’m afraid that if I stop now, I’ll lose any inspiration that I have,” Yoongi whined.

He pointed to his music software filled with tracks of his vocals, beats that he made, and other things that you’re sure Yoongi explained to you but you couldn’t quite wrap your head around.

You hummed softly and placed the plate of freshly baked hotteok near him. Almost instantly, your boyfriend snatched one of the pancakes from the dish and stuffed it into his mouth. “Is it inspiration or stubbornness?” Yoongi quite literally bit back a scowl. “Inspiration. If you’re going to feed me and then be an ass about it, you can leave.”

“Is that any way to treat the woman who so graciously took the time out of her night to bake you hotteok? I swear. Men these days are so ungrateful!” you huffed as you got up from his lap and began to take the dish from him.

“Wait a minute, baby. We can talk things out. No need to take such drastic measures…” Yoongi purred. He gently pulled you back down onto his lap and reclaimed his precious pancakes. “You’re horrible, you know that? Teasing me like that… That’s playing dirty and you know it.”

You giggled once more and placed a kiss on Yoongi’s forehead before trailing more down his cheek and jaw. “Aw… I thought you liked it when I teased you. What’s changed?”

“Careful, kitten,” Yoongi purred in your ear. He emphasized his warning with a squeeze to your thigh, “Finishing this song’s got me more than a bit frustrated. Don’t start something that you can’t finish.”

Yoongi’s words flooded your veins with spice. Warmth filled your cheeks and an electrical jolt laced with anticipation made its way through your entire body and straight to your core. You pushed down the shiver that so deliciously crawled up your spine in an effort to regain your wits. You had a mission to complete. Sex would, unfortunately, have to wait until your goal was accomplished.

“Don’t worry. I’m more than willing to finish things, but you have to do something for me first.”

Before Yoongi could properly leave the haze of sexual tension the two of you had skillfully crafted, you grabbed him by the hand and pulled him towards the window of your shared bedroom. The coolness from the chilled glass raised goosebumps across your flesh as the two of you got closer to your destination.

“Y/N, baby, I don’t see what-”

“Shh!” You quickly shushed Yoongi with a finger to his lips. “Just look outside.” Yoongi huffed and served you his signature pout before doing as you asked. The man squinted, trying to see through the frost collecting on the windowpane before turning to you with a brief shake of his head. “There’s nothing special outside, Y/N. Am I missing something?” “Are you kidding? Don’t tell me you’re going blind, too, gramps!” you laughed as you made your way past Yoongi and closer to the window. Yoongi was quick to grab you by the waist and pull you against him.

“What’s with the grandpa jokes, huh? I’m only two years older than you!” Yoongi asked, while he placed a teasing nip on your earlobe. You gently pushed him off with a giggle. “What other twenty-something is out there complaining about how the younger generation doesn’t know about floppy disks and cassette tapes while also complaining about how his joints ache? You’re an old man trapped in a young body. Admit it.”

Yoongi could do nothing but snort in response and approach you. “It’s true! Kids these days have it easy! They know nothing about having to burn CDs or create tapes like we used to. Back in my day, kids walked two miles backwards to get to school in the pouring rain-” “Would you quit it already and just look outside? You’re missing it!” “I still don’t see what you’re talking about-” At that very moment, he saw it. Rather, Yoongi saw them. Delicate snowflakes fell from the sky onto the buildings and streets of Daegu. Once they hit their target, they quite literally iced whatever they touched in a white blanket. Under the streetlights, the snow shined like someone had ground diamonds and sprinkled the city in its glitter. It was beautiful.

“I wanted to see the first snow with you.” You hummed sweetly from beside Yoongi.

If he thought that the fresh blanket of snow was beautiful, Yoongi was in for a sweet surprise. That was before Yoongi turned to face you once again. The pale blue of the moonlight reflected against the snow and cast you in its heavenly glow. It was as if a magical aura formed around you. It was fitting, he thought. It was only natural for an angel like yourself to look so ethereal.

At that moment, Yoongi felt nothing but bliss. Sheer happiness and peace filled him. Seeing the pure wonder in your eyes lifted the bags from his. Wordlessly, he wrapped his arms around you and placed his head on your shoulder. No words were needed. The kiss he gently laid on your hair was more than enough to express his gratitude. Once again, his angel saved him from the clutches of overwork and reminded him that the world was bigger than his computer screen. His world was you.

Yoongi took a breath before chancing a glance at Jungkook. The man held that inquisitive expression from before. He was still engaged and willing to hear his hyung out until the very end. Truthfully, Yoongi half expected the youngest to lose interest and excuse himself from the conversation. Instead, he still remained. He was hanging on to every word that left Yoongi’s lips.

“Times were good for a while. Whenever I buried myself in my work, Y/N was there to dig me out and dust me off. She helped me remember that the world was bigger than the small box I was constantly putting on it.”

Jungkook nodded in response, urging Yoongi to continue before he began to shut down. Noticing this, the older man licked his lips and continued to speak. “Like I said, everything was fine for a while. I was happy, Y/N was happy… But cracks started showing. Suddenly, I wasn’t as happy as I had originally thought. Now that I think about it, I don't think she was either.” This piqued Jungkook’s interest. If the man had ears like the bunny he was constantly compared to, they would be quirked towards Yoongi in a show of intrigue. Instead, a quick raise of his eyebrows was forced to suffice. If he weren’t so upset, the adorable sight would cause a laugh to bubble from him. There was no room for laughter this time, unfortunately.

“Looking back, I still don’t get it. We had the perfect set up. Y/N got a promotion that had her move to Seoul. Sure, she had longer hours and more work to do, but we could see each other more often. After work, I’d crash at her place or she’d stop by the dorms. To top it all off, Dispatch was none the wiser.” Yoongi chuckled humorlessly.

The man then fell back onto his mattress. While it was nice to get these things off of his chest, it was an ordeal that was beginning to suck the life out of him. Exhaustion began to creep into his bones, but he persisted.

As if the answer to the question he was about to ask was scrawled on the walls in ink that only he could see, Yoongi’s eyes scanned the room anxiously before speaking once more. “So why did things start to fall apart when it was getting good?”

“S-stop it… You’re supposed to be paying attention to the movie!” You playfully scolded Yoongi as he cheekily peppered kisses against your skin.

“But the movie’s not on right now. It’s a commercial break.” Yoongi responded whilst giving a slight nibble to your earlobe.

“Fair enough,” You huffed while gently pushing him away. The effort was futile. “So how, pray tell, are you going to justify your kissing spree during the movie, hmm?”

Yoongi lifted his head in order to catch his breath and lay back against the sofa. “Whatever was going on wasn’t interesting.” Yoongi stated simply. “It was the climax of the movie, Yoongi.”

Yoongi paused for a moment before a salacious smile graced his features. “Climax? I can show that movie a thing or two about a climax…”

With that, Yoongi resumed his assault on your skin. No inch was left untouched by his kisses. He was more touchy than usual. The holidays tended to bring that out in him. “Would you quit it? You’re so corny!” You laughed.

The commercials droned on and with them, stillness grew. A hush settled over you both as you lay wrapped in a blanket and each other's arms. It was a peaceful silence, one that you were afraid of breaking. However, at that moment, your insecurities decided to take root in the peace that you and Yoongi shared. The commercials that came on next made them all the worse.

There Yoongi was with the rest of the BTS members plastered on your television screen. They smiled brightly as they advertised some new product in front of a green screen. Next, Yoongi was filmed drinking sparkling cider. Fresh fruit surrounded him with each refreshing sip. “The commercial looks pretty good. I was worried about how it’d look on TV.”

It was an innocent comment. It was just a passing thought. Why was insecurity digging its wretched claws into your psyche?

“The group’s been getting more popular lately. Two commercials featuring BTS playing back to back? That’s insane! I’m proud!” you cheered. Hidden behind your jovial exclamation was a hint of trepidation and doubt.

You genuinely were proud of Yoongi and the band’s success. You wished so desperately that pride and admiration for your boyfriend was all that you felt. While you were growing and changing for the better, Yoongi was doing the same. Theoretically, everything was perfect. Why did it feel like you were losing him?

The two of you were growing, but you weren’t sure if you were growing together. By no means did you wish to stifle your boyfriend. It’s just that things were moving too fast for your liking. BTS as a group has experienced several spikes of popularity before, but you were able to ride those waves with Yoongi. This time, you had a sneaking suspicion that this specific wave would spell a total wipe out for you both.

Now that insecurity tore its way into you, guilt slithered its way through the cracks. How could you possibly think that? It was wrong and selfish amongst other things. Your boyfriend earned his keep. He worked harder than anyone to cement his spot as one of the world’s top artists. You were there to witness Yoongi push himself past his limit to write one more verse and record one last note. No matter what, you could never say that he didn’t deserve the success that was coming to him in droves.

Even though he deserved the success, did you deserve him?

You were suddenly thrust back to your bedroom, remembering how you agonized over every detail about yourself in the floor length mirror. You’d decided that you were much too plain looking for him. Yoongi was now a shining idol, receiving praise and admiration from millions around the world. He deserved someone that could match his radiance, not some commoner that was as drab as the colors she wore to work every day.

You remembered the tears that were threatening to spill, the burning sensation as the salt from them irritated your eyes, and the sheer emptiness that plagued you. You looked at your reflection – genuinely looked. You were disappointed in what you saw.

It didn’t help that idols tended to date other idols. While it wasn’t a hard fast rule, it happened often enough that it was expected. It was damn near an unspoken rule that idols dated each other eventually. Commoners weren’t an option. You understood why. Two idols had more going for each other than an idol and a regular person. They had more in common, and they could support each other in ways that your average Joe on the street couldn’t. Theoretically speaking, they were just more compatible.

Over time, you slowly began to realize that Yoongi was starting to become out of your league.

Selfishly, you decided that you were going to hold on to him until you couldn’t anymore. Because even if he was destined to become the untouchable Suga of BTS in the near future, he was still your Min Yoongi now.

“Baby? Earth to kitten…”

Suddenly, you were back on the sofa in your living room. Ending credits rolled on screen before shrinking in the corner to make way for the next cheesy Christmas movie on the channel lineup. You were no longer in your bedroom lamenting over your appearance and how much you were weighing your precious Yoongi down. You were under a soft red blanket with the man you love. A plate of warm Christmas cookies and mugs of hot chocolate sat on the coffee table in front you. It was perfect.

So why did you grab Yoongi’s arm and tighten your grip as if he was going to disappear? Why did tears blur your vision as you gazed into his concerned eyes? Why was your normally stable voice suddenly shaky when you begged him,

“Please be mine just until the day ends.”

Yoongi was at a loss for words. What was running through your pretty little head and wreaking havoc? What suddenly broke you and caused you to plead with him to stay with you? Your broken whimpers and hiccups shattered his heart. Yoongi pulled you close to his chest, shaking his arm out of your grip only to wrap both around you in an embrace.

It wasn’t often that you broke down like this. Whatever suddenly brought you into a swamp of despair and desperation must have been truly horrible.

“Please… J-just stay here, Yoongi. Don’t go. Promise me you'll stay.” you squeaked.

Yoongi’s hug suddenly grew tighter, grew warmer. Almost as if he was shielding you from the negativity that ate away at you.

“I promise, baby. I won’t go. I’ll be right here.”

He didn’t realize it at the time, but Min Yoongi just told the worst lie he possibly could have.

“After that movie night, things just spiralled out of control.” Yoongi muttered.

His eyes were fixed on the ceiling above him. He couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment when he averted his gaze from Jungkook, but he was sort of glad he did. He couldn’t bear to see his expression after he finally revealed what he did to break your pretty little heart.

Frankly, Yoongi was afraid to tell Jungkook. He didn’t want to disappoint him. Selfishly, he still wanted the man to continue to look up to him with those brown eyes filled with wonder. He still wanted the man to look at him just like that fifteen year old boy used to whenever he rapped or did anything that he deemed cool. He simply didn’t want Jungkook to hate him.

But he was an adult. And it’s not like he was going to justify his actions. Yoongi was wrong, through and through. Jungkook could determine whether or not Yoongi was a good person after he told him.

“Y/N didn’t have to tell me right away. I knew that she felt insecure and guilty. She later said she felt like she was weighing me down or some shit like that.” Yoongi scoffed at the very notion that you were weighing him down. If the real you or that horrid hallucination of you were here, he’d tell you how stupid that thought was.

You never weighed him down. You always lifted him up.

“Anyway, I slowly started to become afraid. We were all so busy so suddenly. Don’t get me wrong, I love you guys, but something about not being able to see Y/N as often, especially when she was struggling with so much, got to me.”

Yoongi swallowed thickly. His mind began to swim through various thoughts.

“I was afraid because Y/N’s fears were coming to fruition. I was becoming too busy for her. I was pushing her aside. I pushed away my biggest support in an effort to pursue all these lofty goals I had.” Yoongi breathed. “The big house, big cars, and big rings I rap about all the time were finally within my grasp, and I realized too late that the one person I wanted to share all of those things with was slipping away.”

This was it. This was quite literally the moment of truth. Yoongi was finally going to admit what he did.

“I was so alone and afraid. I felt guilty. I was lonely, Jungkook.”

He didn’t have to sit up to see Jungkook’s expression as he put two and two together.

“Hyung… Don’t tell me you…”

“I cheated on Y/N, Kook. And she found out.”

The scent of her designer perfume still hung in the air. The bedsheets Yoongi frantically scrambled from were still wrinkled in the shape of her naked body. That same naked body was pressed against Yoongi not even moments ago.

“Y/N… K-kitten…” Yoongi stammered.

The basket filled with your freshly baked hotteok lay pitifully on the carpet. The basket slipped from your hand once you saw Yoongi with another woman holding her close and covering her in bites and kisses. You saw him lazily trailing his hands across her ass, gripping the flesh before exploring further. You saw that spark of lust in his catlike eyes that ignited whenever he did those exact same things to you.

Then you took a look at the woman. Even while it was fixed in shock, her face was beautiful. She looked like royalty wrapped in nothing else but the covers that you bought from Yoongi’s favorite home store. She screamed elegance, beauty, and grace. She was notably everything that you thought you weren’t.

“Maybe I should go…” She squeaked meekly.

“Maybe you should.” you growled.

Like the beautiful serpent she was, Yoongi’s mistress quietly slithered away from the scene before it could properly unfold. Once you heard the front door close behind her, everything fell apart. You could quite literally feel your heart breaking. Your chest felt like it was going to rip into shreds under the immense sadness you were going through.

It didn’t help that you were looking directly into Yoongi’s eyes. They were filled with nothing but regret and shame at what he’d done. He carefully reached out to you and you quickly moved out of his reach, not wanting to be touched by the same hands that caressed another. His outstretched hand plopped back to his side defeatedly.

“Y/N. Look, I’m sorry.” Yoongi croaked. His voice was either hoarse from emotion or disuse altogether. Speaking wasn’t a requirement when your mouth was busy with other things.

“I know you’re sorry. You’re pathetic, you know that?”

“Excuse me?!”

“I said you’re pathetic! How could you?!” you nearly screeched.

“Wait a second, Y/N. Just calm down, alright? J-just let me explain.”

Calm down? Calm down? You just walked in on your boyfriend in bed with another woman, and he has the audacity to ask you to calm down?

“You’ve got one minute.”

“Thank you… So, I-”

“59 seconds.”

“Things were just-”

“57 seconds.”

“I just-”

“55 seconds.”

Annoyance simmered in Yoongi’s veins at your blatant display of childishness. “I can’t fucking explain or talk to you if you’re going to keep doing this!”

“Maybe because there’s nothing to explain! It’s obvious! I wasn’t good enough! I knew it! You replaced me with someone better! You’ve outgrown me, and you’re too much of a coward to say it to my face!”

Yoongi’s heart completely shattered when he heard that. Once he registered how genuinely broken you were, the shards of his heart began to bleed.

“You’re too good for me now! Is that it?!” you screeched.

The more you spoke, the more a metaphorical knife twisted in his chest. The true gravity of the situation threatened to crush him.

“No… That’s not it. Please, kitten. Listen to me.” Yoongi pleaded.

As he slowly looked into your eyes, he couldn’t help but notice how glassy they were. Bags dug dark tunnels underneath your eyes. Your tear ducts were flooded with salty tears that left trails of your despair as they raced down your cheeks. They were red with irritation or rage. Either was fitting in this instance.

Then he noticed that you were still in your work clothes. You’d obviously started making his hotteok as soon as you got home from an exhausting day of work, excited to deliver and enjoy the pancakes with him, only to find him under the covers that you picked out together with someone else.

“All I wanted was for you to stay by my side, Yoongi. I didn’t want you to get tired of me…” you whimpered.

You gripped the hem of your shirt. You felt like you could just sink into the floor. The fabric of your shirt was the only thing keeping you above ground.

“I just wanted it to be you. Only you.” you barely managed to utter but Yoongi heard you loud and clear.

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough for you. Enjoy the hotteok before it gets cold.”

With that, you turned to leave the bedroom and Yoongi behind.

“Y/N! Wait! Stop!”

His desperate cries hit deaf ears. Yoongi leapt from his bed to grab you before you could leave, but it was too late. The door was shut behind you. You’d left.

And right along with you, any fight Yoongi had remaining had left him.

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