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#Flawless Is a Lie. Embrace Your Flaws!
The title says it all. Pay attention to the what your tweens and teens are looking at on social media, particularly the hashtags. If they are "liking" a lot pictures with #flawless underneath, it might be time to give them a reality check in the form of discussions on body image, self-worth, and what's real vs. staged.
Seven Tools to Encourage Your Teen to Listen to You
Yes, it is possible!
by Susie Walton
“The tragic, outstanding difficulty between teens and adults is the absense of communication. These doors can be kept open during adolscence. Much of it depends upon our ability to respect the child, even when we disagree with him.” Rudolph Dreikurs from Children: The Challenge
How many of you immediately turned to this article in hopes of finding the cure for your teenager’s “parent deafness” (as in “my kids won’t listen to anything I say…”)? Well, not to disappoint you, but if you want your child to listen to you, you have to listen to them! This might not be what you expected, but it’s actually good news, because it gives you at least a little bit of control. Even though you can’t make your teen do anything, you can make them feel heard, and in return they will begin to listen to you!
Listening is a two-way street, and I believe it is becoming a lost art. Many parents believe that they listen, but if they aren’t getting the response they want from their kids, I recommend that those parents examine their own listening skills.
The other day, a friend of mine told me she had asked her two teens if they had noticed any difference in how they were being raised (democratic style of parenting) versus many of their peers. Her kids agreed the main difference was that they felt their point of view mattered. They knew that they didn’t always get what they wanted, but they felt heard and that their opinion had value. These two teens feel their mother listens to them, and as a result, they listen to their mother. So, what exactly was this parent doing differently with her teens? She, and other democratic parents use the following tools.
1. Tone.
So often, as parents, as we have helpful ideas or information to share with our teens, but the tone of our communication can make it or break it. If you come from a place of judgment, or with an agenda, your kids will either not listen, give you attitude or give you the “look” (you know the look I mean). Your tone says it all. Did you know that when communicating, the words you use have only a 15% impact? The other 85% is tone and bodty language. Back before I took any parenting courses, my tone could get pretty out of control. In fact, my sons nicknamed me “Brubaker” after the prison warden in that ‘80s movie. Gee, I wonder why it seemed like no one ever listened! It seems like I spent much of my time nagging them to do things, and they spent a lot of the time ignoring what I had to say. So this takes us to the next tool…
2. Timing
It is very important to make sure the timing is right before you try to engage in a meaningful conversation. If you or your teen is still emotionally charged, the listening will not be there. When disciplining, it’s best to say as little as possible, or perhaps nothing at all, until you are coming from a calmer place. Example: When he was young, one of my sons got picked up for shoplifting. I was so upset by it that after I picked him up and we got in the car, I didn’t say a word. I knew whatever was going to come out of my mouth would be neither empathetic nor kind. So I just stayed quiet. He kept asking me why I wouldn’t say anything. All I said was that I was too disappointed to speak at that time. He was apologizing, and actually started explaining why he did it and how he hadn’t meany any harm. It was amazing how much came out of him as a result of my being quiet. There is a great saying: Nagging makes it your problem… silence makes it theirs!
Because the store had kept him for quite a long time, it was late by the time we got home, so we sat down and got some food out and had an amazing heart-to-heart coversation. We both listened and both felt heard. It was incredible and, yes, there were consequences for his actions, but it did nothing to damage our relationship. In fact, it made our relationship even stronger.
3. Be curious.
When asking a question, come from a place of curiosity. If not, it’s best to remove yourself from the situation until you can be more detached. Your kids know when you’re really interested, or if you are trying to bust them or guilt them—it just doesn’t work!
It’s pretty amazing to find out how they think. Researchers will tell you that teens often times actually live in a different part of the brain than we do. They tend to be risk-takers at this age, so get curious. In fact, here’s an exercise to do with your teen: Each of you write down the then most important things for you at this stage of life. There’s a good chance you will find you only have few things in common. This will help you see that the problem may not be so much that your teen isn’t listening, but that they just don’t have the same priorities as you do. The cool thing about this exercise is that you’ll have a couple of things in common. You can do these things together and that will bring you closer, thus giving you a better chance your teen will listen to you.
4. Agree to disagree.
It’s best to have this conversation with your teen: There will be times when you won’t agree, so you will agree to disagree. This gives you a chance for more open communication, and more listening from both parent and teen.
5. Choose to be close, rather than right.
I had four teen-aged sons at the same time and I can tell there were many times when I could have chosen to be right rather than close. But. That wouldn’t have gotten me much other than a bunch of angry uncooperative sons. I’m not saying to give in. I’m saying that you shouldn’t make everything a battle. Example: It was a house rule that my sons were supposed to clean up after dinner. I had a choice: nag them to death to get it done (being right) or make it fun (being close). On many a night, I would toss them the dishes form the dish washer and would put them away, or vice versa. It was fun and easy and it got the job done a whole lot quicker and less stressfully. It was also a great time to share things with them and, guess what? They would listen!
6. Seek to understand before being understood.
If you can take the time to listen to your teen’s point of view with the intention of wanting to understand how they are feeling about something, there’s a better chance they’ll listen to your point of view. The key ingredient here is your desire to understand, not to make them do something you think they should do. Example: A couple I know sent their two daughters to very prestigious and expensive schools from kindergarten to twelfth grade. When the second daughter, Debby, was a senior, she informed her parents that she wanted to go to a community college instead of a four-year university, even though she had been accepted to some very good schools.
At first, her dad went ballistic. He hadn’t spent all that money on her education all those years so she could go to a community college. After he calmed down, as he noticed it wasn’t helping matters, he sought to understand. The daughter explained that she didn’t feel she was ready to go away. She would be graduating from college when she was still 17 (October birthday). So she wanted to go to the community college and get all her undergrad requirements handled, and then go off to UCLA to finish her degree. She still planned on finishing in four years. Once he understood her reason and he was more at peace with her decision, she listened to his thoughts. The result: Debby went to community college for the two years and graduated with a degree from UCLA two years after that.
7. When your teen has something to say, stop what you’re doing and listen.
How often in our busy lives have we told our kids to wait a minute or that we’re too busy to listen right now? But we get upset when they don’t stop and listen to us when we want them to. In general, teens are not wanting to share a lot of what’s going on with their lives, and that’s normal. So, when they want to talk, stop and listen. It doesn’t matter how busy you are. You might miss a valuable opportunity to get insight into what they’re thinking. Example: After going through a divorce from my son’s father, I would ask my oldest son how he was doing. He would always say that he was okay, and that was about it (he isn’t a big talker). Then, late one night, four years after the divorce, I was saying good night to him as I was walking out to his room. He said, “Hey Mom.” Now, if I hadn’t learned the importance of listening even at inconvenient times (it was 11 pm and I was exhausted), I would have missed the opportunity to hear how different it had been for him since the divorce. He shared how much he missed the big family dinners we used to have.
Parents, when it comes to teens, never be too busy to listen. They have a lot on their plates and they need a healthy adult they can share with. At the same time, be willing to listen without fixing. More than 1,000 teens were asked who they would like to go to when they have an issue to deal with. Almost every one of them answered that they’d want to talk to a parent. When asked who they actually go to, almost every teen answered anybody but their parent. When asked why, they stated that if they went to their parent they would be lectured, yelled at, grounded, or that their parent wouldn’t sleep for the next three months. So, on one hand they want to speak to us, but history has shown them that we at times aren’t very good at listening to them without a reaction.
So be ready to listen and they will listen to you. The teen years come and go very quickly. This is a chance to enjoy them while they’re still around. Let your teen know you care about that they have to say. Let them know you may be a bit clumsy when learning to listen without judgment and more from a place of curiosity. Keep loving them. Spend a few moments thinking back to when you were a teen and how you would have wanted your parents to listen to you. Practice that with your teens and see how it goes. Most importantly, tell them you love them every single day.
Find more Susie Walton at www.indigovillage.com
Susie Walton with her grandbaby and son, interim coach for current NBA champs and record-shattering Golden State Warriors, Luke Walton!
Read how her parenting style contributed to Luke’s amazing coaching skills here.
Despite Steve Kerr's absence, the Warriors have gone with the flow this season, ripping off the best start in NBA history and transitioning from a title team to a forever team.
In December 2015, Sports Illustrated ran a feature article on The Golden State Warriors, current champions and NBA basketball team with the best starting record in HISTORY with 24 straight wins. Coaching this dream team is interim coach Luke Walton, who happens to be one of Susie Walton's sons. The article about this sports phenomenon begins with this paragraph:
For more than 20 years Susie Walton has conducted parenting seminars across San Diego County, teaching anxious young mothers and fathers how to raise children in what she calls a democratic household."Everybody works in cooperation," Susie explains. "Everybody shares mutual respect. There are leaders, but the leaders don't use the heavy hand, as they would in an autocratic society. Kids take on greater responsibility, not because they'll get in trouble if they don't, but because they are given greater freedom. And isn't that the whole point, preparing them to take on responsibility when you're not there?
Why did a sports journalist choose to open his piece about a record-shattering champion basketball team with our very own Susie Walton? You've got to read this amazing article to connect the dots. Read the article HERE.
On the latest episode of The Pam & Susie Show, we talk FOMO, aka as the Fear of Missing Out, social media, how it affects our kids, and what we can do as parents and educators to combat the possible negative effects!
Take the “Work” Out of Homework
Getting Your Teen to Do Homework
by Susie Walton
As you head into another month of school, are you finding yourself more frustrated with your child's study habits (or lack there of)? Do you find yourself nagging, bribing, threatening to take the TV away forever if they don't start their homework without being told a million times? If so, read on to get some tips that will get you and your teen communicating more effectively. You really can collaborate to create a homework routine that works for both of you.
1. GATHER INFORMATION
Sit down with your child (not when you are frustrated or angry) and ask: A. How much time they need to study each day? B. What do they want the completed work to look like, i.e., quality of work are they comfortable turning in? C. Where will the completed work go?
2. MAKE AN AGREEMENT
Decide when the homework will get done. Most parents want it to be done right after school. Most kids want to do it later. Decide together what "later" means. Give your child one week to see how they do with their decision. If it works — great. If not, the next week they will do their homework at the time you think is best. Re-evaluate the situation at the end of the week. If they want to go back to the time they were comfortable with, then let them for another week. An example I heard the other day was about a mom and seven-year-old. Mom was constantly having to nag her daughter, Haylee, about her homework. Mom thought it was best for her to do it right after school but Haylee wanted to do it later. They both agreed that Haylee would be responsible for her homework. For the first two days Haylee ran in after school, put her homework on the bench near the door, ran out to play and both days didn't think about the homework again until the next morning when it was too late. The third day, she ran in and put her homework on the bench. As she was heading out to play, she stopped, turned around went back to her homework, ran upstairs and put it on her desk and went outside. This time, Haylee remembered to do the homework, and from that day on there has not been a power struggle over getting the homework done. This is the best way of teaching time-management skills. This technique encourages kids to manage their own time, rather than you managing it for them. Relax and step back. Let your child make a few mistakes and learn to deal with the consequences. By teaching teens this responsibility now, it will make their college and adult life more manageable. You might be wondering why these "new" consequences will make a difference. One, it makes a difference that you are now more involved in a constructive way. It also helps that your child is now part of the time-management process and has some more ownership over what goes on in their life.
3. OFFER HELP
Make yourself available if your children ask for help. If they do not ask, then do not offer, even if you see a mistake. If you are monitoring their work and not allowing them to turn it in with mistakes, then how will the teacher know that your child doesn't understand the work? If your child does not want to study, ask yourself "What is my child trying to communicate?" Is it a power struggle, lack of sleep, or a learning disability? Perhaps your child's style of learning isn't being met. Or, maybe your child doesn't feel their teacher likes them, which makes it difficult to learn.
4. MAKE LEARNING A "FAMILY VALUE"
During homework time, turn the television off. (I suggest playing classical music softly.) This is a great time for you to pay your bills, finish a report, or enjoy a book. Your children learn best from modeling.
GETTING RESULTS
Have fun and remember to parent your child with the end result in mind. Most of us parent with a mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. This action often results in our child feeling overpowered or overwhelmed. If we keep in mind how we want our children to model themselves as adults (kind, respectful and responsible), we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent. Remember, your children learn by example!
Have you seen the video where Pam and I discuss more homework tips to help your kids of all ages? Check it out HERE.
Tune into this episode of The Pam & Susie Show where we discuss ways to KICK THE HOMEWORK BLUES!
Help your kids transition to their new school environments with these tips from the newly minted “Pam & Susie Show”!
Boundary-Busting Teens and Pre-Teens: Setting and Sticking to Limits
The Importance of Boundaries for Teens and Tweens
I have a lot of experience with teenagers. I raised four sons, who were all teenagers at the same time. I know a little something about setting limits! Thing is, boundaries are so important for our children’s physical and emotional safety and for their parents’ sanity. Here’s how to establish boundaries and follow through.
Start Setting Limits Early, and Stick to Them
I advise parents to start setting limits for children as soon as possible. Don’t wait till they’re teens to suddenly try reining them in. If you give in to your young kids after whining or tantrums, they may grow into teens that test, push, or ignore the limits more often. Children will very astutely recognize that a little pushback will get them what they want, and they may learn that boundaries aren’t that important-- including their own.
Limits and Agreements for Teens and Tweens
As kids mature into preteens and teens, setting boundaries is more important than ever. The key thing to remember is that they will need fewer of them so they have room to learn how to be adults. Be more selective about the boundaries that you choose. Make sure the boundaries really matter to you and your family, then stand firm on those limits.
Agreements are another key component to limit-setting. It is crucial that you come to an agreement with your kids ahead of time about what will happen when certain lines are crossed. Talk about why those limits are set, and work together to make a plan for when the agreement is broken. That way, when the limits are tested (and they will be), the kids won’t be shocked and appalled when you calmly say, "Okay, you chose to break our agreement. You know what has to happen now. We can try again next week.” There will be less back and forth about how they didn’t know or how it’s all so unfair, because they helped you come up with the plan. This will diffuse a lot of potential teenage “drama.” Less teenage drama-- it’s not just a dream!
Again, keep in mind that boundaries are meaningless if you aren't willing to follow through on the agreement you have set around that boundary.
Show Kids That They Can Stick to Their Limits, Calmly
I often advise parents to "think ten years out." Here's why. Remember you are modeling that it is possible to say no and walk away from a situation calmly and confidently. When you are less "dramatic" when you follow through on your limits as you parent them, your kids will learn to calmly and confidently do the same!
Imagine when your teens (or future teens) are at a party and you are not there. How wonderful would it be if they had the confidence to just walk away from situations that make them uncomfortable! You can help build that self-assuredness in them while they're younger by setting limits and following through yourself calmly. These are amazing opportunities to model the behavior you want to see.
Thinking ten years out from where your kids are now is a reminder of what the end-game is here. Guiding your teen to trust in their own intuition will shape them into happier adults who make wiser, truer choices for themselves.
It’s Not Too Late to Start
Even if you haven't been very firm with boundaries yet-- it's never too late. It might be more challenging the older your kids are, but considering the payoffs, it will be worth it. No matter how old your children are, start today.
More Summer Parenting Tips: Summer Vacations
by Susie Walton
Parents, Don’t Overbook Your Summer Vacation!
It's easy to overbook your family during the Summer months. Camps and family vacations are a good thing and at the same time it's important to balance these activities out with free time. Here are some suggestions on creating a balanced summer with your family.
1. Open up Your Calendar
Print out your calendar and show it to your kids. Start filling in the dates and activities that you already have planned and look for ways to balance out the scheduled activities with free time. Free time can be as simple as going to the beach or local park. Whatever you do, make sure your kids have to time to develop self- direction and self-motivation on how they would like to spend their free time versus someone organizing it for them or telling them what to do.
2. Develop a Family Vacation with Guidelines
Before you head off for your family adventure, find some general guidelines that will ensure your family will get the most out of the trip. Ask everyone, "What are some of the things you would like to see or do?" This will clarify what your plans will look like and everyone feels like they have will have some success. Don't forget to include down time and create a plan that works for everyone.
3. Take Time for Yourself
Planning is great and in the end, you don't want to get overwhelmed. Model for your kids that self-care is important and take some time out for yourself. A walk around the neighborhood, a hike or even a bath (by yourself).
Other Summer Tips
Include the kids when making plans.
Keep to a routine.
Keep the kids useful all summer long.
Limit screen time, even during vacation!
Have fun—That means YOU, moms and dads!
Susie Walton www.indigovillage.com 760-633-3754
Using Screen Time to Teach Self-Management!
So often I hear from parents of high school and college freshmen complaining and wondering why their kids are not doing well in school. Their children seemed to have ‘dropped the ball’ and are no longer focusing on their schoolwork. Screen time has taken over. What to do?
I feel a lot of this is caused because many parents spent a lot of hours complaining, arguing, and threatening their kids when they were still little, over the use of screen time. This is most unfortunate, as they have missed a beautiful opportunity to use it to teach self-management skills.
When is the best time to begin this teaching? NOW, when your children’s habits are still forming. If your children are fond of their screen time (television, computer, video games, tablets, smart phones, etc.), then it’s actually a great way to teach self-management skills.
Remember, we are trying to teach children to manage themselves, so you have to be okay with them not doing things perfectly, especially the first few times. They will and they should mess up. As long you have limits set up ahead of time, they will be able to get themselves back on track.
Circling back to screen time, let’s consider how this might look in real life.
Steps to teaching self-management with Screen Time
Take ownership of the issue. You, the parent, are the one who has a problem with the amount of television your child is watching (because to them they don’t have a problem).
Sit your child down and let them know what your issue is: For example, you feel that screen time is getting in the way of homework, responsibilities around the house, being outside, or being with the family.
Next, ask your child how they can help you with this situation. Brainstorm ideas, without negating any of theirs (even the ones you may not agree with).
Together agree on a solution to the problem. I suggest going with a solution that your child has come up with on his own, as long as it’s something you could live with. Kids are more likely to follow an agreement they’ve come up with.
At the same time, set up a Plan B in case they don’t follow through on the original agreement (which will most likely happen, at first). Setting Clear Limits allows a child to feel secure in learning self-management.
If your child falters on the original agreement, default to Plan B for the next day or evening.
The following day, give your child the opportunity to follow the original agreement again.
It may take several times for your child to learn to manage her screen time, but it’s best for them to figure it out now, while they have your support, rather than when they’re struggling in college (on your dime).
You want to let them learn to manage themselves, and if they slip up here and there, be okay with it. Mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn. It takes the pressure off of being wrong, hence making them more willing to think outside the box and take risks, which is essential for learning.
On a side note, parents, model to your kids what you want them to learn. 95% of what they learn is by what we model. They’re not going to buy your screen time limits if you’re on your smart phone or lap top for hours on end.
Lastly, remember that your kids are just trying to figure out how to live life! Enjoy the process and be sure to parent them in a way that they know you are on their side.
5 Parenting Tips for Summer
The sun is shining, the air is warm, and there are only a few weeks left in the school year… That’s right, folks. Summer is a-coming! How many of you parents are ready?
Today I’m sharing Five Tips for Sane Summer Parenting, compiled by Pam Laney, but before we kick those off, I’m sharing my number one tip for parents:
Take a Parenting Class to learn new tools and to sharpen and refine existing ones.
Check out my schedule of live parenting classes here
If you’re not local to San Diego county, take my online parenting classes here
If you’re interested in becoming a certified instructor, email [email protected].
Five Tips for Sane Summer Parenting
1. Include the children when making plans.
You want your kids to cooperate? Ask them for their input when making plans. They’ll be less likely to throw a fit in the grocery store aisles when they’ve helped you determine what time of the day you should go shopping. Asking children to help you with even small decisions like, “Should we go to the market before lunch or after lunch?” helps empower them, and when they feel powerful, there’s less urge to misbehave.
2. Keep to a routine.
While there may not be a rigid school schedule to stick to, it’s important to keep a steady routine going, for your sake and your child’s. Kids thrive best when they know what to expect, so keeping wake-up, meal, and sleep times consistent will help regulate the day. It might even help to designate times of the day that they play outside or read quietly.
As advised in Tip #1, collaborate with your kids on building this routine! Write it down (or draw it up) where everyone can see it. All the sudden, it’s not YOU telling them it’s nap time—it’s the schedule that’s telling them. How cool is that?
3. Make them useful.
Instead of just letting them do whatever and hoping for the best, engage your children in all the normal tasks that need to be done—like making dinner, doing the laundry, or tidying up. It may take longer for the chore to be completed initially, but the rewards are three-fold: It will keep them occupied, it will lessen your workload (especially the second time around when you won’t have to “train” them as much, and it will teach them a life skill.
Approach them from this angle: “I need your help with…” rather than simply ordering the kids around, especially if they aren’t yet accustomed to having chores.
4. Limit screen time, even during the summer.
Yes, there are more hours to fill up in the day, but that doesn’t mean kids should spend more time staring into a screen (television, computer, video game device, phone, tablet, etc) for any longer than normal. Summer is a time to discover new talents, explore new hobbies, and to play physically! Turn off that screen, and whole new worlds will open up to your children that they may not have otherwise discovered.
My own son was never a big reader until I reduced his screen time. Without the option of TV, he ended up picking up a chapter book I had bought him months before. He loved it, and is now a voracious reader! These days he’ll often choose a book over TV, even when the option of TV is available to him.
Another great side effect of limited screen time is that your kids aren’t as exposed to the blitzkrieg of commercials for junk food and toys! That means less whining for you to listen to on your next store run.
5. Have fun! That means you, Mom and Dad!
Summers are so full of promise and possibility for children. It’s a shame that we lose that sense of summer wonder as adults! Even if you work, take advantage of the longer days to spend time with your children and to have fun with them. Model what play and self-care look like as adults so your kids will know what to do for themselves!
By following these 5 Simple Tips to Sane Summer Parenting, Mom and Dad will have summer made in the shade.
xo,
Susie
Allowing Children to Have Their Own Feelings
Allowing your children to have their feelings sets the foundation for their self-reliance!! Why? Because as children go through life, their ability to respond to setbacks is based primarily on their ability to move themselves through all of their feelings. When a child can move themselves from one feeling to another, they are building a very rich and strong internal guidance system. This guidance system is what guides them to move closer to or away from someone or something. It is what guides them into or out of situations that are healthy or unhealthy and when in an unhealthy situation (or setback) to move themselves through it.
Over time, and with enough experience, their trust in their command of their feelings develops self-confidence! This process is done primarily through Natural Consequences...so let those consequences (when in good reason) play out. This requires the parent to be aware of his/her feelings to avoid mixing their own emotions into the child’s process. Parents often want to make it better or take care of the child (hoping that their child doesn’t have to experience sadness, disappointment, anger, hurt, etc.) and the result is a robbing of their children’s rich opportunities to build their own emotional muscles!!!
~Susie Walton & Annie Reiter
Should parents give rewards to children for good behavior?
Watch this clip to learn the difference between encouragement and rewards/praise.
Believe it or not, children thrive within, and even crave limits. Boundaries make kids feel safe even as they test them!
Watch this video I filmed last year where I talk about the importance of setting boundaries for our kids, as well as the importance of modeling how to stick to those agreed-to limits!
Wondering when to start giving an allowance? Wonder no more!
Have Your Kids Stopped Napping? Here Are Some Quick Tips
Pam Laney and I have filmed another batch of videos for you! This time we're going with really quick bites of helpful, effective advice for the busy mom and dad.
The new series is called Quick Parenting Answers. Here's the video:
Find the full article on Parenting-Academy.com HERE.