[jpmo]

Let's get real, God

God, I am in no doubt, anywhere you have brought me or wanted to bring me for the last few years. I see that, everyone else see’s that. I went from a city on a hill, to a village that has a fire that’s barely keeping warm. I went from  going to sleep peaceful, to going to sleep, hoping I can just have a moment of peace in my mind from everything. I went from waking up with a crazy sense of hope, to waking up upset that I have to face the world. I have been exhausted, God. I have been for a while. I’ve went down a completely different route that you did not pave for me and I know that. I honestly don’t know what path you called me on. But all I know is about right now. Right now, I am hurting. It’s deeper than a silly heart break. I am hurting because I made my relationships my god instead of You. I know this. I put my trust in things and people that have been so temporary and easy to leave. And what do you have left after you’ve given them everything? Your body, emotion, mind, even soul? It’s an empty feeling. My body feels like an empty jar that has been filling up with anxiety, regret, hurt, frustration, and just exhaustion. Exhaustion. They type of exhaustion where you feel it down to your core. You can’t bring yourself around anyone that has light because you don’t want to dim theirs. I’ve been keeping away from everyone that might lead me back to You. And I don’t know why. I can’t give it a straight answer. But I know that I just am too tired to even figure out how to reconcile myself with You. I know you forgive me, I know you love me and are here with me as I am writing this. But God, at this point I just don’t know how this can turn around for me. There are some things that I’m so hurt over and am trying to let go, because I know that they are hindering me from you.  I have been going through a break up and I know you are here to show me that I am not alone. But God, when the night comes, and everyone goes home, and I come home,  I get ready for bed, lay down, and wonder why I’m not worth being next to. Why I wasn’t worth holding. Why I wasn’t worth the sacrifice and compromised that I’ve so generously showed.  I lay down and it feels like a shell closes me in and wants to keep everybody out. I just don’t know how to get back, God. I have seen and felt so much of life and all the hurt it can possibly offer. And I can’t imagine how sad you are that one of your children are hurting. You are the only one I really can trust. I just don’t know how to do that anymore. I don’t know how to hang on. My hands from holding on to broken promises have cut me like glass. It hurts to try to hold on again. I don’t know where it will take me. I don’t know what you have for me. I never  thought I would feel lost like this. I never thought I would be the one to hurt my sister the way I have been. My life feels like I am living that everything skit. And I’m being pulled from every direction. Being pulled by heart break, by trying to quench my thirst in other things other than You, but focusing too much on work. And just by ignoring life by sleeping it away. I don’t know God. Part of me is saying what’s the point? But the other part of me is screaming for you. I’m tired. 

[jpmo]

I thought to myself...

11-24-15

We hung out from time to time, I had a little crush and he didn’t think anything of it. We didn’t let it get in the way of our friendship. Because it was a friendship like no other. She never met anyone as weird as him and he never met anyone who understood it, until one day during a night drive, we caught each other laughing at things that no one else would understand; but we found all the humor in every bit of it. We talked about silly adventures, called each other even sillier names, and laughed until 2am.

One day, he made it clear that he’s not looking for anything. I responded with “okey dokey smokey”, and said “give me a week”. I told him it would take me a week to get rid of this little crush. He laughed, I was serious, but little did I know that it hurt him a little.

The next day, day one of my “week”.. as I’m sitting down, he comes up behind me and starts to hug me, and turns my face and kisses me. “I’m falling for your tricks” he said. Me, thinking something was wrong, asked “what tricks? are you okay?” He continued.. “I’m starting to like you.” I was in shock and responded..”what?”. We get into his car that night, and he took me on one of the most silliest adventures. One that we had talked about in one of our many talks in his truck. An adventure so silly that people laughed and rolled their eyes. An adventure so silly that we laughed and understood what it meant to both of us.

We end that adventure, parked in a lot, hopped in the back of his pick up truck, him holding me and my head on his stomach, as we’re still laughing at what just took place. The laughing subsides, it’s quiet, and i think to myself.. “this is what it’s like to enjoy someone. This is what it’s like to have someone enjoy you.”

The weeks went on and he took me places that I’ve always wanted to go, and surprised me with things that I’ve always wanted to do. I thought to myself..”this is what it’s like to feel liked, this is what it’s like to have someone who wants to make you happy.”

One day we parked by the beach to watch the sunset. We sat in the back of his truck, listened to music, stared at each other, stared at every eyelash, every flaw on our face. Touched them with appreciation, because we knew that it was eachothers flaws that made us who we are. I thought to myself “This is what it’s like to see an imperfect person, perfectly. This is what it’s like to feel every lyric in each song we listened to.” When we both felt a line, or a word in each song, our hands would hold tighter, our bodies would move closer.

I told him, “I need to protect myself, I need to keep my guard up.” Whole wholeheartedly, he would say, no you don’t, not anymore” I started to get scared, because I knew that this can hurt. I knew what it would mean to be vulnerable with one person.” Should I?”

One night, we are laying down, it’s quiet and the sun had set. My heart starts beating fast. My brain starts to rush like a freight train. He asked me what was wrong. I told him that I didn’t know, that I feel nervous.” Dealing with anxiety, I started to realize that I was having an anxiety attack. Tears start rolling down my face. I get up and face the other way so he wouldn’t see me. He takes me and engulfs me in his arms and rocks me back and forth. “You’re going to be okay, it’s okay, I’m here, you’re safe.” He kept me in his arms the whole time. I calm down and realize that I must’ve looked crazy. I look at him in disappointment and say “well, you’ve seen all of me now”, and look away. He pauses, hugs me and says “yeah, and I’m still here.” I thought to myself.. “this is what it’s like to be completely vulnerable with someone, and have them embrace everything about you, even if it’s not what they expected.”

We were still friends. I was falling hard and I knew he didn’t know what he wanted. I knew this was putting my heart on the line. I knew this was risky. I was falling for his heart, I was falling for his mind, no matter how messed up he thinks it is. I was falling for him. All of him. My heart felt like it was rocking on a cliff. He began to be my favorite. My best friend. My person. My safe place.

We were concerned for eachother. We wanted to make each other better. We wanted to see eachother okay. But we were just friends. I asked him if he felt different when he was with me. “different how?” he asked. I said, “i don’t know, a happy different.” He looked at me so close that our noses touched and said “I’m always happy when I’m with you.”

One day, something was off. He wasn’t telling me. He wasn’t acting different. But when you know someone so deeply and are so in tune with how they are feeling. You know when something is off. I confronted him. I asked him. He couldn’t look at me. I started to tear because I knew what was coming.

He hugged me. He hugged me because he didn’t want to look at me when he said. “I wanted this to work, I tried to make this work, but it’s not working.” In confusion, I was quiet. I could’ve sworn I heard my heart gasp. In those words, I translated it to “you aren’t my favorite, aren’t my best friend, aren’t my person, my safe place.”

I cried, he held me. I couldn’t speak. All the time we spent flashed before my eyes. Everything he’s done for me. Everything I invested in him. Everything I gave him. Everything he gave me. But his heart was empty. I’m here, trying to empty my heart out to feel less pain, but everything keeps flooding back. Before he left I had already missed him. and I thought to myself, “this is what a broken heart is.”

I want to tell him that I miss him. That I want him. I wanted this to work. That i feel like my person was ripped away from me. That this isn’t fair. That I just want to lay with him and have it all be okay. That there has to be something more than what you say. But I can’t. Why couldn’t you just give me a week. Why?

I miss you goose.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2qqtWqi4qU

[jpmo]

[jpmo]

[jpmo]

Wind

It's funny how air and wind works. I was reading how wind is needed to train a tree to stay up and strong. That in windless enviorments, without the stress of wind to strengthen the wood, the trunks grow weak and cannot not hold up their own weight, where they would eventually bend or even snap. Romans 5:3-5- We gladly suffer in these difficult times because we know that our suffering teaches us to endure. And endurance builds our character enabling us to experiance a hope that will never dissapoint. - As you're out and about and trying to do your thing, and you feel the wind push against you, let it remind you that God will work through the other things in your life that are pushing against you to build your character, allowing you to experiance a hope that will never disappoint.

[jpmo]

I know what it's like to be restless at night and have your mind run like a freight train. The anxiety and stress that it causes can be nearly unbearable. But God did not give you a spirit of fear or anxiety, but of power, love, and a sound mind. I proclaim peace over you tonight! #jesuscalling #devotions #peace

[jpmo]

You are not your past. You are not your mistakes. You are not your parents. You are not your pain. You are not your addiction. You are not your failures. You are not your sin. You are God’s beloved. You are wonderfully made. You are forgiven. You are God’s son. You are God’s daughter. You are accepted. You are a new creation. You are going to be okay. With love, Jodi

[jpmo]

The hardest miracles to believe for are the ones closest to your heart. The things that touch the very core of who you are. They are the ones most difficult to pray for—to trust God for. Why? Because if they don’t happen, if God doesn’t come through—the heartbreak is nearly unbearable… But God knows the desires of your heart. He knows the deep dreams, the things He placed there for a reason. Trust Him.

[nofluffystop]

Please know that if you date me, I am a very touchy person. I will like to pet your head and hold your hand, rub your shoulders or hug you a lot. Simply put, to physically feel you in some way is very comforting to me and I can’t really apologize for it, it just feels natural to me and makes me happy.

[i-walkbyfaith]

Why am I discouraged? Why am I restless? I should trust you, Lord. I will praise you again because you help me,

Psalms‬ ‭42‬:‭5‬ (via ever-gazing)

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

I admire people who choose to smile after all the things they’ve been through.

Unknown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[jpmo]

After a long hectic night, I walk out and see that it's snowing, and it's quiet, and it's light. The snow lightly whisking my face. I look down, it's white, fresh, clean. And it was then that in the midst of the cold, the light wind, white surrounding me, whisking my face and falling over me. I was at peace. I'm reminded that storms come and things happen and we can get real messy. But then Gods hand comes down, whisks our face, and makes us white, clean, fresh, and in the quiet and stillness of the snowfall he reminds us "I never stopped loving you."

[lizclimo]

it’s friday! hug stuff

[k1ss4ss]

And the scariest part of falling in love with you is that I either get to be the luckiest person in the world to marry you, or I lose my best friend.

[jarrodis-deactivated20181204]

One of the most satisfying experiences I know- is just fully to appreciate an individual in the same way I appreciate a sunset. When I look at a sunset… I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a little on the right hand corner, and put a bit more purple in the cloud color” … I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch it with awe as it unfolds. It is this receptive, open attitude which is necessary to truly perceive something as it is.

Carl Rogers (via abortmelol)

[nofluffystop]

Please know that if you date me, I am a very touchy person. I will like to pet your head and hold your hand, rub your shoulders or hug you a lot. Simply put, to physically feel you in some way is very comforting to me and I can’t really apologize for it, it just feels natural to me and makes me happy.

[m-to-the-ontoya]